Homestuck Mini-Post: A Revelation About Caliborn and Dirk Strider

Today I realized something about the best character in Homestuck that should have been obvious a long time ago.

Caliborn (the best character) always says that Dirk (also one of the best characters) is the only tolerable one of the alpha kids and his death doesn’t have to be as painful as the others. Until today, I took that literally, akin to Jack Noir’s relationship with his fellow Derse agents; that Caliborn despises Dirk, but less than the others. But now, it’s painfully obvious* that Caliborn is a major fan of Dirk and legitimately idolizes him. As much as Caliborn can’t stand the other three, he genuinely wants to be best friends with this guy.

* I keep using that phrase dammit

Caliborn was always a metaphor for people who read Homestuck and despise it, as was made clear in his debut. But deep down, Caliborn is also a metaphor for people who are fans in denial. He represents fans of something—not even necessarily Homestuck—who are embarrassed about it and very poorly hide it. Think of a guy that thinks he will be ostracized if he likes anime, and thus says that the one anime he really likes, maybe one many people consider to be trashy, “isn’t completely terrible”. That’s how Caliborn feels about Dirk.

EDIT (1/11/2019): I realized there’s something in the comic even more fitting to my analogy, especially the “trashy anime” part, than what I just mentioned. On this page, starting from Dirk’s line “Does your sister even know you’re into this sappy shipping stuff?”, Caliborn insists his interest is completely ironic; he could not more blatantly be a fan in denial.

A Homestuck fanfic that everyone should read

I’ve shilled Detective Pony and cool and new web comic, both ABSOLUTE MASTERWORKS, on this blog far too many times, but there’s a third Homestuck fanfiction that everyone who liked anything about the comic should read, that I never shilled on my blog until today. I hope it’s a suitable Christmas present for anyone following this blog.

Behold the glorious Roxy’s Threesome Addiction. As the title (and the content warning) suggests, the fanfic is not safe for work, but don’t let that scare you. I’m not normally into sexual fanfiction in the slightest, so that should indicate how good it is.

Roxy’s Threesome Addiction answers the question everyone (read: nobody) has been asking: what happens when stereotypical smut is written by someone that understands Homestuck character writing through and through? It’s absolutely hilarious, I can’t stress enough how much I love everything about. Every character’s personality (especially John and Dave, most prominently featured) is nailed perfectly; the only one that acts out of character is Roxy, which is excusable because as the title suggests, she has gotten into a crazy threesome addiction and the story revolves around this strange behavior.

The story starts with a level of adult content that is little more than people loosely discussing sex, but gradually becomes basically on the level of normal porn; if you read the story, it’s probably OK if you stop at whatever part makes you feel uncomfortable, like I did. But if you skip parts of it, there’s one part that you should read at all costs: the conversation at the start of Chapter 6 (aka Part 5). It’s too good. Really, I think you should man up and read the whole thing regardless, even if the sexual content is a bit much for one sitting. I can’t overstate how good it is.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Homestuck Mini-Post: About John Egbert and Shipping

NOTE: If you’re reading this, my Homestuck post series is back on hiatus until some time before 4/13/2019. Maybe you’re looking for post number 82, my latest post? More information on the pause can be found there.

I purposely scheduled this post a few days later than I actually wrote it, which was pretty much right after I released post 82.

Also I recently updated my post series’ introduction post again!


In the past few days, I’ve been rereading a lot of my old posts about Homestuck. One bad thing about the posts that really sticks out to me is my discussion of romantic relationships and foreshadowing thereof, which I kind of read through gritted teeth.

This is strongest when I reread my discussions of foreshadowing ships involving John Egbert, the comic’s protagonist. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wrote all of that; now, I can definitely say there is no conceivable way John had genuine feelings for Rose or Vriska, nor is it very likely Hussie thought super far in advance to set him up with Roxy*. While it is fun to point out early instances that can be seen as ships that you like, it was incredibly misinformed of me to think of these instances as anything other than John not knowing what he’s talking about, and I kind of hate how biased I was in that regard, while denying anything about some of the more controversial ships. It is painfully obvious he doesn’t understand how romance works until maybe some time before he meets Roxy, and that is only because the comic blatantly sets them up as a pairing.

* Probably a fair bit in advance actually. But definitely nowhere near before any conception of Roxy existed.

The main point is: I take back at least 90% of what I said about things being foreshadowing for ships. Also I fully admit to being guilty of double standards in those posts. Maybe when I make the abridged edition, or deluxe edition, or whatever I want to call it, of my blog posts, I’ll scrub them of this bias. I won’t change the original posts, but instead not have as much bias in the new posts (or webpage? this really hasn’t been thought out yet).

Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 82: Order and Chaos, Reprsented by Chess

Introduction

Part 81 | Part 82 | Part 83 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 8 of 10 finally I have an actual number oh my god (it might be 11)

Pages 5029-5084 (MSPA: 6929-6984) (partially not in order)

NOTE: This will probably be my last post for a while because I’m getting ready for vacation soon. It’s been a fun ride the past few days, even if parts of this post I feel are a bit weak.

The title represents an analogy I am proud of devising.

alternate post title: Harleyberts in Derserland

(OK this title sucks ass, I’m just including it because a few of my posts (123) had Alice in Wonderland themed titles and this part of the comic has a few references to Wonderland too…)

(oh whatever)

So many details of what the cherubs look like are omitted.

After the emotional montage of the bunny, we get to see Calliope and Caliborn playing a game of chess, seemingly over the past few days. Calliope checkmates her brother …

Still not sure what these prankster meters actually mean.
Though I know this isn’t the last time we’ll be seeing them…

… or rather, she would have if it weren’t for Caliborn’s shittiest twist yet.

Turns out Caliborn disguised the king as the queen, and vice versa. He explains the following:

uu: HEY! I DIDN’T BREAK ANY RuLES. 
uu: I MERELY ASKED IF YOu WOuLD AGREE. TO ME SWAPPING THE START POSITIONS OF THE KING AND QuEEN. 
uu: AND YOu DID AGREE. 
uu: BuT THEN I DIDN’T ACTuALLY DO IT. 
uu: WHEN DID I SAY I WOuLD? NEVER. 
uu: I WAS ONLY GAuGING YOuR WILLINGNESS TO MAKE THE EXCEPTION. 
uu: I THEN WENT ABOuT DECORATING MY KING AND QuEEN WITH NICE LITTLE HATS. 
uu: WHICH IS *ALSO* NOT AGAINST THE RuLES. 

Continue reading

Update on Post 82 + the rest of Act 6 Act 3

Post 82 is already done! It covers UU and uu’s chess game and the alpha kids’ subsequent character select screen. I’ll publish it tomorrow morning, as I look at it with fresh eyes, so get hyped.

While we’re at it, I have an actual plan for the next few Act 6 Act 3 posts! That plan is to divide Act 6 Act 3 into 11 (heh, 11/11/11) parts total, which means four left for the act; three before the special 4/13 post. There’s a chance I’ll change my mind and do 10 if one of the parts turns out not to have much material (maybe Calliope’s introduction pages), but my current setup is 11.

As I said on my Twitter, I’ll try to finish as much of A6A3 as I can before I go on vacation on the 19th, then if there’s anything left I’ll do the rest at whatever pace I feel like doing. Once I reach the second-last part of this act, I’ll go back on hiatus. I’m saving the post covering the final part of A6A3, which includes the Unite Synchronization flashes and [S] Caliborn: Enter, for 4/13, the tenth anniversary (holy shit) of Homestuck.

ENORMOUS EDIT: I look at my plan for A6A3 and was I drunk when I made it? Dividing Act 6 Act 3 into 11 posts makes no sense, 10 is so much better. Guess that all works in my favor, not that it matters much; either way, I’m easily on the right track for figuring things out. Who knows if I change my mind again later anyway? It could still be 11 parts.

Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 81: Oceanic Eyes and Bowmanian Montages

Introduction

Part 80 | Part 81 | Part 82 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 7 of possibly 10 (or 11)

Pages 4963-5028 (MSPA: 6863-6928)

12/16/2018: Next post is still in the works! Will probably post tomorrow morning, even if I somehow manage to finish tonight. I was a little busy today.

I love Caliborn.

I was originally going to make a long blog post to explain my sudden return to Homestuck posts, but I’ll keep things simple instead.

Long story short: the reason why I’m suddenly making Homestuck posts again is because since winter break started a few days ago, I’ve had a lot of downtime and still will for a few more days, so I seized the opportunity to spew out posts. After that, probably back to hiatus.

Jane’s conversation with Calliope ended with a wham line (“the true meaning of…” “beauty?” “horror.”), which is a perfect transition to the other cherub who is better and cooler in every way imaginable.

uu: HELLO DIRK. 
uu: GuESS WHAT I WANT TO PLAY. 
uu: THAT’S RIGHT. 
uu: A GAME. 
TT: Not now. 
uu: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. 
uu: DIRK. 
uu: HELLO DIRK. 
uu: LET’S PLAY A GAME. 
TT: I’m busy. 
uu: DIRK I DON’T THINK YOu uNDERSTAND. 
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A FuCKING GAME WITH YOu. 
uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. 
TT: Man, does it look like he can draw anything for you right now? 
uu: WHO CARES. 
uu: I AM NOT TALKING TO YOu. 

Caliborn tries to bug Dirk to play a game of drawing hot spicy porn, but the responder tells him he’s busy fighting drones. It’s not too surprising that Caliborn immediately waves off Dirk’s responder as an artificial robot. And says something about red herrings? I almost want to say the cherubs’ interactions with the responder are a bit of unexplored territory, but maybe it doesn’t need to be elaborated on much; the auto-responder only decided he was his own separate being the day the events of Act 6 began.

Going on, the responder remembers what happened a year prior, and then suggests that Caliborn contact Dirk in the past, which he does.

Continue reading

Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 80: Two Refreshing Changes of Pace

Introduction

Part 79 | Part 80 | Part 81 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 6

Pages 4932-4962 (MSPA: 6832-6862)

I’m back.

Bet you didn’t expect a new Homestuck blog post to come now, did you? I wrote this post on a whim in a few hours; explanation coming shortly.

10/8/2019: From here on out, the posts are recent enough not to need many 2019 edits.

In the no-nonsense spirit of the Draconian Dignitary, the character we’re currently following, I’m just going to comment on interesting things that happen in the comic and act like nothing ever happened. Weird how that was kind of a perfect place to put the post series on hiatus for almost two years.

I don’t know if I’ve said it on this blog before, but I’ve always felt that the Derse agents are an underrated part of the comic. If the trolls didn’t exist, maybe the agents could have gotten more attention; they’re just a fun quartet of four personalities. Though I guess the intermission did serve as a way to characterize those four in a completely alien setting. A bit of a shame they didn’t get much closure in the end, besides the BULLSHIT that the beta kids’ Jack was spared in the end and not the others.

Instead of painstakingly trying to comment on everything, here’s the first thing from this arc focusing on DD that I find interesting:

By now the [prince] is up to his goddamn neck in convoluted gothic architecture. He’s burrowed fuck deep in flying buttresses and purple pointy things. He even stopped by the boss’s CUBICLE OF VIGILANCE and sliced up his FENESTRATED WALLS to make searching for him harder. Cunning bastard. 

Continue reading

Another update not really update about my Homestuck blog posts (more about my relationship with the comic)

Just a reminder that I still absolutely want to finish these posts someday! I think it would be a lot of fun to restart on the comic’s 10th anniversary (4/13/2019), but right now I have other random projects I’m getting carried away with.

Part of why I’m making this post is that going by my Twitter lately, it may seem like I have a “tsundere” relationship with Homestuck, where I hate on it but secretly still care about it a lot. And that’s partially true, but the “hate” part is really my grievances/annoyances with that weird Twitter community trending lately where everyone obsesses over nothing but fantrolls and the other absurdly mechanical stuff and just thinks they have the right to name themselves after a work of media which is, let’s say, special to me. I guess it doesn’t help that the author’s presence can be best described as follows: those who liked the actual comic written by a man with a stellar sense of humor are Jake English, Hussie is Dirk Strider, and Hussie’s cronies are Dirk’s splinters and alternate selves. I’ve had this analogy in my mind for a while but I’ve never been sure how to say it without sounding like a dork. I probably sound like even more of a dork here but at least my Blogger is a good place to vent things out.

I can’t stress enough that I think all the fantroll stuff should be given the name “Hiveswap” instead. Isn’t that what the friendsims call themselves? “Hiveswap Friendsim Vol. [x]”? But I guess those people aren’t the kind to care.

OK, what the hell am I saying, I absolutely have a love-hate relationship with Homestuck right now, I got to suck it up already. And I have a love-hate relationship with these blog posts too.

(I have a love-love relationship with the comic’s music though. Shame that online community only seems to care about those shitty song parodies.)

(Come back Hussie)

(Please)

Little did I know that I would finally resurrect my Homestuck post series the very next day