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Act 5 Act 2, Part 5 of 32
Pages 2793-2840 (MSPA: 4693-4740)
I am debating with myself whether it’s clichéd to start putting in “Where I…” between the title pictures of my posts and the first pictures. Because I want to have something between those pictures or it just looks awkward. Then again I have nothing between the title and following pictures in many of the posts where I retroactively added title pictures.
John connects to Jade and gets ready to do some important stuff until…
Nanna makes her classic pranking entrance and summons a bed to catch John and his stuff.
JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: really?
NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna.
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years.
It’s never really stated how the guardians know all that stuff; the deal with them is that they somehow know stuff about Sburb. Did she know this through being raised by the Condesce who also seemed to know stuff about Sburb?
NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all!
JOHN: huh, oh yeah.
JOHN: don’t you find it all a little strange?
NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me?
This might be my favorite Nannasprite line.
NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly.
JOHN: yeah!
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo…
JOHN: ectobiblio… shit!
JOHN: (oops! sorry.)
John here apologizes for swearing in front of Nanna. Some people seem to think that John only ever uses the so-called “minced oaths” (like gosh and darn), but here he lets out a profanity in front of his grandma.
NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you!
Is Nanna saying that she, too, had an echeladder as a kid?? I never realized that. If she’s saying what I think she is, I guess Homestuck’s game mechanics have existed in the comic’s world before video games even existed. That’s weird to imagine, young George Washington achieving the [insert goofy name here] rank and earning 2000 boondollars or whatever for doing whatever he did as a kid.
NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.
JOHN: ok. what is it?
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go.
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn’t endure those long spells without a good visit!
JOHN: oh cool, that is great!
Didn’t John talk to Nannasprite from afar in the Act 4 opening minigame? It’s never really explained how that was done.
Nanna prepares some food for John and…
So, are Chinese finger traps among the inventory of stuff Nanna can summon or what?
This transitions us to Rose with her laptop next to her, hassled by three trolls.
This is the first of several non-walkaround scenes that are shown in 8-bit mode.
It would’ve been cool if there was a little selection screen to pick which troll to answer first.
These chumps just won’t quit hounding you!
It’s like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses, and they’ve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine.
I automatically read the second sentence in Let’s Read Homestuck’s Dave voice. If I’m bored I’ll often just watch one of their videos, and I’ve gotten pretty used to all their voices.
And here’s the first appearance of this new painting-like art style. It didn’t really stick.
CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock
TT: ?
CA: magic is NOT REAL
CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely
CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse
TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I’m some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic?
TT: You can’t needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don’t care.
CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT
TT: Fine. You win.
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan.
Is this where Eridan got the idea for his science s(h)tick (I’m so proud of this pun)?
CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about?
CA: wwell arent you
TT: No. What gave you that idea?
CA: the wway you
CA: ok
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out.
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf
TT: …
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound
TT: You’re a complete idiot.
This is one of several times troll misconceptions cause the kids to think “what the fuck are you talking about”. Eridan here is falsely deducing a whole weird idea of what Rose’s life was like, which reminds me of John speculating about the trolls being time travelers sent to study humans a few posts ago. Also, I love Rose’s last line in that bit I quoted.
CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing
TT: What?
CA: this thing wwe got goin
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin
CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld
TT: And how was that?
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental
CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron
It’s amusing as shit the way this guy hits on people.
TT: Accidentally?
TT: Or on porpoise?
Eridan probably saw this fish pun, obviously meant as mockery, as advances to him or something.
CA: i just think theres a fate thing here
CA: i mean i dont mean to strike you as too forwwardsuch but are you seein wwhere im goin wwith this
TT: Oh, right. Alien romance, I forgot.
TT: Pass.
CA: look i understand you dont understand that kind of thing in your culture i get that
CA: but maybe i could teach you to get it
TT: That’s really sweet of you to offer.
We don’t actually see much of trolls teaching kids troll romance. The whole little part where John <3< Terezi is established as a potential thing is an example but I’m not sure there’s that much else. Oh, and Kanaya telling Rose stuff about troll romance in that date scene which I like to think is a parody of lesbian fanfictions.
CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that
TT: You want to learn magic?
CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch
TT: Sure. Let’s begin.
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.
caligulasAquarium’s [CA’S] computer exploded.
What’s better than remotely blowing up someone’s computer? It almost seems like the Thorns of Oglogoth, like sprite powers, have new powers as the plot demands: blasting dark magic to kill enemies, destroying and levitating buildings from afar, flying yourself around, and now blowing up computers in other incipispheres.
— apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] —
AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!
Aradia’s first line in her conversation with Rose has an exclamation point. When dead Aradia uses exclamation points, that’s how you know shit must be serious.
AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es
TT: Hi.
AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u
TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?
AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: breaking stuff
AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses
AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing
TT: ?
AA: what they say
TT: Who?
AA: y0u kn0w wh0
Here we have the fatalistic troll warning someone who’s being the exact opposite of fatalistic that what she’s doing won’t work. And the worst part here is, she’s actually right. Rose ends up being something of a pawn, her destructive actions being exactly what’s “supposed to happen”.
AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening
AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice
AA: it w0uld have been nice
Maybe Sollux could’ve served that role? He’s a pretty anti-fatalistic guy, with his intents to do good rather than to serve forces of destiny. But he probably accepted that his and Aradia’s inner voices are just a thing that exists, especially because low-blooded trolls tend to have psychic abilities like that.
TT: What did they tell you?
AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race
Aradia said in the trolls’ arc that she knew that creating Sburb would destroy the world and that she merely tricked Sollux into creating it by telling him otherwise. Did she used to think that their actions would save the race until her voices told her otherwise or what?
AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke
TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle?
I wonder if Rose knows at this point what the Ultimate Riddle is. Karkat explained it to John back in Act 4, and Rose may have figured it out from all the planet exploration/destruction quest stuff she’s been doing. We saw how much she already knew in that conversation with John a while back.
AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
TT: Well,
TT: Aren’t you doing that regardless? Right now?
AA: 0bvi0usly
AA: but im just talking
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe!!!
OK, the way Aradia acted in Alterniabound clearly wasn’t a one-off thing; she has indeed become pretty bitter after becoming a robot.
AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack
AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit
AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT
AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY
TT: O_O
AA: hahaha!
AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: this is great
AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
TT: You have circuitry?
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: that w0uld be just
AA: really
AA: really
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R
Here’s a weird fit Aradia throws about predestination. It’s followed shortly by a command for Aradia to randomly explode—it’s convincing and easy to fall for, but she denies the command, not even doing it in the following page. I fell for that command in my second read.
Apparently she’s standing on top of that captcha-card-shaped thing. Out of context it just looks like a staircase. I guess she flew on there but it’s still weird.
AC: :33 < pst :oo
TT: Yes?
AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy
TT: Why, what ever could you want?
AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm
TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded.
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
TT: Is what?
AC: :33 < he available?
TT: Who?
TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?
AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her
AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle
Nepeta is really apologetic here. I guess this is what happened to her view of the kids after trying and failing to befriend them as she says she did in Alterniabound.
TT: It’s ok. I understand.
TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.
AC: :33 < yay! :OO
This pun here seems more friendly than mockery like in her conversation with Eridan. Rose has clearly warmed up to the trolls. She and Dave seem to have generally thought the trolls to be a bunch of morons rather than rude assholes.
Rose summons Jaspersprite and gives him her old laptop, obvious outgrowing symbolism here. I think the deal with her arc at this point might be growing up too fast? It’s only been like 8 hours or something and this much stuff has happened. I guess that’s webcomic time for you.
JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers.
ROSE: It’s a little complicated, but I believe I’ve embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3
ROSE: I’m saying there’s something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends.
JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make!
JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway!
It’s been canonically brought up that maybe wrecking stuff was Rose’s real quest tied in with her real development of a person and playing the rain was just a fake thing. But Jaspersprite does seem to be honest here about Rose’s planet quest. As I said in Act 4, many readers are convinced Rose will end up playing the rain one way or another, and this may be the main reason why.
JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost.
JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose!
These lines bring Jaspersprite’s return to relevance as Jasprosesprite^2 to mind. At first she found the cat and owner combining with each other to be a great thing for both of them, but now she’s suffering exactly what’s happening with Davesprite, which is why I feel that squared sprite won’t last forever. Maybe she’ll unfuse somehow and the Rose she was can return to catching up with the meteor crew’s version from her timeline. Maybe unfusing sprites is within Dirk’s arsenal of god tier abilities? I’m not sure. I kind of hope that happens in some way, given how Jasprose talked about her sadness about not being able to be with Kanaya and whatnot.
ROSE: See you, Jaspers!
ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello.
JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3
This bit brings Jaspersprite’s whole reunion with Roxy way later to mind.
Dave talks to another batch of three trolls.
TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe
TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF
TC: AnD ThEn
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU?
TG: what
TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL
TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg
TC: SeE, lIkE
TC: ThAt’s kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT
TC: DoInG ThAt’s tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT
TC: As iN TrOlLeD
TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU
TC: Im lIkE DoInG
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o)
TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs
TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE
TC: AnD WhEn i’m aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On
TC: It’lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN’T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS
TC: ThAt’s hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe
TC: HoNk hOnK >:o)
TG: oh god thats right
TG: you were the best troll
TG: i remember now
TC: WhOa, I WaS?
TG: yeah
TG: i mean
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible
TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said
TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW
Here Gamzee’s doing what Dave says the trolls always do, ranting about how hard he’s about to get trolled with no ensuing substance. In his other conversation with Dave, after becoming evil, he is seriously mad at him and is trolling him, which is actually effective. I think this gives a decent contrast between Gamzee’s good and evil states.
TG: it was months ago for me
TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit
TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno
TG: and then
TG: you kinda got over that i guess
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space
TG: remember
Here’s Dave foreshadowing Gamzee turning evil: his religion is ruined, and he’s suddenly apparently not awful at rapping. His evil twist comes as a shock to readers but is plenty foreshadowed: in this conversation several times and on this page. This is also the first time Gamzee is referred to as a juggalo.
TC: My mInD’S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT’S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe
Don’t those pies rot Gamzee’s brain? He apparently thinks the contrary. This is also more foreshadowing. It’s already known that those slime pies, which Gamzee is addicted to, do funny things to a troll’s brain, so when he’s low on pies, his brain won’t be so funny.
TG: could be time shit
TG: you might not have had the conversation yet
TC: DoGg, I DoN’T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG
TC: I DoN’T GeT TiMe
TC: I WaSn’t tHe dUdE Of tImE
TC: I WaS ThE
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn
TC: BaRd oF
TC: FuCk
TC: I FoRgOt :o(
Even more foreshadowing. Gamzee forgot his own god tier title, and the fact that half of it is still withheld suggests that there’s more to him than we’ve seen.
TG: dude i was telling you
TG: youve got to check this out
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally
TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit
TC: Oh, MaN
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn’t sEe hOw i wOuLdN’T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs
TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that
TG: that still makes no damn sense
TG: but like
TG: the thing youre looking for
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck
TG: your mirthful messiahs
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao
TG: anyway theyre here dude
TG: check it out
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs
TC: :oO
The weird thing is, in Homestuck’s universe juggalos were probably inspired by people’s subconscious knowledge of Gamzee, rather than Gamzee being inspired by juggalos. The subjugglators are obviously a clown thing which I think was led by Gamzee’s ancestor, and Dirk mentioned that the Condesce was rumored to have recruited the ICP as dual presidents because they resembled her old form of government. In Homestuck as a comic, Gamzee is based on juggalos. In Homestuck’s universe, juggalos are based on Gamzee.
Gamzee watches the video and the panels progress like so…
This would look like a game face on Karkat but real irritation on Gamzee.
We’ve NEVER seen him angry like this. This is such a Karkat face.
For the first time in the comic, he’s ANGRY. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if the other trolls learned about the stuff Hussie based them on. What if Eridan watched all the Harry Potter movies? Or Kanaya read the Twilight saga? Or Tavros watched some Peter Pan cartoon?
— centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] —
CT: D –> I’m attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure
Equius’s first line here is letting you know, this conversation’s gonna be a doozy. Dave’s obviously gonna fuck with that troll some more, but this conversation’s going to soon go into an interesting direction which I’ll discuss as the conversation goes on.
TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow
CT: D –> I see
CT: D –> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual
CT: D –> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG
TG: no
TG: well yeah
TG: verbal pulse
TG: rap battles
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky
TG: this is like
TG: our religion man
TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around
CT: D –> Really
CT: D –> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets
CT: D –> Or the Earth equivalent
What Dave says here reminds me of Terezi’s joking statements about what trolls do (sniffing each other’s sentences, having a troll Jegus). I guess that’s a parallel between those two.
TG: yeah well
TG: used to be dictated
TG: til the rapocalypse happened
TG: i still believe though
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way
TG: that he will come
TG: our savior
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot
TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy
TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry
CT: D –> I believe
CT: D –> That this is probably nonsense
This shows that Equius, despite his let’s say problem, does have some sense in his mind.
CT: D –> I’ve already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline
CT: D –> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it
Hey, aren’t trolls all about doublecrossing, especially in Equius’s caste? I guess that “deception” could be distinct from what trolls like doing so much. Also, his misconception about humans’ apparent “habit of deception” is amusing; it’s more like if a bunch of dumb douchebags keep asking you about human culture, it’s funnier to make shit up. Also because humans don’t have a fucking caste system, at least not a universal one.
TG: hahahahaha
TG: douche
CT: D –> Did I say something entertaining
The deal with Equius is that he never tells jokes but is absurdly hilarious in the most fucked up ways just by being himself.
TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole
CT: D –> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices
CT: D –> But I’m not much of a poet
TG: come on
CT: D –> My poems are private
TG: whatever dude
TG: deprivatize them
CT: D –> If you’re prepared to be particularly forceful about it
CT: D –> I may be suitably disgusted to comply
TG: just
TG: take whatevers in there
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets
CT: D –> Yes
CT: D –> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me
CT: D –> Flowing
Eww. This is such obvious innuendo I don’t even know what to say.
Dave’s rap has a few lines worth commenting on:
TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist
Apparently Dave does block the trolls, even though he clearly never was as aggravated by them as John and Jade, mostly thinking they’re a bunch of idiots.
TG: so thoughtful to popul-
TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix
I love the word “hemoerotic” Dave coined. It’s punny and describes Equius’s “thing” pretty aptly.
CT: D –> But perhaps
CT: D –> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time
CT: D –> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme
CT: D –> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities
CT: D –> Let’s eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities
CT: D –> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities
CT: D –> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities
TG: holy shit
TG: what
CT: D –> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft
CT: D –> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec
TG: what the fuck
CT: D –> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are
CT: D –> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar
TG: oh god
TG: ok stop
Here Equius, just by being himself, creeps Dave out. Meanwhile, the trolls who are actually trying to be angry flamers all either get their ass handed to them or their victims’ eyes rolled all over their faces. Sometimes the best trolls are the ones that don’t try hard.
This picture exemplifies the weirdness of this new art style. The shade on the left of Dave’s head looks almost like he has a huge ear like he’s a monkey or something.
I’ve heard theories that this art style is deliberately kind of awkward, but I think it’s just regular weirdness.
CT: D –> Giving up on the treasure so easily
CT: D –> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility
CT: D –> As valuable an asset as strength is
CT: D –> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG
CT: D –> Such weapons require finesse to operate
CT: D –> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging
CT: D –> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint
Equius seems to think that people all have the same mindset and weird problems he does.
TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now
TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude
Dave outright admits that this dude creeps him out. As I said earlier, he’s an effective troll without trying to be effective.
CT: D –> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS
CT: D –> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield
CT: D –> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands
CT: D –> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus
CT: D –> I know what this is like
TG: man
TG: im not that strong ok
TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk
Oh, I guess that’s what Equius was talking about with Dave breaking swords easily.
Dave retrieves that sword from I guess slicing a column in half? It’s kind of hard to see how that worked. Equius gets horny I mean sweaty and dries off:
That little funny moment is over, time for more Dave/Terezi dialogue. I think Dave here is saving the best for last.
GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS!
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3?
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T?
TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started
GC: TH1S
GC: P4RTY
GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D
TG: god everything is about parties with you
GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON
TG: ok
TG: lets see some fine art then
GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU
GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S
GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S
GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3
I’m pretty sure that so far in this act, no Dave and Terezi conversation has gone without linking to a silly comic or gif or whatever.
GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3
GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST
TG: alright but
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff
TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D???
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY
TG: well yeah thats what i thought too
TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one
TG: to piss him off
“This guy thinks I’m hitting on you. Fuck him, I’ll keep doing it.”
GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3
GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL?
TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like
TG: my grill is your goddamn prison
TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker
TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid
TG: privy to what i flame broil from below
TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger
TG: hows it smell btw
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS
TG: yeah i thought so
Is is what Karkat means by Dave hitting on Terezi?
GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D
GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S!
GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG!
TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit
I totally forgot about (or hadn’t read?) Terezi comparing Dave to Karkat in some ways. This might be why people ship them. But if you ask me, that’s more reason for them to clash than for them to apparently giggle together.
Speaking of shipping Dave and Karkat, despite the stuff in it that I always talk about how awful it is, I can’t wait until I get to the John/Dave/Karkat conversation way later so I can dissect that whole thing in a way I’m really proud of coming up with. Should I rename this series to Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck? Probably not yet since I renamed this post series not long ago I have a feeling it might turn into that when I get to the material leading to Game Over and the controversial paths the story takes following that.
GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG
GC: BUT R34LLY
GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3
GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3
GC: COOL3R >:]
GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C
TG: issues
TG: what are you talking about
GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS
GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG
GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY
GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3
GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[
Terezi is getting psychoanalytical up in here.
TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me
GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3
GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S!
GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S??
GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T’S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW 
TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4
GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y
GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R
Arc stuff I guess. I’ve seen this whole thing of the deal with Dave being described by readers so many times that it really isn’t much new to talk about that stuff so I won’t bother. The stuff I quoted explains much of it anyway.
GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S
TG: not gonna happen
GC: COM3 ON!
GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M
GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3
GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY!
GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP
GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:|
This covering-up-body-mutations parallel between Dave and Karkat is frankly a bit of a stretch. The kids’ eye colors are hardly ever talked about, not even brought up in physical descriptions like “that kid with brown hair and green eyes”, but the trolls’ blood colors are a VERY big deal in their society so of course you’d want to avoid showing a mutation that’ll surely get you killed. Even on Beforus, red blood will get you coddled excessively which is also no good.
Plus, Rose, Roxy, and arguably Dirk also have very odd eye colors. Nobody blinks an eye (heh) about any of them, not even the ones that aren’t behind sunglasses. Additionally, Dave got his sunglasses from his brother, presumably to make him be just like daddy. Nowadays Dave continually wearing these Stiller shades is more of his personal brand than anything else.
TG: hey look at this change of subject going down
TG: about this comic
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep
GC: Y3S
TG: why
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW
GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D!
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3
TG: i dont feel tired
TG: could be rose waking me up again
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit
GC: OH?
TG: can you see in my dreams
GC: NO >:[
TG: too bad
TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason
TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show
GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO
GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!!
Here’s what just hit me: Terezi is fucking brilliant. She’s using her silly comics, which she and Dave both know he can’t say no to, to guide him around. That’s also how she gets Dave to summon Davesprite.
GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T
GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:]
TG: ok see ya
Dreams as sweet as he tastes. That’s such an amazing pun.
DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch
DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast
Going through the game way faster/different than usual is what happens when veterans assist you through it. Except the veterans aren’t a bunch of rad 20-year-olds who know all the cheat codes and hacks, they’re a group of gray-skinned douchebags who each have some kind of absurd gimmick.
DAVE: is that how you pronounce that
DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so
DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh
This is the weirdness of spoken dialogue shown in Homestuck in action: the joke here is that readers might not know how Caledfwlch is pronounced so Davesprite says it in a way that he thinks is right, but we don’t actually know that pronunciation. I read it as /cal-ed-foolch/. Let’s Read Homestuck says it as /cal-ed-vulk/ which I think is the closest you can get to the Welsh pronunciation using English sounds.
DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game
DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question
DAVE: fuck yeah it is
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better
DAVE: yeah thats what i figured
DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc
DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options
I love these chats about how stupid and absurd this game is. It’s a major theme how people talk about how this whole adventure is the dumbest thing ever, which brings Homestuck’s satirical nature to light. This remains strong in recent updates, with things like Dave talking about Rose’s supposed planet quest.
DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me
DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it
DAVE: should i just chuck it too
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus’s minions
DAVE: hes the denizen right
DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge
DAVE: isnt that like a greek god
DAVE: or roman or whatever
DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind
DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much
DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it
DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back
DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come
DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work
DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come
DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off
This chat about denizen stuff is interesting because it shows denizens being something other than stoic and cryptic. Then again, at this point we’re still pretty new to the concept of denizens, so maybe Hussie decided to fiddle with it a little after coming up with the idea.
DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear
DAVE: really
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out
DAVE: thats kind of retarded
This is a parallel between Dave and Rose regarding their supposed game roles which I’ve seen people point out. Just like playing the rain, the sword stuff might be a red herring quest. I’m pretty sure it’s deliberately super damn confusing.
DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of
DAVESPRITE: release myself
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me
DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already
DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright
DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble
DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them
DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore
DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up
This seems to be the stage where players are done with needing sprites to guide them around. Assuming the idea that sprites are meant to eventually die off is true, breaking that idea leads to interesting stuff. On the battleship, Nannasprite and Jaspersprite are complacent with their lives as a grandma and a cat, but Davesprite becomes a tragic figure, feeling himself worthless as not at all the real Dave. That’s why I like the idea of Davepetasprite^2 being a thing, because it brings Davesprite’s arc in a way better direction. Some people resent that Davesprite just suddenly combined with Nepeta rather than working through his issues, but I think it’s actually pretty cool how that happened, with a whole new idea of heroism way beyond regular Dave stuff. All this is coming from someone who’s complained about several of the recent plot developments.
DAVE: where will you go
DAVESPRITE: dunno
DAVESPRITE: fly around
DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe
DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard
DAVE: oh yeah
DAVE: where do you think he is
DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline
DAVESPRITE: who knows
DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him
DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one
DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ok good luck with that
DAVESPRITE: thanks man
I like to think that over time, Davesprite gradually grew to respect his bro to some degree rather than Dave who has it in his mind that he was a huge asshole. There isn’t very solid evidence for that, rather just a headcanon I have.
Vriska puts Dave to sleep, Davesprite goes for the badass.
See you next time as we meet a brand new character named Jade.
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