Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 47: Fairy Psychopomps and Sudden Vampires

Introduction

Part 46 | Part 47 | Part 48 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 20 of 32

Pages 3479-3545 (MSPA: 5379-5445)

And wordy journals.

Terezi just went missing after having caught up with Sollux when all of a sudden, we’re back to a flashback of Dave fooling around on his bro’s Xbox gaming system. One hell of a mood whiplash alright.

The puppets are all like, haha did you miss me?

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 44: Black Comedy Investigation Station

Introduction

Part 43 | Part 44 | Part 45 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 17 of 32

Pages 3360-3414 (MSPA: 5260-5314)

Yet another title picture that doesn’t match the post’s name.
I would’ve done something from the investigation scene but I’m avoiding having spoilery title pictures.

NOTE: Next post will be April 10.

This is the picture accompanying Karkat’s memo.
We just got done seeing evil Gamzee, so this is some pretty strong juxtaposition.

To kick things off, Karkat starts up a memo to warn his friends about murderous purple-bloods on the loose.

CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.
CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE. 
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN’T. 

This is the official reveal of Gamzee’s god tier title; he’s no longer the Bard of Fuck I Forgot. As I said last post, Gamzee’s god tier title most likely wasn’t revealed earlier because it would be too obvious of a hint that he’d become evil.

Also, it’s interesting how the trolls apparently all thought Gamzee’s title was a joke. Did nobody find his title the least bit foreboding? Or did they think that was merely an example of the idea that titles are meant to challenge players? Come to think of it, it’s probably the trolls thinking the idea that people are sometimes in some way the opposite of their title, which has been brought up a few times. I’m not sure, but really, it would make sense for the title to be at least a little ominous.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 43: The Evil Juggalo Nightmare

Introduction

Part 42 | Part 43 | Part 44 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 16 of 32

Pages 3321-3359 (MSPA: 5221-5259)

NOTE: Sorry the post’s two days late. So much for spring break giving me a faster schedule.

Up next is another walkaround, similar to Alterniabound but with a somewhat different, more worrisome tone. If you take a moment to examine the items scattered across the floor, there’s so much dramatic irony (thinking Vriska is harmless and Tavros is alive and well) and worries as to where everyone is, especially Gamzee.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 39: the CRISMATS SPECAIL

Introduction

Part 38 | Part 39 | Part 40 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 12 of 32

Pages 3133-3195 (MSPA: 5033-5095)

HO HO HO

WV, thinking John is dead, tries to escape his command station but the door jams because the station is out of fuel.

Of course you still have your secret treasure, but it will almost certainly prove to be of no use to you in this dilemma whatsoever. It clearly serves no significant purpose other than to be pretty, and to make your hand glowy.

Sure, whatever you say, Mr. Narrator! Some time later in the exile arc, we learn about plans for dealing with Jack Noir where it’s made clear that the ring will be used for stuff. With that in mind, PM being the final wearer of the ring is quite the plot twist.

Oh yeah, there’s another thing you forgot about! You ate that delicious green nuclear rock earlier in the day, even though it feels like it was more than a year ago.

Here’s something Homestuck occasionally does: linking to earlier pages in order to remind people of things they might have forgotten about. I think this probably should be done more often; for example, I’ve seen people reading Homestuck completely forget about the time Karkat told past Jade her robot will blow up when it is referenced several times later. In this case it’s a reminder of the Chekhov’s uranium. The “more than a year ago” bit is another one of those things that made the most sense to serial readers. But I guess that could make sense to archival readers (most especially those reading at a slow pace) given that as the link reminds us, the uranium was eaten over two thousand pages ago.

Ugh, there he goes again, bothering you. He is so impatient. Doesn’t he realize how time consuming it is preparing for the holidays? He’s just going to have to hold his stupid angry alien space horses.

Wait… you almost forgot, it’s still April, and nowhere near the holiday season. You guess all this wintry weather tricked you into thinking it was.

But wait! Even THAT doesn’t make any sense, since it never snowed on your island, and you were never able to connect it with the holiday season! Boy, are you confused.

But you always wanted a white Christmas, and dammit, that is what you are going to have, even though it’s April, and even though you are giving all these presents to yourself, and even though Jesus Christ is no longer a relevant figure to celebrate on account of the annihilation of humanity!

This is yet another part that made the most sense to serial readers. But it’s not that hard to guess that these panels were posted around Christmas time. I hadn’t previously realized it, but the following stretch of pages is essentially Homestuck: The Christmas Special. And I’m going to say stuff about Christmas specials.

Almost every TV show or other serial work of media will have at least one Christmas special, often in the second season. The classic Christmas special goes something like this: the characters meet Santa Claus and discover through him the true meaning of Christmas. However, in more modern works of media, as well as those geared towards older audiences, the theme of the Christmas special will be toyed with and in some way massively subverted. Think of a TV show or whatever else. Now think of its Christmas special. How much would you say it subverts the typical Christmas pattern? Repeat this process as many times as you want.

The narration quoted above specifically talks about how it’s not actually Christmas even though this is the Christmas special. Homestuck is a work of media that’s all about subverting typical patterns. Before we open presents, I should note that this is the only Christmas special in Homestuck, unless you count John’s alchemy binge, posted near the previous Christmas.

This is one of the most hilarious panels in Homestuck, subverting the pattern of detailed portraits (1234) we’ve been getting of some of the other trolls. The narration says, “Karkat cannot be conveyed with a more detailed portrait yet. He is too angry, and is forced to look like shit. Maybe later if he can manage to calm down.” Better yet, the drawing is very crude but still has subtly flashing screen light effects.

I LOVE how the Sburb interface font changes to Comic Sans for SBaHJ items.

TG: yes perfect 
GG: it is the prettiest tree i have ever seen!!!!! 
TG: ok im going to torrent you another like negative billion artifact grists 
GG: ok great! 
GG: everything about that makes total sense 

Dave is helping Jade make a Christmas themed upon everyone’s favorite comic. This Christmas special focuses mainly on Jade, but it also has people working together to set up a very merry Christmas.

Also, Jade is right on here. Why do you even need negative artifact grist? What purpose does it serve? How can you have negative amounts of grist in the first place?

As you can see from comparing the two pictures above, the conksuck boot above is literally flat and 2-dimensional. This whole SBaHJ-ey Christmas interlude is a nice goofy and silly break from dramatic shit.

GG: is this conksucky enough 
TG: its the conksuckiest piece of fucking shit that ever still somehow qualified as a boot 
GG: ❤ 
TG: you just know imigrants were responsible 
GG: well… 
GG: i am not even sure if i am technically a u.s. citizen! 
TG: yeah see what i mean

It sort of says something about Jade’s life that she apparently doesn’t know whether she’s a U.S. citizen. This implies that she doesn’t know what country she lives in. I’m pretty sure her island’s coordinates are in U.S. territory but I have no idea whether that counts as being a citizen. More on Jade’s isolation from society later.

Jade proceeds to have her own alchemy binge, and I’ll comment on whatever parts I feel like commenting on.

A few times in this sequence, including this alchemization, Jade uses some of her friends’ possessions. How did she get those? Probably Dave just gave her the code.

Jade tries to alchemize earmuffs but ends up making a fluffy ball plus headband instead. As the narration says, why is this thing so expensive? The sizable cost implies some kind of special use, though I can’t think of any use for such a thing.

You have secretly wondered whether your grandpa was actually Iron Man in his younger years. It would explain so many things, including why this armor is here.

This page is another one of these moments where an easily missable bit from a while back is brought to light. In this case, it’s the inexplicable Iron Man suit amidst a room full of knight armor.

Also, it’s pretty interesting to consider the implications of the narration’s statement that Jade wondered whether her grandpa is Iron Man (she should totally tell Jake this). This either demonstrates her grandpa’s status as an impossibly awesome guy or Jade’s status as someone secluded from society. I guess it could be both things.

There’s quite a bit of evidence throughout the comic that Jade is pretty isolated from society (for instance, remember when she dunked a towel in a toilet to try and clean it?), but despite that, she generally acts pretty normal. For example, even though she apparently follows through with the creepy taxidermy tradition, she seems to know it’s weird given that she warns John not to look in the lab atop her house because of her dead dream self. This reminds me of how Kanaya is emphasized in her introduction to be isolated from troll society but isn’t portrayed as oblivious to cultural norms, if anything the opposite. Jake, on the other hand, is portrayed as heavily oblivious to stuff because of his isolation from society, almost deconstructing Jade’s life. The alpha kids are in general deconstructions of traits of the beta kids—taking traits from beta kids and bringing them in a whole new direction—and I’ll have a lot to say about that when we meet them.

Jade makes an Iron Man suit and the pattern breaking count is back yet again. (20) The other kids eventually settle on a single outfit by the halfway point of Act 5 Act 2, but Jade switches between all the outfits she’s made.

If you are going to adopt a new regular outfit, you’d prefer something a little comfier and less ostentatious, and if possible, in less flagrant violation of copyright laws.

I totally forgot this funny copyright joke. Homestuck has never really followed copyright laws, flagrantly including appearances of and even more allusions to numerous works of media. This has some serious ramifications on Hiveswap, the upcoming Homestuck adventure game. I’ve heard that Hiveswap will use a troll alphabet different from the Daedric alphabet stolen from The Elder Scrolls that Homestuck uses.

This image above is an example of one of those interesting bits of trivia about Homestuck: types of grist used to make an object will often resemble the object itself, as will the numbers.

Jade combines some random stuff for experimentation’s sake (as I said I love these sequences where characters experiment with the game) and makes…

…none other than Johnny 5 himself! I was expecting something more complicated but it’s worth the gag.

Jade’s alchemy sequence ends with the narration saying, “Ok that’s enough.” followed by “HAPPY APRIL 13TH, 2009 EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, rubbing it in our face that this Christmas special isn’t on Christmas in-comic. It’s also a great example of the weirdness of webcomic time; Homestuck is probably an extreme case of this, with years of updates taking place over days.

Also, I’m pretty sure it’s April 14th, 2009 by now, not April 13th. The kids’ game entries are all spaced apart by around four hours, and John entered around 5:30 PM Pacific time, so Jade entered around 5:30 AM John’s time zone. Jade is four hours west of John so it’s at least April 14th, 1:30 AM in Jade’s time zone at this point. When the 24-hour reckoning ended and the session is scratched, I think it would be April 15, 2009, around 5:00 AM John’s time zone.

Pedantry aside, Jade’s alchemy binge is pretty cool but it doesn’t beat the amber smuppets and stuff that Dave made. In any case, merry not-Christmas everyone!

Jade answers Eridan, who I guess is the troll featured at the tail-end of this Christmas interlude. It would’ve been cool if the troll here was Gamzee because Christmas is in his zodiac sign, but whatever. There’s probably some alternate version of the zodiac where Christmas is in Eridan’s sign.

CA: noww that youre done makin all that pointless rubbish 
CA: ivve got somethin wway more wworth your wwhile 
GG: which one were you again? 
GG: wait 
GG: werent you the guy who was always trying to hit on me?? 
CA: that couldvve been anyone 

Eridan has a point here; at least half of the trolls have tried to hit on one or more of kids. I mentioned two posts ago that it’s really weird that so many of the trolls try to hit on the kids, and it seems like they acknowledge this.

CA: so you might as wwell take it and settle your score wwith that awwful wwitch 
GG: but 
GG: im the wwitch! 
GG: i mean witch 

If Eridan was Jade’s patron troll, she would no doubt make this mistake a lot.

GG: i do not have a score to settle with rose!!! 
GG: why would you think that? 
CA: oh 
CA: wwell fuck 
CA: suppose i wwas guessin it wwas natural to presume somesuch relation like that betwween the twwo a you 
GG: i think you are projecting your own attitude on to others 
GG: just because you tend to hate and/or hit on everyone you meet doesnt mean everyone else is that way 

Jade is pretty much summing up the deal with Eridan. Projecting your own attitude onto others always makes for hilarious dialogue, and it’s something a lot of trolls do.

GG: rose just sent me a code for a crystal ball, shes my friend and is basically the best! 

I guess that answers the question of how Jade used her friends’ possessions in alchemy. Pretty much what I presumed.

CA: oh i see so she shared her “magic secrets” wwith you then 
CA: its probably a trap i wwouldnt trust her 
CA: she is a cunnin and treacherous sort trust me i knoww her type 

This troll is hilarious. Did I mention that? Even though Rose called him a complete idiot he still inexplicably sees her as an adversary he just outclassed.

CA: oh wwill you just take the fuckin gun already 
GG: no i dont want it!!!!! 
CA: its a wway more powwerful wweapon than any of that crap you made 
CA: its a legendary relic wwithout equal 
GG: more like a legendary piece of shit! 
CA: youre bein needlessly fuckin stubborn about this im doin you a fuckin favvor here 
GG: yes but i dont like you very much and i feel really icky about accepting a present from you 

Note the phrase “a present from you”. This reminds me of the Christmas stuff that just happened.

Eridan gives Jade the code for Ahab’s Crosshairs and she recognizes it.

GG: hmmm… 
GG: i have seen this before 
CA: howws that possible 
CA: its a one of a kind wweapon plundered from an alternian ghost ship 
GG: i am very sure its the same rifle included with johns present 
GG: but… 
GG: bigger of course 
CA: probably a cheap imitation of the original 
CA: uh 
CA: kind of like that one there is 
CA: so theres your answwer stable loops ahoy 
CA: noww enjoy the utter fuckin domination it affords 

This newly made copy of Ahab’s Crosshairs is almost certainly the one that’ll be sent to the lotus time capsule. Sending the bunny’s weapons to the time capsule is one of those plot points that still needs to be resolved as of the Omegapause. I think there’s a 60% chance that it’ll be explicitly shown how that’ll play out. I say 60% because it’s largely pretty obvious how that’ll happen. The obvious part is how to get the weapons. Each of the four weapons probably has a copy currently available to put in: the Warhammer of Zillyhoo alchemized in the trickster arc; the Quills of Echidna taken from Echidna; the Royal Deringer which I think is a stage of the whole Welsh sword cycle thing; and of course, the copy of Ahab’s Crosshairs Jade just alchemized. The non-obvious part is who will do the task. I’m sure by now most of the characters have realized that the bunny will bring nothing but trouble, so I’m not sure who will be up for the task. Maybe Vriska will coerce Jake, who is oblivious to the danger the bunny provides as far as we know, into doing it? Or did some Derse agent already steal the weapons while we weren’t looking?

GG: yes but…. 
GG: i did not provide the weapons! 
GG: my penpal did 
CA: wwhos that 
GG: the guy who helps me build the present 
GG: we worked on it together but he supplied the bunnys weapons
GG: im pretty sure hes from the future! 
CA: wwhy 
GG: because he said hes my grandson 

It would be pretty interesting if Jade’s penpal turned out to be literally Jade’s grandson. But knowing the mixed-up family relations in Homestuck it’s not at all illogical to guess that he’s not her genetic grandson. If we are to assume that he is her genetic grandson, then this guarantees that some Jade ship will be canon.

CA: wwhat the fuck is a grandson 
CA: is that some kind of pervverse human familial thing 
GG: umm yes 
CA: nevvermind then your procreational biologistics make my fins curl in distaste 
GG: oh no!!!!! 
GG: aaaaa please dont tell anyone i told you about him! 
GG: augh how could i let that slip to you of all people 
CA: settle dowwn jade youre radically underestimatin the amount of shit i dont givve about this 

Surprisingly, Eridan of all people is the voice of reason here.* Pointlessly withholding information is sort of a thing in Homestuck. The aggravating thing about that is, 99% of withheld information is completely harmless to let out, and will at worst be thought of as some kind of prank.

* I’ve been waiting for months to say that.

GG: i have wondered about that, assuming he is right…
GG: he was so nice, and it really did feel like i was talking to family, so i really dont think he was making it up
GG: i couldnt help but try to imagine his parents… 

Here, Jade is assuming that her penpal had parents. That assumption is a bit weird when you consider that before the ectobiology sequence, the identities of John’s mother, Rose’s father, and Dave’s and Jade’s parents are never once brought up.

GG: and more interestingly…….
GG: his grandfather :O
GG: i still wonder who it could be…
GG: although i guess at this point
GG: the options are pretty limited 😮 

I can only imagine Jade thinking that she’ll have to have babies with Dave or sleuth out some other boy playing a Sburb session if she doesn’t want to bang a troll.

CA: ok i think im startin to feel ill talkin about things makin me fathom pink wwigglers comin out a your owwn personal torso 
CA: so change a fuckin subject 

Apparently the trolls know a thing or two about how humans reproduce that isn’t bullshit. It’s never really made clear how trolls came about to understanding human culture, other than I guess deducing certain things from the Trollian viewports.

CA: that gun i just gavve you is somethin of a hatchright to the kid
CA: happy i could play a role in your dirty stinkin lineage
GG: like an heirloom? i guess it could be
GG: do you even have those? if you dont have parents how could you?
CA: no wwe dont knoww our direct forebears and im pretty sure any attempt to seek out or evven inquire about the supplier of your genes wwould be a fine wway to get yourself killed 

It’s pretty interesting how Eridan is describing things about troll culture. It’s an unsettling thought, not just not knowing who your genes came from, but not being allowed to know, and since we’re talking about trolls, death is the penalty.

This bit brought to mind the pages where we learned about troll reproduction, and I just thought up something: when Karkat created the trolls, probably all their genes combined in one big slurry to create the other twelve trolls, and each one inherits genes from all the trolls, but the largest portion from one of them.

CA: but wwevve got our lore and it says wwe all got indivvidual ancestors wwho contribute to most of our genes abovve and beyond wwhat the grubs slurry does
GG: ewwwwwwww
CA: oh shut up
CA: anywway a lot of us believve wwere meant to trace the footsteps of those ancestors evven though wwe can nevver knoww em
CA: and on that journey wwe can come across belongings they once had cause wwe wwere hatched to find em and finish their wwork
CA: i kinda think thats wwhy i found the gun in the first place
CA: but noww im forsakin it because fuck i just found a better destiny than my old crappy one wwhich i nevver got any appreciation for anywway 

This is the first description of the concept of ancestors. It’s sort of a common thing in works of fiction for there to be a group of historical figures, each of whom strongly corresponds to a major character, from some specific time era. The ancestors are a pretty tangential aspect of Homestuck, though from what I can tell there’s quite a lot of fanworks about them. Some of the Homestuck videos I watched before reading the comic were weird stuff that featured them, which was a big factor in my impression of Homestuck.

Once I made a YouTube video that featured a snippet of some Homestuck video featuring the ancestors (among about ten other videos), and in the description I called those characters “some random animated characters”. Then a commenter told me that the characters are from Homestuck and their names are The Signless, The Ψiioniic, etc., which I thought was bizarre. In my first read, I never once reached the part where I thought to myself, oh, that’s the part with all those weird “the this, the that” characters. Although I do recall thinking of the Condesce (and also Meenah) as weird evil versions of Feferi.

Introducing the weird troll session countdown thing whatsit. 10:25 hours before some event, Jack slices the victory platform door in half and the trolls go to the meteor lab; 6:12 hours Jack destroys Prospit; 5:12 hours Karkat wakes up as we saw in Alterniabound; and here we are at 4:13 hours. These few pages are clearly meant to introduce the whole countdown thing, and they’re probably when Hussie had the idea for it. The whole point of the countdown I think is mostly to give people a scale of time for the troll session stuff.

AA: hi 
TA: hii? 
AA: i guess i sh0uld say s0mething 
AA: bef0re i g0 
TA: aradiia, ii am riight glubbiing here, liike two feet away from you. 
TA: iif you want two 2ay 2omethiing two me why don’t you ju2t turn two your left and 2ay iit, iit’2 bad enough that you’ve hardly 2aiid two lou2y word2 two me 2iince you became that 2weaty a22hole’2 2moochbot. 

Yet another moment where people lampshade the constant use of chat clients.

AA: i kn0w 
AA: but this is hard f0r me 
TA: how ii2 iit hard. 
TA: you are a tiin can, robot2 don’t have feeliing2. 
AA: n0 thats n0t true 
TA: ok then, what ii2 iit. 
AA: s0rry ab0ut everything 
AA: and all the bad luck y0uve had 
AA: y0u didnt deserve it 
AA: i have t0 g0 n0w 
TA: what, where are you goiing? 
AA: im n0t sure 
TA: er, cool ii gue22?? 

Here, Aradia is making her goodbyes, and trying her best to reconcile despite being a robot. Her apology gives her a bit of development as a character. First off, she is making her goodbyes to Sollux, her longtime friend, rather than Equius, who she was merely programmed to love. In a sense this is showing some emotions amidst her empty soul. That probably sounds lame but whatever. Also, she recognizes that the manipulative stuff she did to Sollux was rather undeserved, more hints of emotion.

AA: anyway thats it 
TA: waiit. 
TA: you mean for good, wiill ii see you agaiin? 
AA: i d0nt kn0w that either 
AA: but i guess if y0u d0 
AA: pr0bably n0t with y0ur eyes 
TA: what the hell i2 that 2uppo2ed two mean? 
AA: i think y0ull be 0k with it th0ugh 

Yet another bit reminding us of something we might have forgotten about. Back in the trolls’ arc, Sollux talked about the prophecy that he will die, become blind, and die again. Now we’re reminded of the blind part of that prophecy, the second third of it.

AA: 0_0 
AA: i wish 
AA: i c0uld s0meh0w make that em0tic0n smile 
AA: 0u0 
AA: n0 that l00ks stupid 
AA: 0h well 

Here, Aradia is trying to smile. It’s interesting seeing her try her best to make a heartfelt goodbye.

Some people insist those two were certainly never in a relationship.

2019 EDIT: HOLY SHIT, HUGGING? HOLD THE PHONE, THAT’S ABSOLUTELY UNHEARD OF!!!

At long last, robotic Aradia smiles as she gives Sollux a hug and then…

And there it is, fulfilling a promised future event in Alterniabound. Sollux takes off his glasses and sheds weird mustard tears. (I am not at all sorry for the gross imagery this will surely evoke.)

An hour later Terezi watches Doomed Dave wake up, saying that was apparently pointless given he was supposed to get killed in his sleep and then ascend. But then…

And that’s the ultimate failure of the attempt to get Dave to god tier. I already discussed this failure last post. Terezi breaks down in tears at the death of this Dave and leaves the lab. See you next time as Jadesprite becomes a thing.

>> Part 40: The Miracle of a New Beginning

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 32: The Bard of Fuck I Forgot

Introduction

Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 5 of 32

Pages 2793-2840 (MSPA: 4693-4740)



I am debating with myself whether it’s clichéd to start putting in “Where I…” between the title pictures of my posts and the first pictures. Because I want to have something between those pictures or it just looks awkward. Then again I have nothing between the title and following pictures in many of the posts where I retroactively added title pictures.


John connects to Jade and gets ready to do some important stuff until…

She’s back!


Nanna makes her classic pranking entrance and summons a bed to catch John and his stuff.

JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: really?
NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna.
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years. 

It’s never really stated how the guardians know all that stuff; the deal with them is that they somehow know stuff about Sburb. Did she know this through being raised by the Condesce who also seemed to know stuff about Sburb?

NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all! 
JOHN: huh, oh yeah. 
JOHN: don’t you find it all a little strange? 
NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me?

This might be my favorite Nannasprite line.

NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. 
JOHN: yeah! 
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo… 
JOHN: ectobiblio… shit! 
JOHN: (oops! sorry.) 

John here apologizes for swearing in front of Nanna. Some people seem to think that John only ever uses the so-called “minced oaths” (like gosh and darn), but here he lets out a profanity in front of his grandma.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! 

Is Nanna saying that she, too, had an echeladder as a kid?? I never realized that. If she’s saying what I think she is, I guess Homestuck’s game mechanics have existed in the comic’s world before video games even existed. That’s weird to imagine, young George Washington achieving the [insert goofy name here] rank and earning 2000 boondollars or whatever for doing whatever he did as a kid.



NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.

JOHN: ok. what is it? 
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go. 
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn’t endure those long spells without a good visit! 
JOHN: oh cool, that is great! 

Didn’t John talk to Nannasprite from afar in the Act 4 opening minigame? It’s never really explained how that was done.

Nanna prepares some food for John and…


So, are Chinese finger traps among the inventory of stuff Nanna can summon or what?


This transitions us to Rose with her laptop next to her, hassled by three trolls.


This is the first of several non-walkaround scenes that are shown in 8-bit mode.
It would’ve been cool if there was a little selection screen to pick which troll to answer first.


These chumps just won’t quit hounding you! 

It’s like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses, and they’ve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine.

I automatically read the second sentence in Let’s Read Homestuck’s Dave voice. If I’m bored I’ll often just watch one of their videos, and I’ve gotten pretty used to all their voices.

And here’s the first appearance of this new painting-like art style. It didn’t really stick.


CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock 
TT: ? 
CA: magic is NOT REAL 
CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely 
CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is 
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse 
TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I’m some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic? 
TT: You can’t needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don’t care. 
CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT 
TT: Fine. You win. 
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan. 

Is this where Eridan got the idea for his science s(h)tick (I’m so proud of this pun)?

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

This is one of several times troll misconceptions cause the kids to think “what the fuck are you talking about”. Eridan here is falsely deducing a whole weird idea of what Rose’s life was like, which reminds me of John speculating about the trolls being time travelers sent to study humans a few posts ago. Also, I love Rose’s last line in that bit I quoted.

CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing 
TT: What? 
CA: this thing wwe got goin 
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin 
CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature 
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld 
TT: And how was that? 
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental 
CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron 

It’s amusing as shit the way this guy hits on people.

TT: Accidentally? 
TT: Or on porpoise? 

Eridan probably saw this fish pun, obviously meant as mockery, as advances to him or something.

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

We don’t actually see much of trolls teaching kids troll romance. The whole little part where John <3< Terezi is established as a potential thing is an example but I’m not sure there’s that much else. Oh, and Kanaya telling Rose stuff about troll romance in that date scene which I like to think is a parody of lesbian fanfictions.

CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that 
TT: You want to learn magic? 
CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch 
TT: Sure. Let’s begin. 
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.


caligulasAquarium’s [CA’S] computer exploded.

What’s better than remotely blowing up someone’s computer? It almost seems like the Thorns of Oglogoth, like sprite powers, have new powers as the plot demands: blasting dark magic to kill enemies, destroying and levitating buildings from afar, flying yourself around, and now blowing up computers in other incipispheres.

— apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] —

AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!

Aradia’s first line in her conversation with Rose has an exclamation point. When dead Aradia uses exclamation points, that’s how you know shit must be serious.

AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es 
TT: Hi.
AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u
TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?
AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: breaking stuff
AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses
AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing
TT: ?
AA: what they say
TT: Who?
AA: y0u kn0w wh0 

Here we have the fatalistic troll warning someone who’s being the exact opposite of fatalistic that what she’s doing won’t work. And the worst part here is, she’s actually right. Rose ends up being something of a pawn, her destructive actions being exactly what’s “supposed to happen”.

AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening
AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice
AA: it w0uld have been nice 

Maybe Sollux could’ve served that role? He’s a pretty anti-fatalistic guy, with his intents to do good rather than to serve forces of destiny. But he probably accepted that his and Aradia’s inner voices are just a thing that exists, especially because low-blooded trolls tend to have psychic abilities like that.

TT: What did they tell you?
AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race 

Aradia said in the trolls’ arc that she knew that creating Sburb would destroy the world and that she merely tricked Sollux into creating it by telling him otherwise. Did she used to think that their actions would save the race until her voices told her otherwise or what?

AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke
TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle? 

I wonder if Rose knows at this point what the Ultimate Riddle is. Karkat explained it to John back in Act 4, and Rose may have figured it out from all the planet exploration/destruction quest stuff she’s been doing. We saw how much she already knew in that conversation with John a while back.

AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
TT: Well,
TT: Aren’t you doing that regardless? Right now?
AA: 0bvi0usly
AA: but im just talking
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe!!! 

OK, the way Aradia acted in Alterniabound clearly wasn’t a one-off thing; she has indeed become pretty bitter after becoming a robot.

AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack
AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit
AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT
AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY
TT: O_O
AA: hahaha!
AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: this is great
AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
TT: You have circuitry?
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: that w0uld be just
AA: really
AA: really
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R 

Here’s a weird fit Aradia throws about predestination. It’s followed shortly by a command for Aradia to randomly explode—it’s convincing and easy to fall for, but she denies the command, not even doing it in the following page. I fell for that command in my second read.

Apparently she’s standing on top of that captcha-card-shaped thing. Out of context it just looks like a staircase. I guess she flew on there but it’s still weird.


AC: :33 < pst :oo
TT: Yes?
AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy
TT: Why, what ever could you want?
AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm
TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded.
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
TT: Is what?
AC: :33 < he available?
TT: Who?
TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?
AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her
AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle 

Nepeta is really apologetic here. I guess this is what happened to her view of the kids after trying and failing to befriend them as she says she did in Alterniabound.

TT: It’s ok. I understand.
TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.
AC: :33 < yay! :OO

This pun here seems more friendly than mockery like in her conversation with Eridan. Rose has clearly warmed up to the trolls. She and Dave seem to have generally thought the trolls to be a bunch of morons rather than rude assholes.


Rose summons Jaspersprite and gives him her old laptop, obvious outgrowing symbolism here. I think the deal with her arc at this point might be growing up too fast? It’s only been like 8 hours or something and this much stuff has happened. I guess that’s webcomic time for you.

JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers.
ROSE: It’s a little complicated, but I believe I’ve embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3
ROSE: I’m saying there’s something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends.
JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make!
JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway! 

It’s been canonically brought up that maybe wrecking stuff was Rose’s real quest tied in with her real development of a person and playing the rain was just a fake thing. But Jaspersprite does seem to be honest here about Rose’s planet quest. As I said in Act 4, many readers are convinced Rose will end up playing the rain one way or another, and this may be the main reason why.

JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost. 
JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose! 

These lines bring Jaspersprite’s return to relevance as Jasprosesprite^2 being a thing to mind. At first she found cat and owner combining with each other to be a great thing for both of them, but now she’s suffering exactly what’s happening with Davesprite, which is why I feel that squared sprite won’t last forever. Maybe she’ll unfuse somehow and the Rose she was can return to catching up with the meteor crew’s version from her timeline. Maybe unfusing sprites is within Dirk’s arsenal of god tier abilities? I’m not sure. I kind of hope that happens in some way, given how Jasprose talked about her sadness about not being able to be with Kanaya and whatnot.

ROSE: See you, Jaspers! 
ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello. 
JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3

This bit brings Jaspersprite’s whole reunion with Roxy way later to mind.


Dave talks to another batch of three trolls.

TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS 
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY 
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe 
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe 
TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF 
TC: AnD ThEn 
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU? 
TG: what 
TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL 
TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg 
TC: SeE, lIkE 
TC: ThAt’s kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR 
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT 
TC: DoInG ThAt’s tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT 
TC: As iN TrOlLeD 
TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU 
TC: Im lIkE DoInG 
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY 
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o) 
TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs 
TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE 
TC: AnD WhEn i’m aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On 
TC: It’lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN’T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS 
TC: ThAt’s hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe 
TC: HoNk hOnK >:o) 
TG: oh god thats right 
TG: you were the best troll 
TG: i remember now 
TC: WhOa, I WaS? 
TG: yeah 
TG: i mean 
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible 
TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said 
TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW 

Here Gamzee’s doing what Dave says the trolls always do, ranting about how hard he’s about to get trolled with no ensuing substance. In his other conversation with Dave, after becoming evil, he is seriously mad at him and is trolling him, which is actually effective. I think this gives a decent contrast between Gamzee’s good and evil states.

TG: it was months ago for me 
TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing 
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit 
TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno 
TG: and then 
TG: you kinda got over that i guess 
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space 
TG: remember 

Here’s Dave foreshadowing Gamzee turning evil: his religion is ruined, and he’s suddenly apparently not awful at rapping. His evil twist comes as a shock to readers but is plenty foreshadowed: in this conversation several times and on this page. This is also the first time Gamzee is referred to as a juggalo.

TC: My mInD’S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT’S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe 

Don’t those pies rot Gamzee’s brain? He apparently thinks the contrary. This is also more foreshadowing. It’s already known that those slime pies, which Gamzee is addicted to, do funny things to a troll’s brain, so when he’s low on pies, his brain won’t be so funny.

TG: could be time shit 
TG: you might not have had the conversation yet 
TC: DoGg, I DoN’T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG 
TC: I DoN’T GeT TiMe 
TC: I WaSn’t tHe dUdE Of tImE 
TC: I WaS ThE 
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn 
TC: BaRd oF 
TC: FuCk 
TC: I FoRgOt :o( 

Even more foreshadowing. Gamzee forgot his own god tier title, and the fact that half of it is still withheld suggests that there’s more to him than we’ve seen.

TG: dude i was telling you 
TG: youve got to check this out 
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally 
TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit 
TC: Oh, MaN 
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn’t sEe hOw i wOuLdN’T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs 
TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that 
TG: that still makes no damn sense 
TG: but like 
TG: the thing youre looking for 
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck 
TG: your mirthful messiahs 
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao 
TG: anyway theyre here dude 
TG: check it out 
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs 
TC: :oO

The weird thing is, in Homestuck’s universe juggalos were probably inspired by people’s subconscious knowlege of Gamzee, rather than Gamzee being inspired by juggalos. The subjugglators are obviously a clown thing which I think was led by Gamzee’s ancestor, and Dirk mentioned that the Condesce was rumored to have recruited the ICP as dual presidents because they resembled her old form of government. In Homestuck as a comic, Gamzee is based on juggalos. In Homestuck’s universe, juggalos are based on Gamzee.

Gamzee watches the video and the panels progress like so…


He looks awed here…
This would look like a game face on Karkat but real irritation on Gamzee.
We’ve NEVER seen him angry like this. This is such a Karkat face.
Holy SHIT.


For the first time in the comic, he’s ANGRY. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if the other trolls learned about the stuff Hussie based them on. What if Eridan watched all the Harry Potter movies? Or Kanaya read the Twilight saga? Or Tavros watched some Peter Pan cartoon?

— centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] —

CT: D –> I’m attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure 

Equius’s first line here is letting you know, this conversation’s gonna be a doozy. Dave’s obviously gonna fuck with that troll some more, but this conversation’s going to soon go into an interesting direction which I’ll discuss as the conversation goes on.

TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow 
CT: D –> I see 
CT: D –> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual 
CT: D –> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG 
TG: no 
TG: well yeah 
TG: verbal pulse 
TG: rap battles 
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky 
TG: this is like 
TG: our religion man 
TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around 
CT: D –> Really 
CT: D –> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets 
CT: D –> Or the Earth equivalent 

What Dave says here reminds me of Terezi’s joking statements about what trolls do (sniffing each other’s sentences, having a troll Jegus). I guess that’s a parallel between those two.

TG: yeah well 
TG: used to be dictated 
TG: til the rapocalypse happened 
TG: i still believe though 
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way 
TG: that he will come 
TG: our savior 
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot 
TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy 
TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry 
CT: D –> I believe 
CT: D –> That this is probably nonsense 

This shows that Equius, despite his let’s say problem, does have some sense in his mind.

CT: D –> I’ve already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline 
CT: D –> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it 

Hey, aren’t trolls all about doublecrossing, especially in Equius’s caste? I guess that “deception” could be distinct from what trolls like doing so much. Also, his misconception about humans’ apparent “habit of deception” is amusing; it’s more like if a bunch of dumb douchebags keep asking you about human culture, it’s funnier to make shit up. Also because humans don’t have a fucking caste system, at least not a universal one.

TG: hahahahaha 
TG: douche 
CT: D –> Did I say something entertaining 

The deal with Equius is that he never tells jokes but is absurdly hilarious in the most fucked up ways just by being himself.

TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme 
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole 
CT: D –> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices 
CT: D –> But I’m not much of a poet 
TG: come on 
CT: D –> My poems are private 
TG: whatever dude 
TG: deprivatize them 
CT: D –> If you’re prepared to be particularly forceful about it 
CT: D –> I may be suitably disgusted to comply 
TG: just 
TG: take whatevers in there 
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin 
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets 
CT: D –> Yes 
CT: D –> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me 
CT: D –> Flowing 

Eww. This is such obvious innuendo I don’t even know what to say.

Dave’s rap has a few lines worth commenting on:

TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist 

Apparently Dave does block the trolls, even though he clearly never was as aggravated by them as John and Jade, mostly thinking they’re a bunch of idiots.

TG: so thoughtful to popul- 
TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix 

I love the word “hemoerotic” Dave coined. It’s punny and describes Equius’s “thing” pretty aptly.

CT: D –> But perhaps 
CT: D –> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time 
CT: D –> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme 
CT: D –> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities 
CT: D –> Let’s eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities 
CT: D –> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities 
CT: D –> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities 
TG: holy shit 
TG: what 
CT: D –> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft 
CT: D –> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec 
TG: what the fuck 
CT: D –> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are 
CT: D –> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar 
TG: oh god 
TG: ok stop 

Here Equius, just by being himself, creeps Dave out. Meanwhile, the trolls who are actually trying to be angry flamers all either get their ass handed to them or their victims’ eyes rolled all over their faces. Sometimes the best trolls are the ones that don’t try hard.

This picture exemplifies the weirdness of this new art style. The shade on the left of Dave’s head looks almost like he has a huge ear like he’s a monkey or something.
I’ve heard theories that this art style is deliberately kind of awkward, but I think it’s just regular weirdness.


CT: D –> Giving up on the treasure so easily 
CT: D –> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility 
CT: D –> As valuable an asset as strength is 
CT: D –> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG 
CT: D –> Such weapons require finesse to operate 
CT: D –> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging
CT: D –> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint 

Equius seems to think that people all have the same mindset and weird problems he does.

TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now 
TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude 

Dave outright admits that this dude creeps him out. As I said earlier, he’s an effective troll without trying to be effective.

CT: D –> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS
CT: D –> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield 
CT: D –> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands
CT: D –> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus 
CT: D –> I know what this is like 
TG: man 
TG: im not that strong ok 

TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk 

Oh, I guess that’s what Equius was talking about with Dave breaking swords easily.


Dave retrieves that sword from I guess slicing a column in half? It’s kind of hard to see how that worked. Equius gets horny I mean sweaty and dries off:



That little funny moment is over, time for more Dave/Terezi dialogue. I think Dave here is saving the best for last.

GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS! 
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3? 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T? 
TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started 
GC: TH1S 
GC: P4RTY 
GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D 
TG: god everything is about parties with you 
GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON 
TG: ok 
TG: lets see some fine art then 
GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU 
GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S 
GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S 
GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS 
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3 

I’m pretty sure that so far in this act, no Dave and Terezi conversation has gone without linking to a silly comic or gif or whatever.

GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3 
GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST 
TG: alright but 
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt 
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff 
TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever 
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D??? 
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY 
TG: well yeah thats what i thought too 
TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one 
TG: to piss him off 

“This guy thinks I’m hitting on you. Fuck him, I’ll keep doing it.”

GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3 
GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL? 
TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like 
TG: my grill is your goddamn prison 
TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker 
TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid 
TG: privy to what i flame broil from below 
TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger 
TG: hows it smell btw 
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS 
TG: yeah i thought so 

Is is what Karkat means by Dave hitting on Terezi?

GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS 
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D 
GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S! 
GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH 
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG! 
TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit 

I totally forgot about (or hadn’t read?) Terezi comparing Dave to Karkat in some ways. This might be why people ship them. But if you ask me, that’s more reason for them to clash than for them to apparently giggle together.

Speaking of shipping Dave and Karkat, despite the stuff in it that I always talk about how awful it is, I can’t wait until I get to the John/Dave/Karkat conversation way later so I can dissect that whole thing in a way I’m really proud of coming up with. Should I rename this series to Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck? Probably not yet since I renamed this post series not long ago I have a feeling it might turn into that when I get to the material leading to Game Over and the controversial paths the story takes following that. 

EDIT (9/23/2019): As I’m going through these posts and reformatting them for WordPress use, I have been constantly resisting the urge to edit them with retrospective thoughts, but this observation is too good to pass up: Dave’s reaction to Terezi comparing him to Karkat is exactly like Dirk’s reaction to god tier Calliope comparing him to Caliborn. Like Strider, like Strider I suppose.

GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG 
GC: BUT R34LLY 
GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3 
GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3 
GC: COOL3R >:] 
GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C 
TG: issues 
TG: what are you talking about 
GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3 
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S 
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S 
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS 
GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG 
GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY 
GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 
GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[ 

Terezi is getting psychoanalytical up in here.

TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me 
GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3 
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3 
GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS 
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO 
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S! 
GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3 
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?? 
GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T’S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW >:D 
TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me 
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 
GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y 
GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R 

Arc stuff I guess. I’ve seen this whole thing of the deal with Dave being described by readers so many times that it really isn’t much new to talk about that stuff so I won’t bother. The stuff I quoted explains much of it anyway.

GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y 
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S 
TG: not gonna happen 
GC: COM3 ON! 
GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M 
GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3 
GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY! 
GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP 
GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:| 

This covering-up-body-mutations parallel between Dave and Karkat is frankly a bit of a stretch. The kids’ eye colors are hardly ever talked about, not even brought up in physical descriptions like “that kid with brown hair and green eyes”, but the trolls’ blood colors are a VERY big deal in their society so of course you’d want to avoid showing a mutation that’ll surely get you killed. Even on Beforus, red blood will get you coddled excessively which is also no good.

Plus, Rose, Roxy, and arguably Dirk also have very odd eye colors. Nobody blinks an eye (heh) about any of them, not even the ones that aren’t behind sunglasses. Additionally, Dave got his sunglasses from his brother, presumably to make him be just like daddy. Nowadays Dave continually wearing these Stiller shades is more of his personal brand than anything else.


Weird creepy random close-up.


TG: hey look at this change of subject going down 
TG: about this comic 
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep 
GC: Y3S

TG: why 
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW 
GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D! 
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3 
TG: i dont feel tired 
TG: could be rose waking me up again 
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit 
GC: OH? 
TG: can you see in my dreams 
GC: NO >:[ 
TG: too bad 
TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason 
TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show 
GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO 
GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!! 

Here’s what just hit me: Terezi is fucking brilliant. She’s using her silly comics, which she and Dave both know he can’t say no to, to guide him around. That’s also how she gets Dave to summon Davesprite.

GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T 
GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:] 
TG: ok see ya

Dreams as sweet as he tastes. That’s such an amazing pun.

DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch 
DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast 

Going through the game way faster/different than usual is what happens when veterans assist you through it. Except the veterans aren’t a bunch of rad 20-year-olds who know all the cheat codes and hacks, they’re a group of gray-skinned douchebags who each have some kind of absurd gimmick.

2019 EDIT (I really need to cool off on those): I am 20 years old now and this line is really weird for me to read. If I wrote this same passage right now I’d probably say “a bunch of rad 25-year-olds”.

DAVE: is that how you pronounce that 
DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so 
DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh 

This is the weirdness of spoken dialogue shown in Homestuck in action: the joke here is that readers might not know how Caledfwlch is pronounced so Davesprite says it in a way that he thinks is right, but we don’t actually know that pronunciation. I read it as /cal-ed-foolch/.  Let’s Read Homestuck says it as /cal-ed-vulk/ which I think is the closest you can get to the Welsh pronunciation using English sounds.

DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game 
DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question 
DAVE: fuck yeah it is 
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something 
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better 
DAVE: yeah thats what i figured 
DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc 
DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options 

I love these chats about how stupid and absurd this game is. It’s a major theme how people talk about how this whole adventure is the dumbest thing ever, which brings Homestuck’s satirical nature to light. This remains strong in recent updates, with things like Dave talking about Rose’s supposed planet quest.

DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me 
DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it 
DAVE: should i just chuck it too 
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen 
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus’s minions 
DAVE: hes the denizen right 
DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge 
DAVE: isnt that like a greek god 
DAVE: or roman or whatever 
DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind 
DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much 
DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it 
DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back 
DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what 
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude 
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come 
DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work 
DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come 
DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off 

This chat about denizen stuff is interesting because it shows denizens being something other than stoic and cryptic. Then again, at this point we’re still pretty new to the concept of denizens, so maybe Hussie decided to fiddle with it a little after coming up with the idea.

DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword 
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out 
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing 
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear 
DAVE: really 
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out 
DAVE: thats kind of retarded 

This is a parallel between Dave and Rose regarding their supposed game roles which I’ve seen people point out. Just like playing the rain, the sword stuff might be a red herring quest. I’m pretty sure it’s deliberately super damn confusing.

DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of 
DAVESPRITE: release myself 
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing 
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me 
DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already 
DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright 
DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble 
DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them 
DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore 
DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up 

This seems to be the stage where players are done with needing sprites to guide them around. Assuming the idea that sprites are meant to eventually die off is true, breaking that idea leads to interesting stuff. On the battleship, Nannasprite and Jaspersprite are complacent with their lives as a grandma and a cat, but Davesprite becomes a tragic figure, feeling himself worthless as not at all the real Dave. That’s why I like the idea of Davepetasprite^2 being a thing, because it brings Davesprite’s arc in a way better direction. Some people resent that Davesprite just suddenly combined with Nepeta rather than working through his issues, but I think it’s actually pretty cool how that happened, with a whole new idea of heroism way beyond regular Dave stuff. All this is coming from someone who’s complained about several of the recent plot developments.

DAVE: where will you go 
DAVESPRITE: dunno 
DAVESPRITE: fly around 
DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe 
DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard 
DAVE: oh yeah 
DAVE: where do you think he is 
DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline 
DAVESPRITE: who knows 
DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him 
DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one 
DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that 
DAVE: yeah 
DAVE: ok good luck with that 
DAVESPRITE: thanks man

I like to think that over time, Davesprite gradually grew to respect his bro to some degree rather than Dave who has it in his mind that he was a huge asshole. There isn’t very solid evidence for that, rather just a headcanon I have.


Vriska puts Dave to sleep, Davesprite goes for the badass.


caw caw motherfuckers


See you next time as we meet a brand new character named Jade.


>> Part 33: Cthulhu Acid Trip Dreams

Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 26: Seadwweller Drama and Meta Madness

Introduction

Part 25 | Part 26 | Part 27 >

Act 5 Act 1, Part 6 of 7

Pages 2407-2542 (MSPA: 4307-4442)

NOTE: I recently updated some of my old posts. Mostly some little tweaks, adding some extra information and opinions of stuff, and adding more labels to the posts.

NOTE 2: Going on vacation, so no posts next week. Next post will be Friday around noon, and next post will be either next Sunday or Wednesday depending on when I get back.

(excessively long evil gloat omitted)

Rule of thumb: if it doesn’t say the scene will abruptly switch, it will switch.
If it says it might abruptly switch, it won’t.
Same goes for any recurring gag.

Time to meet the last two trolls in a 2x transition combo. Both have their names given to us, then have a character establishing moment. First Eridan kills someone’s giant whale lusus with his harpoon gun, riding his seahorse lusus like a boss. Then Feferi catches the dead lusus with her net and feeds it to her giant tentacle monster lusus, Gl’bgolyb. Feferi’s moment is establishing because it’s her response to being asked to do something adorable; I think that may establish her odd view of the world, where everything is a lot more positive in her mind than it really is. I love the way that monster is given a sense of scale, with a giant whale lusus dwarfing the size of a troll, which itself is DWARFED by Glb’golyb (am I the only one who reads the name phonetically rather than as “glub glub”?) which I’ve seen estimated to be about 20-30 miles in length. Then we learn the interests of each of those trolls, and that’s where I’ll say stuff about both of them.

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Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 25: March of the Quadrants

Introduction

< Part 24 | Part 25 | Part 26 >

Act 5 Act 1, Part 5 of 7

Pages 2323-2406 (MSPA: 4223-4306)

Why was her introduction delayed so long?

Nine trolls down, three to go. After a fair amount of time getting to know some lunatic trolls we’ve never heard from before, we finally get to know the one who has a thing for Rose.

Kanaya Maryam is strongly emphasized in her introduction page to be an unusual troll in many ways. She enjoys the rays of the sun, has a taste in fashion, has a rare blood caste, has an exceptionally rare mother grub lusus, enjoys odd literature just like Rose, and also has knowledge of stuff through dreams just like Jade. Going by her introduction page—which uses the phrase “you are one of the few of your kind” five times—she’s essentially a combination of the two human girls (while Karkat might be thought of as a combination of the two boys). It’s worth noting that her introduction is much later than that of each of the other trolls we heard from in Acts 3 and 4. I think this might have been done to establish her as a troll who is very much unlike most of the others. Her status as such is interesting because while at this point it’s very heavily emphasized, I’m not sure how relevant it is to her role in the story. The big thing about her is her affiliation with motherhood, tying directly in with her role as a space player, and her supposed role in reviving the troll race. She also gets a distinctive honor of being part of one of very few pairings (Kanaya/Rose) that has stayed sturdy for a long time and continues to be that way; it seems like nobody can stay mad at the fact that those two are together. That relationship is noted for its strength, how it stays in place through hardships and through retcons. Also, I said two posts ago that she’s portrayed as one of the few sensible trolls as shown in a conversation with Vriska, not to mention humorous in her own subtly scornful way. Overall, she’s definitely one of the more likable trolls.

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