Neat-looking blog view I just got done

NOTE: This post is basically meaningless now that this blog has been migrated to WordPress, but I’m preserving it anyway because why not.

So I just got done giving most of my blog posts title pictures that are done in such a way that blog views which show a rundown of each post will have a picture for each post. And the blog post tiles in the flipcard view look REALLY nice:

I could stare at this shit for hours.

If you’re wondering how I did that, it’s simple: for each post, the first picture that’s uploaded from your computer (not from an image URL) will be the one used to represent the post. If there’s no such pictures there won’t be such a picture for the post, which is why most of my posts previously didn’t have representing images in those blog views.

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 32: The Bard of Fuck I Forgot

Introduction

Part 31 | Part 32 | Part 33 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 5 of 32

Pages 2793-2840 (MSPA: 4693-4740)



I am debating with myself whether it’s clichéd to start putting in “Where I…” between the title pictures of my posts and the first pictures. Because I want to have something between those pictures or it just looks awkward. Then again I have nothing between the title and following pictures in many of the posts where I retroactively added title pictures.


John connects to Jade and gets ready to do some important stuff until…

She’s back!


Nanna makes her classic pranking entrance and summons a bed to catch John and his stuff.

JOHN: nanna, what the heck!!!
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo hoo!
NANNASPRITE: John, you remind me so much of your father when he was your age. He was just as easily bested by this crafty old prankstress!
JOHN: really?
NANNASPRITE: Yes. It would be many years before he would take the gambit in an exchange with your nanna.
JOHN: but nanna, did you know he is not really my dad? and also, i am not technically your grandson.
JOHN: you are actually sort of my mother.
NANNASPRITE: Of course I knew this, John! I have known for many years. 

It’s never really stated how the guardians know all that stuff; the deal with them is that they somehow know stuff about Sburb. Did she know this through being raised by the Condesce who also seemed to know stuff about Sburb?

NANNASPRITE: I have also known that in a sense, you are my father as well. You were the one to push all those buttons, after all! 
JOHN: huh, oh yeah. 
JOHN: don’t you find it all a little strange? 
NANNASPRITE: John, I am the ghost of an old lady with one arm who is dressed like a clown. Why would that seem strange to me?

This might be my favorite Nannasprite line.

NANNASPRITE: Yes! It seems you have been rising through the rungs of your echeladder quite swiftly. 
JOHN: yeah! 
JOHN: now i am an ectobiolo… 
JOHN: ectobiblio… shit! 
JOHN: (oops! sorry.) 

John here apologizes for swearing in front of Nanna. Some people seem to think that John only ever uses the so-called “minced oaths” (like gosh and darn), but here he lets out a profanity in front of his grandma.

NANNASPRITE: Yes, that is quite high. You have climbed so much faster than I did in my youth. I am so proud of you! 

Is Nanna saying that she, too, had an echeladder as a kid?? I never realized that. If she’s saying what I think she is, I guess Homestuck’s game mechanics have existed in the comic’s world before video games even existed. That’s weird to imagine, young George Washington achieving the [insert goofy name here] rank and earning 2000 boondollars or whatever for doing whatever he did as a kid.



NANNASPRITE: Here, John. Take this.

JOHN: ok. what is it? 
NANNASPRITE: You can use it to summon me wherever you go. 
NANNASPRITE: Now we needn’t endure those long spells without a good visit! 
JOHN: oh cool, that is great! 

Didn’t John talk to Nannasprite from afar in the Act 4 opening minigame? It’s never really explained how that was done.

Nanna prepares some food for John and…


So, are Chinese finger traps among the inventory of stuff Nanna can summon or what?


This transitions us to Rose with her laptop next to her, hassled by three trolls.


This is the first of several non-walkaround scenes that are shown in 8-bit mode.
It would’ve been cool if there was a little selection screen to pick which troll to answer first.


These chumps just won’t quit hounding you! 

It’s like they heard somebody over here was handing out asses, and they’ve known nothing but years of bitter ass famine.

I automatically read the second sentence in Let’s Read Homestuck’s Dave voice. If I’m bored I’ll often just watch one of their videos, and I’ve gotten pretty used to all their voices.

And here’s the first appearance of this new painting-like art style. It didn’t really stick.


CA: wwho are you tryin to convvince wwith this ludicrous poppycock 
TT: ? 
CA: magic is NOT REAL 
CA: wwhatevver youre doin its not real its somethin else outright entirely 
CA: its fancy and impressivve and all but its not the fuckin figmental storybook claptrap you wwanna make out like it is 
CA: so howw about you get off your high skyhorse 
TT: Why do you keep addressing me as if I’m some sort of spokesperson for the reality of magic? 
TT: You can’t needle me into a defensive posture on the subject. I just don’t care. 
CA: youre not usin magic just DEAL WW IT 
TT: Fine. You win. 
TT: These are science wands. I am a charlatan. 

Is this where Eridan got the idea for his science s(h)tick (I’m so proud of this pun)?

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

This is one of several times troll misconceptions cause the kids to think “what the fuck are you talking about”. Eridan here is falsely deducing a whole weird idea of what Rose’s life was like, which reminds me of John speculating about the trolls being time travelers sent to study humans a few posts ago. Also, I love Rose’s last line in that bit I quoted.

CA: see this is good i think this could be a good thing 
TT: What? 
CA: this thing wwe got goin 
CA: you obvviously hate me and i think i got it in me to get the dark propensities smolderin 
CA: and wwere both obvviously dangerous elites in nature 
CA: i think theres somethin there i mean look at howw you evven came into the wworld 
TT: And how was that? 
CA: killed a fuckin fuck ton of marine life accidental 
CA: doin thats all i evver done practically the ocean wwas my killin cauldron 

It’s amusing as shit the way this guy hits on people.

TT: Accidentally? 
TT: Or on porpoise? 

Eridan probably saw this fish pun, obviously meant as mockery, as advances to him or something.

CA: wwell fine you dont havve to behavve vvillainous if youre bent up on actin against the grain a your nobility or somesuch 
CA: i can play that role its not like i evver didnt get my gils dirty before 
TT: Nobility? What are you talking about? 
CA: wwell arent you 
TT: No. What gave you that idea? 
CA: the wway you 
CA: ok 
CA: i had a misconclusion about that so my fault 
CA: obvviously you got rich blood so maybe when you crash landed you wwerent recognized for it by wwhatevver vvehicle upholds the class structure in human society 
TT: That is exactly what happened. You figured it out. 
CA: must of been fuckin brutal raisin up a commonblood wwhen you knew you wwere better than evverybody and its probably got you all messed up inside but maybe theres hope for you 
CA: see i got a lot a experience bein nobility so ill let you knoww if you got a shot in hell at cuttin it pinkscarf 
TT: … 
CA: fakemage pinkscarf howw does that sound 
TT: You’re a complete idiot. 

We don’t actually see much of trolls teaching kids troll romance. The whole little part where John <3< Terezi is established as a potential thing is an example but I’m not sure there’s that much else. Oh, and Kanaya telling Rose stuff about troll romance in that date scene which I like to think is a parody of lesbian fanfictions.

CA: yeah and in return maybe you could teach me howw to bullshit magic like that 
TT: You want to learn magic? 
CA: yes teach me your secrets wwitch 
TT: Sure. Let’s begin. 
TT: Consider this your first lesson in showmanship.


caligulasAquarium’s [CA’S] computer exploded.

What’s better than remotely blowing up someone’s computer? It almost seems like the Thorns of Oglogoth, like sprite powers, have new powers as the plot demands: blasting dark magic to kill enemies, destroying and levitating buildings from afar, flying yourself around, and now blowing up computers in other incipispheres.

— apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] —

AA: what d0 y0u think y0ure d0ing!

Aradia’s first line in her conversation with Rose has an exclamation point. When dead Aradia uses exclamation points, that’s how you know shit must be serious.

AA: just st0p
AA: st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p st0p
AA: maybe if i say st0p en0ugh s0mething else will happen instead 0f the thing that d0es 
TT: Hi.
AA: y0u arent g0ing t0 st0p are y0u
TT: Do you want me to stop using magic too?
AA: n0 i d0nt care ab0ut that
AA: its y0ur quest t0 tear y0ur sessi0n apart
AA: i kn0w its exciting
AA: breaking stuff
AA: and n0t w0rrying ab0ut it
AA: but there are c0nsequences t0 hum0ring y0ur destructive impulses
AA: and c0nsequences t0 f0ll0wing
TT: ?
AA: what they say
TT: Who?
AA: y0u kn0w wh0 

Here we have the fatalistic troll warning someone who’s being the exact opposite of fatalistic that what she’s doing won’t work. And the worst part here is, she’s actually right. Rose ends up being something of a pawn, her destructive actions being exactly what’s “supposed to happen”.

AA: i just wish
AA: back when i was behaving recklessly
AA: i had s0me0ne t0 tell me t0 st0p listening
AA: even if i ended up ign0ring their advice
AA: it w0uld have been nice 

Maybe Sollux could’ve served that role? He’s a pretty anti-fatalistic guy, with his intents to do good rather than to serve forces of destiny. But he probably accepted that his and Aradia’s inner voices are just a thing that exists, especially because low-blooded trolls tend to have psychic abilities like that.

TT: What did they tell you?
AA: i was assured i w0uld be saving my race 

Aradia said in the trolls’ arc that she knew that creating Sburb would destroy the world and that she merely tricked Sollux into creating it by telling him otherwise. Did she used to think that their actions would save the race until her voices told her otherwise or what?

AA: which is maybe still true i d0nt kn0w
AA: but if it is then it will be the punchline t0 the vast j0ke
TT: Is that anything like the ultimate riddle? 

I wonder if Rose knows at this point what the Ultimate Riddle is. Karkat explained it to John back in Act 4, and Rose may have figured it out from all the planet exploration/destruction quest stuff she’s been doing. We saw how much she already knew in that conversation with John a while back.

AA: im thr0ugh with c0nsci0usly c0ntributing t0 inevitable 0utc0mes
TT: Well,
TT: Aren’t you doing that regardless? Right now?
AA: 0bvi0usly
AA: but im just talking
AA: maybe the things i say will indirectly trigger y0ur critical acti0ns
AA: maybe n0t wh0 kn0ws
AA: maybe!!! 

OK, the way Aradia acted in Alterniabound clearly wasn’t a one-off thing; she has indeed become pretty bitter after becoming a robot.

AA: didnt see that 0ne c0ming did y0u pspace??? + ?*rand(413^612)
AA: oh look and now i suddenly refuse to type zeroes in my sentences
AA: isnt that crazy! who thought that was even a possibility
AA: bslick never would have imagined THAT little vestibule of probability was tucked somewhere in his huge glistening blow sack
AA: ribbit ribbit ribbit
AA: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT
AA: I JUST CONTROLLED THE RIBBITS AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY
TT: O_O
AA: hahaha!
AA: 0h w0w im sure y0u were just being faceti0us with that but y0u have n0 idea h0w funny that is right n0w
AA: y0u had n0 way 0f kn0wing thats a thing i d0 all the time but with zer0es
AA: this is great
AA: i think im 0n t0 s0mething here
AA: maybe if i dig deep en0ugh int0 my circuitry and rer0ute all 0f my reserve p0wer thr0ugh my quantum based rand0m number generat0r i can pr0duce behavi0r s0 c0mpletely 0ff the wall that parad0x space will have n0 ch0ice but t0 change everything!
TT: You have circuitry?
AA: maybe i will also rig my p0wer s0urce t0 the 0utc0me 0f the functi0n and rand0mly bl0w myself up!
AA: that w0uld be just
AA: really
AA: really
AA: really*rand(rand(rand(rand(rand(0M)*0M)*0M)*0M)*0M) where 0M = s0me number drawn quite at rand0m fr0m 0ne 0f y0ur absurd human hats
AA: !~M~0~D~N~A~R 

Here’s a weird fit Aradia throws about predestination. It’s followed shortly by a command for Aradia to randomly explode—it’s convincing and easy to fall for, but she denies the command, not even doing it in the following page. I fell for that command in my second read.

Apparently she’s standing on top of that captcha-card-shaped thing. Out of context it just looks like a staircase. I guess she flew on there but it’s still weird.


AC: :33 < pst :oo
TT: Yes?
AC: :33 < heyyyyyyyyyy
TT: Why, what ever could you want?
AC: :33 < ummmmmmmmmm
TT: What could it be? I am completely confounded.
AC: :33 < sorry to bother you again!
AC: :33 < is
AC: :33 < um
TT: Is what?
AC: :33 < he available?
TT: Who?
TT: What is the name of this mystery fellow you seek?
AC: :33 < aaaaa youre just teasing me now!
AC: :33 < i f33l bad about bugging you about it
AC: :33 < but do you think you could purrhaps please spare your computer for just the most fl33ting of moments?
AC: :33 < i miss pounce a lot :((
AC: :33 < and talking to him reminds me of her
AC: :33 < sorry for the hassle 

Nepeta is really apologetic here. I guess this is what happened to her view of the kids after trying and failing to befriend them as she says she did in Alterniabound.

TT: It’s ok. I understand.
TT: I think I have a more permanent solution.
TT: I mean purrmanent.
AC: :33 < yay! :OO

This pun here seems more friendly than mockery like in her conversation with Eridan. Rose has clearly warmed up to the trolls. She and Dave seem to have generally thought the trolls to be a bunch of morons rather than rude assholes.


Rose summons Jaspersprite and gives him her old laptop, obvious outgrowing symbolism here. I think the deal with her arc at this point might be growing up too fast? It’s only been like 8 hours or something and this much stuff has happened. I guess that’s webcomic time for you.

JASPERSPRITE: Did you learn to play the rain rose?
ROSE: Not yet, Jaspers.
ROSE: It’s a little complicated, but I believe I’ve embarked on another quest, one which surpasses the scope of the objectives local to this planet.
JASPERSPRITE: Meow what :3
ROSE: I’m saying there’s something more important to accomplish now. Something more important than creating a universe.
JASPERSPRITE: Oh thats ok rose i wouldnt want you to feel obligated to do that.
JASPERSPRITE: I think that winning this game and getting the prize is up to you and your friends.
JASPERSPRITE: You get to decide whether or not you feel its right to do that and what kind of prize you want to make!
JASPERSPRITE: Its part of becoming who youre supposed to become i think.
JASPERSPRITE: But i really think you should consider going on the quest i said anyway! 

It’s been canonically brought up that maybe wrecking stuff was Rose’s real quest tied in with her real development of a person and playing the rain was just a fake thing. But Jaspersprite does seem to be honest here about Rose’s planet quest. As I said in Act 4, many readers are convinced Rose will end up playing the rain one way or another, and this may be the main reason why.

JASPERSPRITE: It was fun getting to be your cat again rose even if it was just for a little while and also while being a princess ghost. 
JASPERSPRITE: Bye rose! 

These lines bring Jaspersprite’s return to relevance as Jasprosesprite^2 being a thing to mind. At first she found cat and owner combining with each other to be a great thing for both of them, but now she’s suffering exactly what’s happening with Davesprite, which is why I feel that squared sprite won’t last forever. Maybe she’ll unfuse somehow and the Rose she was can return to catching up with the meteor crew’s version from her timeline. Maybe unfusing sprites is within Dirk’s arsenal of god tier abilities? I’m not sure. I kind of hope that happens in some way, given how Jasprose talked about her sadness about not being able to be with Kanaya and whatnot.

ROSE: See you, Jaspers! 
ROSE: If you see my mother in the course of your travels, tell her I said hello. 
JASPERSPRITE: Ok I will do that! :3

This bit brings Jaspersprite’s whole reunion with Roxy way later to mind.


Dave talks to another batch of three trolls.

TC: AlRiGhT My pInKeSt oF MoThErFuCkIn sTaR MoNkEyS 
TC: ArE YoU ReAdY 
TC: To gEt tHe hOrNs yOu dOnT HaVe 
TC: CoNfIsCaTeD AlL LiKe tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN HoNkTrAbAnD ThEy aRe 
TC: BeInG AlL IlLiCiT As tHe vAsT JoKe iTsElF 
TC: AnD ThEn 
TC: HaNdEd aT RiGhT BaCk tO YoU? 
TG: what 
TC: HaHa, SeE BrO, tHiS Is hOw i rOlL 
TC: I SuPpLy tHe hOrNs tOwArD YoU, mEtApHoRiCaLlY SpEaKiNg 
TC: SeE, lIkE 
TC: ThAt’s kInD Of a tRoLl mEtApHoR 
TC: YoU GeTtInG YoUr hOrNs aLl hAnDeD To yOu, If yOu pEePs aNaToMiCaLlY WeRe sUcH To bE LiKe tHaT 
TC: DoInG ThAt’s tO MeAn lIkE YoU GoT MoThErFuCkIn sAsSeD OuT 
TC: As iN TrOlLeD 
TC: BuT BrO WhEn i tElL ThAt nOiSe aT YoU 
TC: Im lIkE DoInG 
TC: A DoUbLe mEtApHoR AlL ThE WaY 
TC: AcRoSs sKaIa :o) 
TC: BeCaUsE My hOrNs iM AlL AbOuT ArE ThEsE FuNnY HoNk hOrNs InStEaD oF hEaD hOrNs 
TC: LiKe wHaT DoEs cLoWnS UsE 
TC: AnD WhEn i’m aLl tO InViTe yOu tO GeT A LiTtLe mOtHeRfUcKiN SqUeEzE On 
TC: It’lL Be a dOwNeD In, StRaIgHt fLaT, bOaRd sIdEd mIrAcLe iF YoU DoN’T GeT ScArEd sHiTtEnT ClOwNcArS 
TC: ThAt’s hOw wE PlAy tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN GaMe 
TC: HoNk hOnK >:o) 
TG: oh god thats right 
TG: you were the best troll 
TG: i remember now 
TC: WhOa, I WaS? 
TG: yeah 
TG: i mean 
TG: in the most ironic and hilarious ways possible 
TG: but that really shouldnt even need to be said 
TC: ShIt, I MuSt hAvE GoT To nOt rEmEmBeRiNg tHiS SoMeHoW 

Here Gamzee’s doing what Dave says the trolls always do, ranting about how hard he’s about to get trolled with no ensuing substance. In his other conversation with Dave, after becoming evil, he is seriously mad at him and is trolling him, which is actually effective. I think this gives a decent contrast between Gamzee’s good and evil states.

TG: it was months ago for me 
TG: you did your bizarrely oblivious juggalo thing 
TG: then bitched and moaned at me for ruining your religion or some horseshit 
TG: like i guess a weird crisis in faith i dunno 
TG: and then 
TG: you kinda got over that i guess 
TG: and we both proceeded to have one of the best rap-offs in the history of paradox space 
TG: remember 

Here’s Dave foreshadowing Gamzee turning evil: his religion is ruined, and he’s suddenly apparently not awful at rapping. His evil twist comes as a shock to readers but is plenty foreshadowed: in this conversation several times and on this page. This is also the first time Gamzee is referred to as a juggalo.

TC: My mInD’S NoT ThAt sHaRp nOw tHoUgH, iT’S BeEn aGeS SiNcE I HaD A GoOd pIe 

Don’t those pies rot Gamzee’s brain? He apparently thinks the contrary. This is also more foreshadowing. It’s already known that those slime pies, which Gamzee is addicted to, do funny things to a troll’s brain, so when he’s low on pies, his brain won’t be so funny.

TG: could be time shit 
TG: you might not have had the conversation yet 
TC: DoGg, I DoN’T KnOw tHaT Im aT A PlAcE To eVeN CoNtEmPlAtE FoR EnTeRtAiNiNg tHaT KiNd oF ThInG 
TC: I DoN’T GeT TiMe 
TC: I WaSn’t tHe dUdE Of tImE 
TC: I WaS ThE 
TC: ThE MoThErFuCkIn 
TC: BaRd oF 
TC: FuCk 
TC: I FoRgOt :o( 

Even more foreshadowing. Gamzee forgot his own god tier title, and the fact that half of it is still withheld suggests that there’s more to him than we’ve seen.

TG: dude i was telling you 
TG: youve got to check this out 
TG: trust me itll lift your spirits shit will all make sense to you finally 
TG: youll finally figure out who you are and why you worship all this ridiculous clown bullshit 
TC: Oh, MaN 
TC: ThIs sOuNdS AmAzInG, i cAn’t sEe hOw i wOuLdN’T Be aLl kIcKiNg tHe wIcKeD ShIt oUt Of sUcH KiNdS Of oPpOrTuNiTiEs 
TG: and also why your planet has faygo for some baffling reason
TG: actually no nevermind it doesnt explain that 
TG: that still makes no damn sense 
TG: but like 
TG: the thing youre looking for 
TG: your dark clownish salvation or whatever the fuck 
TG: your mirthful messiahs 
TG: ahahahaha i cant even type that without lmao 
TG: anyway theyre here dude 
TG: check it out 
TG: http://tinyurl.com/MoThErFuCkInMiRaClEs 
TC: :oO

The weird thing is, in Homestuck’s universe juggalos were probably inspired by people’s subconscious knowlege of Gamzee, rather than Gamzee being inspired by juggalos. The subjugglators are obviously a clown thing which I think was led by Gamzee’s ancestor, and Dirk mentioned that the Condesce was rumored to have recruited the ICP as dual presidents because they resembled her old form of government. In Homestuck as a comic, Gamzee is based on juggalos. In Homestuck’s universe, juggalos are based on Gamzee.

Gamzee watches the video and the panels progress like so…


He looks awed here…
This would look like a game face on Karkat but real irritation on Gamzee.
We’ve NEVER seen him angry like this. This is such a Karkat face.
Holy SHIT.


For the first time in the comic, he’s ANGRY. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if the other trolls learned about the stuff Hussie based them on. What if Eridan watched all the Harry Potter movies? Or Kanaya read the Twilight saga? Or Tavros watched some Peter Pan cartoon?

— centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] —

CT: D –> I’m attempting to determine what it is that ranks humans in their class stru%ure 

Equius’s first line here is letting you know, this conversation’s gonna be a doozy. Dave’s obviously gonna fuck with that troll some more, but this conversation’s going to soon go into an interesting direction which I’ll discuss as the conversation goes on.

TG: on earth class is sorted out by who can drop the most delirious flow 
CT: D –> I see 
CT: D –> So, in other words, a sort of b100d letting ritual 
CT: D –> To assess whose pulse is steadiest and thus whose flow is the most STRONG 
TG: no 
TG: well yeah 
TG: verbal pulse 
TG: rap battles 
TG: the kings of wordtech ascend to godhood and look down on us patriarchally like urban watermarks in the sky 
TG: this is like 
TG: our religion man 
TG: its fucking serious business its like what our whole culture revolves around 
CT: D –> Really 
CT: D –> So your social e%elons are dictated by the noble artform of the ancient slam poets 
CT: D –> Or the Earth equivalent 

What Dave says here reminds me of Terezi’s joking statements about what trolls do (sniffing each other’s sentences, having a troll Jegus). I guess that’s a parallel between those two.

TG: yeah well 
TG: used to be dictated 
TG: til the rapocalypse happened 
TG: i still believe though 
TG: in my heart so long as it keeps thumping the righteous beat
TG: subwoofing out devotion every which way 
TG: that he will come 
TG: our savior 
TG: was foretold hed come after meteors show up to drop it like its hot 
TG: and hed gather up the ashes of our civilization and lift it like its heavy 
TG: fuck im tearing up my ishades are gonna fry 
CT: D –> I believe 
CT: D –> That this is probably nonsense 

This shows that Equius, despite his let’s say problem, does have some sense in his mind.

CT: D –> I’ve already been hornswoggled repeatedly by your comrades, who I quite reasonably mistook for your superiors in b100dline 
CT: D –> Your race makes a habit of deception, and I will not tolerate it 

Hey, aren’t trolls all about doublecrossing, especially in Equius’s caste? I guess that “deception” could be distinct from what trolls like doing so much. Also, his misconception about humans’ apparent “habit of deception” is amusing; it’s more like if a bunch of dumb douchebags keep asking you about human culture, it’s funnier to make shit up. Also because humans don’t have a fucking caste system, at least not a universal one.

TG: hahahahaha 
TG: douche 
CT: D –> Did I say something entertaining 

The deal with Equius is that he never tells jokes but is absurdly hilarious in the most fucked up ways just by being himself.

TG: if youre gonna spit that kind of bravado at me im just saying put it in rhyme 
TG: lets hear what you got tooly mcsnoothole 
CT: D –> I try to stay engaged with many aristocratic practices 
CT: D –> But I’m not much of a poet 
TG: come on 
CT: D –> My poems are private 
TG: whatever dude 
TG: deprivatize them 
CT: D –> If you’re prepared to be particularly forceful about it 
CT: D –> I may be suitably disgusted to comply 
TG: just 
TG: take whatevers in there 
TG: that brorage lust youre feelin 
TG: turn that bitch inside out like a broke ass millionaires pockets 
CT: D –> Yes 
CT: D –> Those are the sorts of assertive statements which could get me 
CT: D –> Flowing 

Eww. This is such obvious innuendo I don’t even know what to say.

Dave’s rap has a few lines worth commenting on:

TG: more chock full than sad trollian villains cloggin my blocklist 

Apparently Dave does block the trolls, even though he clearly never was as aggravated by them as John and Jade, mostly thinking they’re a bunch of idiots.

TG: so thoughtful to popul- 
TG: -ate my slate with propositions to copulate to a spate of hemoerotic hotpix 

I love the word “hemoerotic” Dave coined. It’s punny and describes Equius’s “thing” pretty aptly.

CT: D –> But perhaps 
CT: D –> To divine class divides in unclassified swine is butchering time 
CT: D –> Your fauna I find requires too little strength to savage in rhyme 
CT: D –> I fear inferiors have monopolized my highest priorities 
CT: D –> Let’s eschew crude inferiors, pursue nude superiorities 
CT: D –> Review z001ogical peculiarities, great stalking enormities 
CT: D –> Fle%ing in unison, baying at moons within fraternal sororities 
TG: holy shit 
TG: what 
CT: D –> Great musclebeasts tussle, bu%om in heft 
CT: D –> With thunderous muscle, buttock to spec 
TG: what the fuck 
CT: D –> Connect blows to discover, how invincible pecs are 
CT: D –> Venture low to uncover, his inimitable nectar 
TG: oh god 
TG: ok stop 

Here Equius, just by being himself, creeps Dave out. Meanwhile, the trolls who are actually trying to be angry flamers all either get their ass handed to them or their victims’ eyes rolled all over their faces. Sometimes the best trolls are the ones that don’t try hard.

This picture exemplifies the weirdness of this new art style. The shade on the left of Dave’s head looks almost like he has a huge ear like he’s a monkey or something.
I’ve heard theories that this art style is deliberately kind of awkward, but I think it’s just regular weirdness.


CT: D –> Giving up on the treasure so easily 
CT: D –> It strikes me as an artifact rooted in universal lore of nobility 
CT: D –> As valuable an asset as strength is 
CT: D –> And as much as anyone with his wits is fond of being STRONG 
CT: D –> Such weapons require finesse to operate 
CT: D –> And surely in this case, to retrieve without damaging
CT: D –> Hence your no doubt frustrating restraint 

Equius seems to think that people all have the same mindset and weird problems he does.

TG: ok im kinda starting to wonder why youre bugging me now 
TG: youre a fuckin creepy dude 

Dave outright admits that this dude creeps him out. As I said earlier, he’s an effective troll without trying to be effective.

CT: D –> Yes, and now, being learned in the ways of STRONGNESS
CT: D –> You like myself are unfortunately limited in the weaponry you may wield 
CT: D –> Ironically the training which has ennobled you beyond others has made instruments of high b100d brittle in your hands
CT: D –> Hence the state of your favored weapon, hobbling your specibus 
CT: D –> I know what this is like 
TG: man 
TG: im not that strong ok 

TG: just cause i broke a cheap ass sword doesnt make me the fucking hulk 

Oh, I guess that’s what Equius was talking about with Dave breaking swords easily.


Dave retrieves that sword from I guess slicing a column in half? It’s kind of hard to see how that worked. Equius gets horny I mean sweaty and dries off:



That little funny moment is over, time for more Dave/Terezi dialogue. I think Dave here is saving the best for last.

GC: D4V3 GR34T N3WS! 
GC: 1 FOUND 4 DR4W1NG T4BL3T 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T TH4T M34NS D4V3? 
GC: DO YOU KNOW WH4T 1T M34NS W3 C4N G3T? 
TG: please dont say this party started please dont say this party started 
GC: TH1S 
GC: P4RTY 
GC: ST4RT3D!!!!! >8D 
TG: god everything is about parties with you 
GC: D4V3 TH3R3 1S NOTH1NG 3V3N CLOS3 TO B31NG B3TT3R TH4N P4RT13S, COM3 ON 
TG: ok 
TG: lets see some fine art then 
GC: WHY 1T JUST SO H4PP3NS TH4T 1 H4V3 4 FR3SH M4ST3RP13C3 FOR YOU 
GC: HOT OFF TH3 C4NV4S 
GC: 4ND ON TO YOUR COMPUT3R GL4SS3S 
GC: WH3R3 1T W1LL S1ZZL3 YOUR 3Y3B4LLS 
GC: TSSSSSSSSSSSSSS http://tinyurl.com/D4V3XD4V3 

I’m pretty sure that so far in this act, no Dave and Terezi conversation has gone without linking to a silly comic or gif or whatever.

GC: 1 4LR34DY 3XPL41N3D TH1S TO YOU D4V3 
GC: TH3 COOLK1D H4S TO B3 TH3 B3ST, 4ND 1 H4V3 TO M4K3 H1M TH3 B3ST 
TG: alright but 
TG: i mean even if that made sense which it kind of doesnt 
TG: karkat was saying how it was all a game and youre just flirtin and stuff 
TG: and that we should quit it because he doesnt want you in my grill or me in yours or whatever 
GC: OH, 1S TH4T WH4T H3 S41D??? 
GC: HMM 1 WOND3R 1F H3 COULD R33K OF J34LOUSY 4NY MOR3 PUNG3NTLY 
TG: well yeah thats what i thought too 
TG: and really if we got no other reason keep rolling with it at least theres that one 
TG: to piss him off 

“This guy thinks I’m hitting on you. Fuck him, I’ll keep doing it.”

GC: W3LL WH4T DO YOU TH1NK D4V3 
GC: 4M 1 1N YOUR HUM4N GR1LL? 
TG: im not saying i know for sure but it seems to me like 
TG: my grill is your goddamn prison 
TG: you are practically incarcerated in that fucker 
TG: doing hard time on a bed of charcoal and lighterfluid 
TG: privy to what i flame broil from below 
TG: what im sayin is you got a front row seat to the brown side of my burger 
TG: hows it smell btw 
GC: 1T SM3LLS L1K3 D3L1C1OUS BURN1NG 4N1M4LS 
TG: yeah i thought so 

Is is what Karkat means by Dave hitting on Terezi?

GC: YOU 4ND H1M 4R3 4L1K3 1N SOM3 W4YS 
GC: R34LLY BLUNT 4ND L1T3R4L M1ND3D 
GC: 4ND QU1T3 FR4NKLY JUST 4 L1TTL3 B1T T4CTL3SS WH3N 1T COM3S TO M4N4G1NG TH3 L4D13S! 
GC: H3 4LW4YS H4D TO KNOW 3X4CTLY WH4T TH3 D34L W4S 4ND 3X4CTLY WH4T MY MOT1V4T1ONS W3R3 4ND WH4T 3V3RYTH1NG M34NT 4ND BLUH BLUH BLUH 
GC: 1T T4K3S TH3 FUN OUT OF 3V3RYTH1NG! 
TG: thats pretty much the most insulting thing possible to say im anything like that raving gulf of shit 

I totally forgot about (or hadn’t read?) Terezi comparing Dave to Karkat in some ways. This might be why people ship them. But if you ask me, that’s more reason for them to clash than for them to apparently giggle together.

Speaking of shipping Dave and Karkat, despite the stuff in it that I always talk about how awful it is, I can’t wait until I get to the John/Dave/Karkat conversation way later so I can dissect that whole thing in a way I’m really proud of coming up with. Should I rename this series to Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck? Probably not yet since I renamed this post series not long ago I have a feeling it might turn into that when I get to the material leading to Game Over and the controversial paths the story takes following that. 

EDIT (9/23/2019): As I’m going through these posts and reformatting them for WordPress use, I have been constantly resisting the urge to edit them with retrospective thoughts, but this observation is too good to pass up: Dave’s reaction to Terezi comparing him to Karkat is exactly like Dirk’s reaction to god tier Calliope comparing him to Caliborn. Like Strider, like Strider I suppose.

GC: W3LL OK 1M SORT OF 3X4GG3R4T1NG 
GC: BUT R34LLY 
GC: SOM3 S1M1L4R1T13S 4R3 TH3R3 
GC: 1TS JUST YOUR 1SSU3S 4R3 
GC: COOL3R >:] 
GC: L3SS R1D1CULOUS 4ND TR4G1C 
TG: issues 
TG: what are you talking about 
GC: W3LL, FOR 1NST4NC3 
GC: K4RK4T W4S 4LW4YS TORM3NT3D BY H1S P4ST 4ND FUTUR3 S3LV3S 
GC: 4ND TH31R M1ST4K3S 
GC: L1T3R4LLY TORM3NT3D BY TH3M 1N TH3S3 4BSURD SCH1ZOPHR3N1C M3MOS 
GC: 1T W4S 1D34L FU3L FOR H1S S3LF LO4TH1NG 
GC: H3 B3C4M3 OBS3SS3D W1TH H1MS3LF 4S 4N 3LUS1V3 4DV3RS4RY 
GC: R4TH3R TH4N JUST B31NG H1MS3LF 1N TH3 MOM3NT 4ND R34L1Z1NG WHO H3 W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 
GC: 4ND W4K1NG UP >:[ 

Terezi is getting psychoanalytical up in here.

TG: wow ok what does that have to do with me 
GC: NOTH1NG 1N 4 L1T3R4L S3NS3 
GC: BUT 1 H4V3 OBS3RV3D YOU D4V3 
GC: YOU 4R3 4LW4YS G3TT1NG B41L3D OUT OF J4MS 
GC: 4T F1RST BY YOUR BRO 
GC: 4ND TH3N BY YOUR OWN FUTUR3 S3LV3S! 
GC: 3V3N FUTUR3 D4V3SPR1T3 G3TS 1N ON TH3 4CT OF SHOW1NG UP POOR OLD PR3S3NT D4V3 
GC: WH3N DO3S PR3S3NT D4V3 G3T TO ST3P OUT OF TH3 SH4DOW OF 4LL THOS3 FUTUR3 D4V3S?? 
GC: WH3N DO3S H3 G3T TO B3 TH3 H3RO, TH4T’S WH4T 1 W4NT TO KNOW >:D 
TG: i dunno i guess maybe when i become future me 
GC: H4H4H4H4H4H4 
GC: TH4T 1S 3X4CTLY WH4T K4RK4T US3D TO S4Y 
GC: 1T W4S 4LW4YS TH3 4NSW3R 

Arc stuff I guess. I’ve seen this whole thing of the deal with Dave being described by readers so many times that it really isn’t much new to talk about that stuff so I won’t bother. The stuff I quoted explains much of it anyway.

GC: 4ND ON3 D4Y 
GC: YOU W1LL T4K3 OFF THOS3 DUMB GL4SS3S 4ND L3T M3 G3T 4NOTH3R SN1FF 4T YOUR 3Y3S 
TG: not gonna happen 
GC: COM3 ON! 
GC: 1 ONLY GOT ON3 L1TTL3 WH1FF 4T TH3M 
GC: WH3N YOU W3R3 4 T1NY P1NK W1GGL3R W1TH 4RMS 4ND L3GS S1TT1NG 1N 4 CR4T3R ON TH4T S4D HORS3 YOU 4T3 
GC: TH3Y W3R3 PR3TTY! 
GC: 1T 1S SO S3LF1SH OF YOU TO K33P TH3M COV3R3D UP 
GC: 4ND TH3 L4M3 S3CR3CY SURROUND1NG 1T 1S ONC3 4G41N R3M1ND1NG M3 OF 4 C3RT41N YOU KNOW WHO >:| 

This covering-up-body-mutations parallel between Dave and Karkat is frankly a bit of a stretch. The kids’ eye colors are hardly ever talked about, not even brought up in physical descriptions like “that kid with brown hair and green eyes”, but the trolls’ blood colors are a VERY big deal in their society so of course you’d want to avoid showing a mutation that’ll surely get you killed. Even on Beforus, red blood will get you coddled excessively which is also no good.

Plus, Rose, Roxy, and arguably Dirk also have very odd eye colors. Nobody blinks an eye (heh) about any of them, not even the ones that aren’t behind sunglasses. Additionally, Dave got his sunglasses from his brother, presumably to make him be just like daddy. Nowadays Dave continually wearing these Stiller shades is more of his personal brand than anything else.


Weird creepy random close-up.


TG: hey look at this change of subject going down 
TG: about this comic 
TG: are you saying im about to fall asleep 
GC: Y3S

TG: why 
GC: 1 DO NOT KNOW 
GC: M4YB3 YOU 4R3 R34LLY T1R3D! 
GC: YOU DROP SUDD3NLY 4ND SW1FTLY, L1K3 4N 3X3CUT3D F3LON F4C1NG N4PPY JUST1C3 
TG: i dont feel tired 
TG: could be rose waking me up again 
TG: bonkin me with yarn or some shit 
GC: OH? 
TG: can you see in my dreams 
GC: NO >:[ 
TG: too bad 
TG: last time i promised rose id take off my shades and look in the sky for some reason 
TG: youre gonna miss a hell of a show 
GC: BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH >XO 
GC: MOST 4WFUL COOLK1D!!!!! 

Here’s what just hit me: Terezi is fucking brilliant. She’s using her silly comics, which she and Dave both know he can’t say no to, to guide him around. That’s also how she gets Dave to summon Davesprite.

GC: NOW R3L34S3 M1ST3R OR4NG3 CR34MS1CL3S, ST4T 
GC: 4ND H4V3 DR34MS 4S SW33T 4S H3 T4ST3S >:] 
TG: ok see ya

Dreams as sweet as he tastes. That’s such an amazing pun.

DAVESPRITE: oh looks like you got caledfwlch 
DAVESPRITE: you found that pretty fast 

Going through the game way faster/different than usual is what happens when veterans assist you through it. Except the veterans aren’t a bunch of rad 20-year-olds who know all the cheat codes and hacks, they’re a group of gray-skinned douchebags who each have some kind of absurd gimmick.

2019 EDIT (I really need to cool off on those): I am 20 years old now and this line is really weird for me to read. If I wrote this same passage right now I’d probably say “a bunch of rad 25-year-olds”.

DAVE: is that how you pronounce that 
DAVESPRITE: yeah i guess so 
DAVESPRITE: i think its welsh 

This is the weirdness of spoken dialogue shown in Homestuck in action: the joke here is that readers might not know how Caledfwlch is pronounced so Davesprite says it in a way that he thinks is right, but we don’t actually know that pronunciation. I read it as /cal-ed-foolch/.  Let’s Read Homestuck says it as /cal-ed-vulk/ which I think is the closest you can get to the Welsh pronunciation using English sounds.

DAVE: what are welsh things doing in this game 
DAVESPRITE: thats an awesome question 
DAVE: fuck yeah it is 
DAVE: is this thing as pointless as i think it is or do i need it for something 
DAVESPRITE: tactically yeah its a downgrade since its what i used to make caledscratch which is obviously way better 
DAVE: yeah thats what i figured 
DAVESPRITE: caledscratch cycles the sword through its own timeline to points when its broken or nonbroken or old and rusted or recently forged etc 
DAVESPRITE: and your snoop snowcone swords probably even better than that so yeah you got options 

I love these chats about how stupid and absurd this game is. It’s a major theme how people talk about how this whole adventure is the dumbest thing ever, which brings Homestuck’s satirical nature to light. This remains strong in recent updates, with things like Dave talking about Rose’s supposed planet quest.

DAVE: so why wasnt this legendary pos in the sylladex you gave me 
DAVE: did you chuck it after you alchemized it 
DAVE: should i just chuck it too 
DAVESPRITE: it was stolen 
DAVESPRITE: by one of hephaestus’s minions 
DAVE: hes the denizen right 
DAVESPRITE: yeah lord of the forge 
DAVE: isnt that like a greek god 
DAVE: or roman or whatever 
DAVE: what is greco roman shit doing in here you know what never mind 
DAVESPRITE: yeah pretty much 
DAVESPRITE: anyway he gets pissed off you broke it 
DAVESPRITE: and he wants it back 
DAVESPRITE: to do something important with it though not really sure what 
DAVESPRITE: hes a pretty ornery dude 
DAVESPRITE: kept raving about how he was waiting for the forge to come 
DAVESPRITE: which he needs to complete his work 
DAVESPRITE: but in my timeline the forge would never come 
DAVESPRITE: so he was extra pissed off 

This chat about denizen stuff is interesting because it shows denizens being something other than stoic and cryptic. Then again, at this point we’re still pretty new to the concept of denizens, so maybe Hussie decided to fiddle with it a little after coming up with the idea.

DAVESPRITE: anyway that sword 
DAVESPRITE: its important to getting your shit figured out 
DAVESPRITE: you were supposed to break it to get it out of the thing 
DAVESPRITE: like another personal sort of mythological milestone you were supposed to clear 
DAVE: really 
DAVE: there was no other way to get it out 
DAVE: thats kind of retarded 

This is a parallel between Dave and Rose regarding their supposed game roles which I’ve seen people point out. Just like playing the rain, the sword stuff might be a red herring quest. I’m pretty sure it’s deliberately super damn confusing.

DAVESPRITE: ill just sort of 
DAVESPRITE: release myself 
DAVESPRITE: go do my own thing 
DAVESPRITE: after this i dont think youll need me 
DAVESPRITE: seems like youve got the stable time loop thing figured out already 
DAVESPRITE: which means youll be alright 
DAVESPRITE: future yous will get you out of trouble 
DAVESPRITE: if youre gonna live up to the responsibility of eventually becoming them 
DAVESPRITE: and by virtue of loop stability it sort of means you cant technically fuck up anymore 
DAVESPRITE: but dont let that idea go to your head itll mess you up 

This seems to be the stage where players are done with needing sprites to guide them around. Assuming the idea that sprites are meant to eventually die off is true, breaking that idea leads to interesting stuff. On the battleship, Nannasprite and Jaspersprite are complacent with their lives as a grandma and a cat, but Davesprite becomes a tragic figure, feeling himself worthless as not at all the real Dave. That’s why I like the idea of Davepetasprite^2 being a thing, because it brings Davesprite’s arc in a way better direction. Some people resent that Davesprite just suddenly combined with Nepeta rather than working through his issues, but I think it’s actually pretty cool how that happened, with a whole new idea of heroism way beyond regular Dave stuff. All this is coming from someone who’s complained about several of the recent plot developments.

DAVE: where will you go 
DAVESPRITE: dunno 
DAVESPRITE: fly around 
DAVESPRITE: up away to the sun like a fucknig piece of gargbage
DAVESPRITE: see if i can catch up with bro maybe 
DAVESPRITE: elusive bastard 
DAVE: oh yeah 
DAVE: where do you think he is 
DAVE: what happened to him in your timeline 
DAVESPRITE: who knows 
DAVESPRITE: i completely lost track of him 
DAVESPRITE: in that timeline and this one 
DAVESPRITE: the dude is fucking inscrutable we both know that 
DAVE: yeah 
DAVE: ok good luck with that 
DAVESPRITE: thanks man

I like to think that over time, Davesprite gradually grew to respect his bro to some degree rather than Dave who has it in his mind that he was a huge asshole. There isn’t very solid evidence for that, rather just a headcanon I have.


Vriska puts Dave to sleep, Davesprite goes for the badass.


caw caw motherfuckers


See you next time as we meet a brand new character named Jade.


>> Part 33: Cthulhu Acid Trip Dreams

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 31: Shipping Grids and Massive Walkarounds

Introduction

Part 30 | Part 31 | Part 32 >


Act 5 Act 2, Part 4 of 32


Pages 2784-2792 (MSPA: 4684-4692)


Pictured above: why this post covers only nine pages.


Welcome to post 31 of this whole big project. Honestly this is just filler text to make the gap between the title picture and the following picture less weird.


I wonder if this picture was deliberately meant to give an M.C. Escher vibe or if it’s just weirdness arising from visual callbacks (in this case calling back to the view up from Terezi’s hive).
Also, we can infer from John’s lack of panic sitting up here that he doesn’t have any fear of heights. Come to think of it, pretty much nobody in Homestuck seems to have fear of heights.


— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering arachnidsGrip [AG] — 


EB: hey vriska!
EB: ok, i still cannot find my nanna up here, so now i am just installing this game.
EB: what are you up to?
AG: John! What the hell. There are so many things wrong with what you just said.
AG: First of all, who told you you could just hassle me without warning like this? That’s not how this works!
EB: why not? you guys do it all the time.
AG: Yes, 8ecause we are trolling you! Those are the rules. We get to 8ug you any time we feel like, and you have to sit there and t8ke it like a chump.
EB: bluh…
AG: I am too 8usy to 8e fielding your nonsense at the drop of one of your a8surd human hats. I have a ridiculous num8er of irons in the fire. You will speak to me only when I am ready to contact you, is that clear????????
EB: that’s dumb. i’m going to talk to you whenever i want! 

Here, John is giving Vriska a status update out of his own will. I thought up some reasons last post as to why John feels the need to keep in touch with Vriska, and it’s still pretty interesting, especially because John is contacting Vriska rather than the other way around.

AG: Secondly, I am very pissed off that you figured out my name.
EB: well, i didn’t know it was your name for sure until you just told me now.
EB: so, haha.
AG: Dammit!
AG: Who told you?
EB: heheh, i am not telling.
EB: a true wise guy never reveals his tricks.
AG: I will find out who told you. And then I will m8ke them p8y.
EB: nuh uh! 

Here John is messing around with Vriska. He’s done that with other trolls (especially Karkat), but it still seems pretty indicative of a dynamic between them that he’s pulling Vriska’s strings or whatever. I’m not sure if I’m using the right idiom here.

EB: anyway, i was just wondering if you had a chance to watch that awesome video i linked you to?
AG: What video?
EB: you know…
EB: the one about the renegade hero who busted loose from the slammer to save the day.
AG: John, the way you descri8e movies makes them sound extremely stupid. Why would I want to watch this crap????????
EB: just do it, you won’t be sorry.
EB: i mean, when you are not so busy and have less irons in the fire or whatever. 

John’s awful taste in movies is always amusing.

EB: ok, i am starting this game now and saving jade, like a street tough maverick with nothing to lose.
EB: see ya, vriska!
AG: XXXX|
EB: oh, damn…
AG: ::::?

AG: What is it now!
EB: fuck.

This is John’s reaction to being bugged by Karkat. Callbacks (in this case to Dave being bugged by Karkat) aside, it’s a bit weird how John reacts like this when he’s warmed up to Karkat and thinks he’s amusingly dumb at worst.


You guess you can spare a moment to watch this terrible video. Why does that nerdy kid have to be so persuasive?

This narration line gives specific mention to John’s skill in persuasion. Vriska watches the video and…


If I remember, Vriska never admits to John that she thinks Nic Cage is super hot. And that’s probably for the best. As I’m writing this, for the first time ever, I’m contemplating John and Vriska sitting on a couch watching a massive marathon of Nic Cage movies. If John opted to join the post-retcon meteor crew, which it’s easy to forget totally could have happened, then there’s no way he and Vriska wouldn’t do just that.

CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.
EB: oh no.
EB: which conversation is this for you? your second or so?
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
EB: i mean…
EB: the second time you have spoken to me?
EB: or first??
CG: JOHN, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, THIS IS OUR TEN MILLIONTH CONVERSATION.
EB: oh.
EB: i thought you were going backwards though.
CG: I WAS
CG: GOT BACK TO THE BEGINNING
CG: AND THEN JUMPED AHEAD AGAIN A BUNCH OF TIMES.
CG: STOP BEING SO LINEAR, IT’S GETTING OLD.
CG: NOW I NEED YOU TO JOIN THIS MEMO SO WE CAN DISCUSS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.
EB: memo?
CG: CLICK THE AWESOME BANNER I MADE.
CG: 
EB: uh…
EB: ok.

John’s reaction to Karkat here is neutral, but Dave’s reaction exemplifies why he and Karkat immediately clash:

CG: HEY SHITHEAD YOU ARE IN HUGE TROUBLE.
CG: A WORD WITH YOU AND YOUR FRIEND.
TG: i thought you were asleep
CG: YES DAVE, I WAS ASLEEP AT ONE POINT.
CG: IT STANDS TO REASON I AM NOW AND WILL ALWAYS BE ASLEEP AT EVERY POINT ON ALL TIMELINES.
CG: THAT REALLY MAKES A LOT OF FUCKING SENSE.
CG: NOW YOU, ME, AND EGBERT NEED TO HAVE A CHAT.
CG: HERE I MADE A COOL BANNER USING SOME OF YOUR SHITTY EARTH CLIP ART.
CG: CLICK IT.
CG: 
TG: not cool
TG: luring me into your cyber boobytrap with shitty clip art who told you my weakness
CG: IT’LL WORK, WON’T IT?
TG: obviously

I think Dave actually meant it when he said that his weakness is shitty clip art. The whole thing about Dave and Karkat is that they annoy each other, even when they eventually consider each other good friends and get over their differences. The sudden apparent absence of rivalry post-retcon replaced with apparently giggling (?!) is part of why I don’t think the idea of them being in some kind of ambiguous relationship makes sense. You know what? In the memo that follows, I’m going to challenge myself not to about how godawful of a pairing those two are.

One of the funniest moments in Homestuck. I’ve read/listened to this like five times and it’s still hilarious.


DISCLAIMER (9/23/2019): As hilarious as this memo is, please take my commentary with a grain of salt. I was in huge denial that Dave and Karkat as a romantic pairing were even remotely viable, which is kind of funny because those two characters are quite clearly in denial too. Makes this whole pesterlog kind of hilarious to read in retrospect, like in a “what the fuck was I even THINKING” sort of way.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: what
CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: ok, i am here.
CEB: oh, hi dave!
CTG: hey
CEB: what is going on in here?
CTG: some kinda asshole rumpus looks like 

Here we can see that John willfully joins the memo, but Dave does only I guess to shut Karkat up?

?CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED.
CTG: ok later windbag
?CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF
?CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.
CEB: yeah, dave, don’t go!
CEB: i think we should listen to what he has to say. 

John does honestly think Karkat is going to say important stuff, but Dave thinks this whole thing will just be stupid.

?CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GOD DAMNED SECOND
?CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF HATEFRIENDLY ADVICE:
?CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH.
CTG: nah
CEB: haha, dave you’re hitting on terezi? really??
CTG: no
CTG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop
CTG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right
CTG: but what else is new just another lady from outer space mackin on me whatever chance she gets 

How does Karkat know Dave is “hitting on Terezi”? Does he look over Terezi’s shoulder at her computer? Or does he just watch what Dave sees through his iShades?

CEB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend?
?CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC.
?CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN’T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT’S RIGHT.
CTG: pretty sure she is
CTG: or he thinks she is or something
CTG: made it pretty obvious when he started ranting at me months ago 

From what Dave said here, apparently Karkat trolled Dave at least a little more than just this one time. He said earlier that he will only troll John and Jade, but apparently he’s just that pissed at Dave.

?CG: EVEN IF THERE WAS ANYTHING GOING ON, WHICH THERE DEFINITELY [OOPS TIME TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AGAIN, ASSHOLE!] 

Come on Karkat. If she really definitely wasn’t your girlfriend, you’d say so.

CTG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude 

Here Dave gives a bit of semi-sincere romantic advice amidst a huge load of sass.

CEB: what’s a quadrant? how many do you have?
CTG: john god dammit stop embarrassing us
CTG: first of all weve got to be on record here as not giving a shit about that
CTG: second obviously theres gonna be 4 quadrants come on
?CG: JOHN, I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU BEING THE SMART ONE.
?CG: DAVE IS NOW THE LEADER, EVEN THOUGH HE’S A SMUG SHITSTAIN WITH SHADES AND A POKER FACE.
?CG: IF THERE WERE FIVE, THEY’D BE CALLED QUINTDRANTS, GET IT???
CEB: wow, okay!
CEB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez.
?CG: YES, EXACTLY. WHO CARES?
?CG: AS FASCINATING AS A LECTURE ON ALL THAT WOULD BE, IT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT. 

Although Karkat always puts up an image of a triumphant powerful leader, he freely admits to a fascination with romance.

?CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO A RELATED POINT OF BUSINESS.
?CG: JOHN, DON’T THINK I DIDN’T NOTICE HOW MANY E’S YOU JUST TYPED THERE.
?CG: THAT’S GOT TO STOP TOO.
CEB: what does?
?CG: STOP TALKING TO VRISKA. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS.
CEB: what!
CEB: no way. vriska’s cool, i’ll talk to her all i want! 

John freely admits that he thinks Vriska is cool. Is it because Vriska gave him the impression that she does care about him to an extent?

?CG: I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AS MUCH AS IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY VARIOUS BITS OF ALIEN PHYSIOLOGY YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF, THESE GIRLS ARE CLEARLY FLIRTING WITH BOTH OF YOU PRETTY HARD.
?CG: THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE SWEPT YOU BOTH INTO THEIR SICK ASSASSINATION GAMES IS SADLY WHAT MAKES THIS OBVIOUS.
?CG: THAT’S WHAT THEY DO.
CEB: wait…
CEB: are you saying that vriska is interested in me?
CEB: like, romantically?
?CG: EGBERT JUST EARNED A FEW BRAIN POINTS!
?CG: HE HAS REACHED A NEW RUNG ON HIS ECHELADDER, “EASILY OUTFOXED BY SIMPLE UTENSILS”
?CG: “BUCKAROO”
?CG: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
CTG: smooth
CEB: oh man.
CEB: uh…
?CG: YES LET’S ALL HAVE A GREAT BIG OH MAN OVER THAT
?CG: AND THEN FUCKING CUT THE HORSESHIT FOREVER. SOUND GOOD?
CEB: i’m not sure what to think about this. 

Only from Karkat telling him does John realize that Vriska is into him. And he totally rolls with it, like someone told me that the kid I’ve been talking to has a crush on me. I’m not sure how I would react to such a claim from someone.

CEB: dave, what do you think i should do?
CTG: i dunno
CTG: do you like her
CEB: well, like i said, i thought she was pretty cool…
CEB: kinda bossy! but also pretty friendly.
CTG: yeah ok
CTG: but i mean
CTG: anything more than that
CTG: like
CTG: if earth wasnt destroyed and she werent in some other universe on a planet full of unspeakable frothing dipshits
CTG: and she was on earth visiting your town or something
CTG: would you want to ask her to go see one of your dumbass movies
CTG: like the new maconnohey jam where he smirks and like all but deliberately draws the audiences ire like a goddamn magnetron
CEB: mcconaughey!!!!!!!!
CEB: um, wow, i don’t know.
CEB: i mean, yeah, sure it would be fun to do something like that with her, i think.
CEB: but…
CEB: beyond that, it’s a little confusing!
CEB: i don’t think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way, so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do… 

This bit brings the scene where Dave and John talk about Roxy to mind, where Dave finds it pretty obvious that John is interested in her. This makes me wonder, when John met Roxy, did he catch on and realize she was into him? It’s hard to say; he probably hopes that she’s into him.

CTG: i dunno man doesnt sound like you really got our interests in mind here
CTG: you just sound kinda bitter
CTG: did one of the human ladies reject you
?CG: OF COURSE NOT.
CTG: how did it go did you stand in a quadrant like you were playing four square
CTG: holding a bucket full of flowers or slime or whatever and jade was like no thanks bro
CTG: is that how it went down
?CG: YES, YOU FIGURED IT OUT! YOU ARE A SAVANT OF XENOBIOLOGY DAVE AND I SALUTE YOU WITH ONE OF MY MANY INTERGALACTIC SPACE TENDRILS
?CG: (THAT’S FAKE, I MADE THAT UP TO FUCK WITH YOU) 

Here Karkat specifically says he was sarcastic. Dave hardly ever says he was kidding when he’s saying one of his sarcastic things.

?CG: I SEE NOTHING BUT A COWARD BEHIND DARK EYEWEAR CLEARLY DESIGNED FOR WOMEN AND A PAIR OF IMPUDENT LIPS PURSED SO TIGHT IT’LL SOUND LIKE AIR SQUEALING OUT OF A BALLOON WHEN I PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT.
CTG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time
CTG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it dude 

This is might be one of Dave’s weird supposed “sexuality cover up” things like he talked about that one time, joking about homosexuality in order to avoid facing issues or something like that. I’ve said before that I find that repressive stuff sort of weird (not in a good way) and excessive complication-ish, and covering up those supposed insecurities almost seems like retroactive justification for the more sensitive content featured in earlier parts of Homestuck mixed in with some kind of fanservice (hey you can ship Dave with boys now!). But I’m getting dangerously close to breaking the promise I made earlier, which is a lot easier to follow than I thought it would be.

?CG: AND JOHN, PURELY HYPOTHETICALLY, IF ONE OF US IN THE FUTURE DOES MAKE SOME SORT OF SOLICITATION YOU DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND… 
?CG: BECAUSE OF PERHAPS SOME CULTURAL DIFFERENCES 
?CG: I MEAN NO ONE IN PARTICULAR HERE 
?CG: MAYBE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON MIGHT NOT BE THINKING TOO CLEARLY AT THAT MOMENT 
CEB: uh… 
?CG: IT MIGHT BE THE CASE THAT THIS PERSON HAS GOTTEN TOO WRAPPED UP IN A SORT OF CALIGINOUS IDEAL 
?CG: AND GET CARRIED AWAY, POSSIBLY SO MUCH SO THEY WERE BLIND TO HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD IT WOULD BE TO PURSUE ANYTHING LIKE THAT WITH ANOTHER SPECIES 
?CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT DIDN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A CALIGINIOUS RELATIONSHIP 

It seems to me like Karkat didn’t find trolls and humans being together anything unusual at first, but when he learned about Terezi and Vriska hitting on Dave and John respectively, he decided that both were ridiculous and messed-up pairings and concluded as such for all troll/human relationships.

?CG: WE’RE ALL SORT OF COOKING UP A PLAN RIGHT NOW. 
?CG: MY RIGHT NOW. 
?CG: WHICH IF SUCCESSFUL, MAY, AND I DO STRESS MAY, END UP WITH ALL OF US MEETING FACE TO FACE. 
?CG: AND WHAT I’D LIKE TO AVOID IF AT ALL POSSIBLE 
?CG: IS TO HAVE THIS RENDEZVOUS INSTANTLY DETERIORATE INTO A LOT OF REVOLTING TROLL/HUMAN SLOPPY MAKEOUTS. 
?CG: THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT FOR ME, OK? 
?CG: REALLY THE ONLY SCENARIO THAT I AM SURE WOULD CAUSE ME TO REGRET SUCCESS. GOT IT? 

Karkat being so adamantly against troll/human sloppy makeouts is another reason why he and Dav—oops I broke my promise.

?CG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS? 
?CG: I SHOULDN’T EVEN NEED TO BE SAYING THIS. 
?CG: GOD DAMMIT, IT’S NOT EVEN LIKE YOU DON’T HAVE ACTUAL HUMAN FEMALES NEARBY FOR ACTUAL BIOLOGICALLY VIABLE MATESPRITSHIPS! 
?CG: DO I HAVE TO DRAW YOU A DIAGRAM??? 
CEB: rose and jade? 
CEB: so, uh… 
CEB: you want us to like, date them? 
?CG: WOULD IT REALLY FUCKING KILL YOU TO CONSIDER IT?????? 
?CG: I MEAN GOD. WHAT DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE IN THIS GAME? 
?CG: YOU’RE CREATING YOUR OWN UNIVERSE TO GO LIVE IN. 
?CG: AND JUST HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR SPECIES IS SUPPOSED TO REPOPULATE ITSELF??????????? IDIOTS. 

That’s actually a good question. Since about halfway through the trolls’ arc, the matriorb has been touted as the ultimate key to repopulating the troll race. But there’s nothing like that for the humans. I don’t even feel like doing the math to see how much we can get from the eight kids we’ve got until we get inbreeding. A common theory is using ectobiological equipment to clone existing humans. What if John decides to use that to fill the world with clones of all his favorite celebrities?


This is Karkat’s shipping grid, a true artistic masterpiece. I’ll say stuff about the kids’ later reactions to the shipping grid. For the whole rest of Act 5, John takes it kind of seriously and almost shows interest in marrying Rose, but Dave doesn’t care about it at all. But now, it’s a bit of the inverse: John and Rose have both found satisfaction in other love interests, while Dave and Jade at this point aren’t actually out of the question; Dave knows that an alternate version of him dated Jade and was curious to know how that went down.

CTG: thx for the shipping grid bro imma drop everything and go have a baby with jade right now 
CTG: no peeking k 
CEB: wow, i have to marry rose? 
CEB: uh… 
CEB: wow. 

Dave responds with sarcasm, but John seriously ponders the ramifications of this grid. Karkat ends the memo.


Up next is Homestuck’s first big conversation walkaround, a massive exploration minigame known as Alterniabound. What sets Alterniabound apart from other walkarounds is how big it is with so much stuff you could easily miss and crazy easter eggs which largely don’t have much plot relevance. This makes walkaround games like this often feel like kind of a drag, where to get the full experience you need to double-check everything and have it explored. The Act 4 opener in particular is a pretty heavy drag: it’s really complicated and pretty confusing to explore, a lot more so than this one, which is why I like that little stretch of pages that gives the gist of that minigame. After Alterniabound, it’s clear that Hussie decided not to make most of his later walkarounds so large-scale. When I first read Homestuck, I played that walkaround but I didn’t figure out that you could transportalize out of the computer lab and explore other areas, causing me to miss a lot of stuff I only found in my second read.


I will proceed and comment on the whole thing. Here’s how I’ll do it. I’ll say whatever I do in the game and then comment on whatever goes on or is said. If there’s a bit I don’t have anything to say about, I’ll skip it.


First is a bit which is easy to miss: Karkat finishes the memo with Kanaya. Right there I’m bombarded with the weird goofy-looking talksprites of this walkaround game. Alterniabound has weirder-looking talksprites than its successors; Kanaya and Eridan stick out as particularly weird ones.

(Karkat, talk to Terezi)

KARKAT: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT THE DRUBBINGS. PUT THAT CANE AWAY, DAMMIT. IT’S NOT LIKE YOU EVEN NEED IT.

More lampshading absurd things the trolls do. Terezi seems to like calling people out on mocking or forgetting about her blindness (she did that with Gamzee, John, and Karkat), so maybe the cane ties in with that? Or did she get used to having a cane between being blinded and learning how to get around by smelling?

KARKAT: GUESS THAT’S NOT TOO SURPRISING. ANYWAY, I SAW THE DEMON AGAIN.
KARKAT: I THINK I KNOW WHO IT IS.
TEREZI: WHO 1S 1T >:?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW HOW IT’S POSSIBLE…
KARKAT: I NEED TO SEARCH FOR MORE ANSWERS BEFORE I KNOW FOR SURE.
TEREZI: STOP B31NG MYST3R1OUS 4ND T3LL M3!
KARKAT: NO WAY. I’M NOT JUMPING TO HASTY CONCLUSIONS. IF IT TURNS OUT I’M RIGHT, THEN I GUESS WE BOTH GET TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO.


[…]

TEREZI: TH4T W4S 4N HOUR 4GO! WH4T H4V3 YOU B33N DR34M1NG 4BOUT S1NC3?
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

Karkat is Hussie, Terezi is readers. This isn’t the only moment which feels like one character is Hussie, the other is readers.

(Karkat, get lowdown from Terezi)

TEREZI: SO GU3SS WH4T
TEREZI: W3V3 B33N 1N CONT4CT W1TH SOM3 4L13NS FROM TH3 UN1V3RS3 W3 CR34T3D
KARKAT: OK. SO?
TEREZI: DONT YOU TH1NK TH4TS K1ND OF N34T?
KARKAT: NO. IT’S BORING. WHO CARES?
TEREZI: 1 THOUGHT 4S OUR 1NTR3P1D L34D3R TH4T W4S SOM3TH1NG YOU M1GHT W4NT TO KNOW
KARKAT: ALRIGHT, AS LEADER, I RECOMMEND WE DELIVER THEM A DELIGHTFUL GIFT BASKET VIA TRANSUNIVERAL BULGE THRUST.

When we knew Karkat for so long as a troll who thinks the humans are all imbeciles, it’s weird reading what he says here.

KARKAT: NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME, I’VE GOT A LOT OF IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO.
TEREZI: YOU M34N 4 LOT OF 1MPORT4NT W4ND3R1NG 4ROUND 41ML3SSLY 4ND T4LK1NG TO P3OPL3?
KARKAT: YES, EXACTLY.

Breaking the fourth wall, anyone? Homestuck doesn’t have a lot of moments which are outright breaking the wall, but there’s a lot of leaning on the fourth wall. The TV Tropes page titled “leaning on the fourth wall” came to mind, but I’m not linking to it because I stopped doing that (and even removed those links) a while ago.

(Karkat, talk to Sollux)

This exchange is not very long, but it has three “fuck you”s. I like how they immediately descend into arguments like that.

SOLLUX: fuck you and your priimadonna garbage, iim not goiing two break down 2obbiing becau2e you pa22 out at the 2iight of a liittle blood, why dont you man up.
KARKAT: HEY FUCK YOU, I TURN AROUND AND SEE A CRAZY GIRL WITH A CHAINSAW AND A TSUNAMI OF BROWN. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT WE NOT TURN OUR LITTLE HIDEOUT INTO A SLAUGHTERHOUSE?

Karkat’s last line here is a bit noteworthy in retrospect given that Murderstuck will be a thing that happens. I wonder if this line was intended to foreshadow that arc.

SOLLUX: uh huh, 2ure kk by the look of 2ome of your future memo2 iit look2 liike youre gonna get pretty wound up by [the humans] 2oon.
KARKAT: MAN, FUCK MY FUTURE MEMOS.
SOLLUX: no way, theyre hiilariiou2, be2t thiing about haviing you a2 a leader hand2 down.

“The best thing about my boss is how I laugh at everything he does!”

KARKAT: THE ONLY GUY MORE IRRITATING AND STUPID THAN FUTURE ME IS PAST ME.

I remember searching for this quote from Homestuck because I remembered seeing it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. For some reason this line remained in my memory but the fact that it’s from a walkaround didn’t.

(Karkat, talk to Aradia)

ARADIA: have y0u decided t0 tr0ll them yet
KARKAT: TROLL WHO?
ARADIA: never mind
ARADIA: lets pretend i didnt say that and lets als0 pretend it isnt inevitable
KARKAT: WHAT THE FROND BUCKLING NOOK STENCH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
ARADIA: n0thing. its n0t like a decisi0n y0u are ab0ut t0 make will invariably lead t0 every pr0blem we have and will ever face as well as the great und0ing itself

Seems like Aradia has become more sarcastic and cynical than she was back in the trolls’ arc. She isn’t usually this sarcastic, so either this line was meant as a joke or as indication of how she changed after being a robot for a while.

(Karkat, be future Aradia)


You cannot be Future Aradia because in the future, Future Aradia has exploded!

I remember when I was on Murderstuck during my first read, I tried to remember which trolls had and hadn’t died. I specifically remember thinking back to this early in-comic spoiler that Aradia will blow up, and I also remember thinking Nepeta is a lucky bastard that she hasn’t died, which must have meant I didn’t catch the clues that she died or something. I don’t remember.

(Karkat, talk to Nepeta)

KARKAT: YOU HAVEN’T BEEN PULLING YOUR RP NONSENSE ON THEM HAVE YOU? TALK ABOUT A SHITTY FIRST ENCOUNTER.
KARKAT: OK AS LEADER, I FORBID YOU FROM RP’ING WITH THEM.
NEPETA: :33 < but equius already furbid me from doing that :((
NEPETA: :33 < not that i am listening to him, but shhhhh! :33

I kind of wish we saw Nepeta pulling her RP nonsense on the kids. I think she did that with Rose briefly, but it would have been pretty amusing if she had a longer failed attempt to roleplay with some of the kids. All four of them would probably think it’s kind of dumb.

(Karkat, talk to Tavros)

TAVROS: hEYYY, yOU’RE AWAKE,
KARKAT: HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN AWESOME TIME TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO SAW YOUR LOWER TORSO OFF AND REPLACE IT WITH ROBO LEGS?
TAVROS: nO,
KARKAT: ANY GODDAMN TIME BEFORE NOW. YOU KNOW, DURING OUR WHOLE ADVENTURE WHEN THEY MIGHT HAVE COME IN HANDY.

Here’s Hussie via Karkat noting a mistake in Homestuck’s storyline, and instead of fixing it, he lampshades its absurdity.

KARKAT: DID YOU SEE HIM?
TAVROS: wHO,
KARKAT: THE DEMON. WHEN YOU WERE ASLEEP.
TAVROS: nO,
KARKAT: HE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I TOLD YOU TO LOOK, BUT I GUESS YOU WERE TOO BUSY FROLICKING IN THE SKY OR WHATEVER YOU DO ON THAT GAUDY YELLOW MOON.
TAVROS: oH, mAN, yEAH SKY FROLICKING WAS PROBABLY DEFINITELY THE THING i WAS PREOCCUPIED BY,

It’s later revealed that Bec Noir sliced Tavros’s dream self in half. With that in mind, how didn’t he see the demon? Did Bec Noir sneak up on him and slice him from behind?

(Karkat, talk to Equius)

EQUIUS: D –> Are there any other orders you would like to issue to me in a manner that is similarly forceful
KARKAT: I ALSO ORDER YOU TO STOP GETTING OFF ON MY ORDERS. FOR LIKE THE FIVE HUNDREDTH FUCKING TIME.
EQUIUS: D –> Yes, and you will continue to order me to do so. I command it
EQUIUS: D –> …
EQUIUS: D –> I need a towel
KARKAT: GO HAVE YOUR BUTLER GET YOU ONE YOU SNOOTY DOUCHE.
EQUIUS: D –> Aurthour is dead, and so is his ghost

We never find out how exactly the trolls’ sprites died. I think we are to presume that either Bec Noir did it in his troll session rampage or that sprites don’t last permanently. The latter possibility is brought up when John and Jade talk about Davesprite in the Con Air scene, but it’s still kind of ambiguous.

(Karkat, talk to Vriska)

KARKAT: LOOK WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING, STOP. OR PUT IT ON PAUSE. CAN YOU PLEASE DO THAT?
KARKAT: I WASN’T GOING TO BOTHER WITH THE HUMANS BUT NOW YOU’RE MAKING ME NERVOUS. JUST GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO LOOK INTO THIS MATTER, AND THEN I’LL BRIEF EVERYBODY.
KARKAT: MAYBE WITH A SPEECH OR SOMETHING. CAN YOU DO THAT?

It bugs me a little how that supposed speech happens offscreen. I think it’s Karkat ordering the trolls to flame the kids, but that speech seems important enough to be shown. Maybe it’s offscreen because of Homestuck’s persistent avoidance of regular face-to-face dialogue. Even this face-to-face dialogue is facilitated with a video game interface.

(Karkat, talk to Kanaya)

KANAYA: Any Other Orders
KANAYA: Such As Those Which Might Pertain To These Alien Children
KARKAT: YEAH, MY ORDERS ARE THAT THEY’RE COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT, AND WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.
KANAYA: How Are Those Orders
KARKAT: BECAUSE I’M YOUR LEADER THAT’S HOW.
KANAYA: They Are Not Irrelevant
KARKAT: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT.
KANAYA: Its A Bit Complicated
KANAYA: But I Believe You Should Give Them A Closer Look Before You Decide What To Do About Them If Anything
KANAYA: Perhaps Then An Especially Leaderly Speech Will Be In Order
KARKAT: OK I DOUBT THAT BUT WHATEVER.

Kanaya talks about the humans in a way that suggests that she might have contacted them, though she didn’t contact them until Karkat asked her to. I guess this implies that Kanaya chose not to talk to the humans just as she chose not to participate in the memo nonsense.


Then there’s Karkat’s section of the lab, where we take a look at when Karkat created the trolls as wigglers and open some chests as him. Not much to comment on here, other than that the equipment weirdly has 24 tubes instead of just four. It’s kind of ambiguous what the deal with all that is. The exact genetic relations of the trolls are pretty ambiguous, which is yet another glossed-over troll thing. Or maybe because it’s funnier if we don’t know how the trolls all relate to each other. There’s also chests with so much random stuff, which is a good example of Homestuck’s video game satire aspect.


Now time to play as Terezi.

(Terezi, talk to Karkat)

TEREZI: 4R3NT YOU 4T L34ST 4 L1TTL3 D1S4PPO1NT3D W3 N3V3R GOT TO H4NG OUT TOG3TH3R ON PROSP1T?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW. I GUESS?
KARKAT: IT’S NOT LIKE WE DIDN’T GET TO HANG OUT PLENTY OF OTHER PLACES.
TEREZI: YOU DONT G3T 1T! TH3R3 W3R3 4LL TH3S3 TH1NGS 1 W4S PL4NN1NG ON SHOW1NG YOU 4ND STUFF W3 COULD H4V3 DON3 TOG3TH3R
TEREZI: 1T W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3 SP3C14L DUMMY

This is another little John/Karkat parallel: both of their dream selves woke up right around the time their Prospit was destroyed and they had a friend who really wanted to show them around.

(Terezi, talk to Aradia)

ARADIA: 0h is that what feferi thinks
ARADIA: thats nice
ARADIA: havent y0u underst00d anything ab0ut h0w parad0x space w0rks
ARADIA: 0f c0urse they are the s0luti0n
ARADIA: but they are als0 the pr0blem

Humans are the pharmakon.

(Terezi, talk to Nepeta)

NEPETA: :33 < terezi!!! so tell me! who is your favorite?
TEREZI: F4VOR1T3 WH4T?
NEPETA: :33 < human kid!
NEPETA: :33 < oh of course, you like akwete purrmusk with the black glasses!
NEPETA: :33 < he is pretty cute, but mine is jade
TEREZI: OH R34LLY?
NEPETA: :33 < yes, i have tried to make friends with her, but so far she thinks i am just teasing her!!!!
NEPETA: :33 < its pretty furstrating. i will purrsevere though

That kind of sucks for Nepeta. She sees someone with a common interest who is jaded (heh) to her group’s sincerity because of how aggravating some of them are.

(Terezi, talk to Tavros)

TEREZI: LOOK1NG PR3TTY COOL T4VROS! >:]
TAVROS: tHANKS, i FEEL GREAT, aND REALLY CONFIDENT SUDDENLY,
TAVROS: lIKE, aS IF rUFIO GAVE ME BOTH THE HIGH FIVES HE HAS, aND THEN SORT OF ONE OF THOSE BRO MASSAGES, aS IF TO SAY,
TAVROS: yOU’RE THE CHAMP, oR THAT KIND OF THING, 
TEREZI: DONT L3T 4NYON3 3V3R T3LL YOU RUF1O’S NOT R34L
TEREZI: 1F YOU B3L13V3 H4RD 3NOUGH 1N 1M4G1N4RY TH1NGS, TH4T M4K3S TH3M SL1GHTLY L3SS F4K3!

Here Terezi’s giving positive encouragement to Tavros. He tries to go down stairs with his new confidence but falls down them as you can see when you go to this one part open to all playable characters.

(Terezi, talk to Vriska)

VRISKA: Hey, if it isn’t miss money8ags! How are you enjoying your fa8ulous wealth!
VRISKA: If it was me, I would feel ashamed to get rich that way. 8y having a secret admirer just hand it to me like that, rather than earning it. That’s just me though!
TEREZI: GOD, YOUR J34LOUSLY 1S R1D1CULOUS! NOBODY C4R3S 4BOUT STOCKP1L1NG M34N1NGL3SS TR34SUR3 OTH3R TH4N YOU. W1LL YOU GROW UP???
VRISKA: I guess you’re right. I’m just giving you a hard time!
VRISKA: You know, like the good old days. Don’t you miss our friendly rivalry sometimes?
TEREZI: H4H4H4, FR13NDLY?????
VRISKA: Sure! So to speak.

The weird thing about this bit is that their past relationship isn’t shown here as being very friendly, but later their past partnership is presented to us as a lot more positive. I’m not quite sure what’s up with that, or what’s up with Terezi suddenly returning to being close with Vriska in the first place.

(Terezi, talk to Kanaya)

TEREZI: H3Y K4N4Y4, 4R3 YOU ST1LL OGL1NG H3R?
KANAYA: What
KANAYA: Is That What Im Doing
TEREZI: Y3S 1T 1S OBV1OUS
TEREZI: WHY TH3 1NF4TU4T1ON W1TH TH4T P4RT1CUL4R HUM4N
KANAYA: Hmm
KANAYA: I Guess I Find Her Sort Of
KANAYA: Intoxicating
TEREZI: OHHHHHHHHHHH??????? >8D
KANAYA: Intoxicatingly Underwhelming
TEREZI: >:?

I’m only taking note of this bit because it’s the only time those two characters converse, despite both being major trolls. I’ve seen readers point out this odd lack of interaction—all the other pairs of the trolls who get the most screen time have some kind of notable relationship.

(Terezi, talk to Eridan)

ERIDAN: hey ter can you go givve that four horned mustard blooded land licking sack of rubbish ovver there a message for me
ERIDAN: tell him to put his honey wwhere his mouth is and meet me outside for another duel
TEREZI: 1 4M NOT M3D14T1NG B3TW33N YOU TWO!

TEREZI: S3R1OUSLY, COULD YOU M4K3 YOUR 4DV4NC3S 4NY MOR3 OBV1OUS 3R1D4N?
TEREZI: 1F YOUR3 W4X1NG 4SH3N FOR M3, F1N3, 1… GU3SS 1M FL4TT3R3D???
TEREZI: BUT H3S TOT4LLY NOT 3V3N 1NT3R3ST3D 1N TH3 TYP3 OF
TEREZI: UH…
TEREZI: R1V4LRY YOU W4NT W1TH H1M, OK?

For whatever reason, as far as I can tell Sollux/Eridan is a fairly popular pairing. I don’t really understand why that is when it’s clear that the former thinks the latter is an idiot.


Terezi’s section of the game where you go out of the lab has this whole crazy stair network, a lampshadedly simplistic puzzle, and a massive hall of doors to open chests and stuff. You can also play as Future Terezi who has scribbled Dave-related stuff all over her wall art.


Now for Vriska.

(Vriska, talk to Karkat)

KARKAT: JUST… PLEASE.
KARKAT: GO FIND SOME REMOTE CORNER OF THIS LAB, BUILD YOURSELF A NICE WEB, AND SIT THERE PEACEFULLY AND HARMLESSLY UNTIL WE ALL DIE. OK?
VRISKA: Die? Lame.
VRISKA: Karkat, there is a8solutely no chance we are going to die.
VRISKA: Not with my luck! I got all of it, remem8er?

Of course she’s going to do the exact opposite of what Karkat says.

(Vriska, talk to Terezi)

VRISKA: The Scourge Sisters are 8ack in action! Yeah!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: NO W3 4R3 NOT! W1LL YOU STOP W1TH TH4T 4LR34DY???
VRISKA: Sure we are! You’ll find out. Just give it a few hours.
TEREZI: 1 W1LL G1V3 YOU 4 F3W DRUBB1NGS!
VRISKA: Yes!!!!!!!! That’s the spirit, Redglare.
TEREZI: BL4R, PL34S3 DO NOT ST4RT US1NG MY OLD FL4RP1NG N4M3, 1T’S SO 3MB4RR4SS1NG

More oddities considering how they return to being good friends post-retcon. Terezi finds that stuff embarrassing but I think they did do roleplaying stuff of that sort as if it never was bad at all.

(Vriska, talk to Sollux)

VRISKA: Sollux, I never got to simultaneously thank you and reprimand you for tracing that money transfer.
VRISKA: On the one hand, it made Terezi rich, and now she won’t stop lording it over me!
SOLLUX: ok, ii’m pretty much 100% po2iitiive 2he’2 not actually doiing that, but ok.

I said one or two posts ago that I’m not sure if the whole competition between Terezi and Vriska meddling with kids is a real thing or only Vriska misconceptions. It’s kind of suggested to be both? I’m not sure, maybe later stuff will clear things up.

(Vriska, talk to Aradia)

VRISKA: Hey dead girl! How’s 8eing dead treating you?
ARADIA: c0uldnt i ask y0u the same thing
VRISKA: Yeah, sure! If you wanted to 8e technically inaccur8. It would still 8urn though, so touche!
ARADIA: its really weird that y0u keep antag0nizing me
ARADIA: i c0uld snap y0ur neck with a twitch
VRISKA: Yeah 8ut you won’t!
ARADIA: 0k

There’s kind of a pattern here going on, where most of the trolls in this walkaround think Vriska is pretty dumb.

ARADIA: what d0 y0u want
VRISKA: You saw the demon up close, right? You fought him! Or at least your doppelgangers did.
ARADIA: yes
VRISKA: What was he like!
ARADIA: …
ARADIA: what d0 y0u want t0 kn0w specifically
VRISKA: Primarily I’m interested in your take on his weaknesses, tactical disadvantages, stuff like that.
ARADIA: 0_0
ARADIA: are y0u seri0usly intending t0 fight him
VRISKA: Wouldn’t you like to know!!!!!!!!
ARADIA: n0t especially

“You want information on this big mystery? Fuck you, I’m going to keep teasing you.”

(Vriska, talk to Feferi)

VRISKA: So! You sure seem excited a8out the alien kids. What gives????????
FEFERI: Glub… I wouldn’t say t)(at.
VRISKA: Oh?
FEFERI: T)(e w)(ole t)(ing doesn’t seem like it’s wort)( getting worked up about, to be )(onest.
VRISKA: ::::|
FEFERI: Sig)(. T)(ey’re just kind of dull.
FEFERI: Life is dull and uninteresting.
FEFERI: I don’t know, maybe I’m just a little depressed.
FEFERI: You probably wouldn’t understand.
VRISKA: Sure I would! We all have our off days. Hey, if you need someone to talk to, I’m…
FEFERI: Pffffffffffffffffff )(-E)(-E)(-E)(-E!
FEFERI: PSYYYYYYC)(-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(-E-E )(OO )(OO )(OO! 38D
FEFERI: )(oly crap did I get you good! )(ey, Sollux! Did you catc)( any of t)(at?
FEFERI: A live one jumped rig)(t into my boat! A real suckerfis)(! Woo)(oo)(oo. )(ow do you like t)(at, spider)(ag! Sea dwellers represent!!!
VRISKA: That was…
VRISKA: Surprisingly nasty of you.
VRISKA: I’m impressed!

This whole exchange exemplifies Feferi’s rude side, something that would surely be a big thing about her if she was a major character. But since she isn’t one, it’s just a little quirk to give her at least a bit of depth.

FEFERI: T)(anks. I )(ope I didn’t jeopardize our friends)(ip wit)( t)(at little stunt! 38)
VRISKA: Friendship? I don’t know if…
VRISKA: W8 a minute. Why you!!!!!!!! You almost got me AGAIN!
VRISKA: Have I ever told you how awesome you are, Peixes?

Weird that Feferi of all the trolls is one of the few who doesn’t berate Vriska in this walkaround.

(Vriska, talk to Tavros)

VRISKA: Worst advice you could ever receive. I demand that you spend the next several hours mastering stairs.
TAVROS: uHHHH,
VRISKA: Come on, what would that fakey 8ullshit fantasy asshole Rufio say a8out this?
TAVROS: oH, mAN, hE WOULD MOST SURELY BE ALL ABOUT ME CLIMBING LOTS OF STAIRS,
TAVROS: pER THE REASSURANCES THAT i PRETEND HE SAYS, aND ALL THE SELF ESTEEM HE INSISTS ME TO HAVE,
VRISKA: Exactly! Now hop to it, and don’t think twice a8out it, or I’ll know. We don’t want to have to do it the hard way now, do we?
TAVROS: oH MY GOD,

I’ve said earlier that Vriska pretty much gave up on trying to improve Tavros, but this sounds exactly like something she would have said a little earlier when she was doing the fairy seduction stuff.

(Vriska, talk to Equius)

VRISKA: I must say, I am really disgusted 8y how you’ve resorted to following orders from that low class slo8 with the hideous mutant 8lood.
VRISKA: I thought you were 8etter than that! I thought WE were 8etter than that.
EQUIUS: D –> I…
EQUIUS: D –> You’re absolutely right, it’s disgraceful
EQUIUS: D –> I think it is possibly time to admit I have some sort of problem
EQUIUS: D –> I would very much like to honor my position on the hemospectrum and mistreat those beneath me, and yet…
VRISKA: Whoa, alright! I was just messing with you, dude. As if I really give a shit a8out any of that!
VRISKA: Hahahahahahahaha.

If Equius wasn’t a gag character, this problem of his would be a pretty interesting thing to see him overcome. Instead, Hussie decided to make that problem cause his ending.

(Vriska, talk to Kanaya)

VRISKA: Pst!
KANAYA: Yes
VRISKA: Hey, what’s your deal?
KANAYA: …
VRISKA: I’m talking to you!
KANAYA: What Do You Want
VRISKA: Nothing really! It’s just you haven’t said one word to me since we got here.
VRISKA: In fact, we’ve hardly spoken in weeks! Not since you gave me that nice dress.

[…]


VRISKA: That was some pretty sweet chainsaw work earlier. Pretty 8rutal, really! Didn’t think you had it in you.
VRISKA: Hey, you weren’t settling a score with him there 8y any chance?
KANAYA: What
VRISKA: I’ve got a pretty keen nose for revenge. Could it 8e that you had a thing for him and were upset when he went for me instead? Hmmmmmmmm?
KANAYA: Did He Really Go For You
KANAYA: Thats Not How I Remember It
VRISKA: Yes, I think I must 8e on to something here! Anyway if that’s the case, sorry a8out the 8ad 8r8k!
KANAYA: Could You Leave Me Alone
VRISKA: Hey, which one are you spying on there? Someone new to meddle with?
KANAYA: I Said Leave
VRISKA: Fiiiiiiiine, god.

This is a pretty strong instance of the pattern with Vriska I’ve noted in this walkaround. I guess it might have been an arc thing for Kanaya, realizing that her random crush presumably induced by some teenage hormones is kind of dumb.

(Vriska, talk to Gamzee)

GAMZEE: VrIsKa hEy yOu wAnT To uH…
VRISKA: What?
GAMZEE: ShIt, I WaS AlL GoInG To aSk iF YoU WaNtEd tO HoP In tHe hOrN PiLe fOr a bIt oF MoThErFuCkIn sHuTeYe, BuT…
GAMZEE: I DoN’T ThInK I WiLl cAuSe i’m pReTtY MuCh sCaReD Of yOu, So yEaH.
VRISKA: Aww. ::::)

The interesting thing here is, after Gamzee turns evil, in the post-retcon timeline he might once again be scared of Vriska (who wouldn’t be scared of people who stuff you in a fridge with corpses?); at the very least, he definitely detests her, while most of the others who spent years with Vriska around put up with her.

(Vriska, talk to Eridan)

ERIDAN: god damn vvris wwhys it still got to be so flippin awwkwward like this come on
ERIDAN: wwe used to havve a good thing goin remember our campaigns
ERIDAN: that shit wwas epic wwhere are you evven goin to find a rivvalry like that
VRISKA: It was fun, Eridan. While it lasted.
VRISKA: 8ut it ran its course! I don’t know what else to tell you.
ERIDAN: oh as if im not so ovver it please spare me your disdain mindfang
ERIDAN: im wworkin on findin a neww rivvalry wwhichll make ours look like a kiddie game
ERIDAN: wwhich oh by the wway IT WWAS

I’m pretty sure their former rivalry was literally at least four years ago for them (Vriska mentioned that the nasty Flarp cycle of revenge was “sweeps ago”). How come they’re still apparently awkward? Also, when you really stop and think about the implication that it’s been four years since all that stuff happened, it’s easy to get pretty disturbed. Nine-year-olds throwing each other off cliffs and remotely blowing off each other’s arms?? It’s pretty hard to even imagine this without thinking they’re all deranged.

(Vriska, be future Eridan)

ERIDAN: fuck that fuckin wwitch bleww up my computer
ERIDAN: ok not literally the wwitch as in thats not literally her title or anythin
ERIDAN: the seer i guess
ERIDAN: fuckin lousy no good goddamn rotten seer

I think the multiple times Rose is called a “witch”, like this time, are the closest Homestuck gets to canonically having role inversion, which many fans either love theorizing about or think is absolute bullshit; I mostly think it’s reading way too much into stuff, which many readers are prone to do. Anyway, this probably serves as an indication of how off-the-rails Rose is going.


Vriska’s lab exploration part has this lab with the troll analog of the meteor map from the Skaianet lab and a comically short monster battle sequence. You can be future Vriska, who gave all her boondollars to John. I don’t recall that ever being brought up in John’s conversations with Vriska or anything, so maybe it’s a forgotten thing or something. And then there’s a room with Nic Cage posters showing her comical obsession with Cage, with this whole song mixed from his lines in movies.


God damn that was long. It’s so long that I’ll end my post here. This post only covers 10 pages, and yet it’s pretty massive, just because of that walkaround game, and to a lesser extent, the hilarious memo.


See you next time as we watch Hussie experiment with a new art style and other stuff happens.


>> Part 32: The Bard of Fuck I Forgot

A gem of a blog I found

http://prettyprettyponies.blogspot.com

Yes I know the link sounds like a blog about My Little Pony before it became an Internet phenomenon. But it isn’t really that, more like something I find really hilariously amazing that it exists. To explain this awesome Internet find I’ll need to explain why I think it’s cool.

If you didn’t know, I’m currently working on a video series where I read aloud this edit of the Pony Pals book Detective Pony. The edited book originated as something from Homestuck, where one character edited Detective Pony to make it funnier and gave it to another character for her birthday. The first few edited pages were shown, and someone decided to edit the whole book, and it’s glorious.

When I find out about cool things, I tend to get way into them, which is why my big projects exist: my large number site, my Homestuck blog post series, and my Detective Pony video series. Recently I used Google Books to read bits and pieces of the original unmodified Pony Pals books, just to see how incredibly dull they are with clichéd plots and stuff. I know those books are meant for little kids so of course there will be dumb stuff, but it’s still really funny to read them.

So I decided to google things about Pony Pals, specifically seeing if every damn book mentions that Anna (one of the main characters) is dyslexic, a fact the books always seem to take a moment to bring up but is pretty much never relevant to the story as far as I know. The modified version of Detective Pony even parodies this by making Anna’s dyslexia very relevant to the plot 3/4 of the way through the story. In the aforementioned Google search, I came across the blog I linked to at the top of this post.

It’s an old blog which hasn’t been updated since 2011 where some teenage girl named Lauren first dissected all the Pony Pals books, then started dissecting other kids’ books. It actually reminds me a lot of my Homestuck blog post series: she commented (pretty negatively) on all the Pony Pals books, then the commentary gradually became less angry and more sincere to the point of having favorite and least favorite moments in the end. Later she wrote something which is apparently a fanfiction of the Pony Pals six years later when they’re in high school?

I’ve gotten pretty carried away with my Homestuck blog post series, and seeing a similar post series about Pony Pals is pretty enjoyable. I’ve thought of reading the whole Pony Pals book series just to see how ridiculous it is, and it looks like someone actually did that, with blogged commentary and everything!



As absurd as it may sound, I want to read that book series now.

Cookie Fonster Says Stuff About His Homestuck Commentary 2: Faster Progress Needed?

TL;DR: I want to finish my Homestuck blog post series before I lose interest in this personal project, but this may not work if I keep following through with my current posting schedule. I will see if I’m able to make a post every five days rather than every week or speed up progress even further than that, especially during school breaks.

If you haven’t noticed, I’ve slowed down progress on my Homestuck blog post series quite a bit, and I wanted to make a blog post talking about that.

For the first three months of this blog post series, I made a post covering about 100 pages every 3.5 days. If Homestuck ends at page 10,000 of MSPA—which is a likely estimate given what Hussie has said in his news posts—and if I were to have followed through with my original schedule through this whole post series—then this blog series would have taken a total of nine months. But my recent trends following my grand change of plans would make this take much longer. My first post following this change was released on a Sunday, next one a week after that, next one a week and two days after that. If I were to continue my general pattern of 50 pages a week with all of the remaining pages—and that’s still assuming Homestuck ends at page 10,000—then I would have two years of posts to go. I’m not even sure if I could keep a project going for that long, and my end goal is to finish my blog post series. This presents a problem for my ending goal.

Ever since I was little, I’ve had a history of starting these big projects, and almost always abandoning them at some point. And like I said in my hiatus post, I’ve realized that I’ve gotten better at following through projects, and I said that it would be a shame for me to abandon this post series. But if I want to keep going at this project I would still need to be into Homestuck, and I’m not sure if I can be into something for that long of a time. Typically I have various interest phases last for a year or two and most often end with lingering with less strength. This will no doubt happen to my current interest in Homestuck. So if I want to finish this post series and not abandon it out of disinterest, I’ll need to speed this up somewhat.

Now I totally could make posts at a faster rate than what I’m doing. Why am I not doing that? When I realized stuff about how this post series took up too much of my time, I decided to push it way to the bottom of my priorities, below even my other projects. But I’m still not sure if I could go just as well putting this project higher in my priorities—after all, my other projects are also pretty easy distractions. If I made a post covering 50 pages twice a week instead of once a week, I would have a year of posts to go. That’s a good bit more feasible than staying into Homestuck for another two years. After all, the comic will almost certainly end within this year, and after that, its popularity will definitely decrease but stay substantial because of its sister project, the upcoming Homestuck-based video game Hiveswap.

Remember how I put a hiatus on this blog post series to focus on school work? Well, that clearly didn’t go as far as I thought it would. I constantly hear of people never having free time because of school stuff, so I’m inclined to think the same will generally happen to me during spells of homework loads. But I can never quite overcome the urge to slack off (though I have gotten somewhat better), which may be part of why in the finals weeks, I still made two posts a week; the other reason might just be because honestly, I didn’t have that much studying to do during that time.

When writing this post, a thought ran through my head that when I feel ready to, I could go back to making posts twice a week. But that would be kind of like going back to square one, because I started this post series by making posts twice a week. OK, that technically isn’t true; I originally wanted to make this post series weekly, but I quickly changed it to twice-weekly. But the point still stands. It may, and I repeat may, be feasible to do posts as I currently do them but twice a week. But I would need to speed things up somewhat to do that. Originally, it would go like this: publish a post, write up my next post the same day, spend the next few days revising it. But as time passed, I would sometimes spend a day without working on my post series, or write posts over multiple days rather than one day, slowing progress, not to mention that my posts have gotten way longer as they progressed. I could just publish a post as soon as I’m done, but I like having revising time because I always think of quite a bit of stuff to add to my commentary that I didn’t have when first writing up my post; I even sometimes add commentary to a post after publishing it.

But not all is lost. During breaks from school, I could probably speed up production from what I currently do. Maybe during regular school weeks I could publish a post about every five days, and during breaks I could do faster than that, like every three days. That might actually work pretty well. The weird thing about this big plan is, this isn’t something important to my real life, rather a fun personal project, which makes me wonder why I should care this much, and made me question this post series in the first place. But the bottom line is, I want to finish this project before I lose interest, and I’m not totally sure how to make that goal attainable.

Next post will be Sunday, then I’ll try doing a post every five days and see how that works.

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 30: Coolkid Phenomination Station

Introduction

Part 29 | Part 30 | Part 31 >


Act 5 Act 2, Part 3 of 32


Pages 2733-2783 (MSPA: 4633-4683)


The pages I’m covering today don’t actually start with this picture, but I’ve decided to start doing what I’ll call “title pictures” for these posts. So here’s a picture of Dave in some building in a baseball shirt or something. I’ve seen drawings of the beta kids where Dave is inexplicably wearing this outfit while the rest are in their starting clothes.


Last time Rose did a bunch of stuff and so did Kanaya. Now it’s time for Dave to do a bunch of stuff. OK, not quite. First John and Vriska have to do stuff. Man, why do characters do stuff so much?


Where were we? John just emptied his sylladex.



AG: This is the most ridiculous pile of useless crap I have ever seen.
AG: Why did you pick up all this junk???????? Rocks, mushrooms, shoes…….. 

AG: Jegus, John.
EB: jegus?
AG: Yes. Jegus!
EB: how do you know about jegus? do you even know what that is?
AG: I have no idea! It’s something Terezi has 8een saying non stop for some reason.
AG: It is weirdly infectious.
AG: What is it, some sort of human profanity?
EB: no. well, yeah kind of.
EB: it is a misspelling of an adult male bearded human, who was magic. 

I remember reading this bit in my first read-through. Now think of the fact that I’m taking note of this. That’s how much I skimmed stuff in my first read-through. John’s last line is of particular note because it sounds like something a troll would say.

Also, this right here is proof against the misconception that Jegus is a troll word. For some reason it’s really popular among fans to make all the trolls Jegus-spewing machines. Dave is technically the one who came up with the term through a misspelling in a conversation with Terezi and the other trolls started using it as well. Let it sink in. Dave coined the word so many fans think is a troll catchphrase.

AG: John! Is that a frog I see there?
EB: uh, yes. it is.
AG: How do you have a frog already????????
EB: i dunno. i found it, and i decided to captchalogue it for some reason.
EB: frogs are pretty cool.
AG: It seems awfully early in your game for you to 8e finding frogs. Your session sure is weird!
EB: huh. ok…
EB: apparently it is considered illegal contraband.
EB: why would a frog be illegal?
AG: John, shut your trap! We are in a hurry here. 

This is one of many allusions to the significance of frogs in Homestuck’s world. But as usual, we don’t know why they’re significant, leaving readers confused as to what the deal with frogs is. They show up so much that some readers think it’s just plain absurd. I’ve seen readers think “oh come on” when they realized that the ultimate goal of the game is breeding a giant frog.

AG: H8RRY 8P!!!!!!!!!
EB: that was nine !’s.
AG: Oops.

This might be the only time a troll messes up his or her typing quirk that isn’t a mistake on Hussie’s part. It’s a bit weird when you think about it that Gamzee never messes up his quirk even though he’s Gamzee. Vriska blushes at her mistake.

Behold 90’s cartoon kid John, in all his glory.


EB: so, uh…
EB: red sneakers, some jeans, a tee shirt, and another shirt…
EB: this is the fabulous outfit you had in mind?
AG: Yes! Isn’t it awesome?
EB: it’s pretty cool and all…
EB: i was just picturing something…
EB: more elaborate? like maybe more adventurey.
AG: Fuck that.
AG: This is a really hot look for you, John. It makes you look a million times more cool, instead of some kind of overa8sconding daggerlance fl8ling pansy. 

Surprised John apparently didn’t notice that his outfit resembles what Nic Cage wore in one of his movies.

More perspective views. Why isn’t he flying straight up? Is it not possible or what?


EB: ok…
EB: marquise bossyfangs mcsekret, this has been a lot of fun…
EB: but i have to go talk to my pals now, and also rescue jade!
AG: Yes, I know that, dummy! I am in complete command of your timeline, remem8er?
E8: oh yeah. sure, if you say so. 

The Vriska thing in all its glory. I laughed reading Vriska’s line here.

AG: We will not speak again for a while. 8ut for me it will only 8e a moment.
AG: I do not envy the Serketless coldspell you are a8out to endure, John.
EB: that’s too bad.
EB: how long will it be?
AG: Man, calm down! It will only 8e a couple of hours or so.
AG: Sweet Jegus, I have clearly done a num8er on you to engender such a frothing o8session so quickly.
AG: Not surprising. It’s just the 8urden that comes with 8eing so damned awesome. 8ut you will figure that out soon enough John, 8ecause I have you well on your way.
EB: ha ha, i guess… 

It’s pretty worth noting that John does seem to enjoy talking to Vriska. Apparently he likes someone helping him around his adventure or something. This bit is pretty much Hussie saying to readers, “Next time on Homestuck: stuff other than John chatting with Vriska.”

AG: Phase two of my program for you 8egins in a little while.
AG: In the meantime, try not to get corrupted 8y anyone too lame. Especially no8ody with 8rown text or gray text, or any shit ugly color at all for that matter. 

Another funny line I forgot existed. It’s a delightful feeling reading through Homestuck yet again and seeing all these funny bits I either forgot existed or never previously read at all.

This image has some cool artistic bits. Dave’s face in John’s glasses, Dave’s symbol vibrating a little, John’s cartoony perspective, and the sketchy view of the house in the background.


EB: hey dave!

TG: hey
EB: wow, it’s been a while since we talked, hasn’t it.
TG: has it
EB: i think the last time i talked to you, i was doing exactly what im doing now…
EB: which is blasting off from my house.
EB: or was it?
EB: wow, i can’t remember… 

This whole scene seems like a call back to the stretch of pages with John and Terezi and Davesprite’s timeline, at least the parts focusing on John.

TG: man who cares
TG: i mean thats great and all
TG: but i talked to you plenty more times since that from where im standing
TG: ive got to make this quick
EB: oh.
EB: you mean like the trolls?
EB: are you using the troll time chat gizmo?
TG: fuck no fuck that trollian horseshit
TG: its just regular old time travel
TG: im from the future
EB: oh ok. is this dave sprite?
TG: no
TG: just regular ordinary dave from the fucking future nothing special dude come on 

I love that line. “its just regular old time travel”. It’s also a lot like John’s first conversation with Rose in this act, but it’s a Dave who’s been doing even more stuff while we weren’t looking, traveling through time like a sci-fi fan’s dream come true.

EB: well, excuse me, but i still think time travel sounds kind of special.
EB: sorry you are so jaded by awesome shit! 

Yeah, Dave never was like “holy shit time travel thats so cool”. Was he expecting that to be a thing when he learned that he and his friends are literally in a wild superpower video game? Or did he never see time travel as something cool and awesome? John obviously thinks time travel is the world’s coolest thing, but Dave probably realized the burdens time travel carries, especially the kind where you can’t change the past, through, I don’t know, movies about time travel? Yeah let’s say that. Let’s say he watched the Back to the Future trilogy and concluded from it that time travel is dumb.

TG: i need to borrow some boondollars off you
EB: boondollars? i thought they didn’t do anything.
TG: no they do do something
EB: what do they do?
TG: what do you think they buy shit its fucking money 

This is Dave’s genre savviness in action. He knows what’s up with those game mechanics and stuff, even though John’s the one who’s into all these video games. He’s also the one who knew it was a bad idea to play Sburb way back in Acts 1 and 2. Dave isn’t necessarily portrayed as a super brainiac but you have to give him some credit for easily understanding the deal with the game they’re playing.

EB: how far in the future are you from? 
EB: i thought we only had something like 24 hours until, like…
EB: game over.
TG: yeah we do
TG: but chronologically ive been around for at least triple that
EB: wow. how…
EB: i don’t get how that works!
TG: no shit your deal is wind not time
TG: youre on easy street what is there even to think about with wind
TG: like what angle to blow it at to fly a damn kite or how gentle its gotta be to make a picnic go swimmingly 
TG: its kiddie bullshit time is serious fucking business
TG: leave it to the pros ok 

The funny thing about this passage is that although it’s not explicitly stated, it’s made pretty obvious that there’s more to the breath aspect than just wind, and Dave doesn’t realize that because that isn’t his deal.

EB: but, doesn’t going back in time make an alternate reality?
EB: i thought that’s what happened with dave sprite, he came back to make sure i didn’t die and this is a new timeline now.
TG: yeah it can work that way
TG: or not
TG: ive been very careful
TG: this whole operation is strung together with stable time loops
TG: no timeline offshoots cause thats when daves start dying and that isnt no good for nobody 

This whole conversation is pretty interesting to read when you consider that the retcon stuff will later be a thing.

Also Dave uses a triple negative.

EB: so what is the future like?
EB: or uh, the 3x future…
EB: do we win???
TG: oh you know
TG: noirs outta control
TG: rose is crazy jades crazier and youre
TG: well youre you 

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out from what Dave says about Jack that Jade is going to prototype something bad—so bad that I need italics to show how bad it is—into her sprite. It also doesn’t take a genius to guess that Bec might get prototyped, or at least give thought to such a possibility. With a little more reasoning one might deduce something like this: Jack Noir becomes the super-dangerous Bec Noir, the kids have to perform the scratch to banish him to the troll session, he fucks more shit up. That’s only partly true, but it’s an easy thing to guess given that the clues deliberately mislead readers. I’ve read a decent amount of Homestuck liveblogs, and some of them are incredibly good at correctly predicting plot events, assuming they aren’t faking it. All this stuff that readers can infer, from only three words.

TG: and together were up to our bulges and miscellaneous bullshit alien physiology in hot sloppy shenanigans while hatching plans under our feathery asses like a bunch of cage free farm fresh motherfuckers
TG: but im not about to get into specifics cause this is complicated enough as it is
TG: and if i started ranting too much about the future id start sounding like one of these smug alternian shitheads and im not about to drop that retarded science on my good bro
TG: so im staying on track here 

Trolls rubbing on Dave again with troll anatomy metaphors.

TG: egbert stfu and give me your goddamn boonbuck j3gus fuck
TG: ill turn it into a boonmint in an hour and youll get it back ok
EB: j3gus?
EB: *narrows eyes suspiciously…*
TG: no comment 

He’s just not going to admit his buddyhood (is that a word?) with Terezi. This reminds me of the whole running gag of Karkat denying his thing with Terezi, but unlike him, Dave decides to stay deadpan and choose not to respond rather than shouting “none of your business you douche”.

EB: i don’t even know how to give it to you!
EB: they are just more weird gaming abstractions, how do we do this?
TG: you can wire it to my account
TG: ill send you the app 

Homestuck’s early acts are all about weird gaming abstractions (the sylladex, the echeladder, the strife stuff) that are gone through without question, with the kids casually talking about which fetch modus they use. Now John’s actually noting how weird the abstractions are. This demonstrates how Homestuck has evolved—shedding the video game layers as the story progresses. First shedding the captchalogue stuff, then lessening the prominence of the Sburb interface, then decreasing usage of software to get around; all of those eventually become secondary things that are occasionally brought up or done. If you open up a Homestuck search page and search “captcha” or “grist” or “modus” or something, you can get a feel for how this sort of stuff has become less prominent over time, but is still mentioned now and then.

The video game mechanics that characterize early Homestuck so heavily make a comeback in early Act 6 where the alpha kids rehash the introductory patterns of the beta kids with their own twist, but even then it’s later toned down, not to mention that the alpha kids generally have better fetch modi than the beta kids. For instance, while the first 100-some pages of Homestuck are all about John’s sylladex mishaps, as far as I remember the first time in Act 6 that sort of thing happens to the extent of what goes on in the early acts is something like a hundred pages in, where Lil’ Sebastian starts making a mess of Jane’s house, and that might be the closest Act 6 gets to having these sylladex shenanigans.

EB: i’m really pretty busy you know. i have to help jade!
TG: i know
TG: but this takes like two seconds
EB: bluh…
EB: fiiiiiiiine.
TG: dude
TG: dont do the vriska thing ok
TG: shes messed up we talked about this
TG: or will talk
EB: who?
TG: whatever
TG: alright app incoming
— turntechGodhead [TG] sent ectoBiologist [EB] the file “virtualporkhollow.exe” —
TG: gotta go later 

I like how John learned Vriska’s name from Dave mentioning it.

It’s easy to forget that Dave has big eyebrows, as seen in the copy of him to the left.


Up next is a scene switch to the crazy stuff Dave is up to, mirroring the scene switch to Rose. This bit shows that Dave has started doing crazy stuff, similarly to Rose. Just look at his duplicates with goofy costumes.


Dave talks to Terezi, who sends him a comic. Dave’s reaction is as follows:

TG: fuck
TG: bout time
TG: what took so long 

Just like between Rose and Kanaya, their casual lines and conversations so clearly indicate a friendship. Given that, it’s a shame that those kid/troll relationship patterns are kind of broken apart and swirled around like I don’t know what. But I’m not going to ramble about that right now.

GC: TH3 PH3NOM3NON OF TH3 COOLK1D 1S 4 F4SC1N4T1NG ON3 D4V3
GC: 1 H4V3 STUD13D 1T
GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T W3 DO NOT H4V3 COOLK1DS ON 4LT3RN14?
TG: oh shit really
TG: that loud sound of shock you just smelled was my jaw hitting the floor 

Their interactions like this need no commentary. They’re just that humorous, littered with referencing each other’s memes and stuff. Like I just said, it’s a shame that their dynamic is scrapped and also kind of forcibly dismantled post-retcon (note the words “kind of”). But let’s forget for a second that any future events exist and go on.

TG: so are we done making money yet or what
GC: OH 1 DONT KNOW
GC: T3CHN1C4LLY W3 W3R3 4 LONG T1M3 4GO
TG: yeah i kinda figured
GC: BUT 1TS 4 FUN W4Y TO STR3TCH OUT TH3 T1M3 YOUV3 GOT L3FT, 1SNT 1T?
GC: >:]
TG: im not complaining
TG: but you said there was something specific we were working toward here
TG: i mean aside from buying up all the nastiest fraymotifs
GC: Y3S BOTH 4R3 TRU3
GC: 4ND TH3R3 4R3 SOM3 YOU H4V3NT BOUGHT Y3T!
GC: TH4T 1S 1MPORT4NT, W3 N33D TO K33P YOU COMP3T1T1V3 W1TH JOHN
TG: competitive
TG: man
TG: dont matter what i do im not gonna outpace egbert
GC: DONT S4Y TH4T! YOUV3 GOT TO B3L13V3 1N YOURS3LF D4V3 

Their interactions are still mixed in with Dave stuff with all his personality flaws and stuff. Terezi does encourage him and legitimately thinks he’s a cool and funny guy, and she kind of goes along with the thoughts Dave hides about being in people’s shadows or whatever? I don’t know.

TG: hey its not like the futures a mystery or anything weve both seen it
TG: well
TG: ive seen it
TG: youve just caught a whiff of it
TG: like a hungry beggar loitering cross the street of an olive garden
TG: just cause a filthy vagrants barred from entry dont mean a dude doesnt know italian foods nearby its a fucking fact to his nose 

I think the mention of Olive Garden is a thrown-in reference to something Hussie joked about at some point. There’s also occasional references to blitzing chakras which I believe came from the same context as Olive Garden.

GC: DO NOT D1STR4CT FROM TH3 1SSU3 W1TH YOUR S4SSY R3M4RKS 4BOUT 34RTH 1T4L14N FOOD
GC: Y34H OK, JOHN M4Y S3RV3 YOU YOUR OWN BULG3 ON 4 S1LV3R TURN T4BL3 PR3 SCR4TCH
GC: BUT WH4T 4BOUT 4FT3R TH4T?
GC: W3 N33D YOU TO K33P P4C3
GC: 1T 1S TH3 CL4SS1C STRUGGL3, TH3 HUM4N 34RTH COOLK1D V3RSUS TH3 34RTH HUM4N N3RD
GC: WHO W1LL W1N??????? >:O
GC: (D4V3 D4V3 D4V3) 

This is the first time “pre-scratch” or “post-scratch” is used as a term in Homestuck. The scratch is one of those things that’s talked about a lot but we don’t know what its deal is for quite a long time.

TG: alright well its not like i even have a problem parting with this useless bullshit money
TG: how much do you need
GC: 413 BOONBONDS
TG: thats all
TG: i can afford to give you a fuckload more than that
TG: how bout i give you an even boonbank
GC: NO!!!
GC: 1T MUST B3 3X4CTLY TH4T 4MOUNT
TG: ok just to be clear
TG: thats 413
TG: not “aie”
GC: Y34H
GC: J3RK >:P
TG: whats up with that number
TG: ive seen it around 

I like how Dave lampshades arc numbers, wondering what’s up with them. I think he wonders what’s up with a lot of stuff in the game. At one point, when reminiscing about the intellibeam laserstation device, he says that sometimes he thinks the game was made by a dumbass, which reminds me of how Homestuck often serves to parody video games. I totally could have talked more  about how Homestuck parodies old video games back in the first few acts. I totally could have talked more about a lot of stuff in the first few acts. Sometimes when I look at my earlier posts, I think, wow, some parts hardly have any substance. If I wanted to I could have edited them to match with how I’ve doing posts—and I have been doing that to an extent by adding some extra commentary to old posts—but part of the fun of the blog is writing it as I go and seeing how this blog is evolving.

But we’re on strict schedule here (not really), so let’s get back to the conversation!

GC: TH3Y 4R3 TH3 NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS
TG: whats that mean
GC: 1 DONT KNOW >:? 

We never learn what the deal is with those alleged “blind prophets”. How does Terezi know that those are a thing but not know what that means? 413 is referred to as the numerals of the blind prophets in her introduction page which kind of suggests that she already knew about that beforehand, but only kind of.

GC: 4T TH3 3X4CT 3ND OF TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON
GC: YOU MUST W1R3 TH3 MON3Y TO MY 4CCOUNT 3X4CTLY 6 HOURS 4ND 12 M1NUT3S 1NTO TH3 P4ST
GC: MY P4ST! R3L4T1V3 TO MY PR3S3NT MOM3NT 4S OF TYP1NG TH1S 

If I have my facts straight, Terezi receives the transfer of money about 6:12 hours before the critical moment. Does this mean that from Terezi’s perspective, this conversation is taking place around the critical moment, which is after Murderstuck and all that? I never realized that.

TG: you mean i can do that
TG: then
TG: why werent we just wiring money into the past for these investment escapades instead of doing all this time traveling
GC: B3C4US3!
GC: TH4T W4SNT TH3 PL4N
GC: W3 H4D TO PL4Y 4LONG W1TH TH3 ST4BL3 T1M3 LOOPS W3 W3R3 PR3S3NT3D W1TH
GC: YOU KNOW, M4K3 SUR3 4LL THOS3 D4V3S RUNN1NG 4ROUND 3X1ST3D 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3
TG: oh yeah
TG: i knew that its just frustrating sometimes its like paradox space makes you do everything the hard way
GC: Y34H T3LL M3 4BOUT 1T 

Everyone realizes that the reality they live in is the bullshittiest thing ever. Dave sends Terezi a silly comic and then the money transfer.


Then we switch to Terezi in the past. She stands on the roof of the trolls’ meteor and sniffs Prospit with her smelloscope, and sees it being destroyed after looking for a second.


Hint enticing, anyone?


Your keen nose penetrates deep into the Insniffisphere I mean Incipisphere and zeroes in on the familiar honey-sweet smell of Prospit. 

This is what I like about Homestuck’s narration. When it’s like a person who slips his tongue about things and is generally sassy like that. 

Look at Gamzee’s face. When HE’s surprised, you know shit must be serious.


Terezi returns to the computer lab to see Kanaya sawing off Tavros’s legs and Karkat passed out on the floor. She starts a memo informing the trolls of Prospit’s destruction which serves largely for more hint enticing stuff.

CGC: B4D N3WS 3V3RYON3!
CGC: UM
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [CGC] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: T3R3Z1 SOM3TH1NG H4S COM3 UP
CGC: OH?
FGC: Y3S YOU W1LL N33D TO CUT TH1S M3MO SHORT
FGC: 3V3RYON3, TH3 BOTTOM L1N3 1S TH4T PROSP1T W4S JUST D3STROY3D
FGC: 1 4M SORRY TO S4Y
FGC: >:[
CGC: >:[ 

If you’re reading this, please stop what you’re doing and draw fanart of Terezi cosplaying Professor Farnsworth.

FAG: He never listens! None of you do, really.
FAG: And now all of your extra lives are waaaaaaaasted.
FAG: What a 8unch of losers! I’m outta here.
FAG banned herself from responding to memo.
CGC: W3LL
CGC: NOT 4LL OF TH3M
CGC: TH3 D3RS3 DR34M3RS 4R3 F1N3 4S F4R 4S 1 KNOW
FUTURE arsenicCatnip [FAC] 3:14 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FAC: :33 < ummm no not quite :((
FAC: :33 < she is refurring to the fact that derse was just destroyed too 

The whole point of this memo is some hint enticing stuff. Man I should come up with a synonymous phrase so my writing doesn’t sound repetitive.


Terezi receives her transfer of 413 boonbonds and asks Sollux to trace its source. Turns out that’s how the trolls found out about the kids—a stable time loop fulfilled by itself and having no point of origin. What isn’t a stable time loop in Homestuck? The characters all think that kind of stuff is stupid; Jade, for instance, finds it mind-wrenching that her password system originated from itself.

GC: SOLLUX 1 N33D YOU TO TR4C3 4 MON3Y TR4NSF3R
TA: 2omeone 2ent you money?
GC: Y3S
TA: why’2 2omeone 2endiing you money.
TA: and why now of all tiime2, liike we can even u2e iit.
TA: who’2 thii2 doucebag?
GC: TH4TS WH4T 1 W4NT YOU TO F1GUR3 OUT!
TA: ok.
TA: bam, done.
TA: ii am fuckiing iincrediible. 

I like this casual demonstration of how fast Sollux is with computer stuff. “OK.” (beat) “Bam, done.”

TA: 413 boonbond2? damn.
TA: 2omeone here ha2 been playiing 2grub ii gue22. wonder why they’d 2end u2 money.
TA: maybe they know we made them? maybe iit’2 liike a tiip. liike thank2 dude2 for makiing u2 exii2t.
GC: >:???
TA: why 413, why that number.
TA: any iidea?
GC: NUM3R4LS OF TH3 BL1ND PROPH3TS
GC: OTH3R TH4N TH4T, DONT KNOW
TA: well, 2eeiing a2 we don’t know 2hiit about the guy…
TA: bliind 2eem2 liike the operatiive concept.
TA: kiinda liike a bliind donatiion.
TA: and now we’re fuckiing riich.
TA: 2o ii gue22 you could 2ay…
TA: they’re the numeral2 of the bliind profiit2.
TA:  (I am very grateful that WordPress doesn’t make images have these huge spaces around them)

Here’s a little oddity: the trolls have been in their session for eight times as much as Dave has, and they act like 413 boonbonds is a big deal when Dave has, I don’t know, at least millions of times more than that, if the high currency units he mentions are anything to go by?

Speaking of those currency units, it’s worth noting that the units of money don’t all have their values specified. Of the units that are multiples of boondollars, only boonbucks (1 million) and boonbonds (1 quintillion) have their values explicitly specified; other mentioned units can only be presumed through guesswork. This is the difference between Homestuck, a story about a fictional video game, and an actual programmed video game. I’m sure this kind of thing is present in other works of fiction, but it still feels unique; for example, an in-universe game from some famous media franchise might have official clear rules derived outside of the work, but there’s no way Sburb could be made as a real life video game, and some stuff there will necessarily be kind of ambiguous.


Also Sollux’s pun is brilliant. I didn’t realize the word “blind” is also part of the pun until now.

GC: M4YB3 W3 SHOULD T3LL K4RK4T
GC: WH3N3V3R H3 W4K3S UP
TA: ehhhhh, thii2 2hiit’2 probably not iimportant enough two bother hiim wiith.
TA: iif he fiind2 out, he’ll probably want two hatch 2ome dumba22 plan that make2 no 2en2e.
TA: and badger me iintwo doiing a lot of miindnumbiing bu2ywork.
TA: ii’d leave hiim alone. 

Subtle dramatic irony here. Sollux doesn’t think that all this is a big deal, and he correctly predicts Karkat’s plan to troll these kids.

Note that Dave is the only kid listed here and the only one whose timeline appears here.
This begs the question: how did the trolls find the other three kids? Did they find their chumhandles from spying Dave on his computer, or did they ask him?


Terezi, Sollux, and Feferi examine Dave’s childhood in a little sequence that calls back to the Act 5 Act 2 opening flash. Visual callbacks are one of Hussie’s gimmicks. He says that those are used in order to evoke previous scenes and show contrast against them, and this scene is a great example of that: photos contrasting Dave’s upbringing against John’s. But Dave’s upbringing scenes have some humorous commentary that shows what a troll thinks of thinks of a typical(?) human’s life.


I’m not sure how exactly little Dave was thrown like a ball and landed back on his bro or something.
Also, throwback to the crazy shit Dave went through in Acts 2 and 3.


GC: H3Y 34RTH BOY

GC: W41T…
GC: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D YOU W3R3 4 BOY
GC: M4YB3 YOUR3 4 G1RL?
GC: 1 DONT KNOW MUCH 4BOUT YOUR W31RD HORNL3SS SP3C13S, 1 GU3SS YOU COULD B3 >:\
TG: yes im a girl
GC: OH R34LLY?
GC: 34RTHL1NGS 4R3 R34LLY B1Z4RR3
GC: NO OFF3NS3
GC: WH4T 1S YOUR SP3C13S C4LL3D
TG: north american hollering phallus baboon
GC: >:?
GC: 1 TH1NK YOU M1GHT B3 PULL1NG MY FROND, F3M4L3 34RTHL1NG 

For some reason, inaccurate first impressions are kind of a thing between kids and trolls. Dave here makes bullshit up about his race, which is worth noting because it’s the first time any troll talks to a human.

GC: MY N4M3 1S T3R3Z1, WH4TS YOURS
TG: shaggy 2 dope
GC: OK SH4GGY, S33
GC: 1 C4N SM3LL D3C31T
GC: L13S H4V3 4 SUBTL3 ODOR, 34SY TO M1SS 4T F1RST
GC: BUT TH3 MOR3 TH3Y P1L3 UP TH3 MOR3 TH3Y ST1NK!
GC: TH4T 1S NOT YOUR R34L N4M3
TG: ok sorry
TG: its ben stiller
GC: 4LSO 1 DONT TH1NK YOUR3 R34LLY 4 G1RL
TG: nope
TG: sorry to disappoint you dude
GC: 1 4M 4 G1RL NOT 4 BOY!
TG: dont care
GC: >:[
GC: TH1S F1RST 3NCOUNT3R 1S NOT GO1NG 4S W3LL 4S 1 HOP3D 

First encounters not going well is also a recurring thing between kids and trolls. Karkat, Kanaya, and Terezi all have this with their first time talking to a human.

Also, Kanaya says the exact same thing Terezi says: “I am a girl, not a boy.”

TG: i had such high hopes trapezi it started out brilliantly
GC: T3R3Z1!!!!!!!!
GC: 4ND 1 4M NOT TROLL1NG YOU, 1 4M JUST TRY1NG TO G3T TO KNOW 4 L1TTL3 4BOUT YOU 4ND YOUR SP3C13S
GC: 1 JUST D1SCOV3R3D 1T 4ND 1 4M CUR1OUS
TG: excuse me but it says right in the header of this conversation that youre trolling me
TG: persterchum always knows
GC: OH…
GC: OH Y34H
GC: BUT
GC: OK TH1S M1GHT B3 H4RD FOR 4N 34RTH B4BOON TO UND3RST4ND
GC: BUT TROLL 1S 4 V3RB TH4T H4S 4 LOT OF NU4NC3
GC: TH3 WORD C4N M34N 4 LOT OF TH1NGS
GC: FOR 1NST4NC3, 1 4M 4 TROLL!
TG: no shit
GC: NO 1 M34N
GC: TH4TS WH4T MY SP3C13S 1S C4LL3D 

The whole thing about trolling being used as a verb among Homestuck’s trolls is never really explained. I think Jade lampshades how weird it is at one point, saying that there’s no such thing as humanning.

TG: here
TG: http://tinyurl.com/CDandSL
GC: 1 4M NOT SUR3 WH4T 1S PORNOGR4PH1C 4BOUT TH4T
GC: 1TS JUST K1ND OF STR4NG3
TG: i guess
GC: 1TS PR3TTY GOOD THOUGH
TG: its ok
TG: im not thrilled with this direction though i think its too much like my bros stuff
TG: need to figure out my own ironic statement to make
TG: spread my wings you know 

Here, Dave openly admits to feeling shadowed by his bro. This is worth noting because refusing to show emotions is kind of the deal with him, but here he’s freely saying that he wants to have an individual brand. I’m not even going to bother going on a tangent about his arc stuff.

GC: H4NG ON
GC: OK H3R3 YOU GO B3N ST1LL3R
GC: http://tinyurl.com/FORB3NST1LL3R
TG: oh my fucking hell
TG: that is horrendous
TG: in the most beautiful way
GC: TH4NK YOU B3N >:]
TG: god damn
TG: that mouth
TG: its like
TG: i dont know
TG: a fucking pork chop
TG: jegus
TG: i mean jesus
TG: so overwhelmed i cant even damn type 

In the very first interaction between a troll and human, inspiration is sparked in both parties: for Terezi, the memetic word “Jegus”, and for Dave, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.

GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY RUN TH1S BY
GC: UH
GC: MY L34D3R
TG: your leader
TG: thats a retarded thing to say even by the standard of your own bullshit made up vernacular
GC: SM4RT4SS!
TG: whos he really
TG: your boyfriend or something
GC: PFFFFFFFF Y34H R1GHT
GC: W3LL OK
GC: 1 M34N
GC: 1TS B33N SORT OF COMPL1C4T3D W1TH H1M 

This right here is an indication of just how obvious it is to everyone that Karkat and Terezi have something going on.

GC: 4CTU4LLY H3S K1ND OF SM4RT4SSY L1K3 YOU NOW TH4T 1 TH1NK 4BOUT 1T
GC: BUT YOU S33M C4LM 1NST34D OF SHOUTY 4LL TH3 T1M3
GC: 4LSO
GC: YOU TYP3 1N BR1GHT BOLD R3D 
GC: YOU DONT H1D3 TH3 COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD L1K3 4 STUP1D W1GGL3R >:]
TG: ok that remark was almost as boring as it was weird 

I guess Terezi likes having smartasses to hang out with. But the calm smartass vs. the yelly smartass—which will she pick??

GC: OK, 1 W1LL G3T B4CK TO YOU 4FT3R YOU B3G1N PL4Y1NG
GC: TH4T W1LL B3 N3XT SOL4R SW33P FOR YOU
GC: TRY NOT TO B3 TOO 1MP4T13NT FOR MY R3TURN
TG: i plan on forgetting about you instantly after this conversation
GC: Y34H R1GHT
GC: YOU KNOW 1 H4V3 L3FT MY M4RK
GC: 1 4M S33R3D 1NTO YOUR R3T1N4S
GC: L1K3 4 B1G R3D SUN 

Dave ends up forgetting to forget as we see a bit later. How recursive can you get?

Didn’t Terezi say this was the crocodiles’ way of being friendly?


TG: what the fuck was the point of this again

GC: WHY D4V3
GC: WH4T 1S TH1S TH4T MY NOS3 D3T3CTS
GC: COULD 1T B3
GC: T34RS??? >:O
TG: this is bullshit
TG: this was a setup all along
GC: 1 TOLD YOU YOU WOULD CRY D4V3
GC: 1 TOLD YOU BRO……………. >8y
TG: ok jegus
TG: dont say it
TG: if you say i warned you about tears or something one more time
TG: i swear to gog
GC: DONT!
GC: DONT S4Y YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO 4N 4CROB4T1C SOM3RS4ULT OR P1RHOU3TT3 OFF OF SOM3TH1NG, J3GUS
GC: 1 G3T 1T 4LR34DY!
TG: ok fine
TG: our memes can cancel each other out this time 

How does Terezi know the SBaHJ reference? Did Dave show Terezi his comics or did she come up with jokes for him to use? It’s probably the former, but I should note that Terezi referenced this SBaHJ comic in a conversation with Sollux, which makes me wonder if Dave’s famous comic series was collaborated with Terezi or something. Terezi’s drawing pulled SBaHJ out of Dave’s subconscious so it wouldn’t be out of the question if her influence on his comics went even further than that.


TG: there now i wont be satisfying your crazy red fetish either
GC: >:’C
GC: NOW 1 4M CRY1NG TOO YOU S33 WH4T YOU D1D
TG: all you get to smell is black
TG: like licorice or something
TG: you hate licorice right
GC: 1 LOV3 L1COR1C3
TG: shit
TG: ok lets say i dont smell like licorice then
TG: i smell like
TG: a coal miners asshole
GC: TOO L4T3!
GC: 1T 4LR34DY SM3LLS L1K3 L1COR1C3 S1NC3 YOU S41D TH4T, 4ND NOW 1 C4NT UNSM3LL 1T 

Both of them pretty much messing with each other; this is how Dave rolls with friendships. This is also why I find those mentions of post-retcon Dave and Karkat acting childish and giggling like in Vriskagram really out of character for both of them, made worse by the fact that their onscreen conversations are NEVER like that. Maybe if they weren’t supposedly all inexplicably giggly I wouldn’t think of Dave and Karkat as so much of a bullshit pairing? I don’t know, I tend to talk too much about that stuff. Maybe I should save my thoughts on that for when it’s all of a sudden strongly suggested they are or were a thing, which is a long way from now.

TG: whatever
TG: anyway
TG: probably bout time i got on with this game
TG: sans these pointless sidequests you want drag me through for kicks
TG: later terezi nice knowing you
GC: W41T!
GC: YOU C4N’T D1TCH M3, W3V3 GOT 1MPORT4NT STUFF TO DO TOG3TH3R
TG: unlikely
GC: OH
GC: H3Y >:o
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY N4M3?
TG: you told me remember
GC: Y34H, BUT 1 THOUGHT YOU FORGOT!
TG: why would i forget
GC: YOU S41D YOU W3R3 GO1NG TO M4K3 4 PO1NT OF FORG3TT1NG!
TG: oh
TG: i guess i forgot i was supposed to forget
GC: W3LL TH3N
GC: M1ST3R D4V3 STR1D3R
GC: 1 4M GL4D TH4T YOU FORGOT TO FORG3T >:D
TG: uh alright 

How recursive can you get? God dammit I should have saved that line for this point.

Also, Terezi said the same thing (“how do you know my name”) Karkat said in his first conversation with John.


This reminds me of some rollercoaster ride I went to years ago.


TG: its like
TG: watching a miracle made of nothing but twitching schroder legs
GC: YOU S33 D4V3
GC: 1 TOLD YOU, YOU W1LL NOT R3GR3T H1TCH1NG YOUR SH1TTY JP3GGY FOUR WH33L D3V1C3 TO MY CONST3LL4T1ON
GC: TH1S 1S WH3R3 TH3 P4RTYS 4T
TG: look at us go
TG: i cant stop watching
TG: damn
TG: those moves 

GC: TRUST M3
GC: TH3S3 MOV3S DONT STOP K33P T4K1NG PL4C3
GC: NOT 4T TH1S P4RTY
TG: i can see im going to have to drop everything
TG: drop it like its simultaneously hot and i just tripped over the rug
TG: dedicate my undivided attention to this shit 

This is Dave’s reaction to Terezi’s dance party gif. I like the way he reacts to things he seriously finds funny.

TG: damn youre right
TG: truth be told everyone will be tripping when im done
TG: once i upset this biznasty with my swift cuts
TG: dudes will phalanx themselves agape like theyre offerin to store my shit in their mouths for the night
TG: rows of glasseyed human fly catchers beholding categorical fucking domination of the dance floor
TG: but they wont catch none cause the flys all mine 

For a second I thought Dave was rapping here.

This reminds me even more of a rollercoaster, the same one in fact. I think it’s something from Kings Island.


TG: i feel like i should be offering some visual rebuttal here
TG: you arent giving me any time though dammit
GC: TH4T 1S B3C4US3 1 H4V3 YOU 4T TH3 T3MPOR4L D1S4DV4NT4G3
GC: 1 C4N P4US3 4ND DO WH4T3V3R 1 L1K3 4ND TH3N CONT1NU3 OUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1THOUT M1SS1NG 4 ST3P!
GC: BUT DO NOT WORRY D4V3
GC: 1T WOULD B3 4 SH4M3 TO H4V3 TO WH1FF YOUR FR4GR4NT T34RS 4G41N
GC: 3V3NTU4LLY TH3 T4BL3S W1LL TURN 4ND TH3 4DV4NT4G3 W1LL B3 YOURS
GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 4LL TH3 T1M3 1N TH3 PR3N4T4L UN1V3RS3 4T YOUR D1SPOS4L
GC: B31NG TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3 4ND 4LL
TG: oh yeah
TG: i keep forgetting i can time travel
TG: thats fine i guess 

This is the difference between Homestuck and a superhero comic. At heart our heroes, despite gaining godly superpowers as the story progresses, are still four nerdy teenagers.

TG: but seriously what is the real plan here
TG: that has to do with not fucking around
GC: TH3R3 1S NO PL4N TH4T DO3S NOT 1NVOLV3 FUCK1NG 4ROUND
GC: BUT W3 W1LL M4K3 SUR3 4LL OF OUR FUCK1NG W1LL B3 4PPL13D 1N 4 CONSTRUCT1V3 D1R3CT1ON
TG: ok could you try to be somehow even less subtle when you hit on me thanks
GC: WH4T
GC: WH4T D1D 1 S4Y?
TG: man
TG: nevermind
GC: YOU W1LL H4V3 TO FORG1V3 M3 D4V3, 1 TH1NK SOM3T1M3S TH3 M34N1NG OF WORDS 1S LOST THROUGH OUR CULTUR4L D1FF3R3NC3S
TG: no shit
TG: im going to infer that your species reproduces by having sex with a grub in a bucket or something
TG: am i close
GC: D4V3
GC: TH4T 1S 4BSOLUT3LY TH3 F1LTH13ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD 4NYON3 S4Y >:\ 

Cultural differences bringing laughs abound again.

GC: R3M3MB3R HOW 1 S41D YOU H4V3 PL3NTY OF T1M3
TG: tell me anyway
GC: OK W3LL T4K3 WH4T YOU H4V3 S4V3D UP FROM CL1MB1NG YOUR 3CH3L4DD3R TO ST4RT W1TH
GC: HOW MUCH DO YOU H4V3?
TG: dont know
TG: i never even looked at it
GC: D3RRRRP, N1C3 JOB 4C3 G4M3R
GC: M4YB3 YOU SHOULD H4V3 4 LOOK 4T 1T
TG: k 

These casual conversations mentioning Homestuck’s bizarre game mechanics give a deliberate vibe of weirdness. I mentioned earlier in this post how Homestuck has shedded its video game layers as it progressed, and referencing them at a point after their shedding can give a sense of nostalgia, humor, weirdness, or all of the above.

I’ve heard that Hussie livestreamed himself drawing this panel, though I have no idea if that’s actually true.


TG: ok after all this hype you better be prepared to fucking dazzle me
TG: are you gonna bring it?
GC: 4LLOW M3 TO PROV1D3 4N 4NSW3R THROUGH 1NT3RPR3T1V3 D4NC3
GC: http://tinyurl.com/H3LLFUCK1NGY3S
TG: awesome
TG: peace out t-z
GC: >:)
TG: oh shit
GC: >:?

GC: WH4T 1S 1T?????
TG: fuck

This is Dave’s reaction to getting bugged by Karkat. It’s interesting how he hates him despite knowing him as his troll buddy’s boyfriend. This is also leading into one of my personal favorite pesterlogs in all of Homestuck so I’ll stop here. Another 50 pages covered.

See you next time as I either write a post to say stuff about this post series or forget about that idea and just write up a regular post about that funny moment and other stuff.


>> Part 31: Shipping Grids and Massive Walkarounds

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 29: Crazy Destruction and Laptop Reunions

Introduction

< Part 28 | Part 29 | Part 30 >


Act 5 Act 2, Part 2 of 32


Pages 2684-2731 (MSPA: 4584-4631)


NOTE: I said my blog hiatus would probably last longer than this, but I’ve finished all homework and I have some spare time now, so I figured, why not release a post right now? Next post will probably be 1-2 weeks from now.


Background turtles are sweating like there’s no tomorrow.


We see what Rose is up to, and what’s the first thing she does? She destroys a turtle temple, which is kind of a character establishing moment, except that we already were introduced to her long ago so maybe it’s more of a mission establishing moment? I don’t know, it still has the same feel as a character establishing moment. But it reveals a new trait in Rose, her exceptional perseverance and desire for relevance. Dave once said that she did this crazy destruction stuff “because shes rose”.

This is the first time a character is represented in an alert bubble by a symbol against a non-white background; this gradually becomes more and more common as the story progresses.*


* As Homestuck went on, alert bubbles have progressed like so: (1) bubbles with “…” in them -> (2) bubbles with their character’s face -> (3) characters’ symbols against a white background -> (4) characters’ symbols as they appear on the shirt (this includes aspect symbols). That progression is pretty gradual, with each slowly overtaking its predecessor.

GA: Okay This Will Probably Strike You As An Odd Moment For Me To Mention This 
GA: But Actually 
GA: There Are Not Many Moments Ive Observed On Your Timeline Which Wouldnt Qualify As Odd 
GA: And Somehow 
GA: Your Idle Moments Seem To Invite Interruption The Least 
GA: And This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach 
GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand 
TT: You’re rambling again, Kanaya. 

Rose’s line here is a definite indicator of a friendship going on between them.

GA: Okay Sorry 
GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say 
GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide

Why didn’t she mention this sooner? That should logically be the first thing she tells her, but I guess she was too occupied with finding the deal with her or something.

Up next is a stretch of pages showing the whole thing of Kanaya trolling Rose from the former’s point of view. It’s worth noting that none of the other trolls we heard from in Acts 3 and 4 have scenes like this where we see their trolling from their point of view. I think that’s to clarify the random timeline point trolling stuff and have readers better understand things from her point of view, something not necessary for the other trolls. Anyway, first she talks to Karkat.

GA: Your Speech Was Really 
GA: Emotional 
CG: OK I DEFINITELY DON’T NEED YOU BUSTING MY BULGE ABOUT THE SPEECH NOW. 
CG: I’VE TAKEN ENOUGH SHIT. I GOT A LITTLE WORKED UP OK? 
CG: AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, WHY DON’T YOU COME SAY IT TO MY FACE. 

In the first few acts of Homestuck, it was all but natural for the main characters, who all live far from each other, to talk using chat clients. Now it’s lampshaded that the trolls still text message each other a lot even though they’re all in one room. This oddity is brought up a few other times.

GA: I Just Wanted To Ask You Something In Confidence 
GA: About The Humans 
CG: OK, WHAT IS IT? 
GA: Are You Sure Theyre Responsible For Our Misfortune 
CG: YES. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. 
GA: Was It On Account Of Malice Or Incompetence 
CG: I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE BOTH? 
CG: WHY DOES IT MATTER. 
GA: It Sort Of Does 
GA: Im Not Even That Sure Why 
GA: This Is A Difficult Topic For Me To Broach 
GA: For Reasons That You Probably Wont Understand 

I don’t see why Kanaya thinks that. She seems to have some interest in Rose, who she is asking about as she says a bit later, and Karkat always refuses to talk about his red romantic stuff. He’d totally understand.

[2019 EDIT: I’m going to phrase this passage in a less clumsy way. I don’t see why Kanaya thinks that her interest in Rose would be hard for Karkat of all people to understand. Karkat is an absolute expert on romance and is known for refusing to talk about his own red affairs.]

CG: IF I HAVE TO SOLVE ONE MORE RIDDLE, I’M GOING TO… 
CG: I DON’T KNOW. 
GA: Will Your Response Involve An Athletic Maneuver Of Some Sort 
CG: NO 
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
CG: I WILL JUST GO OVER THERE AND WEEP GENTLY IN THE HORN PILE.

I like when running gags are subverted like this.

GA: Im Not Sure Which Depresses Me More 
GA: The Sabotage Of Our Session Or The Futility Of Theirs 
CG: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. 
CG: YOU’RE BEING REALLY WEIRD ABOUT THIS. 
GA: Well I Havent Asked What I Wanted To Ask 
CG: THEN ASK!!! 
GA: Its About TentacleTherapist 

Weird that Kanaya thought so strongly that Rose and her friends succeeded. Did the wordy prose just appeal to her so much that she didn’t infer from the final walkthrough entry that something went wrong?

CG: YEAH. THAT’S THE ROSE HUMAN. 
CG: SHE’S APPARENTLY PRETTY SARCASTIC. 
CG: IT’S IN MY NOTES. 

Dave has come off to me the sarcastic one among the beta kids but whatever.

GA: You Have Notes On Them 
CG: YES. 
GA: I Guess 
GA: Thats Why Youre Our Leader Karkat 
CG: NO, I’M YOUR LEADER BECAUSE OF MY INCREDIBLE TACTICAL SKILLS AND MY ABILITY TO MOBILIZE AND MOTIVATE A BUNCH OF USELESS PEOPLE TOWARD A COMMON GOAL, AND BECAUSE I’M EXTREMELY AMBITIOUS AND INTREPID. ALSO BECAUSE LEADERSHIP IS IN MY BLOOD. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. 
GA: Statements Like That Are Also Why Youre Our Leader 
CG: OK, I’LL ACCEPT THAT. 

This bit interestingly contrasts with what John and Rose said about the former’s leadership role a little while ago, which this is a call back to. While John insists on not calling himself the leader, Karkat does insist on doing so. There’s plenty of moments like this where Karkat simultaneously parallels and inverts John.

GA: Have You Talked To Her 
CG: WHO 
GA: The Rose Human 
GA: Also 
GA: Do We Really Have To Say Things Like The Rose Human 
CG: OF COURSE WE DO. 
CG: IT SOUNDS SUITABLY DISDAINFUL. 

Lampshading yet another absurd thing trolls do. I love how the many of the trolls do things that seem straight up weird or dumb but are later noted as dumb by the trolls themselves. Homestuck is all about that sort of thing.

CG: I MEAN, IF A BUNCH OF ALIENS STARTED HASSLING YOU, YOU WOULD EXPECT THEM TO ACT REALLY HIGH AND MIGHTY, AND SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY, RIGHT?. 
CG: WHICH WE ARE, OF COURSE.

Why is there a period after a question mark? I have no idea whether or not this is a typo. If you carefully read Homestuck you can certainly find a handful of typos and other mistakes, not counting drunk characters making lots of typos and the various intentional misspellings of words (e.g. SBaHJ-isms like conksuck and refrance).

CG: AND NO, I HAVEN’T TALKED TO HER. 
CG: I WILL PROBABLY STEER CLEAR OF HER FOR THE MOST PART. 
CG: I HAVE MY SIGHTS SET ON THE JOHN HUMAN, AND PROBABLY ALSO THE JADE HUMAN, SHE’S A HUGE CULPRIT TOO. 
GA: It Just 
GA: Feels Really Silly When We Say Things Like The John Human In Confidence Amongst Ourselves 
CG: WE HAVE TO COMMIT TO THIS. STAY IN CHARACTER, YOU KNOW? 
CG: REMEMBER THE SPEECH. 

What speech are they talking about?? Seriously I’m kind of confused. I think it’s something that happened offscreen?

CG: DID YOU WANT TO TROLL HER? ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING? 
CG: BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GREAT, I’D REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. 
GA: I Dont Know 
GA: Im Not Sure If Ive Got It In Me Right Now 
CG: COME ON. YOU’LL BE GREAT AT IT. 
CG: PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE THING FOR ME. WE’VE GOT TO STAY COORDINATED ON THIS. 
CG: TOO MANY OF THESE FUCKS ARE GOING ROGUE. 
CG: LIKE WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING. 
GA: Fine 

And that’s how Kanaya’s amusing weirdness while talking to Rose came to be.

So she starts conversing with Rose. First conversation it’s actually John, who makes her think Rose is an idiot. Sollux opens the viewport for her as we already saw and she thinks the following about Rose:

How underwhelming. No horns. Skin as white as a ghost! You wonder how she manages to look in a mirror without falling asleep.

This line is a bit weird considering her later clear interest in Rose. I guess the conversation with John posing as Rose colored her impression of Rose negative.

You continue to spy on the Rose human. What’s that nonsense she wrote on her walls? What did she do to her totem lathe?? Idiot.

The second sentence here is also a bit of a weird reaction because Kanaya probably saw the subconscious genetic code writing some of the other trolls wrote on their walls and likely knows that it’s Doc Scratch’s code, so she shouldn’t be so shocked that the kids have a similar thing going on.

I love how Gamzee’s just standing there in the foreground.


Then comes the bucket gag again. The bucket alone further bruises her impression of Rose. That right there, ordinary things being like a kid publicly showing a sex toy collection to aliens, is why fans love overusing that joke so much. OK that didn’t really need to be said because you probably know that assuming you’ve read Homestuck. Moving on.

Turns out Kanaya is the one who gave Rose her joke name, Flighty Broad. How does that even work? Who entered the names of the other beta kids? I don’t even know. She goes so far as to think Rose is mentally retarded and that she stole the Sburb walkthrough from somewhere else, which is weird to think of when you consider that they later constitute one of the comic’s strongest romantic relationships.



Kanaya decides to see if Rose’s friends are any better and trolls John months in the past.

GA: Hello 
GT: hi…? 
GA: Allow Me To Make This Simple 
GA: I Am A Troll From Another Universe Using A Chat Client Utility Which Is Capable Of Contacting You And Your Friends At Any Point Of Your Lives Which I Choose Up To And Including The Moment Of Your Own Incompetence Fueled Self Destruction 
GA: Im Looking For Evidence Of Intelligence In Your Species 
GA: A Reason 
GA: Any Reason At All Really 
GA: To Justify Wasting The Few Precious Remaining Moments Of My Life On You 
GA: It Has Fallen On Your Shoulders To Supply Me With That Reason John Human 

[…]


GT: so let me see if i have this straight… 

GT: you are a time traveling space alien from the future, sent here to study humans? 
GA: No 
GT: are you from mars? is it a mission of peace? 
GA: No John You Werent Listening 
GT: what does your time machine look like? a phone booth? phone booths are a popular thing for some reason. 
GA: Damn It 
GT: were you lured to earth by a huge gyroscopey thing that jodie foster piloted in contact, while matthew mcconaughey sort of acted as her spiritual guide i guess… 
GA: What The Hell 
GT: and then he kind of preached to her about having faith instead of believing in the sciences so hard all the time, and i guess in the end she believed him, maybe? 
GT: actually, im not even sure what the point of mcconaughey was in that movie. but he was still awesome. 
GT: and then jodie found her dad on an alien planet… but i think he was a ghost or something? or maybe an alien in disguise. 
GT: and then she went home and nobody believed her, but you just KNOW mcconaughey believed her. 
GT: because he had all the faith. and i mean ALL OF IT. 
GT: anyway, does that have any applicability to your cosmic interstellar astrojourney? 

I just love how badly John misunderstands what Kanaya says. He thinks she’s someone from one of his favorite sci-fi movies and rambles about the movie Contact. This is why I like him so much.

One think I find a bit weird is that when John talks about movies, he always refers to the characters by the actors who play them. I suppose he must be really into the actors or something.

GA: Okay Youre Even Dumber Than The Rose Human Thats Incredible Really 
GT: pff, i know i’m dumber than rose, that is not much of a burn, dude! 
GA: Im A Girl Not A Boy 
GT: oh, sorry. 
GT: i don’t know why i thought you were. 
GA: It Happens 

I always assume people on the Internet to be male by default. It’s probably a douchey sexist thing to do but whatever.

GA: Shes An Imbecile And Conveying How Much I Dislike Her At This Point Presents An Overwhelming Gauntlet Of Personal Expression 
GA: But Regardless She Said To Paste Something From Our Conversation 
GA: To Get You To Understand Whats Going On 
GA: I Have Strong Doubts It Will Be Effective But Here Goes 
GA: GA: I Should Figure Out How The Viewport Feature Of This Application Works 
GA: GA: So I Can See What Such A Primitive Creature Looks Like 
GA: TT: haha, well i know what you guys look like. 
GA: TT: you look kind of like… 
GA: TT: howie mandel from little monsters. 
GA: TT: even though, to be perfectly frank, he was kind of a big monster. 
GA: TT: because he was a big goofy adult. 
GA: TT: and fred savage was like his child prankster sidekick. 
GA: GA: Is This An Adversary You Have Encountered On Your Quest
GA: TT: no, it’s a movie. 
GA: TT: you should ask john about it, because he thinks it’s awesome, which it is. 
GT: hahaha! oh man, you blew it! 
GT: now i know for sure you’re trolling me. rose hates that movie. 
GA: Are You Suggesting 
GA: I Was Being Trolled 
GA: That It Was A Charade Meant To Make Me Look Foolish 
GT: possibly! i know that sure didn’t sound like her. 
GT: but i think it’s more likely that you made it all up cause you know i like that movie. 
GT: so i tip my cap to you, well played miss troll! 

I love how these misunderstandings spiral further and further into hillarity. This is my third read and I have to say I laughed really hard. But it’s not the kind of laughing where you let out a loud “HAHAHA”, it’s the kind where you open your mouth in a big stupid smile and feel like you’re going to lose your breath and die any minute. 

GA: Now Im Wondering If You Might Be Trolling Me As Well 
GT: ok well, just between you and me… 
GT: SOMEONE here is getting trolled. 
GT: and it just might be all three of us. 

Unlike his previous misunderstandings, John is right on here.

GT: but you shoulda told me you liked little monsters! 
GT: we could jam about that. what was your favorite part? 
GA: Suspicions Pitching Once Again Toward The Conclusion That You Are Just Very Stupid 
GT: i really want to get a little monsters poster, but they’re hard to find! 
GT: i asked my dad for one for christmas. fingers crossed! 
GA: Im Guessing Thats The Human Equivalent Of 12th Perigees Eve
GA: Will Your Adult Human Custodian Forage For Leavings As Ours Do 
GT: yup, that sure keeps sounding alien of you. 
GT: keep up the good work! 
GT: listen, i’m kind of busy, i have to wrap this present and mail it in a hurry. 
GT: so i’m going to block you! 
GT: but i might unblock you again soon, because you’re kinda cool. 
GA: Your Blocks Mean Nothing But Dont Worry You Wont Hear From Me Again 

John ends up liking her for coming off to him as a good and funny troll who likes the same movies he likes. He even considers unblocking her. 

GT: yeah well… 
GT: you might just hear from me! 
GT: also, you should give rose another chance. 
GT: she is really great! whatever she did, she was probably just pulling her mind games on you, it’s all in fun. 
GT: there is more to her than that, you’ll see. 
GT: bye! 

ghostyTrickster [GT] blocked grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

This here is the important bit that puts Kanaya and Rose on track for a better relationship. I already said what I was going to say about that bit in an Act 4 post, and I probably should have saved that for now. But I’ll quote what I said back then anyway:

It’s also worth noting that John, both in this exchange with Kanaya and his other exchange with her a few months in the past for him, unknowingly induces a friendship between the two of them. He jokingly asks that the two of them cut to the chase and be friends already in this conversation, and tells her that Rose is actually really great in the other conversation. He remains unaware of the fact that he played a part in his friend getting together with her cool girlfriend, a relationship which he really approves of.


Kanaya talks to Dave and Jade in the past as well though we don’t get to see those conversations. Dave probably was like “haha youre such an idiot and so are all the other trolls” and Jade was probably like “aaaauuuuugggghhh you are all so rude and stupid!!!!” and blocked her.


John is two days before Rose here, but times only hours apart have been shown to be just as many pixels apart. If this isn’t a continuity error I guess that implies that Trollian’s timeline has a zoom function.


Kanaya has a bunch more conversations with Rose which we either already saw or don’t see, and there’s all this snarky horseshitometer stuff which I don’t have much to say about, except for this bit:

You skip ahead to a point on her timeline when you suspect friendship may plausibly have been established already. You have your THIRD CONVERSATION. It does not go as well as you’d hoped. 

This reminds me of a joke I saw somewhere which tells you that if you want to build a time machine, you just need to start building one and your future self will travel back in time and give it to you.

Kanaya then has her eighth conversation with Rose.


What even is that red aura. We’re hardly even into Act 5 Act 2 and Rose is already doing some CRAZY shit.


GA: What 

GA: The Hell 
GA: Did You Just Do 
TT: Hi there. 
GA: You Actually Did It 
GA: Blew It Up I Mean 
GA: I Had Begun To Believe That Was Embellishment 
TT: This is it, isn’t it? 
GA: What Is It 
TT: This is the eighth conversation between us, from your perspective. 
TT: As well as mine. 
GA: Yeah 
TT: I’ve been looking forward to this. 

Rose says she’s been looking forward to this conversation (a call back to the start of John and Karkat’s first conversation). This implies that she’s kind of interested in that troll she’s been talking to as well (maybe or maybe or not romantically). John said the same about his first conversation with Karkat, but he’s definitely more open about enthusiasm and the like than Rose is, so when Rose says she’s been looking forward to something, she means it. This possible interest is only further supported the first thing she asks her:

GA: Really 
TT: Yes. 
TT: I have some questions for you. 
GA: What Questions Do You Have 
TT: I’ll start with a simple one. 
TT: Do trolls have names?

and the conversation cuts off. She definitely wants to get to know stuff about the troll she’s been talking to. Does she actually see her as a viable romantic partner? It wouldn’t surprise me if she knows at this point, or at least suspects, that the trolls and kids might meet in person. This right here is the stuff that builds up to their official relationship. Some relationships in Homestuck are frowned upon because they didn’t have buildup, but this one definitely has plenty of it.

Also, I like how each kid has a different way of knowing the trolls’ names. Vriska mentioned Terezi and Karkat’s names to John, Rose asked Kanaya what her name is, Terezi told Dave her name and presumably Vriska’s, Dave mentioned Vriska’s name to John, Feferi told Jade Karkat’s name, and I forget how Jade knows Kanaya’s name, or whether or not it’s ever said.


Is THIS why so many readers think John is bisexual or something?
I totally forgot this panel existed. 


AG: What. 

AG: The hell…….. 
AG: Are you doing!!!!!!!! 
EB: oh hey. 
AG: John, stop kissing that adult 8rown male human computer at once. 
EB: but… 
EB: it is bill cosby. 
EB: he’s back. 
EB: in laptop form. 

When you think about it there’s just so many actors John idolizes wholeheartedly. Nic Cage, Matt McConaughey, Harry Anderson, Bill Cosby… did I forget any? That isn’t actually that much but whatever.

(EDIT: I should mention that I learned about the real-world controversy surrounding Cosby shortly after I wrote this post.)

AG: Man. It is just another waste of time. 
AG: Everything you do is a huge waste. 
AG: A stupid pointless 8unch of w8stey w8stey w8stes. 
EB: excuse me, but spending just a little quality time with my man bill here is not a w8stey w8ste at all. 
EB: no amount of 8’s in words will make that true. 
AG: You have important things to do! 
AG: Remem8er Jade???????? 
EB: of course i do! jeez! 
EB: ok, i’m going.

Note the similarity to when Terezi was about to blast him off to his seventh gate.


AG: Noooooooo!!!!!!!! 
AG: XXXXO 
EB: what?!?!?! 
AG: What the fuck are you doing now! 
EB: i am going to blast off and fly a little higher, to see if i can find nanna up there! 
EB: and then i will install the game. 
EB: it will only take a second! 
AG: No, that’s not what I mean! 
AG: I know that’s what you’re going to do. 
AG: You’re just not supposed to do it now! 
AG: You are supposed to do something else first. And then fly up. It’s right here on your timeline. 8y attempting to do the thing you’re not supposed to do yet, you are just wasting more of our time!!!!!!!! 

Vriska bossing John around some more, and even doing the predestination stuff. Is she just like, fuck it, I’m going to go along with everything that I know is going to happen? She does seem to do that a lot, like causing Bec Noir to be a thing. She probably created Arquiusprite because she knows he’ll be part of Lord English. I guess that’s just doing the Vriska thing.

EB: jeez!!! 
EB: you are incredibly bossy. 
EB: more like marquise bossyfangs. 
AG: I told you, that’s my role playing name, not my real one! So your weak 8urn means nothing. 
EB: no, you did not tell me that you like to play troll dungeons and dragons. 

RIGHT. ON. Dungeons and Dragons is one of many things that I see kids talk about in school and can’t help but think, god it’s so weird. At least half of the kids at my school have some kind of interest like that. I know there’s a handful who are into Homestuck but I haven’t bothered talking to them for some reason. Come to think of it, Homestuck’s classpect system is very much like a roleplaying game thing, like a version of Dungeons and Dragons where people fight over the meanings of most of the classes because some of them hardly have hints as to what they do. I have no idea how that game actually works so I could be way off on that. Fun fact: I knew the name of a SpongeBob episode titled Dunces and Dragons before I even knew about Dungeons and Dragons so for a while the name of the game brought a SpongeBob episode to mind.

I’m probably a bit of a hypocrite here because I think most people who know about Homestuck but don’t read it think it’s some weird bullshit, my past self included.

EB: has it occurred to you that i might be wasting so much time because you keep pestering me telling me how much time i’m wasting? 
EB: and then when i’m about to make progress you tell me i am doing the wrong thing! 
EB: if it weren’t for you i would be playing this game already. 
AG: Okaaaaaaaay, shut up! 
AG: Fine. I will hold your hand every step of the way, since that’s apparently how you want to do this. 
EB: but it isn’t! 
AG: I said shut up! 

When Vriska realizes she’s wrong, she won’t admit it, rather she changes the subject.

AG: Look, you are a8out to make yourself a new outfit, and THEN you will fly up and install the game. 
EB: oh… 
EB: but why would i do that? my ecto labsuit is rad! 
AG: 8ecause you look like an idiot! 
EB: 😦 
AG: Seriously, it’s a good thing I did decide to 8other you now. Otherwise you would go through the game looking like a little weenie 8oy-Skylark. 
EB: what is a boy skylark? 
AG: It is the most terri8le, gutless class for wimpy losers, ones who have no idea how to handle themselves when a girl talks to them and stuff. 
EB: actually, i think i remember passing that rung on my echeladder a while ago. 
AG: Yes, exactly! It is 8eneath you, John. 
AG: You are clearly much 8etter than that. You should dress like it. 
EB: who cares what i dress like? it is what’s inside the adventurer that counts. 
AG: Hahahahahahahaha! 
AG: I watched you actually say that with a str8 f8ce. Oh my god. 


John has a penchant for saying goofy-sounding things with a straight face. This reminds me of all the cornball things Jake says, which I think is a trait of John’s that he amplifies.

AG: Trolls are an extremely fashion-minded race, John. You should make a note of this, since you pretend to 8e a scientist or something. 
EB: ha ha, it sounds like you have a really lame culture. 
AG: John, that is an outr8geous thing to say. You don’t even know how important the fashions are, so 8e quiet. 

Vriska is pretty much the only character in Homestuck who tricks people just by making shit up. This is another way practically everyone at this point is more clever than her. But like previously, John buys it and thinks it’s lame.

EB: laaaaaaaame.
AG: Look at that! You counted out 8 a’s for me, John! That is so thoughtful of you.
EB: oh, ha ha…
EB: i didn’t even count. it just…
EB: turned out like that.
AG: Really????????
EB: yeah.
AG: <33333333 

This is the first time Vriska officially rubs off on John. Trolls rubbing off on kids is a pattern that happens with all four of them that’s introduced and played out only this act.

Also, note Vriska’s heart emoticon.

EB: ok, anyway, i will make a new suit, but i am not ditching my ectosuit!!!
EB: it is so sweet, i look like link, if zelda was a quest about an elf scientist.
EB: i am the wind waker. it’s me.
AG: I know you are, John.
AG: Now empty out your sylladex and let’s see what sort of killer gear we can make for you. 8ut do it fast!

John thinks Dungeons and Dragons is dumb but gleefully compares himself to something from a different well-known fantasy game. I’m kind of the same way with the things I am or was into vs. the many more things I’m not into. Also, Vriska is flat out foreshadowing stuff here.

We switch back to Rose, who has a conversation with Kanaya which we cut off on a little while ago.

GA: Ive Just Been Meaning To Say 
GA: That I Read Your Instructional Guide
TT: Oh? 
GA: Yeah 
TT: Sorry to hear you were subjected to that. 
GA: Why 
TT: It was a little melodramatic in retrospect. Heavy-handed. 
TT: But now it’s stuck on that server forever, broadcasting the notes of very confused girl sifting through the aftermath of just another pedestrian apocalypse somewhere in paradox space. 

So the discussion of Rose’s walkthrough begins. She talks about how she’s moved past that and is now in the process of fucking shit up.

TT: Have you ever written a message you regretted instantly upon sending? 
GA: Lately 
GA: Almost Perpetually 
TT: That line included? 
GA: Wow Yeah Kind Of 
GA: Also 
GA: That One 

I like how Rose kind of knows what’s up with Kanaya. It seems like their conversations omit things that go without saying. For example, as far as I know, Rose never says anything like, “There’s this troll who pesters me a lot who I think has a thing for me.” Also the awkwardness discussed here is exactly like what I talked about in one of the Act 4 posts.

TT: I’m sure you must regard the walkthrough as pretty quaint.
TT: As a veteran of the game.
GA: Actually
GA: At The Time Of Reading It Lent Some Useful Insight 
GA: Into The Nature Of The Game I Hadnt Yet Considered 

I think she’s talking about Rose’s descriptions of how the game has lots of stuff that undeniably counts as magic, and more significantly, how the game can reasonably be thought of as a malevolent force. They then discuss Rose’s whole thing of destroying stuff.

GA: Okay 
GA: But These Means Presently On Display 
GA: Are Making Me A Little Nervous 
GA: I Think Its Kind Of A Reckless Use Of 
TT: Of what? 
GA: These Forces 
TT: Dark magic, you mean? 
GA: Yes 
GA: Well 
GA: Influence By The Gods From The Furthest Ring 
GA: The Communion You Seem To Have Developed With Them I Find Kind Of Troubling 
TT: I don’t think they are as nefarious as you might imagine. 
TT: Many of them seem to be intent on helping us. 
GA: How Exactly Do You Know That 
TT: From their whispers in my dreams. 

Rose, a Derse dreamer, calls Skaia “malevolent” but trusts the Horrorterrors completely. Kanaya, a Prospit dreamer, thinks the inverse. People reading this will no doubt question Rose’s motives here. Why does she trust those space Cthulhus? It probably ties in with her interest in eldritch abominations, which begs the question, where did that interest come from? Did Jade dream that Rose would go to a bookstore and buy a book on those elder gods? Or is that just built into Rose as a Derse dreamer? Jade doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would encourage people to read about huge tentacle monsters. But as I wrote this sentence, Squiddles immediately came to mind. Maybe Rose and Jade aren’t so different after all.

GA: How Much Time Have You Really Spent Sleeping 
GA: Since You Began Playing 
TT: Not much. 
TT: But quite a lot in a failed timeline. 
TT: And now and then, memories surface from that alternate reality. 
TT: Vague memories, but unmistakable in familiarity, like spontaneously remembering a dream from years ago by some inexplicable catalyst. 
TT: In that reality, they spoke to me in my sleep and told me much of what I needed to know. 
TT: Including what to do to reset our timeline and create the present reality. 

I had completely forgotten about this description of Rose’s memories of Davesprite’s timeline.

TT: I have assurances I’m on the right track. 
TT: Surely you must have spoken to the gods by now. 
TT: What did they tell you to make you so suspicious? 
GA: Actually 
GA: I Havent 
GA: I Have Never Visited Derse Or Traveled Beyond The Veil 
GA: Prospits Moon Was My Home 
GA: For Most Of My Dreaming Life 
TT: It was? 
GA: Yes 
TT: This surprises me. 
GA: Why 
TT: … 
TT: Good question. 

I think it’s because many characters find Kanaya and Rose to be very similar people, so having opposite traits or game assignments would be surprising to them. I’m not going to get all role-inversion-y up in here, but I will note that it’s pretty common for two characters in Homestuck to simultaneously parallel and contrast against each other. I’m not going to list all of those pairs, but John and Karkat are a pretty prominent example.

GA: Skaia Was Always The Foil For My Curiosity 
GA: But It Only Showed Me What I Needed To See 
GA: It Very Much Had The Presence Of Something Sentient 
GA: And 
GA: Benevolent 
GA: But Silent 
GA: Not Something To Converse With Or Be Instructed By 
GA: Or Anything With An Agenda Beyond Which It Knows To Be Manifest Already 
GA: Like A Very Clear Mirror 
GA: That Has Everything There Is To See Inside It 
GA: But Only Some Things Are Visible At Any Given Moment 
GA: I Always Trusted It 
GA: And I Dont Trust Gods That Would Eschew Its Light 

That right here is the, sorry readers who hate seeing that word, inversion I’m talking about. I promise it’s not a batshit role inversion theory based on disputable class pairing headcanons and pairings of those pairings or whatever. Kanaya describes Skaia as “benevolent” in contrast to Rose saying it’s “malevolent”, and Kanaya directly states that she doesn’t trust those elder gods while Rose just as explicitly says she does. It’s precisely the inverse of what Rose thinks.

TT: You didn’t actually answer my question. 
TT: When was it exactly that you read my walkthrough?
GA: Oh 
GA: A While Ago 
TT: Before you first contacted me? 
GA: I Have To Confess That 
GA: Ive Been Experiencing Something Like 
GA: Impression Whiplash 
GA: Since That Time 
TT: What do you mean? 
GA: At First I Thought You Were Foolish And Incompetent 
TT: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. 
TT: It was an honest mistake, I swear. 

Rose never mentioned that John was impersonating her the first time Kanaya contacted her. I think she found it obvious that that’s what was going on but never bothered saying it because it’s so obvious. It’s just like what I was talking about earlier in my commentary on this exchange (to see it, scroll up a bit).

GA: You See Thats What Im Talking About 
GA: That Was A Very Snarky Remark That Happened Just Now 
GA: Stratified By Your Signature Varieties Of Insincerity Which Cut Through The Literal Meaning Of The Statement Like Colorful Ribbons 
GA: And The Net Intent Is Something Maddening To Try To Know 
GA: Its Meaning I Think Exists At The Inscrutable Nexus Of Semantic Space Where Humor Chafes Against Soft Malice 
GA: A Place Perhaps The Human Mind Occupies More Comfortably I Dont Know 
GA: Xenopsychology Isnt My Strong Suit 
GA: Or Even A Real Word 
TT: … 

How does Hussie even write these weird rambles.

GA: Why Dont You Put The Turtle Ruins Down 
GA: And Return To Your House 
GA: I Have Sketched Some New Outfits For You That I Think Are Nice
GA: We Could Try To Make Them 
GA: It Will Be Fun 
TT: You seem to have taken quite an interest in my wardrobe decisions. 
TT: Are all trolls so fashion-minded? 
GA: Urrgh No 
GA: Sadly 

Here’s another call back to other kid/troll interactions. Kanaya is actually honest about her unique interest in fashion, unlike Vriska who makes stuff up.

TT: Maybe later. 
GA: What If There Isnt A Later 
TT: Well, we already know there won’t be. 
TT: That’s nothing new. 
GA: I Mean 
GA: There Not Being A Later Might Happen Sooner Than You Think 
TT: Wow, what? 
GA: I Mean 
GA: For You Specifically 

We aren’t far into Act 5 Act 2 and there’s already hints of a pretty ominous thing happening to Rose.

This is what she’s doing as she’s having this conversation.


G
A: Alright 
GA: I Cant See You In The Future 
GA: The Viewport Wont Let Me After A Certain Point 
GA: Its Black 
GA: But Only For You 
GA: Not The Others 
TT: When? 
GA: Several Hours From Now 
GA: Do You Know Why This Could Be 

If that isn’t ominous, nothing is.

TT: That’s thoughtful of you. 
TT: To strive to pacify me as I scuffle down this black corridor. 
GA: Wait 
GA: Is That What Im Doing 
TT: Is it? 
GA: On Second Thought 
GA: Thats Not What I Want To Do 
TT: Oh. 
TT: That’s a pity. 
TT: Who will make sure my soul isn’t forfeit in service of gods then? 
GA: Well 
GA: I Hope That Doesnt Happen 
GA: But Id Rather Not Get Stuck In That Kind Of Pattern Again 
GA: So If You Want To Wreck Turtle Villages And Tear Your Planet Apart On The Counsel Of Dark Gods 
GA: Fine With Me I Guess 
TT: What do you mean, “again?” 
GA: Ur 
GA: Ill Do The Thing You Do When You Dont Say Anything 
GA: “…” 

I like how she accidentally implies having feelings for Rose (she doesn’t want to be stuck as moirails with someone she’s attracted to like what happened with Vriska), but only the other trolls would actually get the implication here. Soon after Rose finally gets around to asking her question:

TT: What do you know about the Green Sun? 
GA: Ive Never Heard Of It 
TT: Thank you. 
TT: The transaction was very tidy. 
GA: Agreed

Cue readers thinking “what the fuck is the green—oh wait, never mind. OK, kind of never mind. Attentive readers may remember it as the Chekhov’s sun (awful pun) glimpsed in a few scenes with Bec. But not all readers are attentive. I wonder whether I would have recognized the green sun from the scenes with Bec if I actually read Homestuck the first way through. Probably not? Even now I’m not the most attentive reader when it comes to reading stuff for the first time. I always used to have a bad habit of skimming books I read, and I think reading Homestuck for the first time and realizing I didn’t understand anything may have taught me not to do that.

I would have stopped a bit later so that next post would start with what Dave is up to just like this one started with what Rose is up to, but this post is getting pretty long.

As for my future schedule, a post covering 50 pages every Sunday may be decent, but at the same time, it might be pretty slow. I’ll see what happens; if I fall into a pattern, then I guess that’s my schedule for you.

See you next time as Dave does stuff.

>> Part 30: Coolkid Phenomination Station

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 28: The Egbert-Serket Chronicles

Introduction

Part 27 | Part 28Part 29 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 1 of 32

Pages 2626-2682 (MSPA: 4526-4582)

NOTE: I’m starting a new posting style where I do more commenting as I go and quoting everything I have to say something about rather than these wordy paragraphs and occasional quotes. I also renamed the blog post series to a somewhat more fitting title.

You finally found him. After hours of searching.
No.
SWEEPS of searching.

The opening flash of Act 5 Act 2 is absolutely brilliant. We just got done learning all about how incredibly messed up troll civilization is, and now we go back to the kids’ universe, recapping John’s life, and it seems so magical and beautiful. The scenes with John and his father are so adorably heartwarming, especially baby John riding his pogo and bruising his leg, and his dad walking over to him. He learns to cook and play piano, is taught the ways of pranking, talks to Jade for the first time, gets a green slime shirt, and then starts playing Sburb and goes through some stuff we already saw, until we see where we last saw waking John, riding a rocket board through the Veil. Karkat falls in hate with him, thinking he’s his true destined kismesis (note the spade shirt), which I didn’t realize until now is special for him because he said a little while ago that his standards are too high to have a worthy black partner, barring himself.

Note the early sneak peek of the god tier outfit.

We get to see Karkat’s first time speaking to a human in their famous “first conversation”. I find it interesting how their first conversation is not shown near the end of the kids’ arc, rather at the start of the kids’ portion of Act 5. Maybe this is done for dramatic irony, because John says multiple times that he thinks his first conversation with Karkat will be legendary, but we know how it really goes.

CG: ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN. 
CG: THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. 
CG: IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR.
CG: I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD.
CG: I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME.
CG: WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL.
CG: PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK.
CG: BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE “PARADISE” PLANET.
CG: BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED.
CG: THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN.
CG: ONLY MY HATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG.
CG: SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER.
CG: IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU.
CG: MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE.
CG: IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU.
CG: YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THAT.
CG: YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT. 
EB: hi karkat! 

John and Karkat’s first conversation opens with Karkat giving this whole dramatic poetic speech about his incredible hate for John, until John absolutely ruins the moment, simply by saying, “hi karkat!” I love how this simple greeting is an extreme moment killer.

CG: WHAT 
CG: HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME. 
EB: oh man.
EB: this is it, isn’t it?
EB: i’ve been looking forward to this!
CG: WHAT IS IT.
CG: ME HATING YOU IS WHAT’S IT.
CG: IF THAT’S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO.
EB: no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective.
EB: right? 

John being really casual and friendly to Karkat shocks the hell out of him. Part of the deal with John is how he always keeps things lighthearted unless something dumb pisses him off or if it’s something really seriously sad.

CG: AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS? 
CG: I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS. 
EB: you mean the scratch?
CG: WHATEVER.
EB: yes! that is the plan.
EB: you yourself said it was the only hope now. 

This conversation has quite a few hints of future events; these hints are everywhere in Homestuck and are a driving force for its mystery arc stuff. I think mystery arcs might also be why this conversation was shown to us so early.

EB: anyway, hey! 
EB: i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING! 
EB: come on bro, flame me!
EB: i have been really excited about this.
CG: YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU?
CG: I MEAN
CG: DON’T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED.
CG: IT’S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE?
EB: um…
EB: i don’t know, probably not.
EB: i just think it’s kind of funny when you do it. 

I just love how weird it sounds for John to want Karkat to troll him. But instead of trolling John, Karkat makes it obvious that he has black feelings for him, but John turns him down with his famous line:

EB: well… 
EB: i just didn’t really have any idea that you had any sort of feelings like that, so i am kind of caught off guard. 
CG: WHAT FEELINGS, THERE ARE NO FEELINGS, END OF DISCUSSION.
EB: hey, i don’t have a problem with your weird sort of alien hate-love thing!
EB: it is just that, uh…
CG: WHAT
EB: i am not a homosexual.

It’s not uncommon for readers to argue that John was joking about it and actually is bisexual or something, or that it’s a cover-up thing, but I think John is being completely honest here. Also, the way he put it is pretty funny. Karkat doesn’t know what it means to be homosexual and finds it weird that humans have a word for that, which I think is the first confirmation that trolls are generally bisexual. This might be an alright time to talk about the kids’ sexualities and the problems and imbalances regarding how they are (or aren’t) presented *coughDavecough*, but I don’t really feel like it.

EB: anyway, i kind of got the impression that you and terezi were a thing. 

As if the conversation wasn’t hilariously awkward enough. As usual Karkat goes ballistic at this claim and says it’s none of John’s business. Amusingly John seems to think they’re in hate romance, but Karkat says that if they were a thing it definitely wouldn’t be that quadrant. Even more amusing is John’s following line, “oh god, the quadrants…”

EB: karkat, i am going to be honest… 
EB: this first conversation is not going how i thought it would at all! 
EB: it is really kind of… 
EB: awkward. 

It’s weird imagining this first conversation going the way John thought. Maybe Karkat uses terms for troll organs or something to talk about how stupid John is and John just laughs and Karkat gets angry at how John’s laughing and John laughs even more, ad infinitum?

CG: OK, LOOK.
CG: LET’S JUST AGREE TO NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.
CG: THE STUFF I WAS BABBLING ABOUT EARLIER.
EB: yeah, well we never really talked about it in the past, so i guess we do agree to that.

The funny thing is, three years later Karkat would freely recount that moment with John as if it wasn’t that embarrassing at all. He does say he’s put all that stuff behind him, but still.

CG: BUT IF I TALK TO YOU AGAIN
CG: IN YOUR FUTURE, LIMITED THOUGH IT IS
CG: YOU’LL REMEMBER MY EMBARRASSING SHIT
CG: SO I GUESS
CG: I’LL HAVE TO TROLL YOU BACKWARDS?
EB: told you bro!!!!!!!
EB: hahahaha.

It’s pretty amusing how Karkat says it makes no sense for him to troll John backwards but ends up doing so anyway. When he finally decides to start flaming John, he says he’s out of time, and says “see you soon”, which is yet another one of those mystery arc hints.

Up next is another funny memo started by Terezi instead of Karkat. Unlike Karkat, Terezi decided to make her memos free for everyone to post on except for Karkat; she mentioned this in a previous conversation. I think this shows a difference between her and Karkat: Karkat is uptight and wants it to be about people listening to him, while Terezi is a lot more laid back and social. Terezi asks everyone to give their input on trolling the humans, but Karkat from the past repeatedly gets on the memo and is banned from it each time. The other trolls have pretty varied reactions to the plan:

CAC: :33 < *the especially impurrtant pouncellor looks really serious and thoughtful as she scoots her chair out from under the official courty looking table and begins to pace around thoughtfurry* 
CAC: :33 < *she doesnt understand why 
CAC: :33 < i dont understand why we are doing this!
CAC: :33 < what was the point again? 


CTA: ii already told KK what ii thought about thii2 awful iidea. 

CTA: iit ju2t make2 NO 2en2e, you can count me out. 
CTA: you all can troll the2e iincompetent aliien2 all you want, iit won’t change anythiing.
CTA: ii’ll ju2t be over here waiitiing two diie wiith diigniity, ok well maybe iit’2 two late for that, but ju2t diie ii gue22, and y’all can 2uck iit biitche2. 


CAA: i will n0t be participating 


CCC: I still don’t quite understand t)(e plan eit)(er. 

CCC: I mean, I don’t really mind talking to t)(em! It could be fun and t)(ey look interesting. 
CCC: But I really don’t t)(ink t)(is is all t)(eir fault.
CCC: Can’t we say nice t)(ings to t)(em instead of troll t)(em?
CCC: Maybe even )(-ELP t)(em! 38) 

Many of them clearly aren’t really into this whole plan—ironic given that they were first introduced as some rude Internet trolls. Terezi said so in an exchange with Davesprite. Then Karkat comes in and he and Terezi start mashing each other’s keyboards and arguing.

CAG: Do you guys realize you are sharing a key8oard and taking turns to argue with each other? 
CAG: That is kind of cute. ::::) 
CTA: yeah ii hate to 2ay iit, but iit really 2ort of ii2. 

This makes at least two trolls who think Karkat and Terezi are cute together; Karkat, as usual, denies it. I always think moments like this, where a character (especially one who isn’t much into “cute” things) ships two others, are pretty amusing. Terezi’s about to end the memo until she and Karkat from the future respond, reasurring past Terezi and saying that he’ll be sick respectively, and the memo ends.

We don’t get too much plot stuff out of the memo. I think the point of it was to give a feel for what Terezi’s memos are like, and to confirm that all twelve trolls are still up and about.

He was that close.

Then we pick up John’s arc from where we left off. His first command is “Land already”, fitting given that for the last 600-odd pages we last saw him flying on a rocket board. Vriska tries to manipulate him and ends up cutting short a reunion between him and his father. I like how the first thing Vriska does to a human inadvertently ruins a heartfelt reunion, and how the Skaian clouds remind readers what we last saw the other three kids doing. It’s easy to forget how frequently Skaian clouds are used as information devices to readers in this act with all those sequences of John walking around Skaia.

AG: Joooooooo 
AG: oooooooo 
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooo
AG: oooooooohn!
AG: W8ke up!!!!!!!!
EB: heheh. i am pronouncing that like a really long “june”. 
EB: that is so many o’s.
AG: It is 8ight groups of 8ight. I specifically counted them.
AG: It’s sort of a thing I do.
EB: you typed my name in 64 bit.
AG: Wow. What a nerd! 

This is the start of Vriska’s first conversation with John, the start of their dynamic which I promised a while back would warrant much analysis. Vriska’s first impression of John is that he’s a nerd, but John remembers talking to her months back, noting that she threatened to kill him.

EB: since one of you already managed to trick me into getting myself killed. 
EB: well, in another timeline at least. 
AG: Man.
AG: That was pro8a8ly Terezi! I should have known she would pull something like that. What a meddler.
EB: terezi?
AG: Yes. The pesky 8lind troll who licks her monitor and smells words and stuff. The one who got you killed. I’m sure of it! 
EB: huh. it never really occurred to me to ask what your names are. 
EB: kinda rude of me! 
EB: what is yours?
AG: Marquise Spinneret Mindfang. ::::)
EB: man, that sounds so made up!
EB: but if you say so, marquise. 
AG: Spinneret! Marquise is a title, stupid. 
EB: oh, ok. 

This is the first time John learns the name of one of the trolls. I don’t personally think it was that rude not to ask the names of the trolls; lots of people on the Internet, including myself, don’t share their real names. Then again the impetus for withholding one’s name—strangers rummaging through your personal information and potentially committing crimes on you—is virtually absent here. I also find it interesting how when Vriska first interacts with the humans she makes up a fake name for herself but freely mentions the names of the other trolls. Even though a bit later she admits that isn’t her name but refuses to tell him her real name.

EB: ok, i will be sure to let my guard down. 
EB: psyche!!!!!!!!! 
EB: oh damn, that was 9 !’s. 
EB: !!!!!!!1 
EB: shit! 
EB: never mind. 

I didn’t realize until now that John already did (or at least tried to do) the so-called “Vriska thing” in his first (technically second) conversation with her.

AG: You can’t sleep now, John! 
AG: What a8out J8de???????? 
EB: oh god, i forgot! 
EB: poor jade… 😦 
EB: i hope she is alright. 
AG: She’s fine. I can see her right now! 
AG: 8ut she will not 8e for long if you don’t get her into your session. 
EB: yeah, you’re right. 
EB: i have to hurry and go save her! 
EB: see ya! 
AG: Wait!!!!!!!! 
AG: Where the hell do you think you’re going to go? You don’t even have your copy of the game yet! 
EB: oh yeah… 
EB: duh, stupid stupid dumb. 
EB: do you know where i am supposed to get it? 
AG: Easy! Just w8 around for a few minutes. 
EB: hmm… 
EB: ok? 

Likewise, Vriska already starts guiding John in her first time talking to him, and she also already says exactly why:

AG: See, John? You need me to advance. 
AG: Even though you were going to do this stuff anyway, it turns out I am the reason you were going to do it anyway in the first place! 
AG: Your timeline is my we8, and suddenly you are all tangled up in it, wriggling and helpless. 
AG: Isn’t that cooooooool???????? 

This right here is the other Vriska thing: taking any opportunity to be the one responsible for important things. She’s going to be doing a lot of that in this act.

It took so damn long.

John finally gets his second disc of the game we knew about since page one of Homestuck … after over two and a half thousand pages. There’s quite a few things in Homestuck that once would expect to happen early on that happen quite late. Some other examples are face-to-face conversations between regular characters shown without any fancy methods (after all the kids become god tier), and the four beta kids all gathering together (doesn’t happen until Caliborn’s Masterpiece, and if that doesn’t count, it happens a bit thereafter but with Jade asleep). Even the alpha kids all gather together long before the beta kids do.

I like the ominous black Z bubble.

Jade lands already, just like John does. Bec saves her from falling to death, and she falls asleep again. The black Z bubble, which I didn’t notice differs from the usual Z bubble until now, is some pretty nice foreshadowing of dreaming in the Furthest Ring. WV? sees that all his soldiers are dead, and notices the ring in the river of blood. Then we switch to John again.

EB: jade is not answering! 
EB: are you sure she’s ok? 
AG: She’s asleep! 
AG: She sure seems to sleep a lot. She sort of reminds me of my goo8er teamm8. 
AG: He napped through most of the adventure, and was practically useless. 
EB: oh… 
EB: you mean carcino geneticist? 
AG: Hahahaha, no way! Karkat is so up tight, he hardly slept a wink over the whole 600 hour span of our quest. 
AG: He didn’t even wake up on the moon until AFTER we won the game, hahahahahahahaha. 
AG: What a loser. 
EB: heheh. car cat. that is how i am saying that. 
EB: beep beep, meow! 
EB: i will have to remember to give him a hard time about that. 
AG: John, you are pretty weird! I can see why you would piss him off so much. 
EB: it is really not hard to do that. 
AG: Tell me a8out it! 

Here, in the continuation of their first conversation, we see John bonding with Vriska over how easily Karkat is set off. Also now we know how John knows Karkat’s name.

EB: i never even saw prospit. 
EB: aside from flaming bits and pieces of it i guess. 
EB: something happened, and it blew up, and dream jade died, and then i was wandering around this place that was like a chess board with a huge crater in it, with loads of dead black and white guys everywhere. 
AG: Yes, I know all that! That place is the 8attlefield, which is where your dream self lives now. You will appear there any time you go to sleep. 
AG: Prospit dreamers are supposed to end up there eventually. If they’re any good, that is. ::::) 
AG: 8ut you got there so much sooner. Normally a dreamer’s journey to the 8attlefield will not 8e so spectacularly sudden and violent. Meteoric, if you will! 

What’s weird is we never see a typical example of such a journey. Do Prospit dreamers typically fly there or alchemize wings or build bridges or something? This reminds me again of how much stuff in the troll session is skipped over.

EB: the funny thing is, he is not even really my dad. 
EB: i mean, i was adopted by him, although we are not actually unrelated, i think. 
EB: he is the son of my grandmother, who isn’t really my grandmother… 
EB: nanna is sort of like my biological mother, and my biological father would be jade’s grandpa, sorta. 
EB: both of which i just created, with slime and stuff, and sent back in time as babies. 
EB: so i guess, if anything, that makes my dad… 
EB: my half brother??? 
AG: ::::\ 
EB: tell me about it!

You’d think John would be more weirded out by this revelation. But no, instead he freaks out about company he irrationally hates making a candy he loves.

EB: but i know where i’m going! 
EB: terezi already made me a map. 
AG: What!!!!!!!! 
EB: first she made a really crappy one, then a really nice one that works kind of like google. 
EB: she started helping me after she tried to kill me. 
AG: Ugh. She is still trying to one up me I see. Even preempting my awesome helpfulness! 
AG: When did she do that? I mean from my perspective? Do you think she already did it, or hasn’t done it yet? 

Not sure whether this is actually Terezi’s motives or classic Vriska misconceptions.

EB: you mean like a candle light hate date? 
AG: God, no!!!!!!!! With a human? Gross. 

This line is a bit weird because usually romance between trolls and humans isn’t generally seen as particularly weird. For example, neither John nor Roxy think that Rose and Kanaya being together is the slightest bit weird. I think we are to presume that trolls and humans are very anatomically similar, even though baby trolls are apparently insects and many people’s troll biology headcanons are pretty bizarre. Only Karkat is set off by the prospect of trolls smooching humans, which I guess can be attributed to how practically everything sets him off.

AG: You won’t win? Says who????????? 
EB: you guys. 
EB: it is practically all you ever say. 
AG: Well, ok yes, you are screwed. And so are we. 
AG: 8ut so what! 
AG: Just 8ecause you are going to fail doesn’t mean it won’t 8e any fun along the way! 
AG: 8y the looks of things, you have a very exciting 24 hours ahead of you. 
AG: It’ll 8e one hell of a reckoning!

Despite the whole inevitable failure thing, Vriska won’t pass up a chance to involve herself in relevant stuff.

AG: That form prepares Skaia to grow the new universe you will cre8te. 
AG: Or in this case, fail to cre8te. 8ut whatever! 
AG: That is no reason to deter you from completing worthwhile game o8jectives. 
EB: we are supposed to create a universe? 
AG: Yeah! You didn’t realize that yet? 
EB: no! 
AG: 8oy. How clueless can you get. 
EB: why are we supposed to do that? 
AG: What a stupid question! It is the point of the game. It’s what happens when you win, and winning is the only point of anything. 

Dammit, pretty much everything Vriska has said so far in this post makes me think “classic Vriska”.

EB: well to be honest, i never really believed any of your guys’s doom and gloom nonsense. 
EB: not because i think you are lying… 
EB: i just feel like there must still be a way to win! 

And a bit of classic John as well. This right here exemplifies John’s attitude to the world. None of the four kids actually give up when they find out that they’ll fail somehow.

This is what happened to the starting location of Homestuck.

John returns to his room to see it ruined by the imps. I remember getting to this point in my first read, reading that John must get his hands on a new computer somehow, and I never got to a point where I thought, oh, this is when John gets his hands on a new computer like the narration promised. This sequence feels kind of like a throwback to Act 1 with these pixelated zoom-ins to faces of posters, not to mention that John is commanded to examine his room, the same command he’s given at the very beginning of Homestuck.

AG: John, why are you standing around wasting time???????? 
EB: um, i don’t know. you can see my future, can’t you? 
EB: how much time am i wasting? 
AG: Enough to make me wonder what the hell your deal is! 
EB: then i would venture to guess i am wasting time because you chose to pester me just now! 
AG: Dammit, John. 
AG: Stop sounding smarter than me. It is un8ecoming of someone so inferior. 

I like how John one-ups Vriska without even trying. Dave and Rose would OWN her should she have chosen to talk to them. They do eventually talk to Vriska, but it’s after three years of knowing her; both think of her as kind of a tool but put up with her. Why didn’t she at all talk to any of the other kids? I suppose she wanted someone impressionable to meddle with, leaving Dave and Rose out of the question, and Jade is probably eliminated because she reminds her of Tavros who she already tried and failed to “improve”.

EB: i mean, i was just pausing for a moment… 
EB: to look at my trashed movie posters. 
EB: they bring back memories, of a life that i guess is long gone now. 
EB: but you probably know what that is all about. 
AG: Yeah, I know. 
EB: it wasn’t even that long ago, but it already seems like forever since i was on earth! 
EB: it was a pretty nice place, i bet you would have liked it. 

I guess John feels the same way I do about this segment.

EB: this one here is so great. it is about this street tough renegade who did hard time behind bars, and wants nothing more in the world than to reunite with his loving wife and daughter. but not so fast! he has to go on crazy and dangerous escapades through the sky with a motley assortment of rogues led by john malkovich, who is wise to cage’s heroic nature and pure heart. they tether a grumpy police man’s awesome car to the plane and smash it, and then later they crash into some casinos. cage gets out of the wreckage and hugs his family, and i usually tear up a little. 
EB: that is my working troll title for the movie, i hope it was ok. 

I like when characters speak in paragraphs like this. I also like how John made up a troll title for his favorite movie. I also like how he stops what he’s doing to tell a random troll about his glorious movies.

AG: Your pail is showing, stupid!!!!!!!!
EB: my pail? 
EB: you mean this bucket here? 
AG: Yes! Come on, will you take a hint and show some decorum???????? 
EB: umm… 
EB: i’m really not following. what do you have against buckets?
AG: Man! Nothing, really. It’s just…….. 
AG: Ok, may8e humans don’t really have any sense of shame over this sort of thing? 
EB: shame over what? 
EB: it’s just a bucket! you know, for putting soapy water in and cleaning stuff with. 
EB: why, what do trolls use them for? 
AG: Oh. 
AG: Haha, yeah, of course! 
AG: That’s what I was talking a8out. Your cleaning 8ucket. 
AG: In troll culture we consider cleaning products to 8e really indecent or something! 
AG: I am 8lushing furiously a8out it right now. Please try to 8e sensitive to my cultural ways and understandings. 

This is the first instance of the infamous bucket gag. Homestuck is known for that joke—it’s one of the things most popularly associated with it, a bit below the trolls themselves. I can’t help but wonder what trolls use to carry liquids around instead of buckets. Probably some goofy slime pod thing. Also Vriska is a terrible liar; nobody would sincerely end a statement about people’s social conventions with “or something”. But John buys it anyway.

John goes to his balcony and sees imps trashing his house, one of whom is carrying a broom. Here’s his reaction to the broom:

Oh no, more embarrassing cleaning apparatus. You’ve got to hide it before Sekret Spinneret or whatever her name is sees it and gets upset.

This narration line tells us that after conversing with Vriska for not too long, he already doesn’t want to upset her. By this point he clearly has warmed up to the trolls and realized that they’re beings with regular feelings so I suppose that’s why he does that.

I really like these perspective views.

John looks up to see his house built way up and talks to Rose about it. This is the first conversation between two humans in—hang on let me do a quick search—over 800 pages. Holy shit.

EB: hey rose! 
TT: Hi. 
EB: how are you doing? i don’t even remember the last time we talked. 
EB: i have been so busy. 
EB: and it looks like you have been too. 
EB: i mean, hopy shit! 
EB: my house is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE! 
TT: Actually, building up your house has been one of the more trivial ways I’ve passed the time. 
TT: Great swaths of the structure may be copied and pasted with little architectural consideration. 
TT: I’ve only bothered to do so while in contemplation. 
TT: It’s relaxing. 

I can imagine that doing such repetitive patterns of building would be relaxing like Rose says.

TT: We have a lot of grist. 
EB: how much? 
TT: I don’t recall any hard figures off hand. 
TT: Last I checked, more than a million units of several different types. 
TT: Torrented between the three of us. 
EB: torrented? 
TT: Shared, through an application. 
TT: I unlocked the disc from your registry, and deployed it. 
TT: I convinced your nanna to install it on your computer. 
TT: Before an imp threw it out the window, that is. 

Rose is here catching John up on the game. It’s like the stage of video games where you have millions of these currency units and stuff but aren’t anywhere near the final goal, if that makes sense. Also, how did Rose talk to Nannasprite? I think in Act 2 Rose has said stuff that indicates that she could somehow see John’s conversations with Nannasprite, so maybe it’s however she knows it? Did she read their lips as she watched their conversations or does the game let you listen to the sound of whatever you’re viewing or what? Does she alchemize paper notes for Nannasprite to read and deploy them from there? It’s probably not an important detail but I still can’t help but wonder.

EB: what’s up with the alchemiter? 
EB: it looks weird. 
TT: Upgrades. 
EB: did you get nanna to do that too? 
TT: No, your consorts were utilized for that. 
EB: the salamanders?? 
TT: Yes. They seem eager to receive simple instruction. 
TT: I’m guessing they find their way back to your house to allow the client player to remain productive while the server player is away. 

Again, how did she contact the salamanders? Was it the same way she talked to Nannasprite or something else? Does the game just have an interface that allows you to input thoughts into people’s heads like an exile?? I don’t even know.

EB: and then i cloned some slime babies in the veil. 
TT: Did you? 
EB: yes. um… 
EB: ok, long story short is, jade is my slime clone sister, and dave is your slime clone brother, and we were all born today! 
TT: Yes. 
EB: yes? 
TT: I figured that out. 

She must have somehow found it out in books she read in her planet or something. This conversation has really been giving me a vibe of Rose suddenly being omniscient or something.

EB: rose, i am fairly sure i saw your mom! 
TT: You did? 
TT: Are you sure it was her? 
EB: well, it was a nice and proper looking lady, with a pink scarf, so… 
EB: i dunno, who else would that be! 
TT: That was likely her. 
TT: How was she? 
EB: fine, i guess… 
EB: she was with my dad. 
TT: That’s interesting. 
EB: yeah! 
TT: Did she seem happy? 
EB: happy? 
EB: wow, i dunno. 
EB: i don’t really know her well enough to say, i guess? 
EB: plus, i was a little distracted. 
EB: maybe i will find out next time i go to sleep. 

Although Rose’s reaction to John seeing her mom is surprisingly deadpan, she does take a moment to ask if she “seemed happy”. This must mean that she’s concerned about her mother’s emotional state, which I think matches up with what she later says about her when she finds out her mom died.

EB: now stop being so spookily mysterious and tell me what you’ve been doing! 
TT: Investigating, mostly. 
EB: investigating what? 
TT: Everything there is to investigate. 
TT: Information hidden in the lore of our lands, concealed in ruins and riddles. 
TT: I’m looking for whatever there is to discover about the game, and more importantly, whatever exceeds its boundaries. 
TT: The cloaked traces of myth beyond its scope. 
EB: its scope? 
EB: oh, rose, did you know that we are supposed to be creating a universe with this game? 
TT: Yes. 
EB: i think that’s pretty neat! 
TT: It is, in principle. 
TT: But it won’t happen. 
EB: so you believe the trolls then? 
TT: It’s not a matter of believing them. 
TT: The writing is on the wall. Literally. 
EB: it is? 
TT: This session was never meant to bear fruit. 
TT: It’s barren, so to speak. 

This is definitely how Rose knows everything. It’s interesting that while we resume John and Jade’s arcs from right when we left off, we resume Rose’s arc at a point some time after what they were up to at the end of Act 4, and as we learn a little later the same goes for Dave. Rose in particular seems to have gathered a lot of information offscreen. Hussie once noted this disparity on his Formspring. I think this might tie in with Prospit/Derse duality, where Derse stuff is generally more mysterious than its Prospit counterpart. For example, the Derse trolls all get less screen time than the Prospit trolls, and far less is known about the Derse kids’ cross-scratch childhoods than those of the Prospit kids.

EB: that’s a bit of a bummer! 
EB: i am still skeptical about that, though. 
TT: That’s why you’re our leader, John. 
EB: huh? 
TT: Optimism through stalwart skepticism is a defect not everyone is lucky enough to be cursed with. 
EB: that’s stupid. 
EB: i’m not your leader, i am your FRIEND, there is a BIG difference! 
TT: Statements like that are also why you’re our leader. 
EB: pff.
EB: laaaaaaaame.

This memorable bit is reiterated a few times. It exemplifies a bit about John with how he refuses to believe all this fate stuff. Also, this is the first time John successfully does the Vriska thing. It’s interesting how it doesn’t take long at all for Vriska to rub off on him.

EB: so, if you’re sure that we are going to fail… 
EB: what is the point of everything we’re doing? 
TT: Simple. 
TT: The objective is no longer to win. 
EB: um… 
EB: i mean, what are we actually shooting for here? 
TT: To do as much damage to the game as possible. 
TT: To rip its stitches and pry answers from the seams. 
TT: We will snatch purpose from the jaws of futility. 
TT: Are you ready to wreak some havoc, John? 
EB: i suddenly don’t understand anything.

And here comes the start of Rose’s massive brazen mission to break the game, the start of what she spends almost this whole act doing. Her plan for success says a good deal about her character: she wants to go against the irritating forces of the game, which she perceives as outright malevolent.

This is a good stopping point because the next pages show us what Rose is up to, after a good stretch of pages focusing on John. It’s not quite in the neighborhood of 100 pages, but this post is getting pretty long with all this quoted stuff so I’ll stop here. Seriously, it’s pretty long to scroll through, despite only half the words or so being commentary rather than quoted stuff. I think this new posting style warrants fewer pages covered per post, so expect posts covering 50-80 pages or something like that.

See you next time as Rose does stuff. Next post will likely be three weeks to a month from now, because my school schedule next semester looks pretty complicated and it may be pretty hectic sorting things out, but once I’ve got everything I’ll definitely be able to do this blog again.

>> Part 29: Crazy Destruction and Laptop Reunions