Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 108: Blindness Reinstigation Station

Introduction

< Part 107 | Part 108 | Part 109 >

Pages 6397-6446

Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1, Part 4 of 5

This post’s title picture was originally going to be Terezi putting on her newly alchemized blindfold, but I feel a strange sense of obligation to use this one instead, much like I did in the posts featuring the Equius/Aradia and imagined Jade/Jadesprite kissing scenes.

Picking up from where we left off, it’s time for the middle part of the glitched selection screen, which is now the only open option. I find it amusing that the story’s glitches in this case make it more linear rather than less, as the page’s narration points out.

KANAYA: Why Would You Do That!
KANAYA: I Do Not Understand Why You Needed To Impale My Friend To Demonstrate Your Resurrection Abilities!
KANAYA: I Believed You!
KANAYA: It Was Pointless And Cruel And Does Not Advance My Willingness To Cooperate With You At All!
KANAYA: Furthermore It Did Not Prove That You Can Use Said Abilities To Harm Me!
KANAYA: I Believe That Assertion Was Based On A Fallacious Theory About My Constitution!
KANAYA: In Actuality One Could Easily Kill Me With Any Number Of Conventional Methods!
KANAYA: Im Sure You Could Chop My Head Off Or Burn Me Alive Or Crush Me To Death And I Would Die Just Fine!

Kanaya’s rant at Jane for killing Karkat as a demonstration features an amusing expansion upon her standard typing quirk: just as each word starts with exactly one capital letter, each sentence ends with exactly one exclamation point.

KARKAT: (whoa, kanaya)
KARKAT: (could you maybe not give the psycho fork girl any more ideas???)
KANAYA: I Am Not Scared Of You!
KANAYA: None Of Us Are!
KARKAT: (i kind of am)
KANAYA: Karkat Shut Up!
KANAYA: If This Treacherous Despot Serving Turncoat Seeks Compliance From Me Then She Will Have To Pry It From My Mutilated Lifeless Cadaver!
KARKAT: (oh no oh god oh no oh god)

Karkat interjects a few times with his immediately recognizable flavor of utter panic, just like how he was in Murderstuck when his friends started killing each other. His fear of Jane is more extreme than even his reaction to Gamzee when he turned evil, probably because he had thought for sure he was done with watching his friends die horribly.

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 87: The Mental Breakdown to End All Mental Breakdowns

Introduction

Part 86 | Part 87 | Part 88 >


Act 6 Intermission 3, Part 2 of 6

Pages 5264-5307 (MSPA: 7164-7207)

Alternate post title: Con Air – It’s No Masterpiece
Alternate post title 2: John Egbert Dissects Con Air
Alternate post title 3: Ghost Butt Speculation Station



Five years and one day ago, I started reading Homestuck for the first time. I can’t believe I’m still obsessed with it after all this time. Enjoy this post as a five-year celebration of sorts! I wrote the whole thing on vacation, then made a few revisions at home.

September 18 will be the fourth anniversary of my Homestuck blog post series. I think it would be fun to get to the end of Homestuck’s fourth year on that day, but that’s 900 pages away so it probably won’t be possible unless I REALLY pick up the pace.



You pause your adventure through the afterlife because you’ve been at it for way too long already. You’ll get back to this in a little while. You just know more of your dead loser friends are lurking in this area. You can feel their lameness emanating from beyond the grave. You can also feel it emanating from within the grave, which is good, because that’s where you are. The grave. 

The page that immediately follows Openbound Part 1 tells readers that we’ll be getting back to meeting the Beforan trolls in not too long. Another bit that was most useful for serial readers at the time.

What we REALLY need to do is see what John’s been up to. It almost feels like it’s been a year since we saw him. Hell, it’s probably his birthday again. When is it ever NOT John’s birthday???

Um, I’m pretty sure November 2016 was way more than just a year ago.

Jokes aside, “when is it ever not John’s birthday” is a damn good question. It’s incredibly disorienting whenever a part of Homestuck doesn’t take place on his birthday. I like to assume Harry Anderson Egbert was also born April 13, because of how much of the Candy Epilogue takes place on his birthday.


It is indeed John’s birthday; his fifteenth, in fact. To celebrate, we’re treated to an enormous zoom-in to the Prospitian battleship he and Jade have been living in. Act 6 Intermission 3 has quite a few lengthy art sequences, only befitting of an act that experiments HARD with storytelling style.

Casey/VBVS is extremely precious and pure.


This image is quite the nostalgia mine. John and Jade’s favorite things are scattered about in a dimly-lit hallway, with five familiar planets hovering above.

Still waiting to learn the in-comic story behind Charles Dutton…


Now THIS image above is quite a strange sight. John’s enormously built-up house looked stunning back in Act 5 Act 2, but now it just looks weird and nostalgic, especially when it’s unusually close to LOFAF and with a green space player aura around it.


The next few images bring about even more of this strange form of nostalgia. It’s all the familiar locations from the first five acts, looking the same as ever but kind giving off a weird feeling clustered together like this.


John’s built-up house doesn’t quite look the same as ever though. Everything’s fresh and repaired, not the insane mess of imp oil we knew prior. Makes sense given it’s been two in-story years since all that happened, but still gives off a strange feeling.

As for the light coming out of John’s house…


… it turns out to be coming from a TV playing his favorite movie, Con Air. A rather funny moment if I say so myself.

Looks like the cruxtruder was finally moved out of the way.


Now this is quite a cute image. The imps that trashed John’s house so long ago are now chilling out with him and Jade, along with Jaspersprite and some adorable little salamanders. They’re eating copious amounts of cake, as per Egbert family tradition.


It’s a bit odd that John isn’t smiling watching the movie he loves so much. What gives?

Jade lifting the cake with space powers looks really cute, I can’t explain why.
What a classic scene. A fitting time for John to realize something important…


JOHN: jade… 
JADE: hm? 
JOHN: i think i just realized something. 
JADE: what? 

Wait for it… wait for it…

15 YEAR OLD BOY SWEARING


JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!! 

THE WHAM LINE.

I don’t think I need any words to describe the sheer shock value of John saying, and I quote, “THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!” I absolutely love humorous wham lines like this.


JADE: whaaat 
JADE: but you love this movie! 
JOHN: yeah, i know. 
JOHN: i mean… i thought i did. 
JOHN: it’s been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this! 
JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid. 
JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday! 
JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed… but now youre saying you dont like it? 
JOHN: i don’t know. i’m trying to like it. i WANT to like it. 
JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it. 
JOHN: but i can’t, because… 
JOHN: it’s just… 
JOHN: not… 
JOHN: good. 😦 


So there we have it: John’s opinion on Con Air has flipped completely upside-down. It’s surprising, but considering people’s tastes change as they get older it’s not unusual…

JADE: really? 
JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it! 
JADE: its very silly 
JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john 
JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!!! 
JOHN: i guess maybe that’s kind of the point. 
JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling. 
JOHN: what was i even thinking! 


… at least until John goes into a discussion on taking media seriously. This is where he starts talking out of his ass, which he will only proceed to do more of. Taking a work of media seriously and not taking it seriously aren’t mutually exclusive—not even close. Does John even know what taking things seriously means?

JADE: i dunno…. 
JADE: but people can change their minds about things 
JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie 
JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young
JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was 
JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise 
JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas….. 
JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it 
JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level 


Jade’s reminisce upon the Squiddles show is pretty interesting. It’s an honest discussion on childhood tastes in media that doubles as an in-comic nod to Hussie’s Formspring posts where he claimed the Squiddles were based on people’s subconscious imaginations of the Horrorterrors.

Speaking personally, when I revisit media I liked when I was a kid I usually still enjoy it, but for way different reasons now that I’m an adult.* SpongeBob SquarePants is a prime example and I’m sure I’m not alone in that regard—I now find myself understanding and enjoying things about it I couldn’t grasp when I was younger, while dismissing the parts I liked when I was younger as juvenile humor. It’s a bit like how My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic did WAY too good of a job at adding elements that appeal to adults and ended up having a surprisingly large male fanbase, one that I was sucked into at one point. But there’s really way more childhood media than just SpongeBob that’s had that effect on me. I personally recommend everyone take a moment to look back on media they liked as a kid; you might be surprised by how much your tastes have (or haven’t) changed!

* I’m not even close to being an actual proper Adult though. In some ways I’ll probably never be one.

JOHN: well, maybe later i’ll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it. 
JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard. 
JADE: what is even the problem with it? 
JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie… 
JADE: its funny! 


Aw, Jade is being so sweet. It just makes me smile seeing her understand John’s taste in media perfectly and turn out to enjoy Con Air more than she thought she would.

JOHN: it’s just non stop terrible action movie cliches! 

John, on the other hand? Get ready for him to play the role of a terrible film critic. Speaking from experience, it’s way too fun to write fictional characters analyze media you like (or dislike)—perhaps even more fun than analyzing media already is. I can tell Hussie had an insane amount of fun writing the scene that follows.

This is probably the most “film critic” face anyone has ever made in Homestuck.


JOHN: look. 
JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok? 
JOHN: but i’m kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie! 
JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts “charming” with his goofy accent and stuff. 
JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now. 
JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said “put the bunny back in the box” i actually high fived my dad? 
JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes. 


The moment John starts talking about his dead father, every reader’s heart shatters into a million pieces. How could he even say such a thing?! I’ll talk more about John’s grief towards his father when he goes into full flipout mode.

JOHN: there’s so much crappy dialogue! 
JOHN: “cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good…” arrgh! 
JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich! 
JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don’t be so naive. 
JADE: what!! 
JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive???? 


And it only gets better from there. Now Jade is the one that actually understands the movie while John misses the point of everything and just finds as many things to criticize as he possibly can.

JOHN: ok, i’m sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film. 
JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade. 
JADE: oh god 
JADE: vexing and hypnotic?? 
JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet 
JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days 
JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what’s crappy these days. 
JADE: oh bluh bluh 
JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie? 


John’s mental breakdowns are even funnier than I remember. His personality is completely overhauled when he throws tantrums like this; he now uses advanced poetic vocabulary in ways that make absolutely no sense.

I love this face. I can’t believe JADE is the one making it.


JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff! 
JADE: hang on im going to rewind it… 
JOHN: who even cares what we missed. 
JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense. 
JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!! 
JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can’t believe i used to think he was just trolling me. 


Here’s more of John being strangely black-and-white when it comes to taking media seriously and not seriously. I analyzed the times Dave poked fun at John’s favorite movies quite a bit in my rewritten posts about the early acts; it’s clear he likes John’s movies more than he lets on, or at least finds himself thinking about them a lot, especially Little Monsters with the apple juice pee scene.

JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them… that was pointless! 
JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue! 
JOHN: like… oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!! 
JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses. 
JOHN: also, i somehow didn’t even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too. 
JADE: whos dave chappelle? 
JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we’re supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter? 
JOHN: well screw that! he wasn’t so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for. 
JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy. 
JOHN: i’m going to rewind it to watch that scene again… 
JADE: no!!! 
JADE: dont touch the remote 
JOHN: oh, and we’re supposed to be like “YEAH” when cusack wrecks malloy’s awesome sports car. 
JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn’t have ruined it like that for laughs. 
JOHN: i know *I* wasn’t laughing, were you? 
JADE: YES :p 


Oh my fucking god, this is side-splitting. John’s nonsensical criticisms remind me of CinemaSins, a YouTube channel I used to be a big fan of until they became more and more of a sleazy blatant cashgrab. This whole rant is such an amazing parody of movie reviewers who miss the point of everything and only do it for the money, all because John isn’t quite thinking straight.

JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don’t really get what he added to it? 
JOHN: he was like the second hero… but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine… 
JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie. 
JOHN: i guess he’s actually like cage’s estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had. 
JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united. 
JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter! 


Do you ever just read something that is every bit as hilarious as it is poignant? Through describing how touching it is when Cage and Cusack finally reunite, John is underhandedly venting about how badly he misses Rose and Dave.

All that said, there’s nothing unusual about realizing things about your life through media. That one anime I’ve been constantly talking about for the past few months reminds me of my days in middle school way more than I’d like to admit. One of the characters (Yui Hirasawa, if you must know) reminds me of myself which is great because she’s extremely super adorable. Some of the characters even remind me of specific friends from those days. And don’t even get me started on all the things about life I’ve realized through reading the Homestuck Epilogues, especially at the end with the Obama scene… I’m getting a bit off topic though. Let’s continue.

JOHN: i wonder if i’ll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i’ll probably think it’s so lame, i’m almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted. 
JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here 


Despite suddenly disliking Con Air, John still has all these analogies between his friends and the movie’s cast heavily ingrained in his head. The poster shown in the Con Air parody flash near the end of Act 4 accurately maps John to Nicolas Cage, Dave to John Cusack, and Karkat to John Malkovich; he’s also mapped Cage’s daughter to the salamander named after her, and his wife to whoever is most convenient (which is at the moment nobody, more on that soon!). As such, he badly wants to leave some of his Con Air memories intact and especially doesn’t want to risk tarnishing his love for his beautiful salamander daughter.

JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW! 
JADE: what??? 
JOHN: oh… 
JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass. 


Can… feathers do that??? Maybe they can, I don’t know. Either way, this line humorously(?) demonstrates that John and Davesprite absolutely hate each other now.

Oh my god, Jade looks like she needs a hug.


JADE: yeah…. john 
JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight 

JOHN: aw, man. really? 
JOHN: i knew we shouldn’t have invited both him and jaspers. 
JOHN: that’s just party planning BASICS. 
JADE: no… 
JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers 
JOHN: oh. 
JOHN: then why? 
JADE: he uh… 
JADE: kind of broke up with me 


I’ve always found it kind of fascinating that Jade x Davesprite was simultaneously canonized and sunk through the last line above. I remember one person somewhere compared it to the sound of a ship going off and sinking at the same time, which is way too hilarious to imagine considering that breakups are, you know, sad. Especially in this case, because we didn’t know for a fact they were dating until we learned they broke up.


JOHN: what!!!
JOHN: when did that happen? 
JADE: a couple days ago 
JOHN: no. no way. 
JOHN: i cannot accept this! 
JADE: john its ok you dont have t… 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip! 
JADE: we were? 
JOHN: yes, jade. 
JOHN: you were our rock. 
JADE: your rock?? 
JADE: what are you talking about? 
JOHN: come on, jade. 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like… an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship. 
JADE: we were not an institution! 
JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now 


How did Hussie even write this??? It’s kind of crazy to imagine someone actually writing a rant that makes zero sense but fits well as part of a massive mental breakdown. First Jade and Davesprite are the glue, then they’re the rock, and now they’re an “institution”.

JOHN: why did he break up with you?! 
JADE: um… 
JADE: its complicated 
JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now
JOHN: stuff?? 
JOHN: what stuff. 
JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don’t see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend. 
JADE: do uh… 
JADE: you have a girlfriend? 
JOHN: that is not the point. 

Time to finally discuss aromantic John headcanons, just like I would have done back in late 2016 if I wasn’t a complete idiot back then.

Well OK, maybe I wasn’t a complete idiot. I just didn’t understand any LGBT stuff beyond people being gay or straight and didn’t think most of it actually existed. Aromantic was one such thing I didn’t think existed, which is weird and a little embarrassing in retrospect because I now know that I am, and have always been, unmistakably aromantic.

A natural consequence of being aromantic is that I am obligated to discuss how that orientation is represented in Homestuck. I’m not of those people that puts extreme stock in their sexuality or other odd traits being accurately represented in media, but I can’t say it doesn’t feel extremely gratifying when media accurately represents traits of mine. I would go on more about that topic but I don’t want to get sidetracked into ranting about anime girls. Just watch K-ON! if you haven’t, if you like anything that’s fun and especially if you like good music I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. Every girl is best girl, Yui is just the best best girl.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Homestuck. John’s perception of romance in the first five acts was extremely childish, which evolved to strong disinterest in Act 6 Intermission 2 when he firmly declared romance and dating to be dumb and boring. I think it’s completely fair for readers at that point to confidently presume John to be aromantic. There’s just one catch though: identity questioning and reconsideration is a real thing that exists. It’s been a theme in Homestuck for longer than most people probably realize. Though people usually refer to gender and sexuality when they talk about “identity” in media, I think identity goes way beyond just that. It’s what you choose to affiliate yourself with or what sort of person you present yourself as, which I think has been a theme in Homestuck since the early acts. A major case of identity questioning is John’s opinion on Vriska, which constantly fluctuates between sincere admiration and extreme hatred and everything in between. His opinion on Vriska goes hand-in-hand with his opinion on romance, which also regularly fluctuates. At the point we’re in now, John is invested enough in romance to mention his nonexistent “girlfriend” amidst a mental breakdown. This isn’t the only time in this act where John mentions his “girlfriend”; maybe I’ll discuss that topic more there, especially since the next time he mentions it foreshadows his relationship with Roxy.

You may think that as an aromantic person, I would like it if Homestuck had an unambiguously aromantic character. But I actually appreciate the characters’ constant identity questioning far more than any of that! It’s really quite a shame fans of pretty much any media tend to perceive characters’ “identities” so robotically. Though there’s a lot of LGBT stuff I still don’t understand, I can safely say I’ve grown past thinking of any of it as firm and black-and-white.


This hand gesture. This FUCKING hand gesture. This MOTHERFUCKING hand gesture. It’s the absolute funniest thing to ever exist. The longer I stare at this image the funnier it gets.

JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche. 
JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just… 
JOHN: no, he’s an orange feathery douche. 

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he’s like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition. 
JOHN: maybe it’s because he’s part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him. 
JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him 
JADE: like i said… its all more complicated than that 
JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed. 
JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to. 
JADE: me too 
JOHN: ehh… 
JOHN: maybe it’s for the best he broke up with you. 
JADE: why? 
JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him? 
JOHN: he’s a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to? 
JADE: i dont know 
JOHN: there are a lot of things we don’t know. 
JOHN: and also… 
JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite? 
JADE: what do you mean 
JOHN: i mean… 
JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing. 
JADE: uh 
JADE: so 
JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade! 
JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!!!!! 
JOHN: i’m just saying… 
JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT! 
JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too! 


“Ghost butt” will never not be funny. Does John really know that little about how sex and romance work, or is he just too uncomfortable to use big boy words? We will probably never know… (it’s probably the latter)

Jade’s discomfort with John’s sexual rambles reads way differently knowing a CERTAIN THING about her in the epilogues…


JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun! 
JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time 
JOHN: well, maybe i’m just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat! 
JOHN: don’t you think it’s gotten kind of old? 
JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here 
JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much… maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone? 


Eugh, please don’t make me think of Jade’s post-retcon battleship journey again. Jade has it so easy here but then the retcon made HER the one who was extremely depressed and lonely. The epilogues have redeemed much of my prior Homestuck salt, but they have only worsened my salt on how poorly the story treats Jade. The only reason I don’t constantly complain about Jade salt is that I am in awe about the characters that did get happy endings, especially Jake “Punching Bag” English in Candy.

JOHN: oh sure, i’m sure it’s GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and… 
JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!!! 
JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you’re busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade. 


Though John had just shown signs of not being quite as aromantic as we may have thought, he still seems slow to understand how romance works in practice. I can’t quite tell how much of his childish speak is an effect of his mental breakdown or recent revelation that Davesprite has a ghost butt.

JOHN: and it’s not like there’s really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she’s my grandmother, and she’s great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him! 
JADE: john… if you told me this earlier i would have… 
JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can’t even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and… 
JOHN: i guess what i’m saying is, i’m MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff. 


Can I just say the word

“sadstuck”

and be done with this post??? Jesus Christ, this is killing me.

JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go 
JOHN: and how fast is that again? 
JADE: about the speed of light! 
JOHN: well, can’t you use your space powers and bump it up a notch? 
JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john 
JADE: unless you teleport of course 
JOHN: and why can’t you teleport us again? 
JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!
JOHN: is that why we can’t go faster than light either? 
JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics!!! jeez 
JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn’t really a regular place, right? 
JOHN: isn’t the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we’re racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo? 
JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light 
JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in… even this one! 
JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about! 
JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi… 

JOHN: no, i don’t want to talk about physics! i don’t know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring. 

More Sadstuck when Jade reminds us she’s always been a passionate science nerd but never got to indulge with friends in that interest like John with his movies or Dave with his comics. At least the epilogues show that someone enjoys taking part in Jade’s lesser-known interests, namely her grandfatherson Jake.

JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much? 
JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is! 
JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!!! 
JADE: you take that back!!!!! 
JOHN: no. 
JOHN: magic is awesome. 
JOHN: science blows. 
JOHN: the end. 


😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

^ There’s ten frowny faces. One for John, one for Jade, and eight for dear sweet Casey the salamander.

Suddenly, John notices something stuck to his back. What could it possibly be???


This parody fatherly note just cracked me up so hard, holy shit. Why is Homestuck so funny?????

The real Dave would never spell McConaughey’s name correctly.


… well, at least until the line “im proud as shit youre my son or whatever.” That is so fucking mean and brutal, I can’t believe any version of Dave would ever make fun of John’s departed father so shamelessly.

It flips back into black comedy with the line “next stop: figuring out mcconaughey is trash” though.

It hurts so hard seeing a picture of the long gone Dad Egbert.


JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!! 
JADE: what? 
JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS. 
JADE: what is it?? 
JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. 
JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!!! 
JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH! 

JADE: where are you going? 
JOHN: I’M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS! 
JADE: what! john, no… 
JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE??? 
JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE?????? 
JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE! 


Through going into full-scale flipout mode, John reveals that he misses his dad far more than he lets on. He now thinks of April 13 more as the anniversary of his father’s death than his own birthday.


JOHN: I’M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE! 
JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! 
JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN’T COOL! *YOU’RE* NOT COOL! 
JOHN: LIKE IT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU! 
JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME?? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!!! 
JADE: 😐 
JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE HELL, MAN. 
JOHN: I DON’T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*?? WELL, HAVE YOU???? 
JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!!!!!!!! 


John’s flipped his shit so hard he’s now talking about the movie Saw, a famous scene of which we recently saw Caliborn reenact. It’s a pretty neat case of circumstantial simultaneity.


JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE! 
JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY! 
JOHN: OH NO, DON’T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I’M ON TO YOU, BUDDY. 
JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!! 


And right after referencing Saw, John breaks the fourth wall by nodding in-comic to the sky watermarks the comic has occasionally done with such figures as Snoop Dogg and the ICP. It’s such a perfect way to convey someone is having a serious mental breakdown.


JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO! 
JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON’T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE? 
JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD. 
JOHN: I CAN’T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! 


OOF OUCH SHIT FUCK. John’s lines about Davesprite sting HARD, HARD, HARD. I feel INCREDIBLY bad for John here. And I feel kind of bad for Davesprite too? But mostly John.

JADE: john… 
JADE: theres no one there 

JOHN: oh he’s THERE alright. 
JOHN: he’s probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him. 
JOHN: don’t you see, jade? he’s antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he’s done with you, remember? 
JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures. 
JADE: what pastures 
JOHN: it’s me. 
JOHN: I’M the pastures. 
JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh. 
JADE: what 
JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule? 
JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy 
JOHN: no, you see, it’s… 
JOHN: the mule represented, like… 
JOHN: i don’t know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something. 
JADE: …. 


John’s nonsensical metaphors are far funnier than they have any right to be. They might be even funnier than the metaphors the Striders are so fond of, because John’s always either fall apart early on or never make any sense in the first place.


JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES. 
JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite’s stupid ephemeral sky visage. 
JOHN: who cares about anything!!! 
JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots. 
JOHN: JUST. 
JOHN: WHO. 
JOHN: CARES. 
JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here 
JADE: … 
JADE: john? 

JADE: john… 
JADE: are you asleep? 
JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway 


And so, John’s tantrum and Jade’s screen time are both cut short when John suddenly passes out. What’s he going to dream about this time? We’ll find out after Openbound Part 2; a rather entertaining cliffhanger, I must say.

This post was incredibly fun to write. It’s probably one of the most self-indulgent I’ve ever written. I found plenty of excuses to talk about the various media I’ve liked over the years; let’s be real here, at some point I’m going to cave in and write an enormous post all about my favorite anime girls. It will be epic, just you wait. But for now, see you next time as Meenah meets even more shitty joke characters, some of whom I already have quite a few possibly interesting(???) things to say about.

>> Part 88: Greaser Grillings and Ghostly GIFs

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 77: What Is "Actuality?"

Introduction

Part 76 | Part 77 | Part 78 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 3 of 8 or so I hope but I really don’t know

Pages 4862-4877 (MSPA: 6762-6777)

I couldn’t resist having philosophy bullshit for a post title

Why did I have to stop in the middle of this exposition sequence? I’m sorry everyone.
Also as you probably haven’t noticed I’ve taken a bit of liberty ordering text and images.

Take a moment to appreciate this panel. Not enough people do.

TT: My bro did this too with his many fine films.
TT: Practically everything was a symbol for something. Either in mockery of the batterwitch, or conveying some hidden message to its audience. Each film was always rigorously picked apart for its head-scratching symbolic meaning.
TT: But he managed to accomplish all that without ever compromising the purity of his ironic vision, which I think was admirable.

Last post pretty much ended with me discussing the supposed symbolism in Rose’s books. Now we learn that Dave’s movies also had a crazy symbolism thing going on, but I guess we’re supposed to infer for ourselves what lies in there? Or maybe it’s more like how Homestuck references those comics and it’s probably intertwined with that.

GT: Your forebears are certainly entrepreneurial if nothing else.
GT: I can get behind the idea of making a killing if it means i also get to be as good at doing adventures as i hope to be.
GT: Did they ever bring the battle to the witchs doorstep or were the blows dealt strictly through public masquerades and theatrics?
TT: Yeah, they got pretty deep into the shit eventually.
TT: They were both very skilled combatants. I’m pretty sure she had some weird powers too.
GT: Powers you say?
TT: Communion with occult forces. Something like that.
TT: She knew things. Had visions. It’s why she was able to write those books, and more importantly, why Roxy and I were able to survive here. 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Rose in the scratched universe had the exact same whole crazy knowledge thing going on as her other self. The explanation almost feels like handwaving stuff but given what previous stuff we’ve seen with the trolls and their ancestors’ abilities it kind of works fine, makes sense even.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 75: The Juggalo Strikes Back

Introduction

Part 74 | Part 75 | Part 76 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 1 of 8 or so

Pages 4820-4840 (MSPA: 6720-6740)

Fun fact: the music in this walkaround was written for Rose’s planet, and yet it somehow works reasonably well here.

Act 6 Act 3 opens up with a walkaround game where Jane explores her planet, much like Act 4 did. As much as it established Doctor as a memorable song, the Act 4 walkaround was definitely a drag to get through. This one is very different with a more point and click style that makes it somewhat harder to miss out on anything, but requires more of you actually doing stuff and figuring it out. Or at least, it did according to my memory. Better see for myself.

This isn’t very cautious of her, actually.

Unlike in the last view of Jane’s house, her mailbox is gone once again.

When Jane enters the game, the first thing she does is jump off the balcony of her sinking house onto this platform thing. Unlike when John entered the game, she’s immediately exploring the world which is weird considering how much the alpha kids are thought of as doing nothing pretty much forever. At least this is a step in the right direction; if I remember right this whole act is one of the better parts of Act 6.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 70: A Friendship Permanently Ruined

Introduction

Part 69 | Part 70 | Part 71 >

Act 6 Act 2, Part 5 of 6

Pages 4569-4594 (MSPA: 6469-6494)

Jane’s conversation with Dirk’s responder about Sburb (i.e. stuff that matters) looks like this:

but her conversation with Roxy about teen drama shit looks like this:

(click to zoom in)

I think this difference says a lot about the alpha kids’ story arc, and how much time they waste on stuff that isn’t Sburb. I don’t even have much to say about the short pesterlog, other than that Jane is noticeably enthusiastic about starting up the game and more than ready to begin, and I think her entering the game could’ve easily progressed smoothly from here on out.

However—and this is a tangent that isn’t so much saying stuff about the short pesterlog—I imagine the progression of events might be too straightforward if Jane didn’t start getting bugged by other people. In the beta kids’ arc, getting John into the game was an interesting storyline because it was our first time seeing that happen, not to mention we didn’t even know he would be transported to another dimension. In the trolls’ arc that stuff is all kind of fast forwarded through, while in the alpha kids’ arc it’s interrupted by relationship drama. I think the story probably would’ve progressed interestingly enough without that happening since plot twists regarding starting the game have already happened in the form of things blowing up. Then again I can kind of see why Jane entering would keep getting delayed like that. Act 6 Act 2 isn’t really in any position to conclude yet; for one thing we still haven’t heard from Jake at all in this act, let alone see him make progress on his bunny mission.

Anyway let’s get on with the long pesterlog.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 63: Dirk’s Ironic Robot Company

Introduction

Part 62 | Part 63 | Part 64 >

Act 6 Act 1, Part 4 of 4

Pages 4227-4284 (MSPA: 6127-6184)

In a callback to a scene in the trolls’ arc, Jake discovers a grumbling giant version of Karkat’s lusus. Presumably the callback is there to make it extra obvious those are the trolls’ lusii—this isn’t the only time such a thing is done.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 51: A Tale of Two Vengeful Seers

Introduction

Part 50 | Part 51 | Part 52 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 24 of 32

Pages 3695-3716 (MSPA: 5595-5616)

When moving this blog to WordPress, I heavily edited the parts where I talk about John and Rose as a ship because let’s be real here, all I said about that pairing back then BADLY needed an overhaul.

It’s time for [S] Seer: Descend, a walkaround game that tops all others in chilling mood and rivals Alterniabound in scale while completely dominating it in plot relevance. Like some others, it opens with a flash sequence with, as the title suggests, Rose descending into the castle. I can’t help but notice the giant black squidmonster aura surrounding her, which just utterly dwarfs anything she did before going dark, and that includes glowing three different colors to my recollection.

Another part of the flash opening sequence that is pretty much impossible to screenshot: we very briefly glimpse both the green sun and a color-inverted pink sun. I’ve heard of theories that there’s a pink sun to complement the green sun, just like Alternia’s green and pink moons, though those are dismissed by many as a ridiculous crack theory that makes no sense. Only through catching the glimpse after rewatching that sequence did I notice that glimpsed pink sun. It’s really probably just a color-inverted green sun though.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 48: Bored Superdogs and Memory Revelations

Introduction

Part 47 | Part 48 | Part 49 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 21 of 32

Pages 3546-3613 (MSPA: 5446-5513)

Only in Homestuck could this picture make any sort of sense. Even then…

NOTE: I’m really blitzing through Act 5 now (by which I mean going about 30% faster), and boy am I proud of that.

NOTE 2: As school is ending, I have a big project over the next few weeks which I have to work a lot on. This means that I’m slowing down posts somewhat, with the next three posts weekly instead of every five days. Next post coming Sunday.

: (

We now focus on what Jack Noir is up to. He just killed Dad and Mom offscreen. As with Nepeta, it’s a bit of a relief we didn’t have to see them die onscreen; showing a guy killing two loving parents of main characters in love together would obviously be even more heartwrenching than anything we’ve seen so far. Compare this to Bro, who got an onscreen death scene. This is probably not because he is (arguably) not as likable as the other guardians, rather because his death was the culmination of a fight, while the other two were just on a date when it was suddenly interrupted. If John’s dad was in a fistfight with Jack and lost when Jack became more powerful, he would no doubt get a full death scene.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 45: Everything I Know Is Turning Magic

Introduction

Part 44 | Part 45 | Part 46 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 18 of 32

Pages 3415-3437 (MSPA: 5315-5337)

Man, when was the last time the title picture was at the start of the stretch of pages the post covers?

Picking up from where we left off, John went on a car ride with WV?* and is now talking to Jade in another long pesterlog.

* The question mark notation for the exiles before they became exiles always confused me in my first read. I think I interpreted the question marks a little too literally; I kind of thought it was supposed to indicate stuff on the order of, “is this guy WV or is it not?”

EB: hey jade, are you there? i have a computer now. 
EB: this boring guy keeps blinking at me though, and it’s weird. 
GG: john!!! 😀 
GG: wow, finally! 
EB: hi! 
EB: sorry i disappeared after you entered the game… 
EB: but from what i have seen in the clouds, it doesn’t look like you have had much trouble making progress! 
GG: nope! 
GG: dave was able to set up as my server player 
GG: he is building up my house right now so that we can deploy some equipment up there 
EB: oh, nice! 

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 44: Black Comedy Investigation Station

Introduction

Part 43 | Part 44 | Part 45 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 17 of 32

Pages 3360-3414 (MSPA: 5260-5314)

Yet another title picture that doesn’t match the post’s name.
I would’ve done something from the investigation scene but I’m avoiding having spoilery title pictures.

NOTE: Next post will be April 10.

This is the picture accompanying Karkat’s memo.
We just got done seeing evil Gamzee, so this is some pretty strong juxtaposition.

To kick things off, Karkat starts up a memo to warn his friends about murderous purple-bloods on the loose.

CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.
CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE. 
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN’T. 

This is the official reveal of Gamzee’s god tier title; he’s no longer the Bard of Fuck I Forgot. As I said last post, Gamzee’s god tier title most likely wasn’t revealed earlier because it would be too obvious of a hint that he’d become evil.

Also, it’s interesting how the trolls apparently all thought Gamzee’s title was a joke. Did nobody find his title the least bit foreboding? Or did they think that was merely an example of the idea that titles are meant to challenge players? Come to think of it, it’s probably the trolls thinking the idea that people are sometimes in some way the opposite of their title, which has been brought up a few times. I’m not sure, but really, it would make sense for the title to be at least a little ominous.

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