Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 44: Black Comedy Investigation Station

Introduction

Part 43 | Part 44 | Part 45 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 17 of 32

Pages 3360-3414 (MSPA: 5260-5314)

Yet another title picture that doesn’t match the post’s name.
I would’ve done something from the investigation scene but I’m avoiding having spoilery title pictures.

NOTE: Next post will be April 10.

This is the picture accompanying Karkat’s memo.
We just got done seeing evil Gamzee, so this is some pretty strong juxtaposition.

To kick things off, Karkat starts up a memo to warn his friends about murderous purple-bloods on the loose.

CCG: THE WORST CASE SCENARIO HAS HAPPENED.
CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE. 
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN’T. 

This is the official reveal of Gamzee’s god tier title; he’s no longer the Bard of Fuck I Forgot. As I said last post, Gamzee’s god tier title most likely wasn’t revealed earlier because it would be too obvious of a hint that he’d become evil.

Also, it’s interesting how the trolls apparently all thought Gamzee’s title was a joke. Did nobody find his title the least bit foreboding? Or did they think that was merely an example of the idea that titles are meant to challenge players? Come to think of it, it’s probably the trolls thinking the idea that people are sometimes in some way the opposite of their title, which has been brought up a few times. I’m not sure, but really, it would make sense for the title to be at least a little ominous.

CCG: HE’S COMPLETELY SNAPPED, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU FURTHER AHEAD ON THE TIMELINE, I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW DANGEROUS HE IS.
CCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO THE BLACK KING.
CCG: NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN IT, AND THEN HE JUST WENT BACK TO SPACING OUT FOR THE REST OF THE BATTLE.
CCG: I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
CCG: I DON’T EVEN THINK THE KING COULD FUCKING BELIEVE IT, FRANKLY.
CCG: DID ANYONE’S ATTACK DO AS MUCH DAMAGE? I DON’T THINK SO.
CCG: I DON’T EVEN THINK VRISKA’S DID, ALTHOUGH IT’S HARD TO SAY SINCE THAT WAS THE KNOCKOUT BLOW.
CCG: ^^^ SPOILERS.
CCG: I GUESS WE THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A SECRET JOKE POWER OR SOMETHING? 

Here we learn that Gamzee released a crazy powerful attack on the black king. As I’ve mentioned before, this is an advantage of Hussie not making the black king battle into a flash. We can learn new things about it without the flash feeling incomplete in retrospect, which would of course be no good. The ending section of the trolls’ arc narrated by Aradia also feels incomplete in retrospect, but this is more excusable because it’s not presented as a whole dramatic battle.

Gamzee’s attack could’ve been talked about earlier, but somewhat like his god tier title, I’m not sure if it would be too blatant foreshadowing to reveal this attack back in Aradia’s exposition sequence. I could imagine that sequence having an extra page inserted into it, with some text like “even with a surprise attack released thr0ugh the inner rage 0f a mell0w bard“. That sounds a bit spoilery but for a recap of the black king battle it would work.

CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK.
CCG: GUYS, I AM TERRIFIED, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
CCG: I’M IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES, AND I THINK I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM?
CCG: OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD A HONK.
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
CCG: IT CAME FROM THE HORN PILE
CCG: I DON’T KNOW IF IT WAS JUST THE BODY SETTLING ON AN ERRANT HORN OR…
CCG: OR IF…
CCG: I HAVE TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: HeY BeSt fRiEnD.
PTC: nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do?
PTC: i’M nOt FoLlOwInG.
CCG: PAST GAMZEE, GOD DAMN IT.
CCG: I AM TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE OF YOUR MURDEROUS FUTURE SELF.
CCG: THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
CCG: NOW GO BACK TO GROPING YOUR HORNS AND BEING DISTRACTED BY COLORS YOU USELESS FUCK.
PTC: YeAh, I CaN DeFiNiTeLy cArRy oUt tHaT OrDeR, bRo.
PTC: i gUeSs i’lL WaIt uNtIl tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN FuTuRe hApPeNs tO SeE AbOuT WhAt aLl tHiS MuRdErInG NoIsE Is. :o)
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo. 

For some reason, Gamzee doesn’t find what Karkat said the least bit scary. He just doesn’t really understand it. Although it seems as if he doesn’t think the murdering stuff is anything bad, he’s probably too stoned to process it as any sort of bad news. 

The closest Gamzee has had to a reaction to death before turning evil is when he learned Sollux was killed in the Vast Glub. He was rather unaffected because he felt that there’s a miracle coming, so it’s kind of unclear.

CCG: I REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT 
CCG: I SHOULD TRY TO REVIVE THEM FIRST. 
CCG: I KNOW DERSE AND PROSPIT ARE GONE, BUT IF THERE’S ANY CHANCE AT ALL THEY SURVIVED I’VE GOT TO TRY. 
CCG: I’M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING NEAR THAT HORN PILE THOUGH. 
CCG: WHAT IF HE’S BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME??? 
CCG: I AM SHITTING MYSELF SO HARD HERE, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO. 
CCG: GUESS I HAVE TO BRAVE IT FOR FEFERI’S SAKE. 
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 380 HOURS AGO responded to memo. 
PCC: For my sake? 38) 
PCC: W)(at do you mean, Crabcatc)(? 
CCG: OH GOD, FEFERI… 
PCC: Is any of t)(is serious? 
PCC: It’s so )(ard to tell! All of your memos )(ave been so outrageous, I can’t even decide w)(at to take seriously anymore. 
PCC: T)(is one sounds like the biggest w)(opper of all, to be conknest! 

Feferi here thinks Karkat is making shit up in this memo. All I can think is, really Feferi?? Does Karkat seem the least bit like the kind of guy who would make up fake stories about his friends killing each other? Or is she like, haha, no way any of our friends would ever murder each other? That may fit with her character, but it’s not like the trolls haven’t killed or tried to kill each other before; remember the flashback arc? But to be fair, Gamzee turning evil and murderous really is pretty hard to believe.

Also, fun fact: “conknest” was supposed to be “conchnest” but Hussie mistyped because he had lately typed a lot of honks. When he realized this mistake, he decided not to change it because it’s a funny mistake, reminiscent of the SBaHJ-ism “conksuck”.

CCG: YES I AM DEAD “GLUBBING” SERIOUS, OK. 
PCC: STILL SOUNDS PRETTY FIS)(Y TO M-E!!! 38D 

Feferi’s line here is just so heartwrenching, with her usual lively tone as someone’s trying to convince her he’s not making stuff up about some horrible things that happened, not the least of which is her dying. You know how when you’re in a foul mood, seeing others really loud and happy just makes your mood even worse? Well, that’s the impact of Feferi’s line.

CCG: FEFERI, I’M SORRY. 
CCG: IT WAS MY FAULT, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 
PCC: Sorry for w)(at?? 
CCG: FOR 
CCG: I 
CCG: I CAN’T DO THIS 
CCG: IT’S TOO MUCH FOR ME, I’M SORRY. 
CCG banned PCC from responding to memo. 

Karkat “can’t spit it out” Vantas just can’t bring himself to say his friends got murdered, rather just let out vague hints of what happened that none of the trolls are smart enough to put together. Fuckin’ trolls.

CCG: BEFORE I GO 
CCG: EVERYONE SHOULD ALSO KNOW ERIDAN HAD A COMPLETE SHITHIVE MELTDOWN TOO 
CCG: HE’S GOING AROUND KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND 
CCG: SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM. 
CCG: IF I RUN INTO HIM AGAIN, I’M… 
CCG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW. 
CCG: HE BETTER PRAY TO ALL HIS MURDERED ANGELS IT DOESN’T HAPPEN. 
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 311 HOURS AGO responded to memo. 
PCA: a magic wwand is that so 
PCA: kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish

God dammit, how stupid ARE the trolls??? Eridan thinks that Karkat claiming he’s been using a magic wand is a clue that this memo is complete nonsense. What the hell is he thinking? Does he think that because he doesn’t use a magic wand now means that he will never use one at any point in the future? Who the hell knows.

We also didn’t get to see what Eridan’s planet looked like in the trolls’ arc.
Now we know.

CCG: HEY ASSHOLE 
CCG: CONSIDER OUR “PACT” OVER 
PCA: wwevve got a pact 
CCG: NOT ANYMORE 
CCG: YOU ARE DEAD TO ME 
CCG: PAST YOU, PRESENT YOU, FUTURE YOU 
CCG: AND ABOVE ALL, UGLY SCARFNECKED DOUCHEBAG HIPSTER YOU 
CCG: WAIT I FORGOT, ALL OF THE YOUS ARE THAT YOU 
CCG: IF I WASN’T SO TERRIFIED, I’D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I’M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE. 
PCA: wwhoa kar 
PCA: this is nothin if not flatterin but dont you think youre comin on a little strong 
CCG: OH GOD 
CCG: I AM NOT HITTING ON YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HONEST TO GOD PLATONIC ENMITY 
CCG: LIKE IN THE “I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE” KIND OF WAY. 
CCG: I AM NOT INITIATING AN ELABORATE CALIGINOUS WALTZ WITH YOU YOU DESPERATE SHIT. 

Like I just said, Eridan is such an idiot. I’ve mentioned lots times now that the trolls are all kind of stupid but Eridan may just top them all in stupidity.

PCA: just send past you ovver man wwell hang out 
PCA: its not like im doin anythin right noww 
CCG: LIKE FUCK YOU AREN’T 
PCA: wwhats that mean 
CCG: YOU’RE KILLING ANGELS NOW, AREN’T YOU 
PCA: no 
CCG: YOU ARE KILLING FUCKING ANGELS, RIGHT NOW, IN THE PAST, WITH YOUR SHITTY GUN. I JUST KNOW IT. 
PCA: wwell uh 
PCA: therere just so damn many kar and theyre not gettin any less bloody pissed is the thing 
CCG: THIS IS WHY IT WOULD NEVER WORK BETWEEN US, MAN. 
CCG: BECAUSE YOU ARE A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT. 
CCG: NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER. 
CCG: I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER. 
PCA: kar im gettin some seriously mixed signals here 

At this point I had originally written a long bullet list about the mental disorders each troll represents (or doesn’t represent). I decided to remove that list when moving this blog to WordPress because I had no idea what I was talking about then and the list was probably patronizing in a lot of ways.

In lieu of a ridiculous bullet list, I’ll say here that the Alternian trolls have a pattern of representing mental disorders or related, less severe conditions. Karkat, Nepeta, and Tavros are all good examples of this pattern; I’d say they all represent their conditions quite well without relying on cheap stereotypes, which is something I very much appreciate when media does. Eridan is on a whole different level with all the ways he’s messed up in the head, which I’ve been going through bit-by-bit in this memo; same goes for quite a few other trolls, you know which ones.

I’ll talk more about this topic when I make my rewritten posts about the trolls’ arc.

CCG: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM 
PCA: wwhat to wwho 
CCG: TO 
CCG: FUCK 
CCG: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER. 
PCA: wwho man wwhat are you talkin about 
CCG: AND ALSO… 
PCA: wwhat youre not makin sense 
CCG: I CAN’T 
CCG: I CAN’T EVEN TYPE HER NAME 
CCG: SHE WAS MY FRIEND 
CCG: SHE WAS MY REALLY *GOOD* FRIEND AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL TO DO NOW THAT SHE’S GONE. 
CCG: I’M SO UPSET, I’M JUST COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. 

Oh my fucking god, Karkat explicitly stated earlier that Eridan killed some people! OK I’m a bit hard here; Karkat’s also at fault, since he just can’t spit out the horrifying things that happened. When he did let loose the name of one of the murder victims, it was too vague for anyone to get it.

FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 0:42:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo. 
FTC: honk. 
CCG: OH GOD 
FTC: HEY BEST MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND. 
FTC: what all seems to be the motherfuckin problem? :o) 
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD 
CCG: DON’T YOU SEE EVERYONE? 
CCG: THIS CRAZY FUCKER HAS COMPLETELY CRACKED, I TOLD YOU. 
FTC: THAT’S KICKIN THE WICKED MOTHERFUCKIN MISINFORMATION, MY BROTHER. 
FTC: i’m as chill as all what’s can be. 
FTC: NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, JUST MOTHERFUCKIN GONNA SIT AND ZONE THE MOTHERFUCK OUT WITH A PAN RUSTING PIE LIKE AS MY USUAL MOTHERFUCKIN SELF DOES. 

Here, future Gamzee is coming in and pretending to be his usual self to further convince the trolls Karkat is full of shit. They should find it a little ominous that he’s typing differently from usual. Unfortunately, as I just covered, the trolls are incredibly stupid.

A thought that occurred to me while reading this memo: Some of the less stupid trolls might take a bit of stock in what Karkat said. Especially Kanaya, she’s largely non-stupid. But she chose not to participate in the memo nonsense; given that this memo is legitimately meant to warn the trolls and that she’d probably know better than to think Karkat is making shit up, this is a downside to her not participating in memos.

FTC: i’m in your future, best friend. 
FTC: I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE. 
FTC: and what you’ll motherfuckin do. 
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO 
FTC: AND ALSO. 
FTC: and also. 
FTC: GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT. 
CCG: ….. 
CCG: NO I DON’T WANT TO 
FTC: i’m all about to be meeting up some friends. :o) 
FTC: GOING TO GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM REAL SOON. 
FTC: i wonder if you can all be at with me in time and make me get my reconsider on? 
FTC: MAYBE SPLIT AN ELIXIR LIKE A COUPLE OF CHOICE BROS. 
FTC: just like we are… :o) 
FTC: ME AND HIM. Do: 
FTC: hoooooooooooooooooonk. ;oD 
CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK 
CCG: I HAVE TO GO 

Parts of this passage don’t sound like regular Gamzee at all! Like I said, it’s a shame the trolls are so dumb.

The funny thing about me saying the trolls are stupid is that it probably makes me sound like an anti-fan who complains about dumb things about the comic. Even though I probably have sounded a bit moan-y in some posts before, I’m worried that I might have too bitter of a tone when I get to the recent content. But we’ll see what happens when we get to it. For all I know, maybe the final updates will cause me to be a lot less put off by the retcon stuff!

Adios, sweet Toreadoormat.

Up next is one of the most dark humor-loaded scenes in all of Homestuck: Terezi investigating Tavros’s murder. I’ll comment on the scene as I go along.

The scene is a gruesome spectacle to your nose, otherwise known as a nostacle. Under other circumstances, the aroma could be delightful. A rich chocolatey bouquet, sent from the heavens. 

But at the scene of this fresh murder, the smell is highly unpalatable. Stomach turning, even. It smells like all the worst things you would expect it to, and more. 

This really is pretty funny despite the gruesome murder stuff. Funny enough that I myself laughed at the prospect of a dead body falling to the ground being like a batch of delicious-smelling heavenly chocolate. As I said last post, Hussie has quite a fondness for dark humor. I normally find sadness in scenes to outweigh the humorous bits thrown in, but here, the sadness of Terezi seeing a friend dead is dwarfed by the fucked-up humor.

Also, this portion suggests that in Terezi’s smell-vision, the smell of colors depends not only on the color but what kind of mood this is. In this case, I guess brown is stinky rather than chocolatey.

Terezi considers suspects and sniffs for clues and I have to say, this whole scene is a lot funnier than I remember it being.

I somehow forgot about this whole thing of Terezi sniffing around and finding hints of the three trolls who are currently most dangerous.

It’s weird seeing Tavros’s corpse re-rendered in sprite mode.

Next, Terezi does her scalemate roleplay stuff. Immediately following her introduction, we got a pointless 20-page sequence of her playing with dragon plushes. This current scene seems somewhat like reminding us how her obsession with scalemates is still a thing, or I guess to reuse stuff that happened previously for the sake of a scene that’s both messed up and hilarious.

At one point in this scene is another retcon password page option. I guess I’m pointing out this thing because I can; if I remember right, John steals a scalemate from Terezi’s prior roleplay scene and puts it in this scene. I’ll say more about this whole stuff when I get to the retcon section, obviously.

Additionally, Terezi is only pretending there’s any chance it isn’t Vriska because otherwise it wouldn’t be any fun. Needless to say, this shows us how Terezi likes being facetiously weird like that.

For some reason this whole investigation scene has made me like Terezi more.

Terezi struggles to kiss Tavros’s body and here’s a probable visual callback I hadn’t recognized. At one point Roxy tries to kiss Jane’s body but hesitates out of disgust and the scene pretty much looks the same as this. And additionally—and this is almost certainly a coincidence—the people who tried to corpsesmooch a body are John’s two biggest potential romantic interests.

Karkat kisses Kanaya’s body while Terezi kisses Tavros’s, leading to a x2 corpsesmooch combo. What I really like about this scene is that the two corpsesmooches are shown together, the first truly sad and the second darkly hilarious (because of the faces) when they’re both doing the same thing.

Bit of trivia worth noting: The page in which those two corpsesmooches are shown features the four trolls who talked to the kids in Acts 3 and 4 before we knew their names.

Turns out Kanaya’s and Tavros’s dream selves are both dead. Their dream self deaths both match their own deaths: Kanaya has an eyes-closed funeral-like death, while Tavros has an undignified slice-in-half death.

Next is one of the weirdest scenes in the whole comic. Rufio, who is apparently now a character, got killed and Hussie mourns his death. I’m not totally sure what to say about this scene, but I can’t just gloss over such an infamous scene.

THIS

IS

S
T
U
P
I
D

Let’s talk about big lipped alligator moments. Those are moments in works of fiction that are over-the-top weird and never talked about again; this scene most certainly is one. But because analyzing stuff is fun, I can’t help but dig into the purpose of Hussie making out with Rufio’s body.

The scene is largely a shout-out to the movie Hook. The whole imaginary friend Rufio is based on the movie, which I think is a spin-off of Peter Pan which Tavros is himself somewhat based on. So this is probably both meant as a shout-out and as an over-the-top bizarre scene.

The narration decides to show us what John is up to. Fitting because we haven’t heard much from him in quite a while.

Skaian clouds can transition us from anything to anything. Even Hussie’s bizarre self-insert fuckery scenes.

John’s narration says that he’s been staring at this cloud in awe for minutes or hours; he has lost track of time. I like to think this is what he’s been doing the whole time while we followed other characters.

Mr. Egbert clearly expected his son to turn into a fatherly businessman when he’s older.

John snaps out of staring at the cloud, finding his dad’s wallet with a fatherly note inside. For the following several hundred pages he uses his dad’s wallet modus. Unlike other modi, this one is exceptionally convenient and easy to use. I wonder if being god tier ties in with being able to use fetch modi that aren’t stupid? He examines the contents and the first thing is:

Hussie actually did the math and calculated how much Barbasol shaving cream would weigh a ton.

A solid ton of shaving cream. This once again reminds me of the thing about Dad: his whole character is nothing but archetypical fatherly man stuff.

Next WV? tries to drink some of the shaving cream.

You gulp down decadent foamy dollops of the BEARD BUSTER, and quickly respond with the BLUH callback as depicted jostling in the lower right hand corner of the image, because it is not nearly as tasty as you’d hoped. 

But then you keep eating it anyway.

Here’s the comic directly referencing its frequent visual callbacks. As I’ve said, lampshading things is sort of a thing the comic does, and has always done.

John examines all that’s in the wallet, shown above. This feels like such a throwback to the early days of the comic where we examined Dad’s fatherly interests.

He also kept a series of portraits of some of his favorite comedians. Some are understandable. Harry Anderson goes without saying. Bill Cosby? LIVING FATHERLY LEGEND. But his interest in Mr. Foxworthy always struck you as a little lame. Those redneck jokes were so corny and stupid. You secretly suspected your father was mostly arrested by the man’s mustache. Maybe he fantasized about shaving the man’s egregious furry lip? This seems like a reasonable theory to you. 

John’s dad probably saw Bill Cosby as one of the most fatherly people alive. Given that he himself likes nothing but dad things, it’s no wonder he’s a Cosby fan. And as I type this, I am aware of the present controversy surrounding Bill Cosby (which I find a lot more fascinating than I probably should); I’m just choosing not to talk about it much because it’s kind of a current issue yet to be resolved.

In any case, it’s heartwarming seeing that John and his dad have some favorite celebrities in common.

WE HAVE.
LIFDOFF

(also, note the cloun.)*

* Explanation of joke: (highlight text between brackets) [In the SBaHJ comic this is referencing, one cloud is labeled “cloun”. The cloud on the top of this picture has a clown in it.]

After finding the Crosbytop as a way to talk to his friends, John joins WV? for a car ride through the sky. I should note that piloting the car through the sky is the first thing he does with his god tier powers.

Up next is yet another long pesterlog, so I’ll stop here, at about 50 pages. See you next time as we go through a mix of lighthearted chatting and nightmare murder, as the comic is wont to do.

>> Part 45: Everything I Know Is Turning Magic

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