Act 5 Act 2, Part 18 of 32
Pages 3415-3437 (MSPA: 5315-5337)
Picking up from where we left off, John went on a car ride with WV?* and is now talking to Jade in another long pesterlog.
* The question mark notation for the exiles before they became exiles always confused me in my first read. I think I interpreted the question marks a little too literally; I kind of thought it was supposed to indicate stuff on the order of, “is this guy WV or is it not?”
EB: hey jade, are you there? i have a computer now.
EB: this boring guy keeps blinking at me though, and it’s weird.
GG: john!!! 😀
GG: wow, finally!
EB: sorry i disappeared after you entered the game…
EB: but from what i have seen in the clouds, it doesn’t look like you have had much trouble making progress!
GG: dave was able to set up as my server player
GG: he is building up my house right now so that we can deploy some equipment up there
EB: oh, nice!
So, is this conversation taking place before Jade started her frog breeding stuff? Or after it or during it or what?
EB: dave is serving ALL the ladies, isn’t he?
EB: he is like a dude on butler island.
EB: i mean, a dude who happens to be one of the butlers…
EB: doing a lot of serving, to various ladies who are vacationing at this snooty resort.
EB: wait, i am fucking this up.
GG: thats ok, i wont tell him about it
This bit is kind of like the kids’ friendships in action: using each others’ jokes and senses of humor with a bit of clumsiness. John here is doing another one of those really awkward attempts at Dave-style metaphors.
GG: a bunch of trolls are not nearly as bad as i thought
GG: even karkat! he has been helping me too… sort of, hehe
EB: he has? but i thought he “hated” you!
GG: oh yeah, he said plenty of stuff like that, but i dont think he ever actually meant it
GG: flying off the handle is part is of his charm in a funny way, once you know that about him
EB: yes, this is what i have concluded about him as well.
EB: he is a pretty great guy. i am really looking forward to more of his outbursts, especially his first conversation with me, which i am to understand will be legendary.
EB: but we shouldn’t tell him we said any of this, or he will be “furious”!
It’s nice to see John and Jade bonding over chatting with a troll who they think is weirdly endearing despite and because of his angry fits. They also seem to think his anger oftentimes isn’t real, a way to vent out bitterness or something. Sometimes Karkat seems to be legitimately mad about stuff, and I guess it’s a bit indeterminate how much of his anger is real vs. projected. Just like with Vriska and her tendencies to be deranged as I talked about last post.
EB: you will never guess what i am doing right now.
EB: go ahead, try to guess, you will not succeed.
GG: whoa :O
GG: john where did you get that nice flying car??????
EB: oh god dammit!
EB: how do you know!
EB: do you have rose’s crystal ball?
GG: sort of!
GG: she gave me the code, and i made a cool pair of goggles with it
EB: argh, i am surrounded by real life witches!
EB: everyone i know is turning magic, it’s ridiculous.
EB: including me! i’m magic now.
Ah, the whole thing of characters suddenly knowing everything. Let’s recap this stuff: early in Act 5 Act 2, John talked to Rose and she turns out to know pretty much everything. John noted multiple times how crazy it is that she knows so much stuff but she tells him it’s not all that special. Dave followed suit, also starting to know everything after traveling through time and filling all sorts of time loops. Jade and John are last to join the club of people who know a lot of stuff, and even then, they’re somewhat more human about their extensive knowledge. I guess this has to do with how I had previously talked about each of the main characters’ ways of getting through the game.
EB: i have seen lots of interesting things in the clouds…
EB: i guess you used to see things like that all the time, right?
GG: what have you seen?
EB: wow, uh…
EB: well, lots of things that were mysterious and didn’t make much sense…
EB: but also lots of things i recognized.
EB: like stuff i have done before. and also stuff i will do in the future.
EB: and things that rose and dave have been up to…
EB: and you too!
As was hinted at a few hundred pages ago when Jade viewed John with her spectagoggles, Skaian clouds are John’s way of knowing everything. As I’ve mentioned in I think it was Act 4 posts, John takes over Jade’s role as the one who follows Skaia’s clouds.
EB: well, i saw you once in a neat outfit…
EB: it was kind of like you were torn from the pages of my favorite japanese mangas.
EB: and the snow was melting.
EB: and you were surrounded by frogs for some reason!
EB: heh, now it sounds like i am describing a weird dream i had about you.
Apparently John likes some Japanese mangas, though this is one of very few times John’s supposed interest in Japanese stuff is ever brought up. Let’s talk about character interests.
All Homestuck characters have some specific set of interests that’s usually talked about on their respective introduction pages. But occasionally, interests will be brought up at different times. A notable example of this, far more so than the passing mention of John’s favorite mangas, is Nepeta’s interest in shipping. As I said back in the trolls’ arc, fans remember Nepeta for her interest in shipping, but that interest did not exist until a fair bit after her introduction, when she updated her shipping wall as a fandom-jab response to the Great Robosmooch of 2010, making this interest (probably) an ascended throwaway gag.
This is the beauty of works with fanbases; often, a little fan theory, meme, background character, or even a glitch will find its way to being a major part of the story. Just go to TV Tropes and look up a trope that starts with “ascended”, like ascended fanon, ascended extra, ascended meme, and so on; you’ll find lots of examples like this.
2021 EDIT: Holy shit, when I said “background character”, I was SO obviously talking about MLP:FiM, and yet at that time I was still in this weird tsundere denial about liking the show, which is fucking hilarious in retrospect.
OK I got way off track here. Point is, sometimes character interests are weird like that.
GG: dave had mentioned you reached the god tier
GG: but he did not say what it involved D:
GG: he probably didnt want to make me worried
EB: maybe, or he was just being some sort of aloof coolkid.
GG: or that!
GG: but he also said that no one else would do it but you…
GG: actually, now it makes sense that i wouldnt be able to, since my dream self is dead
GG: its too bad really
GG: i wonder what space powers would be like??
EB: hmm, i have no idea!
GG: oh well
EB: maybe you shouldn’t rule it out though?
EB: i mean, you did mention your dream self isn’t COMPLETELY dead, remember?
GG: youre right…
GG: i suddenly dont know if i want to become a god tier anymore 😦
EB: she was that bad, huh?
GG: i dont even want to talk about her! she is sad and cowardly.
EB: ok, i will not pry.
It would be pretty interesting if god tier Jade was indeed like Jadesprite. Though real and dream self rules, and dream logic in general, have always been a bit fuzzy (though some argue such a claim is cheap handwaving for unclear stuff), Jade’s later god tiering suggests that your god tier self is kind of a fusion between your real and dream self? That would make sense given the whole ultimate self business. But then there’s the issue of whether going god tier or getting corpsesmooched leaves your real self behind as a ghost and what THAT means for going god tier if true. Who even knows at this point.
GG: why dont you tell me about your new friend?
GG: he sure seems to be enjoying that horn!
EB: i know, right?
EB: /rolls eyes
EB: he is just this silly guy i met when i woke up here.
EB: he seemed to be curious about me and followed me around for a while.
EB: also, i noticed he was wearing my bedsheet.
GG: haha! what is he doing with that!
EB: i don’t know, there seems to be this whole cult full of people who worship my ghost sheets.
EB: i ran into a bunch of them in a salamander village, they are all completely ridiculous.
EB: so i guess he is a member of the cult?
GG: you are just going to have to deal with the fact that you are becoming a famous hero john, and people everywhere will idolize you
EB: derp! they aren’t idolizing ME, it’s my dumb bedsheets they love!
EB: it’s so stupid.
This is another interesting bit. John once again refuses to believe he’s an idolized hero. In his mind he is, and always has been, a regular teenager who happens to be in a magic world. OK, putting it that way makes this sound like Alice in Wonderland, but that’s not the point. What matters is, this is one of several things I like about John: he really truly feels human, by which I mean he really feels like a regular person. The other main characters certainly don’t have as much of a human feel as John, most especially Jade who is sort of like a kid from a science fiction story who is well-accustomed to the world she lives in. In this case, John and Jade, despite the traits they have in common, somewhat serve as foils for each other, having lived the most realistic and unrealistic lives respectively.
Additional note: When talking about the salamander village with bedsheet worshippers, John is referencing a hard-to-find part of the walkaround game shortly preceding his ascension to god tier. It’s pretty interesting seeing easter eggs being directly referenced in the comic later on, and this isn’t the only such example. If you’re not sure of such an example, just think of trickster mode.
EB: also, another thing about him…
EB: he has the queen’s ring!
GG: thats great! john you have to get that ring from him!
Why exactly does Jade think John needs to have the queen’s ring? If I remember right, Jade learned through Skaian clouds that she has to keep her hands on the queen’s ring so I guess that’s why?
EB: i’ve tried! i asked him politely for it and everything.
EB: but he is very protective of it!
GG: that is a problem!
EB: actually, i think it’s ok.
EB: i think he is supposed to keep it.
GG: you do?
EB: yes. once i saw something in the clouds.
EB: it was hard to tell what was going on, but i saw him!
John remarks it was hard to tell what was going on in the cloud vision. Is this a self-deprecating jab at how it’s often pretty hard to tell what’s going on in those dramatic flash animations?
EB: im pretty sure it was the future, and he had the ring, and…
GG: and what?
EB: and then the cloud stopped showing me.
EB: but i am pretty sure that some day…
EB: he will have to wear it!
EB: so i think i will just let him keep it.
EB: for some reason, i trust him.
GG: ok john…..
GG: i trust you
GG: so i will trust in your trust in him
EB: yeah, trust all around!
GG: im going to be a supportive piece of shit all day and fall down all this trust!
EB: how trustworthy do you even have to BE to CONFIDE in someone like that.
John and Jade here are exchanging Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff references. This is a bit of a late time to discuss this but I’ll talk about it anyway: it’s interesting how SBaHJ, the comic’s source of memes for the kids to reference and joke about as teenagers like to do, is itself made by a member of the group of friends. This has several implications about the kids’ friendships. First off, Dave, himself a member of the group of friends, is the one who came up with this huge fountain of memes. Given his obvious talent in humor, it’s no wonder what sort of guy he grew up to be in the scratched universe. But on the other hand, the kids referencing Dave’s memes rather than regular Internet memes may be interpreted as a testament to how it’s implied the four kids don’t really have friends outside of their small group. Then again, Hussie mostly just used SBaHJ as a source of memes to reference that are more original than using the existing overused memes that many people are no doubt tired of seeing everywhere, and which will no doubt seem like very dated memes after a few years. Occasionally real-life memes are referenced, and in that case, it’s typically pointed out how annoyingly overused those memes are (e.g. the references to the over 9000 joke).
EB: anyway, i guess that’s enough of that nonsense.
EB: i should keep looking for my dad!
EB: maybe if i fly around in this car with this guy beeping here, the noise will get his attention and he will find me.
From the start of the game, John is convinced that part of his goal is to save his father. Although that’s not actually the case, it’s only human of him to think that. Unlike with other misconceptions about the game (like the idea that he has to save Earth from destruction), Nannasprite probably couldn’t have led him away from that one because she too cares about her son.
GG: john, i already found your dad!
EB: you did?
GG: yes i found him with my goggles almost right away!
GG: but i didnt want to interrupt you
EB: oh! well that sure is convenient!
EB: where is he?
GG: he is with roses mom
GG: they are in a castle, having some sort of tea party together
GG: they appear to be enjoying each others company!
GG: its quite adorable actually
Something else that’s quite adorable: if you match up John’s dad being in a relationship with Rose’s mom with John obviously having romantic interest in Roxy, this means that John and his father have the same romantic tastes.
EB: oh wow…
EB: jade, what if they get married or something???
EB: oh god, if rose became my sister too, that would wreak HAVOC on karkat’s shipping diagram!
EB: as leader of this team i submit that we cannot afford to let this happen!!!!!!!!!!
EB: everyone man your battle stations!!!
GG: RED ALERT!!!!!!
EB: we have a ship to sink! arm torpedoes!!!!!!
EB: KA-PCHOOOOOOOOOOOOO. target destroyed. B)
EB: heheh, i am just joking around, of course.
GG: durrrr oh really john :p
GG: but really, they make a nice couple and i think it would be great if they got married!
EB: yes, i agree.
EB: even if it would make it awkward for me to marry rose.
This bit once again reminds me of John’s potential (in a few days this word will probably no longer need to be there) relationship with Roxy, and how, as has been brought up twice now, if they were to get together all sorts of familial weirdness would arise, not the least of which is the thing of him dating Dave’s mom. Not only that, he would be dating someone who almost was going to be his stepmother in another universe. I think John would probably deal with the weirdness by not thinking about it too hard.
GG: i guess so
GG: i dunno
GG: who are they to stand between two youngsters in love?
EB: whoa, in love???
GG: yes john, two people must be in love in order to get married
GG: it is one of the rules!
EB: oh jeez, yeah i guess you’re right.
GG: so what do you say john, are you in love with rose?
GG: and if not, are you prepared to fall in love with her?
GG: wellllll? 😀
EB: this line of questioning is making me flustered.
This exchange really is heavily teasing John and Rose as a pairing, as are several other sections. But that tease ultimately goes nowhere and John and Rose now each have their own love interests. I’m not totally sure what’s up with that; maybe it’s just poking a little fun at shippers.
2019 EDIT: HOLY FUCK WHAT AM I EVEN READING HERE. PAST ME WAS DOING SO WELL AND THEN I HAD TO RUIN IT WITH *THIS* DRIVEL.
… Sorry for the outburst. I’ll let past me take the reins again.
EB: all i know is, i was ordered by karkat to marry rose.
EB: i think we can both agree that it would be reckless to look at a crappy shipping diagram made by an alien, and ignore its message altogether.
GG: i didnt even know karkat made a shipping diagram…
EB: it’s a thing of beauty, and it will save the human race.
GG: i will have to make him show me
EVERYONE ABANDON SHIP THERE IS ANOTHER CONTINUITY ERROR. Dave mentioned Karkat’s shipping grid when talking to Jade, and that was before Jadesprite was created and thus before this conversation. Maybe Jade forgot that Dave told her about that diagram?
EB: btw, you will marry dave.
EB: 100% TRUE REALITY.
EB: it’s ok though, i will not press you on your feelings for him.
EB: i already know you are totally into the strider anyway.
EB: it’s all in the diagram, jade.
EB: it’s all in the diagram.
Unlike John/Rose, Dave/Jade isn’t entirely out of the question right now. Even if you consider the pairing I always moan about—at this point I’m sure you know which one, it’s the one people always argue about—Jade has said some questionable things about Dave in recent updates and I refuse to believe that’ll just go nowhere.
Next Karkat messages John.
EB: what’s up?
CG: I’M NOT SURE WHY I’M TELLING YOU THIS.
CG: I GUESS IT’S JUST OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION AT THIS POINT.
Karkat feels obligated now to keep in touch with the human kids. It seems like he feels that the kids are now too friends he needs to worry about.
CG: WE’VE COME THIS FAR
CG: SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULD KNOW.
EB: know what?
CG: I MIGHT NOT MAKE IT OUT OF THIS ALIVE
CG: THIS MIGHT EVEN BE THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.
CG: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING, THE LAST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME WILL BE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR FROM ME.
CG: I MEAN THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME FROM MY PERSPECTIVE.
CG: BECAUSE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I COULD BE DEAD SOON.
EB: oh no!
EB: are you in some sort of trouble?
EB: is it jack?
EB: what’s going on?
CG: OH GOD THE HONKING
CG: WHY WON’T THE HONKING STOP
CG: I HAVE TO GO
Karkat is telling John he might be dead soon, and he isn’t even someone he knows in person! This is demonstrating how close the humans and trolls have become.
CG: SORRY FOR BEING SUCH A DOUCHE TO YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS.
CG: I HOPE YOU CAN SUCCEED AS A LEADER WHERE I FAILED MISERABLY.
Man those are some poignant final words. Now that I think of it, maybe his whole self-hate thing he’s always talked about having boils mostly down to his tendency to blame things on himself.
John messages Karkat back but for whatever reason this is what he’s greeted with:
EB: hey buddy, you were making me worried there…
EB: are you ok?
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWEET GLOBE TICKLING FUCK.
CG: EGBERT, I JUST GOT DONE ERUPTING A WHOLE VOLCANO OF MERCILESS FUCK YOU ON THE PRIMITIVE VILLAGE LOCATED SQUARELY ON YOUR CROTCH.
CG: ASSUMING THAT’S A SUITABLY TERRIBLE PART OF HUMAN ANATOMY FOR A VILLAGE IN JEOPARDY TO EXIST.
CG: SHUT UP. HOW DARE YOU CONTACT ME WHILE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY BACKWARDS MARCH OF HATE THROUGH YOUR TEDIOUS TIMELINE.
This is one hell of a mood whiplash; we’re suddenly back to Karkat’s past self spewing out angry rants. I like to think of those rants as his way of spewing out all his frustration. But John late in the timeline sees those rants as harmless and funny. Though this annoys Karkat at first, through time travel nonsense he eventually comes to see the kids as friends to worry about, but still goes into his usual angry fits pretty often due to being a guy who’s really easily set off.
EB: oh god, this is not right!
EB: you aren’t supposed to hate me anymore, you’re supposed to be kinda my friend, sorta!
EB: when is this?
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN IS THIS
CG: OK, LET ME JUST CHECK THE UNIVERSAL CLOCK WHICH KEEPS CONSISTENT TIME FOR ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE AND ALL PLANES OF REALITY.
CG: IT’S HALF PAST YOU’RE A MORON.
EB: ok, duh! i know that.
John is taking Karkat’s insults super lightly. Come to think of it this may partly be to poke fun at him.
CG: I GUESS MY FUTURE CONVERSATIONS WILL INSTIGATE SOME MISGUIDED NEED FOR YOU TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME LATER ON.
CG: WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO HERE.
CG: I SWEAR, IT NEVER ENDS WITH THE ULTIMATE RIDDLE SHIT. EVEN AFTER THE GAME IS OVER.
CG: EVEN AFTER YOU LOSE IT! HOW UNFAIR IS THAT.
Here Karkat is going back to his moaning about paradox space being a massive tool with no concern for his and others’ motives. He’s talked about that topic lots of times, and of all the characters he seems the most annoyed about, well, the whole story he’s gotten sucked into. I bet the kids will defeat paradox space itself or something like that before the comic ends but I’m not sure how that’ll be handed in an ever-dwindling stretch of largely uneventful updates. Hopefully the remaining ones really will be mind-blowing.
CG: I CAN TELL THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE A UTTER FUCKING JOY TO PARTICIPATE IN.
CG: I HONESTLY ENVY ANYONE IN THE POSITION OF NOT HAVING TO PUT UP WITH READING IT.
CG: BUT YOU ASKED FOR IT, JOHN, SO HERE WE GO.
CG: ARE YOU READY
EB: no, i just want to talk to future you. 😦
CG: NO YOU DON’T
CG: TAKE IT FROM ME
CG: THE GUY IS A BASTARD.
This is where the conversation cuts off. It’s unclear if John gets more exposition offscreen of just ends the chat here. In any case, Karkat here is saying his future self is really awful which is the kind of equivocal “past/future me is the one to blame” shit he always likes to do.
Also, oftentimes when John wants to be trolled he isn’t trolled, but when he doesn’t want to be trolled he is trolled. This is the case both for this conversation and their infamous first conversation.
Future Karkat drags unconscious Sollux out of the lab and…
There it is again: throwing silly jokes and SBaHJ references in nightmare scenes.
Karkat then gets a message from Terezi.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GC: K4RK4T, 1 H4V3 GR4V3 4ND S3R1OUS N3WS TO R3PORT
GC: 1 H4V3 D1SCOV3R3D TH3 SC3N3 OF 4 R34L L1F3 MURD3R!
GC: T4VROS W4S TH3 V1CT1M >:[
GC: 1M V3RY UPS3T, BUT 1 4M TRY1NG TO ST4Y PROF3SS1ON4L 4BOUT 1T
GC: TH1S CR1M3 1S NOT GO1NG TO SOLV3 1TS3LF >:]
GC: 1 H4V3 CONDUCT3D MY PR3ML1M1N4RY FOR3NS1C 4N4LYS1S OF TH3 SC3N3, BUT MY F1ND1NGS H4V3 B33N MOSTLY 1NCONCLUS1V3
GC: (1 4M ONLY PR3T3ND1NG TO TH1NK TH3R3 1S 4NY CH4NC3 1T W4S NOT VR1SK4, B3C4US3 OTH3RW1S3 1T WOULD B3 NO FUN)
GC: 4NYW4Y, 1 JUST W4NT3D TO W4RN YOU TH3R3 1S 4 BLOODTH1RSTY MURD3R3R ON TH3 LOOS3, 4ND YOU SHOULD B3 C4R3FUL OUT TH3R3!
GC: NOW 1 MUST 4TT3MPT TO R3V1V3 TH3 V1CT1M…
GC: K4RK4T YOU C4NNOT 3V3N 1M4G1N3 WH4T TH1S SM3LLS L1K3 >XO
GC: BUT 1 PR1D3 MYS3LF ON B31NG 4 TRU3 PROF3SS1ON4L, 4S W3LL 4S 4N 3XC3LL3NT FR13ND
GC: 1 W1LL B3 4W4Y FROM MY GL4SS3S FOR JUST 4 MOM3NT
GC: SO 1F YOU G3T TH1S M3SS4G3 PL34S3 B3 P4T13NT >:]
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: TEREZI? ARE YOU THERE???
CG: OH FUCK, TAVROS IS DEAD TOO?
CG: TEREZI LISTEN TO ME YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE.
CG: VRISKA IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS.
CG: FORENSIC ANALYSIS? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?
CG: PUT YOUR FUCKING GLASSES BACK ON. GOD DAMN IT.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: AAAAUUUUUUGH OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK OHFUCK
carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked gallowsCalibrator [GC]
God, what a living nightmare this whole thing is for Karkat. It takes only a single lowercase “honk” to scare the living shit out of him. Not only does he have to witness his friends all dying, now he casually hears of more murders shortly followed by what he can only assume is even more murder (Gamzee responding in Terezi’s place). He had kept his whole entire team in check for a good few weeks but now they’re suddenly killing each other—what’s up with that? Why is everyone going psycho now of all times? It’s not like there wasn’t a hell of a lot of stuff going on in the trolls’ session. Let’s do a forensic (not really forensic) analysis of the murder stuff itself!
Vriska’s story of becoming among the killer trolls is as follows: she found a group of aliens and decided to involve herself in their machinations as much as possible, including the creation of the villain she hopes to defeat. She told Tavros about it, he decided to try and stop her, but when Tavros ran up to her with intent to kill, she killed him in a fit of self-defense. I guess that’s one of three down.
Eridan killing trolls stemmed largely from the human kids, but also partly from Jack. He talked to Rose and tried to compete against her in dark magic, and Kanaya made him a wand so he would shut up. But then, when he challenged Sollux to a second duel in response to the others disapproving of his idea to join Jack, he won the duel thanks to the wand and proceeded to use it kill both Feferi and Kanaya when they tried to attack him, once again in fits of self-defense.
Gamzee turning evil seems to have lied partly in watching the ICP video Dave sent him, but mainly due to running out of slime to eat. So I guess his turning evil is not mostly involved with discovering the humans.
Now that I did an analysis, I can conclude that the trolls discovering the humans indirectly caused all this murder stuff, which I never really realized before. I guess the heaps of murder news exchanged amongst the trolls caused me to think about it and realize all this.
Karkat finds that Sollux’s teeth fell out when they fell down the stairs and puts them back in, which is yet more slapstick amidst murder. As I said in the picture caption, it kind of reminds me of Weekend at Bernie’s which turns death into a laughing matter; though Sollux is actually just unconscious it’s the same idea. And yes, I have actually seen that movie (or most of it at least) during a livestream about a week ago of movies referenced in Homestuck.*
* The first 40 minutes of that livestream was pretty much everyone waiting for Bernie to die.
You were hoping it wouldn’t have to come to this. But you’re running out of options. You need backup.
Though it may not seem that way, Equius is one of only two options of people to help Karkat fight the murderers; the other is Nepeta. All the other non-murderer trolls are either to his knowledge dead or otherwise unavailable. Now that I think of it, Karkat could’ve contacted Nepeta. Everyone seems to forget she is a skilled hunter who kills animals with her bare hands; I wonder if the trolls themselves also forget that. And as a bonus, he considers her to be one of the sane trolls.
Anyway it’s time for another ridiculous Equius pesterlog.
CG: EQUIUS, ARE YOU THERE?
CT: D –> Yes
CG: OK, GOOD
CG: ARE YOU STILL REALLY STRONG?
CG: LIKE, IS THAT STILL YOUR THING?
CT: D –> I am still e%ceptionally STRONG
CT: D –> Strength continues to be my STRONGEST attribute
CG: OK GOOD.
CG: I GUESS THAT WAS A PRETTY DUMB QUESTION.
When Karkat is in a panic he asks dumb questions intended to make sure everything’s alright. His motive for asking Equius if he is still really strong seems to be because he knows everything has fallen apart and gone wrong in the worst ways imaginable and thus tries to make sure some things are still the way they usually are.
CG: I NEED YOUR HELP.
CT: D –> With what
CG: GAMZEE IS ON A RAMPAGE
CG: HE’S GOING TO KILL US ALL IF WE DON’T STOP HIM.
CT: D –> You mean
CT: D –> The highb100d
CG: YEAH, I GUESS
CT: D –> Oh dear
CT: D –> Are you saying the highb100d has finally embraced his position atop the hierarchy
CG: NO I’M SAYING HE FUCKING SNAPPED AND WANTS TO MURDER US ALL
CT: D –> Yes e%actly
CG: DAMMIT, WHY DOES THIS CONVERSATION HAVE TO BE SO PREDICTABLY TERRIBLE
Here Karkat is lampshading how every conversation with Equius inevitably deteriorates into blood caste bullshit that only he cares about. Hussie himself also remarked this when talking about Equius’s character right after he was killed, but I’ll discuss that later.
CG: ALL I’M ASKING YOU TO DO
CG: NO, ORDERING YOU TO DO
CG: IS GO FIND GAMZEE AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, OR POSSIBLY TWO HALVES OF A BROKEN BOW, BEFORE HE KILLS ANYONE ELSE.
“Anyone else” implies that Karkat thinks Gamzee already has killed someone, Terezi to be specific. Although she isn’t actually dead, Karkat has been led to believe as much, which is obviously really tragic.
Also, Karkat has a surprisingly easy time switching his mindset from thinking of someone as a dear friend to as a villain he must stop.
CG: I FORBID YOU FROM GETTING OFF ON ANY OF THIS
CG: DON’T GET OFF ON MY ORDERS, DON’T GET OFF ON PHRASES LIKE FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK, AND DON’T GET OFF ON ANY SORT OF WEIRD ADMIRATION YOU MIGHT BE HARBORING FOR A MURDEROUS CLOWN WITH PURPLE BLOOD
The phrase “don’t get off on phrases like fuck fuck fuckety fuck” makes just as much sense in context. Kind of like the Rufio scene I covered last post.
CT: D –> The b100d
CT: D –> It is just so
CT: D –> E%quisitely purple
CG: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
CT: D –> Yes
CT: D –> But 100k
CT: D –> The situation is very delicate I believe
CT: D –> The highb100d would benefit from a proper enculturation into the aristocracy
CG: I DON’T THINK HE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR ETIQUETTE LESSONS, OR HOW A TRUE GENTLEMAN IS TO GO ABOUT HANDLING A PROPER FUCKING HORSE TEAT
CG: SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER HERE.
At this point Gamzee already seems to finally have the hemospectrum internalized, when he talked about how he is higher than everyone and now must kill all of the trolls. Equius might think Gamzee’s treatment of the system isn’t quite right but really, in his mind, as long as it’s in some way erotic, which really isn’t hard for him, it’s fine.
CG: YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT, I DON’T GET IT
CG: YOU KISS THE GROUND THIS LUNATIC WALKS ON BECAUSE HE HAS PURPLE BLOOD
CG: BUT THAT DOESN’T STOP YOU FROM RIPPING ON ERIDAN, I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU DON’T LIKE HIM
CG: AND HIS BLOOD IS EVEN PURPLIER, ISN’T IT?
CT: D –> Yes
CT: D –> That’s different
CT: D –> He is a sea dweller
CT: D –> Our feud is codified in tradition
CT: D –> Neigh, we are obligated to be at odds
CT: D –> It’s dignified
This bit makes Equius feel a bit like a guy pulled out of the 1600s, going with archaic traditions that include rivalry between social classes.
CG: OK FINE, THEN SPEAKING OF WHICH
CG: HE’S ON A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE TOO
CT: D –> He is
CT: D –> How many of us are rampaging murderously, e%actly
CG: I DON’T KNOW, AT LEAST THREE PROBABLY, BUT WHO EVEN KNOWS AT THIS POINT
CG: THE POINT IS, IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU MIND SNAPPING HIS STUPID WAND IN HALF OR SOMETHING?
CG: AND THEN CHOKE HIM TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN SHITTY PRETENTIOUS SCARF.
CT: D –> Do I really have to
CG: GOD, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM NOW?
CT: D –> I’d prefer not to interact with him
CT: D –> It’s primarily that his advances make me uncomfortable
Holy balls, there’s something Equius doesn’t get off on! He gets off on both bossing people around and being bossed around, which more or less amounts to getting off on all interactions. But seriously, Eridan’s advances are so creepy that Equius apparently doesn’t find them erotic. Make of that what you will.
God damn all this talk about Equius getting off on stuff sounds crazy weird.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, IF YOU COULD CARRY OUT MY ORDERS IN THE LEAST PERVERSE WAY POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
CG: JUST KILL ONE OR MORE OF THOSE ASSHOLES AND GET BACK TO ME, OK?
CG: I NEED YOU TO COME THROUGH FOR ME, BECAUSE WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF MANPOWER HERE.
CT: D –> We are
CG: YES DIDN’T I MENTION? FEFERI, KANAYA AND TAVROS ARE DEAD, SOLLUX IS UNCONSCIOUS, AND TEREZI IS MISSING.
CG: OH GOD, I HOPE SHE’S OK, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO LOOK FOR HER
CT: D –> Oh shoot
CT: D –> E%cuse my vulgarity
CG: I’LL LET IT SLIDE.
CG: JUST DO WHAT I SAY, OK.
CT: D –> I will 100k into it
It’s sad really. Equius could kill pretty much anyone with his incredible strength, but his fetishes always come into play at the worst possible times. He’s kind of like the Incredible Hulk in reverse. Usually he’s crazy strong, but when he’s aroused by blood caste nonsense he is suddenly powerless, as demonstrated in his death scene which I’ll talk about next post.
Terezi returns to the computer lab and there’s all these green blood puddles around in suspicious places that heavily hint that Kanaya is up and about as a vampire. These hints, as far as I can tell, are deliberately super easy to catch onto. Though I’ve seen readers dismiss those hints as nonsense because it would be ridiculous for a vampire fangirl to turn out to be an actual vampire.
Has the killer really developed a taste for blood? She is completely out of control.
According to your expert analysis, she barged in here with a lance, her new weapon of choice. This startled everyone in the room so much, it triggered a dreadful grub sauce spill, and/or chainsaw accident, causing the missing victim to lose a large volume of blood, and/or grub sauce. Horrified by the sight, everyone fled the room, except for the present victim who was napping on the horn pile. The perpetrator in her deranged state of mind then sampled the spilt green blood/sauce from the floor. Her thirst piqued, she became tempted by the buffet of rich royal blood on the horn pile, dragged a trail of green from the puddle to the horns, and helped herself to the victim’s neck. The victim undoubtedly woke up midway through the gruesome feast, fought back, and got a lance through the chest for her trouble. The perp then fled into the lab, thirsty for more.
Yes, you are quite sure that…
That your theory doesn’t make a lick of sense!!! You wish you had your crack team of experts to advise you. If only you hadn’t kicked them all into the bottomless pit, along with probably your glasses, accidentally. Damn their insubordination!
OK I’ll say it. This whole Murderstuck arc is HILARIOUS. Incredibly dark and messed up, but still hilarious. It’s incredibly side-splitting to imagine a cackling Vriska kill people and suck their blood like a vampire while carrying a lance around.
I’m stopping here because up next is another walkaround game. See you next time as we go through a whole lot of crazy emotional shit, Vriska feelings jams and otherwise. I should note that this is the last post before Homestuck is officially finished, which is obviously weird to think about.