Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 107: Marty McFly Refuses to Fight the Incredible Hulk

Introduction

< Part 106 | Part 107 | Part 108 >

Pages 6376-6396

Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1, Part 3 of 5

Alternate post title: The Wonderful World of Strider Malaise

I’ll finish A6A6I1 before next 4/13, I promise. I’m setting this goal because this act (screw calling it a sub-sub-intermission) ends with a scene that I’ve been looking forward to covering for a LONG time now and I’m worried that whatever content comes out on Homestuck’s 11th anniversary might clog up my brain again.

Dirk is out of the loop both literally and figuratively.

Also, just like last time, I’m quoting all of Dirk’s conversation with Arquiusprite in images instead of text.

Picking up from where we left off, it’s time to see what Dirk is up to. He’s flying through the outer reaches of the alpha session just like the three different versions of Jack Noir, contacting Arquiusprite as a last resort to figure out what the hell is going on.

With these three lines alone, it’s already clear that the Condesce’s plan for what to do with Dirk is working exactly as intended: she has no use for him whatsoever and used Jade to warp him as far away from the action as possible. Kind of sucks that this guy is shafted for so much of Act 6 Act 6, but I guess that’s just what the empress thinks of him.

Here, Arquiusprite does what he does best: providing bizarre trivia on things absolutely no one asked about. This is what he does for most of this conversation, which is hilarious for the reader but painfully useless for Dirk.

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 99: 3*(2+50)weekium Meteor Mindfuckery

Introduction

< Part 98 | Part 99 | Part 100 > (I’m close to a big milestone!!!)

Pages 5927-5946 (MSPA: 7827-7846)

Act 6 Intermission 5, Part 1 of 5

Man, “The Trolls” just aren’t what they used to be.

A few months ago when I looked over the titles of my old 2015-16 posts, I realized that “3*(2+50)weekium Meteor Mindfuckery” would have been a much better name for the post titled “Karkat Freakouts Ad Infinitum”, the post covering the beginning of the meteor journey. I’ve decided to use that title (which matches “Triennium Battleship Mindfuckery” for the start of the battleship journey) for the post that starts the tail end of the meteor journey, because I like that title a lot.

Act 6 Intermission 5 begins with a shot of the trolls’ meteor approaching its destination, corresponding with the battleship’s arrival at the end of the prior sub-act. It is accompanied with Karkat saying “DAVE ARE YOU THERE”, which is a fun way to start this intermission: pretty much any conversation between Karkat and Dave is guaranteed to be hilarious, and Karkat’s line indicates that they’ve grown quite a bit closer than they were last time we saw them.

Goofy alchemized computers are one of the few traditions from the early acts to survive this long, which I am very grateful for. I love the design of Karkat’s little crab watch thing.

KARKAT: ANSWER ME YOU JACKOFF.
KARKAT: DON’T BE ALL LIKE YOU’RE TOO BUSY TO PICK UP, WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID.
KARKAT: YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS METEOR WHO’S GOT EVEN LESS ON HIS NUTRITION PLATEAU THAN ME.
KARKAT: EVEN THE MAYOR HAS A MORE DEMANDING SCHEDULE THAN WE DO, LET’S FACE THE FUCKING FACTS.
KARKAT: WHAT. DID YOU THINK CAN TOWN RUNS ITSELF??
KARKAT: FAT CHANCE.
KARKAT: DAVE.
KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT DAVE.
KARKAT: I HAVE A PROBLEM.
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: *WE* HAVE A PROBLEM.

Karkat’s attempt to reach out to Dave says a lot about both the meteor crew’s current state of affairs and Karkat’s inner drive for leadership. It also says a lot that Dave is the first one he contacts, instead of Rose or Terezi, the usual experts on Sburb-related matters. We’re right about to find out why he chose to contact Dave.

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 87: The Mental Breakdown to End All Mental Breakdowns

Introduction

Part 86 | Part 87 | Part 88 >


Act 6 Intermission 3, Part 2 of 6

Pages 5264-5307 (MSPA: 7164-7207)

Alternate post title: Con Air – It’s No Masterpiece
Alternate post title 2: John Egbert Dissects Con Air
Alternate post title 3: Ghost Butt Speculation Station



Five years and one day ago, I started reading Homestuck for the first time. I can’t believe I’m still obsessed with it after all this time. Enjoy this post as a five-year celebration of sorts! I wrote the whole thing on vacation, then made a few revisions at home.

September 18 will be the fourth anniversary of my Homestuck blog post series. I think it would be fun to get to the end of Homestuck’s fourth year on that day, but that’s 900 pages away so it probably won’t be possible unless I REALLY pick up the pace.



You pause your adventure through the afterlife because you’ve been at it for way too long already. You’ll get back to this in a little while. You just know more of your dead loser friends are lurking in this area. You can feel their lameness emanating from beyond the grave. You can also feel it emanating from within the grave, which is good, because that’s where you are. The grave. 

The page that immediately follows Openbound Part 1 tells readers that we’ll be getting back to meeting the Beforan trolls in not too long. Another bit that was most useful for serial readers at the time.

What we REALLY need to do is see what John’s been up to. It almost feels like it’s been a year since we saw him. Hell, it’s probably his birthday again. When is it ever NOT John’s birthday???

Um, I’m pretty sure November 2016 was way more than just a year ago.

Jokes aside, “when is it ever not John’s birthday” is a damn good question. It’s incredibly disorienting whenever a part of Homestuck doesn’t take place on his birthday. I like to assume Harry Anderson Egbert was also born April 13, because of how much of the Candy Epilogue takes place on his birthday.


It is indeed John’s birthday; his fifteenth, in fact. To celebrate, we’re treated to an enormous zoom-in to the Prospitian battleship he and Jade have been living in. Act 6 Intermission 3 has quite a few lengthy art sequences, only befitting of an act that experiments HARD with storytelling style.

Casey/VBVS is extremely precious and pure.


This image is quite the nostalgia mine. John and Jade’s favorite things are scattered about in a dimly-lit hallway, with five familiar planets hovering above.

Still waiting to learn the in-comic story behind Charles Dutton…


Now THIS image above is quite a strange sight. John’s enormously built-up house looked stunning back in Act 5 Act 2, but now it just looks weird and nostalgic, especially when it’s unusually close to LOFAF and with a green space player aura around it.


The next few images bring about even more of this strange form of nostalgia. It’s all the familiar locations from the first five acts, looking the same as ever but kind giving off a weird feeling clustered together like this.


John’s built-up house doesn’t quite look the same as ever though. Everything’s fresh and repaired, not the insane mess of imp oil we knew prior. Makes sense given it’s been two in-story years since all that happened, but still gives off a strange feeling.

As for the light coming out of John’s house…


… it turns out to be coming from a TV playing his favorite movie, Con Air. A rather funny moment if I say so myself.

Looks like the cruxtruder was finally moved out of the way.


Now this is quite a cute image. The imps that trashed John’s house so long ago are now chilling out with him and Jade, along with Jaspersprite and some adorable little salamanders. They’re eating copious amounts of cake, as per Egbert family tradition.


It’s a bit odd that John isn’t smiling watching the movie he loves so much. What gives?

Jade lifting the cake with space powers looks really cute, I can’t explain why.
What a classic scene. A fitting time for John to realize something important…


JOHN: jade… 
JADE: hm? 
JOHN: i think i just realized something. 
JADE: what? 

Wait for it… wait for it…

15 YEAR OLD BOY SWEARING


JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!! 

THE WHAM LINE.

I don’t think I need any words to describe the sheer shock value of John saying, and I quote, “THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!” I absolutely love humorous wham lines like this.


JADE: whaaat 
JADE: but you love this movie! 
JOHN: yeah, i know. 
JOHN: i mean… i thought i did. 
JOHN: it’s been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this! 
JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid. 
JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday! 
JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed… but now youre saying you dont like it? 
JOHN: i don’t know. i’m trying to like it. i WANT to like it. 
JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it. 
JOHN: but i can’t, because… 
JOHN: it’s just… 
JOHN: not… 
JOHN: good. 😦 


So there we have it: John’s opinion on Con Air has flipped completely upside-down. It’s surprising, but considering people’s tastes change as they get older it’s not unusual…

JADE: really? 
JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it! 
JADE: its very silly 
JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john 
JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!!! 
JOHN: i guess maybe that’s kind of the point. 
JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling. 
JOHN: what was i even thinking! 


… at least until John goes into a discussion on taking media seriously. This is where he starts talking out of his ass, which he will only proceed to do more of. Taking a work of media seriously and not taking it seriously aren’t mutually exclusive—not even close. Does John even know what taking things seriously means?

JADE: i dunno…. 
JADE: but people can change their minds about things 
JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie 
JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young
JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was 
JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise 
JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas….. 
JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it 
JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level 


Jade’s reminisce upon the Squiddles show is pretty interesting. It’s an honest discussion on childhood tastes in media that doubles as an in-comic nod to Hussie’s Formspring posts where he claimed the Squiddles were based on people’s subconscious imaginations of the Horrorterrors.

Speaking personally, when I revisit media I liked when I was a kid I usually still enjoy it, but for way different reasons now that I’m an adult.* SpongeBob SquarePants is a prime example and I’m sure I’m not alone in that regard—I now find myself understanding and enjoying things about it I couldn’t grasp when I was younger, while dismissing the parts I liked when I was younger as juvenile humor. It’s a bit like how My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic did WAY too good of a job at adding elements that appeal to adults and ended up having a surprisingly large male fanbase, one that I was sucked into at one point. But there’s really way more childhood media than just SpongeBob that’s had that effect on me. I personally recommend everyone take a moment to look back on media they liked as a kid; you might be surprised by how much your tastes have (or haven’t) changed!

* I’m not even close to being an actual proper Adult though. In some ways I’ll probably never be one.

JOHN: well, maybe later i’ll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it. 
JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard. 
JADE: what is even the problem with it? 
JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie… 
JADE: its funny! 


Aw, Jade is being so sweet. It just makes me smile seeing her understand John’s taste in media perfectly and turn out to enjoy Con Air more than she thought she would.

JOHN: it’s just non stop terrible action movie cliches! 

John, on the other hand? Get ready for him to play the role of a terrible film critic. Speaking from experience, it’s way too fun to write fictional characters analyze media you like (or dislike)—perhaps even more fun than analyzing media already is. I can tell Hussie had an insane amount of fun writing the scene that follows.

This is probably the most “film critic” face anyone has ever made in Homestuck.


JOHN: look. 
JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok? 
JOHN: but i’m kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie! 
JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts “charming” with his goofy accent and stuff. 
JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now. 
JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said “put the bunny back in the box” i actually high fived my dad? 
JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes. 


The moment John starts talking about his dead father, every reader’s heart shatters into a million pieces. How could he even say such a thing?! I’ll talk more about John’s grief towards his father when he goes into full flipout mode.

JOHN: there’s so much crappy dialogue! 
JOHN: “cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good…” arrgh! 
JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich! 
JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don’t be so naive. 
JADE: what!! 
JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive???? 


And it only gets better from there. Now Jade is the one that actually understands the movie while John misses the point of everything and just finds as many things to criticize as he possibly can.

JOHN: ok, i’m sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film. 
JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade. 
JADE: oh god 
JADE: vexing and hypnotic?? 
JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet 
JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days 
JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what’s crappy these days. 
JADE: oh bluh bluh 
JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie? 


John’s mental breakdowns are even funnier than I remember. His personality is completely overhauled when he throws tantrums like this; he now uses advanced poetic vocabulary in ways that make absolutely no sense.

I love this face. I can’t believe JADE is the one making it.


JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff! 
JADE: hang on im going to rewind it… 
JOHN: who even cares what we missed. 
JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense. 
JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!! 
JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can’t believe i used to think he was just trolling me. 


Here’s more of John being strangely black-and-white when it comes to taking media seriously and not seriously. I analyzed the times Dave poked fun at John’s favorite movies quite a bit in my rewritten posts about the early acts; it’s clear he likes John’s movies more than he lets on, or at least finds himself thinking about them a lot, especially Little Monsters with the apple juice pee scene.

JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them… that was pointless! 
JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue! 
JOHN: like… oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!! 
JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses. 
JOHN: also, i somehow didn’t even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too. 
JADE: whos dave chappelle? 
JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we’re supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter? 
JOHN: well screw that! he wasn’t so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for. 
JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy. 
JOHN: i’m going to rewind it to watch that scene again… 
JADE: no!!! 
JADE: dont touch the remote 
JOHN: oh, and we’re supposed to be like “YEAH” when cusack wrecks malloy’s awesome sports car. 
JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn’t have ruined it like that for laughs. 
JOHN: i know *I* wasn’t laughing, were you? 
JADE: YES :p 


Oh my fucking god, this is side-splitting. John’s nonsensical criticisms remind me of CinemaSins, a YouTube channel I used to be a big fan of until they became more and more of a sleazy blatant cashgrab. This whole rant is such an amazing parody of movie reviewers who miss the point of everything and only do it for the money, all because John isn’t quite thinking straight.

JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don’t really get what he added to it? 
JOHN: he was like the second hero… but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine… 
JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie. 
JOHN: i guess he’s actually like cage’s estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had. 
JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united. 
JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter! 


Do you ever just read something that is every bit as hilarious as it is poignant? Through describing how touching it is when Cage and Cusack finally reunite, John is underhandedly venting about how badly he misses Rose and Dave.

All that said, there’s nothing unusual about realizing things about your life through media. That one anime I’ve been constantly talking about for the past few months reminds me of my days in middle school way more than I’d like to admit. One of the characters (Yui Hirasawa, if you must know) reminds me of myself which is great because she’s extremely super adorable. Some of the characters even remind me of specific friends from those days. And don’t even get me started on all the things about life I’ve realized through reading the Homestuck Epilogues, especially at the end with the Obama scene… I’m getting a bit off topic though. Let’s continue.

JOHN: i wonder if i’ll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i’ll probably think it’s so lame, i’m almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted. 
JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here 


Despite suddenly disliking Con Air, John still has all these analogies between his friends and the movie’s cast heavily ingrained in his head. The poster shown in the Con Air parody flash near the end of Act 4 accurately maps John to Nicolas Cage, Dave to John Cusack, and Karkat to John Malkovich; he’s also mapped Cage’s daughter to the salamander named after her, and his wife to whoever is most convenient (which is at the moment nobody, more on that soon!). As such, he badly wants to leave some of his Con Air memories intact and especially doesn’t want to risk tarnishing his love for his beautiful salamander daughter.

JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW! 
JADE: what??? 
JOHN: oh… 
JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass. 


Can… feathers do that??? Maybe they can, I don’t know. Either way, this line humorously(?) demonstrates that John and Davesprite absolutely hate each other now.

Oh my god, Jade looks like she needs a hug.


JADE: yeah…. john 
JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight 

JOHN: aw, man. really? 
JOHN: i knew we shouldn’t have invited both him and jaspers. 
JOHN: that’s just party planning BASICS. 
JADE: no… 
JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers 
JOHN: oh. 
JOHN: then why? 
JADE: he uh… 
JADE: kind of broke up with me 


I’ve always found it kind of fascinating that Jade x Davesprite was simultaneously canonized and sunk through the last line above. I remember one person somewhere compared it to the sound of a ship going off and sinking at the same time, which is way too hilarious to imagine considering that breakups are, you know, sad. Especially in this case, because we didn’t know for a fact they were dating until we learned they broke up.


JOHN: what!!!
JOHN: when did that happen? 
JADE: a couple days ago 
JOHN: no. no way. 
JOHN: i cannot accept this! 
JADE: john its ok you dont have t… 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip! 
JADE: we were? 
JOHN: yes, jade. 
JOHN: you were our rock. 
JADE: your rock?? 
JADE: what are you talking about? 
JOHN: come on, jade. 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like… an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship. 
JADE: we were not an institution! 
JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now 


How did Hussie even write this??? It’s kind of crazy to imagine someone actually writing a rant that makes zero sense but fits well as part of a massive mental breakdown. First Jade and Davesprite are the glue, then they’re the rock, and now they’re an “institution”.

JOHN: why did he break up with you?! 
JADE: um… 
JADE: its complicated 
JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now
JOHN: stuff?? 
JOHN: what stuff. 
JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don’t see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend. 
JADE: do uh… 
JADE: you have a girlfriend? 
JOHN: that is not the point. 

Time to finally discuss aromantic John headcanons, just like I would have done back in late 2016 if I wasn’t a complete idiot back then.

Well OK, maybe I wasn’t a complete idiot. I just didn’t understand any LGBT stuff beyond people being gay or straight and didn’t think most of it actually existed. Aromantic was one such thing I didn’t think existed, which is weird and a little embarrassing in retrospect because I now know that I am, and have always been, unmistakably aromantic.

A natural consequence of being aromantic is that I am obligated to discuss how that orientation is represented in Homestuck. I’m not of those people that puts extreme stock in their sexuality or other odd traits being accurately represented in media, but I can’t say it doesn’t feel extremely gratifying when media accurately represents traits of mine. I would go on more about that topic but I don’t want to get sidetracked into ranting about anime girls. Just watch K-ON! if you haven’t, if you like anything that’s fun and especially if you like good music I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. Every girl is best girl, Yui is just the best best girl.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Homestuck. John’s perception of romance in the first five acts was extremely childish, which evolved to strong disinterest in Act 6 Intermission 2 when he firmly declared romance and dating to be dumb and boring. I think it’s completely fair for readers at that point to confidently presume John to be aromantic. There’s just one catch though: identity questioning and reconsideration is a real thing that exists. It’s been a theme in Homestuck for longer than most people probably realize. Though people usually refer to gender and sexuality when they talk about “identity” in media, I think identity goes way beyond just that. It’s what you choose to affiliate yourself with or what sort of person you present yourself as, which I think has been a theme in Homestuck since the early acts. A major case of identity questioning is John’s opinion on Vriska, which constantly fluctuates between sincere admiration and extreme hatred and everything in between. His opinion on Vriska goes hand-in-hand with his opinion on romance, which also regularly fluctuates. At the point we’re in now, John is invested enough in romance to mention his nonexistent “girlfriend” amidst a mental breakdown. This isn’t the only time in this act where John mentions his “girlfriend”; maybe I’ll discuss that topic more there, especially since the next time he mentions it foreshadows his relationship with Roxy.

You may think that as an aromantic person, I would like it if Homestuck had an unambiguously aromantic character. But I actually appreciate the characters’ constant identity questioning far more than any of that! It’s really quite a shame fans of pretty much any media tend to perceive characters’ “identities” so robotically. Though there’s a lot of LGBT stuff I still don’t understand, I can safely say I’ve grown past thinking of any of it as firm and black-and-white.


This hand gesture. This FUCKING hand gesture. This MOTHERFUCKING hand gesture. It’s the absolute funniest thing to ever exist. The longer I stare at this image the funnier it gets.

JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche. 
JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just… 
JOHN: no, he’s an orange feathery douche. 

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he’s like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition. 
JOHN: maybe it’s because he’s part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him. 
JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him 
JADE: like i said… its all more complicated than that 
JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed. 
JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to. 
JADE: me too 
JOHN: ehh… 
JOHN: maybe it’s for the best he broke up with you. 
JADE: why? 
JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him? 
JOHN: he’s a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to? 
JADE: i dont know 
JOHN: there are a lot of things we don’t know. 
JOHN: and also… 
JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite? 
JADE: what do you mean 
JOHN: i mean… 
JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing. 
JADE: uh 
JADE: so 
JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade! 
JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!!!!! 
JOHN: i’m just saying… 
JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT! 
JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too! 


“Ghost butt” will never not be funny. Does John really know that little about how sex and romance work, or is he just too uncomfortable to use big boy words? We will probably never know… (it’s probably the latter)

Jade’s discomfort with John’s sexual rambles reads way differently knowing a CERTAIN THING about her in the epilogues…


JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun! 
JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time 
JOHN: well, maybe i’m just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat! 
JOHN: don’t you think it’s gotten kind of old? 
JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here 
JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much… maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone? 


Eugh, please don’t make me think of Jade’s post-retcon battleship journey again. Jade has it so easy here but then the retcon made HER the one who was extremely depressed and lonely. The epilogues have redeemed much of my prior Homestuck salt, but they have only worsened my salt on how poorly the story treats Jade. The only reason I don’t constantly complain about Jade salt is that I am in awe about the characters that did get happy endings, especially Jake “Punching Bag” English in Candy.

JOHN: oh sure, i’m sure it’s GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and… 
JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!!! 
JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you’re busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade. 


Though John had just shown signs of not being quite as aromantic as we may have thought, he still seems slow to understand how romance works in practice. I can’t quite tell how much of his childish speak is an effect of his mental breakdown or recent revelation that Davesprite has a ghost butt.

JOHN: and it’s not like there’s really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she’s my grandmother, and she’s great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him! 
JADE: john… if you told me this earlier i would have… 
JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can’t even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and… 
JOHN: i guess what i’m saying is, i’m MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff. 


Can I just say the word

“sadstuck”

and be done with this post??? Jesus Christ, this is killing me.

JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go 
JOHN: and how fast is that again? 
JADE: about the speed of light! 
JOHN: well, can’t you use your space powers and bump it up a notch? 
JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john 
JADE: unless you teleport of course 
JOHN: and why can’t you teleport us again? 
JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!
JOHN: is that why we can’t go faster than light either? 
JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics!!! jeez 
JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn’t really a regular place, right? 
JOHN: isn’t the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we’re racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo? 
JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light 
JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in… even this one! 
JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about! 
JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi… 

JOHN: no, i don’t want to talk about physics! i don’t know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring. 

More Sadstuck when Jade reminds us she’s always been a passionate science nerd but never got to indulge with friends in that interest like John with his movies or Dave with his comics. At least the epilogues show that someone enjoys taking part in Jade’s lesser-known interests, namely her grandfatherson Jake.

JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much? 
JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is! 
JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!!! 
JADE: you take that back!!!!! 
JOHN: no. 
JOHN: magic is awesome. 
JOHN: science blows. 
JOHN: the end. 


😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

^ There’s ten frowny faces. One for John, one for Jade, and eight for dear sweet Casey the salamander.

Suddenly, John notices something stuck to his back. What could it possibly be???


This parody fatherly note just cracked me up so hard, holy shit. Why is Homestuck so funny?????

The real Dave would never spell McConaughey’s name correctly.


… well, at least until the line “im proud as shit youre my son or whatever.” That is so fucking mean and brutal, I can’t believe any version of Dave would ever make fun of John’s departed father so shamelessly.

It flips back into black comedy with the line “next stop: figuring out mcconaughey is trash” though.

It hurts so hard seeing a picture of the long gone Dad Egbert.


JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!! 
JADE: what? 
JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS. 
JADE: what is it?? 
JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. 
JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!!! 
JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH! 

JADE: where are you going? 
JOHN: I’M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS! 
JADE: what! john, no… 
JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE??? 
JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE?????? 
JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE! 


Through going into full-scale flipout mode, John reveals that he misses his dad far more than he lets on. He now thinks of April 13 more as the anniversary of his father’s death than his own birthday.


JOHN: I’M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE! 
JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! 
JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN’T COOL! *YOU’RE* NOT COOL! 
JOHN: LIKE IT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU! 
JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME?? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!!! 
JADE: 😐 
JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE HELL, MAN. 
JOHN: I DON’T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*?? WELL, HAVE YOU???? 
JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!!!!!!!! 


John’s flipped his shit so hard he’s now talking about the movie Saw, a famous scene of which we recently saw Caliborn reenact. It’s a pretty neat case of circumstantial simultaneity.


JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE! 
JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY! 
JOHN: OH NO, DON’T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I’M ON TO YOU, BUDDY. 
JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!! 


And right after referencing Saw, John breaks the fourth wall by nodding in-comic to the sky watermarks the comic has occasionally done with such figures as Snoop Dogg and the ICP. It’s such a perfect way to convey someone is having a serious mental breakdown.


JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO! 
JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON’T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE? 
JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD. 
JOHN: I CAN’T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! 


OOF OUCH SHIT FUCK. John’s lines about Davesprite sting HARD, HARD, HARD. I feel INCREDIBLY bad for John here. And I feel kind of bad for Davesprite too? But mostly John.

JADE: john… 
JADE: theres no one there 

JOHN: oh he’s THERE alright. 
JOHN: he’s probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him. 
JOHN: don’t you see, jade? he’s antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he’s done with you, remember? 
JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures. 
JADE: what pastures 
JOHN: it’s me. 
JOHN: I’M the pastures. 
JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh. 
JADE: what 
JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule? 
JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy 
JOHN: no, you see, it’s… 
JOHN: the mule represented, like… 
JOHN: i don’t know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something. 
JADE: …. 


John’s nonsensical metaphors are far funnier than they have any right to be. They might be even funnier than the metaphors the Striders are so fond of, because John’s always either fall apart early on or never make any sense in the first place.


JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES. 
JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite’s stupid ephemeral sky visage. 
JOHN: who cares about anything!!! 
JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots. 
JOHN: JUST. 
JOHN: WHO. 
JOHN: CARES. 
JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here 
JADE: … 
JADE: john? 

JADE: john… 
JADE: are you asleep? 
JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway 


And so, John’s tantrum and Jade’s screen time are both cut short when John suddenly passes out. What’s he going to dream about this time? We’ll find out after Openbound Part 2; a rather entertaining cliffhanger, I must say.

This post was incredibly fun to write. It’s probably one of the most self-indulgent I’ve ever written. I found plenty of excuses to talk about the various media I’ve liked over the years; let’s be real here, at some point I’m going to cave in and write an enormous post all about my favorite anime girls. It will be epic, just you wait. But for now, see you next time as Meenah meets even more shitty joke characters, some of whom I already have quite a few possibly interesting(???) things to say about.

>> Part 88: Greaser Grillings and Ghostly GIFs

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 73: A Reminisce on Romance Weirdness

Introduction

Part 72 | Part 73 | Part 74 >

Act 6 Intermission 2, Part 2 of 3

Pages 4709-4740 (MSPA: 6609-6640)

NOTE: I’m not going to discuss those aromantic John headcanons because I don’t really care to. Actually no, I changed my mind and discussed such headcanons in this post a few years later.

Picking up from where we left off, Kanaya is about to leave the lab when all of a sudden…

KANAYA: Augh 
KANAYA: Why Does That Always Happen 
KARKAT: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE GODDAMN WAY. 
KARKAT: I GOT A LAB FULL OF HUMANS, A MOUTH FULL OF YELLING, AND A TORTURED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FULL OF TOTALLY HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS AND UNAIRED GRIEVANCES AT PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY. 
DAVE: karkat is broken guys 

Karkat’s sudden entrance is done via a 2x callback combo, and Dave completely lampshades how bizarre that is.

Karkat and Dave immediately start arguing about stuff and dear god the insults they trade are killing me. Unlike prior cases of characters trading insults (one-sided or not), this scene is just too hilarious to be any sort of setup for character development. Despite that, the comic does a good job developing their dynamic later on; before you think I switched my stance entirely I’m only talking about before the retcon. I have to say I think I’m kind of doing an alright job not moaning too much about stuff.

Continue reading

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 64: Triennium Battleship Mindfuckery

Introduction

Part 63 | Part 64 | Part 65 >

Act 6 Intermission 1, Part 1 of 2

Pages 4285-4345 (MSPA: 6185-6245)

NOTE: My next Problem Sleuth post is still in production. Stay tuned for it I guess.

One down.

The curtains closing in on a tragic explosion transition us to robotic Hussie, who completely destroys all drama with a humorous line, “One down.” I think I’m getting the hang of this black comedy thing. Though he immediately says he’s referring to the curtains, not the kids, it’s still funny regardless.

So, uh… what about all those other kids?

Huh? Who? 

Oh, yeah. Those people. 

Aren’t they all dead?

Hussie is a master at pretending not to really care that much about his comic. Some people think that due to many parts of the late comic being unsatisfying, after a certain point he actually did stop caring as much as he used to; if so, his lines above may be taken as an exaggeration of his future self.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 56: SBES Vol. 2 – Of Sports and Snake Monsters

Introduction

Part 55 | Part 56 | Part 57 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 29 of 32

Doc Scratch Intermission, Part 4 of 6

Pages 3936-4001 (MSPA: 5836-5901) (not in order)

NOTE: SBES stands for Scrapbook Examination Station.

Welcome back to my Homestuck post series. After nearly three weeks without any such posts, I guess it’s time for more scrapbook pages. I will do this selection screen left to right (boring order, I know), so I’ll start with Nannasprite.

Continue reading

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 55: Scrapbook Examination Station (SBES) Volume I

Introduction

Part 54 | Part 55 | Part 56 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 28 of 32

Doc Scratch Intermission, Part 3 of 6

Pages 3874-3935 (MSPA: 5774-5835) (not in order)

NOTE: Remember, no new posts until after the 23rd because of vacation.

Here’s how this whole 250-ish-page scrapbook section is going to work. I said a while back that I will always avoid doing the selection screens in the normal order. The scrapbook pages, which are in fact the first selection screens, are an exception, not because I will do them in the normal order, but because there is no normal order; from what I can tell, readers do them in various orders. To spice it up regardless, for each of those selection screens, I will go by a different rule for which order to read the scenes.

There are six such selection screens total, each directly following the previous. This post and the next two will each go through two of those selection screens. I was originally going to do something different so that I’d be sure it’s all split evenly since some selection screens take up more pages total than others, but I figured it’s easiest to just split it like that.

For the first selection of scrapbook scenes, shown above, I will do them in order of smallest to biggest picture. This means I’ll start with the one on the bottom left, the Dersite battleship.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 32: The Bard of Fuck I Forgot

Introduction

Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 5 of 32

Pages 2793-2840 (MSPA: 4693-4740)



I am debating with myself whether it’s clichéd to start putting in “Where I…” between the title pictures of my posts and the first pictures. Because I want to have something between those pictures or it just looks awkward. Then again I have nothing between the title and following pictures in many of the posts where I retroactively added title pictures.


John connects to Jade and gets ready to do some important stuff until…

She’s back!


Nanna makes her classic pranking entrance and summons a bed to catch John and his stuff.

JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: really?
NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna.
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years. 

It’s never really stated how the guardians know all that stuff; the deal with them is that they somehow know stuff about Sburb. Did she know this through being raised by the Condesce who also seemed to know stuff about Sburb?

NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all! 
JOHN: huh, oh yeah. 
JOHN: don’t you find it all a little strange? 
NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me?

This might be my favorite Nannasprite line.

NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. 
JOHN: yeah! 
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo… 
JOHN: ectobiblio… shit! 
JOHN: (oops! sorry.) 

John here apologizes for swearing in front of Nanna. Some people seem to think that John only ever uses the so-called “minced oaths” (like gosh and darn), but here he lets out a profanity in front of his grandma.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! 

Is Nanna saying that she, too, had an echeladder as a kid?? I never realized that. If she’s saying what I think she is, I guess Homestuck’s game mechanics have existed in the comic’s world before video games even existed. That’s weird to imagine, young George Washington achieving the [insert goofy name here] rank and earning 2000 boondollars or whatever for doing whatever he did as a kid.



NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.

JOHN: ok. what is it? 
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go. 
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn’t endure those long spells without a good visit! 
JOHN: oh cool, that is great! 

Didn’t John talk to Nannasprite from afar in the Act 4 opening minigame? It’s never really explained how that was done.

Nanna prepares some food for John and…


So, are Chinese finger traps among the inventory of stuff Nanna can summon or what?


This transitions us to Rose with her laptop next to her, hassled by three trolls.


This is the first of several non-walkaround scenes that are shown in 8-bit mode.
It would’ve been cool if there was a little selection screen to pick which troll to answer first.


These chumps just won’t quit hounding you! 

It’s like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses, and they’ve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine.

I automatically read the second sentence in Let’s Read Homestuck’s Dave voice. If I’m bored I’ll often just watch one of their videos, and I’ve gotten pretty used to all their voices.

And here’s the first appearance of this new painting-like art style. It didn’t really stick.


CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock 
TT: ? 
CA: magic is NOT REAL 
CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely 
CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is 
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse 
TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I’m some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic? 
TT: You can’t needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don’t care. 
CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT 
TT: Fine. You win. 
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan. 

Is this where Eridan got the idea for his science s(h)tick (I’m so proud of this pun)?

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

This is one of several times troll misconceptions cause the kids to think “what the fuck are you talking about”. Eridan here is falsely deducing a whole weird idea of what Rose’s life was like, which reminds me of John speculating about the trolls being time travelers sent to study humans a few posts ago. Also, I love Rose’s last line in that bit I quoted.

CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing 
TT: What? 
CA: this thing wwe got goin 
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin 
CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature 
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld 
TT: And how was that? 
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental 
CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron 

It’s amusing as shit the way this guy hits on people.

TT: Accidentally? 
TT: Or on porpoise? 

Eridan probably saw this fish pun, obviously meant as mockery, as advances to him or something.

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

We don’t actually see much of trolls teaching kids troll romance. The whole little part where John <3< Terezi is established as a potential thing is an example but I’m not sure there’s that much else. Oh, and Kanaya telling Rose stuff about troll romance in that date scene which I like to think is a parody of lesbian fanfictions.

CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that 
TT: You want to learn magic? 
CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch 
TT: Sure. Let’s begin. 
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.


caligulasAquarium’s [CA’S] computer exploded.

What’s better than remotely blowing up someone’s computer? It almost seems like the Thorns of Oglogoth, like sprite powers, have new powers as the plot demands: blasting dark magic to kill enemies, destroying and levitating buildings from afar, flying yourself around, and now blowing up computers in other incipispheres.

— apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] —

AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!

Aradia’s first line in her conversation with Rose has an exclamation point. When dead Aradia uses exclamation points, that’s how you know shit must be serious.

AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es 
TT: Hi.
AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u
TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?
AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: breaking stuff
AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses
AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing
TT: ?
AA: what they say
TT: Who?
AA: y0u kn0w wh0 

Here we have the fatalistic troll warning someone who’s being the exact opposite of fatalistic that what she’s doing won’t work. And the worst part here is, she’s actually right. Rose ends up being something of a pawn, her destructive actions being exactly what’s “supposed to happen”.

AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening
AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice
AA: it w0uld have been nice 

Maybe Sollux could’ve served that role? He’s a pretty anti-fatalistic guy, with his intents to do good rather than to serve forces of destiny. But he probably accepted that his and Aradia’s inner voices are just a thing that exists, especially because low-blooded trolls tend to have psychic abilities like that.

TT: What did they tell you?
AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race 

Aradia said in the trolls’ arc that she knew that creating Sburb would destroy the world and that she merely tricked Sollux into creating it by telling him otherwise. Did she used to think that their actions would save the race until her voices told her otherwise or what?

AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke
TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle? 

I wonder if Rose knows at this point what the Ultimate Riddle is. Karkat explained it to John back in Act 4, and Rose may have figured it out from all the planet exploration/destruction quest stuff she’s been doing. We saw how much she already knew in that conversation with John a while back.

AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
TT: Well,
TT: Aren’t you doing that regardless? Right now?
AA: 0bvi0usly
AA: but im just talking
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe!!! 

OK, the way Aradia acted in Alterniabound clearly wasn’t a one-off thing; she has indeed become pretty bitter after becoming a robot.

AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack
AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit
AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT
AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY
TT: O_O
AA: hahaha!
AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: this is great
AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
TT: You have circuitry?
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: that w0uld be just
AA: really
AA: really
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R 

Here’s a weird fit Aradia throws about predestination. It’s followed shortly by a command for Aradia to randomly explode—it’s convincing and easy to fall for, but she denies the command, not even doing it in the following page. I fell for that command in my second read.

Apparently she’s standing on top of that captcha-card-shaped thing. Out of context it just looks like a staircase. I guess she flew on there but it’s still weird.


AC: :33 < pst :oo
TT: Yes?
AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy
TT: Why, what ever could you want?
AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm
TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded.
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
TT: Is what?
AC: :33 < he available?
TT: Who?
TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?
AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her
AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle 

Nepeta is really apologetic here. I guess this is what happened to her view of the kids after trying and failing to befriend them as she says she did in Alterniabound.

TT: It’s ok. I understand.
TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.
AC: :33 < yay! :OO

This pun here seems more friendly than mockery like in her conversation with Eridan. Rose has clearly warmed up to the trolls. She and Dave seem to have generally thought the trolls to be a bunch of morons rather than rude assholes.


Rose summons Jaspersprite and gives him her old laptop, obvious outgrowing symbolism here. I think the deal with her arc at this point might be growing up too fast? It’s only been like 8 hours or something and this much stuff has happened. I guess that’s webcomic time for you.

JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers.
ROSE: It’s a little complicated, but I believe I’ve embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3
ROSE: I’m saying there’s something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends.
JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make!
JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway! 

It’s been canonically brought up that maybe wrecking stuff was Rose’s real quest tied in with her real development of a person and playing the rain was just a fake thing. But Jaspersprite does seem to be honest here about Rose’s planet quest. As I said in Act 4, many readers are convinced Rose will end up playing the rain one way or another, and this may be the main reason why.

JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost. 
JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose! 

These lines bring Jaspersprite’s return to relevance as Jasprosesprite^2 being a thing to mind. At first she found cat and owner combining with each other to be a great thing for both of them, but now she’s suffering exactly what’s happening with Davesprite, which is why I feel that squared sprite won’t last forever. Maybe she’ll unfuse somehow and the Rose she was can return to catching up with the meteor crew’s version from her timeline. Maybe unfusing sprites is within Dirk’s arsenal of god tier abilities? I’m not sure. I kind of hope that happens in some way, given how Jasprose talked about her sadness about not being able to be with Kanaya and whatnot.

ROSE: See you, Jaspers! 
ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello. 
JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3

This bit brings Jaspersprite’s whole reunion with Roxy way later to mind.


Dave talks to another batch of three trolls.

TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS 
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY 
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe 
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe 
TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF 
TC: AnD ThEn 
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU? 
TG: what 
TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL 
TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg 
TC: SeE, lIkE 
TC: ThAt’s kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR 
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT 
TC: DoInG ThAt’s tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT 
TC: As iN TrOlLeD 
TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU 
TC: Im lIkE DoInG 
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY 
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o) 
TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs 
TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE 
TC: AnD WhEn i’m aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On 
TC: It’lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN’T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS 
TC: ThAt’s hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe 
TC: HoNk hOnK >:o) 
TG: oh god thats right 
TG: you were the best troll 
TG: i remember now 
TC: WhOa, I WaS? 
TG: yeah 
TG: i mean 
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible 
TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said 
TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW 

Here Gamzee’s doing what Dave says the trolls always do, ranting about how hard he’s about to get trolled with no ensuing substance. In his other conversation with Dave, after becoming evil, he is seriously mad at him and is trolling him, which is actually effective. I think this gives a decent contrast between Gamzee’s good and evil states.

TG: it was months ago for me 
TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing 
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit 
TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno 
TG: and then 
TG: you kinda got over that i guess 
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space 
TG: remember 

Here’s Dave foreshadowing Gamzee turning evil: his religion is ruined, and he’s suddenly apparently not awful at rapping. His evil twist comes as a shock to readers but is plenty foreshadowed: in this conversation several times and on this page. This is also the first time Gamzee is referred to as a juggalo.

TC: My mInD’S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT’S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe 

Don’t those pies rot Gamzee’s brain? He apparently thinks the contrary. This is also more foreshadowing. It’s already known that those slime pies, which Gamzee is addicted to, do funny things to a troll’s brain, so when he’s low on pies, his brain won’t be so funny.

TG: could be time shit 
TG: you might not have had the conversation yet 
TC: DoGg, I DoN’T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG 
TC: I DoN’T GeT TiMe 
TC: I WaSn’t tHe dUdE Of tImE 
TC: I WaS ThE 
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn 
TC: BaRd oF 
TC: FuCk 
TC: I FoRgOt :o( 

Even more foreshadowing. Gamzee forgot his own god tier title, and the fact that half of it is still withheld suggests that there’s more to him than we’ve seen.

TG: dude i was telling you 
TG: youve got to check this out 
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally 
TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit 
TC: Oh, MaN 
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn’t sEe hOw i wOuLdN’T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs 
TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that 
TG: that still makes no damn sense 
TG: but like 
TG: the thing youre looking for 
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck 
TG: your mirthful messiahs 
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao 
TG: anyway theyre here dude 
TG: check it out 
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs 
TC: :oO

The weird thing is, in Homestuck’s universe juggalos were probably inspired by people’s subconscious knowlege of Gamzee, rather than Gamzee being inspired by juggalos. The subjugglators are obviously a clown thing which I think was led by Gamzee’s ancestor, and Dirk mentioned that the Condesce was rumored to have recruited the ICP as dual presidents because they resembled her old form of government. In Homestuck as a comic, Gamzee is based on juggalos. In Homestuck’s universe, juggalos are based on Gamzee.

Gamzee watches the video and the panels progress like so…


He looks awed here…
This would look like a game face on Karkat but real irritation on Gamzee.
We’ve NEVER seen him angry like this. This is such a Karkat face.
Holy SHIT.


For the first time in the comic, he’s ANGRY. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if the other trolls learned about the stuff Hussie based them on. What if Eridan watched all the Harry Potter movies? Or Kanaya read the Twilight saga? Or Tavros watched some Peter Pan cartoon?

— centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] —

CT: D –> I’m attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure 

Equius’s first line here is letting you know, this conversation’s gonna be a doozy. Dave’s obviously gonna fuck with that troll some more, but this conversation’s going to soon go into an interesting direction which I’ll discuss as the conversation goes on.

TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow 
CT: D –> I see 
CT: D –> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual 
CT: D –> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG 
TG: no 
TG: well yeah 
TG: verbal pulse 
TG: rap battles 
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky 
TG: this is like 
TG: our religion man 
TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around 
CT: D –> Really 
CT: D –> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets 
CT: D –> Or the Earth equivalent 

What Dave says here reminds me of Terezi’s joking statements about what trolls do (sniffing each other’s sentences, having a troll Jegus). I guess that’s a parallel between those two.

TG: yeah well 
TG: used to be dictated 
TG: til the rapocalypse happened 
TG: i still believe though 
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way 
TG: that he will come 
TG: our savior 
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot 
TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy 
TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry 
CT: D –> I believe 
CT: D –> That this is probably nonsense 

This shows that Equius, despite his let’s say problem, does have some sense in his mind.

CT: D –> I’ve already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline 
CT: D –> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it 

Hey, aren’t trolls all about doublecrossing, especially in Equius’s caste? I guess that “deception” could be distinct from what trolls like doing so much. Also, his misconception about humans’ apparent “habit of deception” is amusing; it’s more like if a bunch of dumb douchebags keep asking you about human culture, it’s funnier to make shit up. Also because humans don’t have a fucking caste system, at least not a universal one.

TG: hahahahaha 
TG: douche 
CT: D –> Did I say something entertaining 

The deal with Equius is that he never tells jokes but is absurdly hilarious in the most fucked up ways just by being himself.

TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme 
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole 
CT: D –> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices 
CT: D –> But I’m not much of a poet 
TG: come on 
CT: D –> My poems are private 
TG: whatever dude 
TG: deprivatize them 
CT: D –> If you’re prepared to be particularly forceful about it 
CT: D –> I may be suitably disgusted to comply 
TG: just 
TG: take whatevers in there 
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin 
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets 
CT: D –> Yes 
CT: D –> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me 
CT: D –> Flowing 

Eww. This is such obvious innuendo I don’t even know what to say.

Dave’s rap has a few lines worth commenting on:

TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist 

Apparently Dave does block the trolls, even though he clearly never was as aggravated by them as John and Jade, mostly thinking they’re a bunch of idiots.

TG: so thoughtful to popul- 
TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix 

I love the word “hemoerotic” Dave coined. It’s punny and describes Equius’s “thing” pretty aptly.

CT: D –> But perhaps 
CT: D –> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time 
CT: D –> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme 
CT: D –> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities 
CT: D –> Let’s eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities 
CT: D –> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities 
CT: D –> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities 
TG: holy shit 
TG: what 
CT: D –> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft 
CT: D –> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec 
TG: what the fuck 
CT: D –> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are 
CT: D –> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar 
TG: oh god 
TG: ok stop 

Here Equius, just by being himself, creeps Dave out. Meanwhile, the trolls who are actually trying to be angry flamers all either get their ass handed to them or their victims’ eyes rolled all over their faces. Sometimes the best trolls are the ones that don’t try hard.

This picture exemplifies the weirdness of this new art style. The shade on the left of Dave’s head looks almost like he has a huge ear like he’s a monkey or something.
I’ve heard theories that this art style is deliberately kind of awkward, but I think it’s just regular weirdness.


CT: D –> Giving up on the treasure so easily 
CT: D –> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility 
CT: D –> As valuable an asset as strength is 
CT: D –> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG 
CT: D –> Such weapons require finesse to operate 
CT: D –> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging
CT: D –> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint 

Equius seems to think that people all have the same mindset and weird problems he does.

TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now 
TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude 

Dave outright admits that this dude creeps him out. As I said earlier, he’s an effective troll without trying to be effective.

CT: D –> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS
CT: D –> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield 
CT: D –> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands
CT: D –> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus 
CT: D –> I know what this is like 
TG: man 
TG: im not that strong ok 

TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk 

Oh, I guess that’s what Equius was talking about with Dave breaking swords easily.


Dave retrieves that sword from I guess slicing a column in half? It’s kind of hard to see how that worked. Equius gets horny I mean sweaty and dries off:



That little funny moment is over, time for more Dave/Terezi dialogue. I think Dave here is saving the best for last.

GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS! 
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3? 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T? 
TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started 
GC: TH1S 
GC: P4RTY 
GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D 
TG: god everything is about parties with you 
GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON 
TG: ok 
TG: lets see some fine art then 
GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU 
GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S 
GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S 
GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS 
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3 

I’m pretty sure that so far in this act, no Dave and Terezi conversation has gone without linking to a silly comic or gif or whatever.

GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3 
GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST 
TG: alright but 
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt 
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff 
TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever 
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D??? 
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY 
TG: well yeah thats what i thought too 
TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one 
TG: to piss him off 

“This guy thinks I’m hitting on you. Fuck him, I’ll keep doing it.”

GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3 
GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL? 
TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like 
TG: my grill is your goddamn prison 
TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker 
TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid 
TG: privy to what i flame broil from below 
TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger 
TG: hows it smell btw 
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS 
TG: yeah i thought so 

Is is what Karkat means by Dave hitting on Terezi?

GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS 
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D 
GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S! 
GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH 
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG! 
TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit 

I totally forgot about (or hadn’t read?) Terezi comparing Dave to Karkat in some ways. This might be why people ship them. But if you ask me, that’s more reason for them to clash than for them to apparently giggle together.

Speaking of shipping Dave and Karkat, despite the stuff in it that I always talk about how awful it is, I can’t wait until I get to the John/Dave/Karkat conversation way later so I can dissect that whole thing in a way I’m really proud of coming up with. Should I rename this series to Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck? Probably not yet since I renamed this post series not long ago I have a feeling it might turn into that when I get to the material leading to Game Over and the controversial paths the story takes following that. 

EDIT (9/23/2019): As I’m going through these posts and reformatting them for WordPress use, I have been constantly resisting the urge to edit them with retrospective thoughts, but this observation is too good to pass up: Dave’s reaction to Terezi comparing him to Karkat is exactly like Dirk’s reaction to god tier Calliope comparing him to Caliborn. Like Strider, like Strider I suppose.

GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG 
GC: BUT R34LLY 
GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3 
GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3 
GC: COOL3R >:] 
GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C 
TG: issues 
TG: what are you talking about 
GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3 
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S 
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S 
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS 
GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG 
GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY 
GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 
GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[ 

Terezi is getting psychoanalytical up in here.

TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me 
GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3 
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3 
GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS 
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO 
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S! 
GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3 
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?? 
GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T’S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW >:D 
TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me 
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 
GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y 
GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R 

Arc stuff I guess. I’ve seen this whole thing of the deal with Dave being described by readers so many times that it really isn’t much new to talk about that stuff so I won’t bother. The stuff I quoted explains much of it anyway.

GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y 
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S 
TG: not gonna happen 
GC: COM3 ON! 
GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M 
GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3 
GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY! 
GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP 
GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:| 

This covering-up-body-mutations parallel between Dave and Karkat is frankly a bit of a stretch. The kids’ eye colors are hardly ever talked about, not even brought up in physical descriptions like “that kid with brown hair and green eyes”, but the trolls’ blood colors are a VERY big deal in their society so of course you’d want to avoid showing a mutation that’ll surely get you killed. Even on Beforus, red blood will get you coddled excessively which is also no good.

Plus, Rose, Roxy, and arguably Dirk also have very odd eye colors. Nobody blinks an eye (heh) about any of them, not even the ones that aren’t behind sunglasses. Additionally, Dave got his sunglasses from his brother, presumably to make him be just like daddy. Nowadays Dave continually wearing these Stiller shades is more of his personal brand than anything else.


Weird creepy random close-up.


TG: hey look at this change of subject going down 
TG: about this comic 
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep 
GC: Y3S

TG: why 
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW 
GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D! 
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3 
TG: i dont feel tired 
TG: could be rose waking me up again 
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit 
GC: OH? 
TG: can you see in my dreams 
GC: NO >:[ 
TG: too bad 
TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason 
TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show 
GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO 
GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!! 

Here’s what just hit me: Terezi is fucking brilliant. She’s using her silly comics, which she and Dave both know he can’t say no to, to guide him around. That’s also how she gets Dave to summon Davesprite.

GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T 
GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:] 
TG: ok see ya

Dreams as sweet as he tastes. That’s such an amazing pun.

DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch 
DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast 

Going through the game way faster/different than usual is what happens when veterans assist you through it. Except the veterans aren’t a bunch of rad 20-year-olds who know all the cheat codes and hacks, they’re a group of gray-skinned douchebags who each have some kind of absurd gimmick.

2019 EDIT (I really need to cool off on those): I am 20 years old now and this line is really weird for me to read. If I wrote this same passage right now I’d probably say “a bunch of rad 25-year-olds”.

DAVE: is that how you pronounce that 
DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so 
DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh 

This is the weirdness of spoken dialogue shown in Homestuck in action: the joke here is that readers might not know how Caledfwlch is pronounced so Davesprite says it in a way that he thinks is right, but we don’t actually know that pronunciation. I read it as /cal-ed-foolch/.  Let’s Read Homestuck says it as /cal-ed-vulk/ which I think is the closest you can get to the Welsh pronunciation using English sounds.

DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game 
DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question 
DAVE: fuck yeah it is 
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something 
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better 
DAVE: yeah thats what i figured 
DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc 
DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options 

I love these chats about how stupid and absurd this game is. It’s a major theme how people talk about how this whole adventure is the dumbest thing ever, which brings Homestuck’s satirical nature to light. This remains strong in recent updates, with things like Dave talking about Rose’s supposed planet quest.

DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me 
DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it 
DAVE: should i just chuck it too 
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen 
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus’s minions 
DAVE: hes the denizen right 
DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge 
DAVE: isnt that like a greek god 
DAVE: or roman or whatever 
DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind 
DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much 
DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it 
DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back 
DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what 
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude 
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come 
DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work 
DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come 
DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off 

This chat about denizen stuff is interesting because it shows denizens being something other than stoic and cryptic. Then again, at this point we’re still pretty new to the concept of denizens, so maybe Hussie decided to fiddle with it a little after coming up with the idea.

DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword 
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out 
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing 
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear 
DAVE: really 
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out 
DAVE: thats kind of retarded 

This is a parallel between Dave and Rose regarding their supposed game roles which I’ve seen people point out. Just like playing the rain, the sword stuff might be a red herring quest. I’m pretty sure it’s deliberately super damn confusing.

DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of 
DAVESPRITE: release myself 
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing 
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me 
DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already 
DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright 
DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble 
DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them 
DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore 
DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up 

This seems to be the stage where players are done with needing sprites to guide them around. Assuming the idea that sprites are meant to eventually die off is true, breaking that idea leads to interesting stuff. On the battleship, Nannasprite and Jaspersprite are complacent with their lives as a grandma and a cat, but Davesprite becomes a tragic figure, feeling himself worthless as not at all the real Dave. That’s why I like the idea of Davepetasprite^2 being a thing, because it brings Davesprite’s arc in a way better direction. Some people resent that Davesprite just suddenly combined with Nepeta rather than working through his issues, but I think it’s actually pretty cool how that happened, with a whole new idea of heroism way beyond regular Dave stuff. All this is coming from someone who’s complained about several of the recent plot developments.

DAVE: where will you go 
DAVESPRITE: dunno 
DAVESPRITE: fly around 
DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe 
DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard 
DAVE: oh yeah 
DAVE: where do you think he is 
DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline 
DAVESPRITE: who knows 
DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him 
DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one 
DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that 
DAVE: yeah 
DAVE: ok good luck with that 
DAVESPRITE: thanks man

I like to think that over time, Davesprite gradually grew to respect his bro to some degree rather than Dave who has it in his mind that he was a huge asshole. There isn’t very solid evidence for that, rather just a headcanon I have.


Vriska puts Dave to sleep, Davesprite goes for the badass.


caw caw motherfuckers


See you next time as we meet a brand new character named Jade.


>> Part 33: Cthulhu Acid Trip Dreams

Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 19: Protagonist Origination Station

Introduction

< Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 >

Act 4, Part 5 of 6

Pages 1777-1908 (MSPA: 3677-3808)

 I use this same picture later in this post but it’s such a great panel that I’ll use it as a title picture.

I’ve seen people comment that this guy looks like some weirdo from Adventure Time.*

* If you’re wondering, about 3-4 years ago I followed that show, but then I quit, and from what I hear about it, it really got kind of weird. There’s stuff about the punky vampire girl not wanting to be a vampire anymore??? Sounds like she’s a character with complications and stuff, which ties in with the fact that I’ve seen people compare her to Vriska.

Last post we went over a whole bunch of stuff, like angry guys killing their bosses because of stupid clothes and girls throwing F1 keys at guys with 3-D glasses and demonic puppets miraculously landing on lightning-fast rocket boards and that sort of stuff. Now we get to watch AR? rocking it out on Bro’s rocket board through an asteroid belt. PM? is also up to stuff, getting ready to board a shuttle to the battlefield to find the white king. Then a clone of Clubs Deuce in a ridiculous outfit known as the Courtyard Droll appears and steals the magic ring. I really like how this bozo’s debut is played out, making a dramatic entrance starting with the tip of his crazy hat as he creeps up and steals a ring. He’s really short and could be sneaky, if only he didn’t love crazy hats so much. Nonetheless, he succeeds in stealing the ring. He gets a message from the Draconian Dignitary to give him that ring. In that message, the titles of the other three Derse agents are all revealed, specifically the ones whose acronyms are the same as those of the Midnight Crew. Speaking of the Midnight Crew, this message shows us how each of the quartet of Derse agents is given a different task to do, just like what the Midnight Crew does. This is done even more systematically with the alpha kids’ Derse agents, where each is assigned to kill a kid; funnily enough, the Droll is the only one of those agents who succeeds at his job. Just then, Jade, after over 100 pages without her, has her dream self make a dramatic entrance, beating up the Droll, taking the ring, and putting it on, even though it doesn’t do anything to humans.

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Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 18: Snooping Nerds and Dream Dancers

Introduction

< Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 >

Act 4, Part 4 of 6

Pages 1660-1776 (MSPA: 3560-3676)

He was that close.

Last post we saw how Davesprite came to be, ending with the two Daves chatting and John blasting off despite Dave asking him not to. Now, John has a flashback to Act 1, where he is delighted to get the bunny from Con Air from Dave, and we get to read the letter Dave sent with it. He talks about how ridiculous it is that John unironically likes that horrendous movie, but his sincere naiveté is what’s cool about him. John remembers getting this letter and reconsiders blasting off to his seventh gate. He talks to Dave about how he came to his senses and remembered how Dave does care about him.

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