Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 81: Oceanic Eyes and Bowmanian Montages

Introduction

Part 80 | Part 81 | Part 82 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 7 of possibly 10 (or 11)

Pages 4963-5028 (MSPA: 6863-6928)

12/16/2018: Next post is still in the works! Will probably post tomorrow morning, even if I somehow manage to finish tonight. I was a little busy today.

I love Caliborn.

I was originally going to make a long blog post to explain my sudden return to Homestuck posts, but I’ll keep things simple instead.

Long story short: the reason why I’m suddenly making Homestuck posts again is because since winter break started a few days ago, I’ve had a lot of downtime and still will for a few more days, so I seized the opportunity to spew out posts. After that, probably back to hiatus.

Jane’s conversation with Calliope ended with a wham line (“the true meaning of…” “beauty?” “horror.”), which is a perfect transition to the other cherub who is better and cooler in every way imaginable.

uu: HELLO DIRK. 
uu: GuESS WHAT I WANT TO PLAY. 
uu: THAT’S RIGHT. 
uu: A GAME. 
TT: Not now. 
uu: DIRK I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. 
uu: DIRK. 
uu: HELLO DIRK. 
uu: LET’S PLAY A GAME. 
TT: I’m busy. 
uu: DIRK I DON’T THINK YOu uNDERSTAND. 
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A FuCKING GAME WITH YOu. 
uu: I WOuLD LIKE YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. 
TT: Man, does it look like he can draw anything for you right now? 
uu: WHO CARES. 
uu: I AM NOT TALKING TO YOu. 

Caliborn tries to bug Dirk to play a game of drawing hot spicy porn, but the responder tells him he’s busy fighting drones. It’s not too surprising that Caliborn immediately waves off Dirk’s responder as an artificial robot. And says something about red herrings? I almost want to say the cherubs’ interactions with the responder are a bit of unexplored territory, but maybe it doesn’t need to be elaborated on much; the auto-responder only decided he was his own separate being the day the events of Act 6 began.

Going on, the responder remembers what happened a year prior, and then suggests that Caliborn contact Dirk in the past, which he does.

Nice contrast between panels.

uu: HELLO DIRK IN THE PAST. 
uu: LET’S PLAY A GAME. 
TT: Alright. 
uu: DO NOT EVEN FuCK WITH ME. 
uu: I WANT TO PLAY A GAME WITH YOu. AND A GAME IS EXACTLY THAT WHICH WILL BE PLAYED BETWEEN uS. 
TT: I said I’d play. 
uu: DIRK. I WANT YOu TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. 
TT: You got it. 
uu: IF YOu FAIL TO DRAW ME SOME PORNOGRAPHY. 
uu: THERE WILL BE CONSEQuENCES. 
uu: AND WHEN CONSEQuENCES HAPPEN. THAT IS WHEN BLOOD BEGINS TO FLOW. 
uu: YOuR FuTuRE SELF SPENDS ALL HIS TIME BEING IN THE FuTuRE. HE PRIORITIZES BEING IN THE FuTuRE AND FIGHTING DRONES OVER PLAYING MY GAMES. 
uu: YOuR PAST SELF SHOuLD CONSIDER THE COSTLY INDISCRETION OF YOuR FuTuRE SELF’S BEHAVIOR. BEHAVIOR WHICH ENTAILS BEING IN THE FuTuRE ALMOST AS MuCH AS NOT DOING WHATEVER I FuCKING TELL HIM TO. 
TT: Dude, I’m sitting here with my stylus ready to go. Do you want me to draw you some porn or not. 

Dirk is so chill about drawing porn for Caliborn and I love it. Any of the other three kids would’ve been like, “go away you asshole, I’m not drawing porn!” But Dirk just seems to know Caliborn too well. He knows in advance that all this is a load of nonsense so he just decides to have fun with it. What follows is a dump of hilarity that needs no explanation.

Mmm hot tits.

Wait never mind, tits are gross.
… Dirk doesn’t really know how liking women works.

Minihoof is another thing that needs no explanation.

The visuals, however, have quite a bit going on there. Present Dirk struggles against the robots, while past Dirk is seemingly in the process of building Sawtooth. It may be easy to forget that these robots exist, so this reminder comes in handy quite soon.

Holy shit.

And that serves as a perfect transition to us seeing Sawtooth in full for the first time (again, I hope that’s true). We’re in for quite a wild ride, with this guy around.

uu: THERE WILL BE NEW ACTORS IN THIS VuLGAR EXHIBITION. 
uu: YOu WILL INCLuDE THE JAKE AND ROXY HuMANS NOW. AND IT WILL BE SIMILARLY DISGuSTING. 
TT: You got it. 
TT: Which steamy adult activities would you like me to convey this time? 
uu: MAKE THE ROXY HuMAN STROKE HIS HAIR. 
uu: SHE NEEDS HIM. AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER. EMOTIONALLY. 
TT: You have a filthy mind, but ok. 

Caliborn’s “gross” “fetishes” could not be more played for laughs. You’d think he would get off on snake cocks or something, but I’m so glad that him being messed up in the head is conveyed in a comedic way, as is the spirit of Homestuck. Dirk’s sarcastic responses to Caliborn’s demands are too good.

I have no words.

Boy am I glad I forgot about this one, it’s too good.

TT: “No, no, please. Don’t make me draw any more pics of my friends snuggling and stuff.” 
TT: Strider said, having spent the better part of the night gnawing through his duct tape gag. 
uu: LOOK AT THESE PATHETIC STALLING TACTICS. AS IF I DON’T KNOW AN ATTEMPT TO DERAIL ONE OF MY DIABOLICAL GAMES. 
uu: WHEN I SEE ONE. 
TT: That’s good. Keep saying things like that. 
TT: I’ll keep doing my part. 
TT: “Somebody save me from this LIVING NIGHTMARE. The things he has made me DO.” 
uu: MAYBE YOuR IRREVERENCE FOR MY GAME. STEMS FROM THE FACT THAT YOu DON’T GIVE A FLYING FuCK ABOuT MY IDIOT SISTER? 
uu: HA. LIKE I COuLD EVEN BLAME YOu. WHAT A CLOYING WINDBAG SHREW. SHE IS WORTHLESS TO EVERYBODY. I THINK YOu THINK SO TOO.

Caliborn is a little surprised that Dirk isn’t taking him seriously, and assumes he doesn’t care about Calliope’s life. Dirk is definitely right not to take him seriously, because as I said before he pretty clearly knows this guy’s actual motives better than anyone else does. He probably already knows what the “shitty twist” is, which I suppose doesn’t matter either way because he can’t stop it. So instead he just decides to have fun with making this bizarre “porn”.

Here’s where Dirk actually starts to get bored.

After reminding us that his game has a shitty twist, Caliborn starts fantasizing about Jane and Roxy together, canonizing the “Cotton Candy” ship name. I can’t blame fans for thinking it’s hot for two girls to make out, but through Caliborn imagining them, the only pair of alpha kids that hasn’t had some feelings for each other*, Hussie does a good job making fans feel bad for shipping Jane and Roxy. Not to mention that Dirk isn’t able to get aroused by two girls kissing either.

* The snaps don’t count. Who cares about the snaps.

OK what am I talking about, this next batch of porn is just as hilarious as the last.

Man, these bitches were just made for each other.

Knowing what happens in A6A6I5 (aka BULLSHIT: the act), this is probably one of the last things you’d expect to actually mean something later in the comic.

There being two of Rose, that is. Not Jane and Roxy giving each other roses, sadly.

How low are Caliborn’s standards?

TT: Does your sister even know you’re into this sappy shipping stuff? 
TT: You berate her constantly for everything, and I know she likes to write and illustrate romfics and the like. 
uu: NO. SHE ENJOYS IT FOR WRONG AND DISGuSTING REASONS. 
uu: HER FASCINATION WITH THE RED STIRRINGS OF INFERIOR RACES. IT STRIKES ME AS TOO SINCERE AND THEREFORE REPELLENT. 
uu: MY ENJOYMENT IS. IRONIC. 
TT: Again, you just don’t seem to know what ironic means. 
TT: Your enjoyment of this content is clearly sincere. You are just fetishizing your “disgust” for it, is all. 
uu: FuCK YOu WITH THAT ASSESSMENT. 
uu: YOu DON’T TELL ME. OF WHAT VALuE THE PORNOGRAPHY HAS TO ME. IN MY OWN GAME. 
uu: YOu JuST FuCKING DRAW. AND DON’T TALK. 
TT: I’m just saying, it’s an interest you have in common. If you told her you liked her romantic artwork, maybe you could bond over that? 
uu: BONDING. 
uu: IS THE LAST FuCKING THING WE NEED TO DO. 
uu: I HAVE NOT TOLD HER OF MY IRONIC FASCINATIONS. AND YOu WILL NOT EITHER. 
uu: I WILL NOT TELL HER. THAT I SECRETLY PERuSE HER WORK IN A STATE OF PETRIFIED MORTIFICATION FOR HOuRS. AND NEITHER WILL YOu. 

Dirk’s psychoanalysis of Caliborn is goddamn gold. It’s funny to imagine that Caliborn likes shipping characters just as Calliope does, and hilarious to consider that the two are not so different in that regard. Calliope probably likes imagining characters kissing and holding hands the same way Caliborn does, considering that she’s a fandom parody character.

I continue to be left speechless.

I hope whoever runs Blogger doesn’t mark this post as NSFW.

(I’m leaving this joke as is, I think it’s funnier that way)

boner

TT: Aw, that’s it? 
TT: I thought we were getting into a good rhythm there. 
TT: Anyway, you missed out on like half the pairings. 
uu: WHAT. HALF. NO WE DID MOST OF THEM DIDN’T WE. 
TT: No, we did three, and there are three possible matchups left. 
TT: Don’t you know anything about shipping science? 


😦

Poor Dirk, clearly not immune to teen hormones. Well I mean, why else would everyone be attracted to Jake.

Caliborn probably represents the minds of a lot of Homestuck shippers: the “hot lesbians” ship and two oddball ships are probably “yeah we did most of them” in his mind. I’m honestly glad that starting from John’s “romance is boring” spiel, the comic started taking a step back from focusing on character relationships, and even satirizing a bit.

uu: THAT’S A THING? 
uu: HOW THE FuCK COuLD THAT BE A THING. 
TT: Believe me. 
TT: It’s a thing. 
TT: Total number of pairings for a group of n people is (n^2 – n) / 2. 
TT: You divide by 2 to cut the grid in half, eliminate duplicate pairs. 
TT: Minus n is so you don’t pair people up with themselves. That wouldn’t make sense. 
uu: AND WHY THE FuCK NOT?? 
TT: Well, because… 
TT: I don’t know. 
TT: Maybe you’re right. Maybe I was being close-minded about self-pairing. What do I know? 
uu: JACK SHIT OBVIOuSLY. 
uu: ANYWAY. FuCK ALL THAT. YOu DON’T SPOIL GOOD DEBAuCHERY. WITH A LOT OF STuPID MATH. 
uu: YOu MAY THINK YOu’RE SMART. BuT EXCESSIVE SMARTNESS CAN MAKE YOu BE MORE OF AN IDIOT. 
uu: INTELLIGENT IDIOCY CAN BE EASILY EXPLOITED BY THE CuNNING AND RuTHLESS. JuST A TIP FOR YOu. BRO. 

Exploiting people who think they’re smart… I think I know exactly what Caliborn’s talking about. That sounds like foreshadowing of him cheating and using unconventional tactics to defeat Calliope.

TT: You used Jane and Roxy in two pairings. But me and Jake only got one. 
TT: How is that fair? 
uu: I DECIDE WHAT IS FAIR IN MY GAMES. 
uu: IF YOu ARE PROPOSING TO ILLuSTRATE THE JAKE HuMAN BEHAVING AMOROuSLY WITH THE DIRK HuMAN. THE ANSWER IS NO. 
TT: Why not? 
uu: THAT ENCOuNTER DOES NOT SEEM AS REPREHENSIBLY SCANDALOuS. 
uu: FIRST OF ALL. I ASK OF YOu. WHERE ARE THE BITCHES AT? 
uu: I REST MY CASE. 
TT: Lame. 

More shipping satire. Caliborn is such a funny parody of fans that “ship” characters only to fantasize about hot girls.

Caliborn reveals the “twist to the twist”: that he won’t tell Dirk the twist until a year later.

And the twist is that he already killed Calliope…

Hi again, old friend.

… with the help of none other than Jack Noir. Even in the cherubs’ desolate session, Jack reprises his role as a “wildcard” character. Supposedly Caliborn paid him to do it, with candy. What I take from this is, was paying Jack with candy all it took for him to break free from the “rules”? Jack’s role as a wildcard character in all sessions is right in front of your face, but only if you compare all iterations of him together.

Haunting image.

And it turns out Caliborn’s predomination is why the cherubs’ Skaia is getting dark. That answers that.

First time seeing kids and trolls from both sides of the scratch!

And then suddenly we get a massive mood whiplash used as a transition device. I’ve decided that most silly stuff doesn’t need explanation.

After some incredibly silly arguments and trolls fighting each other for no reason, Karkat rants about how stupid this all is and that “ancestors” aren’t real, which is probably something I already discussed in a prior post.

Might as well continue to avoid discussing the retcon.

MEENAH: that guy! 
MEENAH: nubbyshouts 
MEENAH: that guy is cool!! 
KARKAT: THANKS, WHOEVER THE FUCK!!! 
KARKAT: BYE. 
MEENAH: aw man 
MEENAH: hes so much cooler than whats his shit 
MEENAH: why couldnt whats his shit be more like nubs mcshouty 
MEENAH: our team had no cool buoys at all 
ROXY: le zzz 
MEENAH: sleepy fishbait is right 
MEENAH: this is a fuckin drag 
MEENAH: can i go hang out with shouty instead 
ARANEA: No. 
KARKAT: NO. 
MEENAH: 38C 

Here’s the start of a new, perhaps unexpected dynamic between characters. Meenah and Karkat’s relationship is pretty fascinating and I’ll definitely discuss it more when I go through Openbound (which is not called Meenahquest or Meenahbound you morons). The Openbound trilogy is one of the most controversial parts of the comic, but I think this short interaction between Meenah and Karkat sets up quite a bit in preparation for Karkat’s reaction to seeing this horrifying batch of joke characters.

After this, we get a golden Dave/Rose conversation about their hot teen mom.

DAVE: (hey rose) 
DAVE: (i dunno if this is a weird question) 
DAVE: (but like) 
DAVE: (do you think we should try and wake up our teen mom) 
DAVE: (or what) 
ROSE: (I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.) 
ROXY: zzzzees 😉 
DAVE: (why) 
DAVE: (sounds good to me) 
DAVE: (mayor what do you think) 
DAVE: (you hear that rose) 
DAVE: (the mayor thinks its an awesome idea) 
DAVE: (me too buddy me too) 
ROSE: (Ok, since I’ve clearly been outvoted on the matter, and democracy has spoken, I guess I should clarify.) 
ROSE: (I’m not sure if it’s actually possible.) 
DAVE: (why) 
ROSE: (I don’t think she’s ever woken up before.) 
DAVE: (oh) 
DAVE: (cant you throw some yarn at her) 
DAVE: (that worked on me didnt it) 
ROSE: (You were technically already awake.) 

This is one of the weirdest meta conversations yet. I don’t remember jack shit about how waking up dream selves works, so I’d have to stand by Dave here. Maybe this conversation is one that reads really well to those that weren’t paying the closest attention to the comic; Dave represents such readers, while Rose represents those that know every detail of everything about the comic.

DAVE: (arent you magic or something) 
DAVE: (are you still magic or is your superpower now just talking a lot and wearing orange) 
DAVE: (why dont you use your magics to wake her up) 
DAVE: (arent you kinda curious to talk to her) 
DAVE: (like find out what her deal is) 
ROSE: (Yes.) 
ROSE: (But I don’t think I know that spell.) 
DAVE: (hey what even is magic anyway) 
DAVE: (like are spells real like when you do magic are you actualy doing legit spells like the dipshits in harry potter) 
DAVE: (babbling up some false baloney ass latin) 
ROSE: (Not really?) 
DAVE: (i knew it what a load of shit that all is) 
ROSE: (What?) 
DAVE: (spells and shit) 

Dave represents me again. If I recall, Rose’s powers in Acts 4-5 were focused around the Horrorterrors and dark magic, and then her god tier abilities aren’t given as much focus or elaborated as much, other than some kind of vision of the future. It’s fair for Dave to assume that Rose probably still does have magic powers.

DAVE: (hey rose) 
ROSE: (Yeah?) 
DAVE: (does mom seem to kinda be) 
DAVE: (like uh) 
ROSE: (What?) 
DAVE: (i dont know) 
DAVE: (a sloppy sleeper) 
ROXY: zzzzzznort,,.. 
ROSE: (That’s pretty much how she always slept.) 
ROSE: (This includes discovering her sleeping in unusual places.) 

It’s been too long since the kids’ guardians had their ways discussed comedically. Or has it? Either way, it really feels like a blast from the past for Rose to reflect on her drunkard mom again.

DAVE: (is she drunk or something) 
DAVE: (can a dream self be drunk) 
ROSE: (Yes.) 
DAVE: (what really) 
DAVE: (just like that thats the answer) 
DAVE: (like thats something you actually know for sure) 
ROSE: (Yes.) 

[…]

ROSE: (Do you remember the timeline Davesprite was from?) 
DAVE: (oh) 
DAVE: (right) 
ROSE: (I still remember some things.) 
ROSE: (It was actually pretty similar to the way things have been for the last year on this meteor.) 
ROSE: (There wasn’t very much to do.) 
ROSE: (But there was a house full of liquor.) 

From the absurd context of discussing drunk dream selves, Rose somehow manages to touch upon something a little depressing. Getting drunk after getting bored or depressed for long periods of time seems to be something of a curse among Lalondes, which is hammered into the ground here; this also serves to foreshadow something even worse.

Kanaya chimes in just as confused, and conversation falls apart; turns out that only Terezi is paying attention, and has been learning fascinating stories about the pre-scratch trolls. Apparently Aranea was in the middle of explaining how her group of trolls scratched their session. So she continues explaining …

TEREZI: W3LL 
TEREZI: W3 COULD JUST NOT WORRY 4BOUT 1T 4ND K33P T4LK1NG L1K3 W3 W3R3 
TEREZI: 1 W4S CUR1OUS TO H34R TH3 4NSW3R TO MY L4ST QU3ST1ON 
ARANEA: Oh, sure! 
ARANEA: You wanted to know how we all died. 
ARANEA: That’s a pretty interesting story, don’t you think, Meenah? :::;) 
MEENAH: whatebber 
ARANEA: However, I don’t think much of it will make sense without some major contextualization. 
ARANEA: There’s really quite an amazing amount of nuance to the full sequence of events. Many different players, personalities, conflicting agendas, all interwoven together. 
ARANEA: I’ll need a little time to set the stage for everything to 8e comprehensi8le, if you all don’t mind indulging me for a while. 
ARANEA: You could say it all started during our darkest hour, when it 8ecame clear our failure was inevita8le. I took it upon myself to venture into the palace of my denizUMPH. 

ARANEA: MMMMMMMMPH!!!!!!!! 
MEENAH: yo listen up 
MEENAH: ill make this reel quick 

… until Meenah steals the show and gives a brief rundown, in probably one of my favorite exposition sequences yet for how it breaks the usual pattern.

WAIT GOD DAMMIT now I have to analyze this teaser of the other ten pre-scratch trolls.

The ones that stick out here are Meulin, who looks like a cat cosplayer; a silhouette of the young Handmaid, not surprising; someone with crazy hair that puts Gamzee to shame; someone with Equius’s horns and a horse ponytail; someone with Eridan’s horns and a greasy looking haircut; and OH MY GOD RUFIO IS FINALLY REAL. I think the cat cosplayer easily sticks out the most as the one that foreshadows that we’re going to encounter blatant satires of the existing trolls.

MEENAH: ok so we all lost cause everybody sucked but me 

Blunt and self-absorbed, but hauntingly true. Down to her simple “black background with troll symbol” shirt, Meenah really was born on the wrong side of the scratch. She was deliberately made as a replacement for Feferi, so I suppose Hussie compensated by basing Beforan society loosely around Feferi’s character.

Small hint at what Damara’s planet looked like.
Were all the pre-scratch trolls’ planets just mirrors of the other twelve?

MEENAH: so serket here wanted to do the scratch thing that would make us all not exist 
MEENAH: but i found out from monsters we could keep existin if we was a bunch of ghosts 

“monsters” has to be the Horrorterrors; what else would it be? Makes sense considering the Pisces trolls’ connections with those monsters. I’m going to assume they just told Meenah that, because she was destined to accomplish further things after becoming a ghost.

Just look at that smile. Ready to keep existing.

This new version of the Tumor isn’t really explained. Maybe it doesn’t need to be.

MEENAH: thing is nobody ever has the guts to off anybody 
MEENAH: let alone themshellves 

Let us pay respects to Murderstuck: The Prequel, which it makes sense couldn’t have happened with this crew of losers (well, eleven losers and Meenah).

“BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME”
How cheeky of you.

MEENAH: so i blew us all the fuck up 
MEENAH: and thats glubbin that 
MEENAH: now were ghosts the end 

That was a hell of a story. It was conveyed perfectly to readers, and might even be especially emphasized because it is told through more pictures than words.

Jake’s face… whatever could it mean?
He’s probably distracted by how hot the spider troll is.

But Aranea absolutely HATES that story.

ARANEA: You left out so much! All the intrigue, the complicated interpersonal relationships, the 8ackstory, the responsi8le pacing. 
ARANEA: Where was the WORLD 8UILDING, Meenah? 
MEENAH: who gives a dolphin flip through a big ring of shit 

Meenah, of course, doesn’t care either way; all the important stuff is in her mind (shown through visuals) and was briefly described by her. Aranea responds by giving a similar story describing the trolls’ ancestors (her and her friends after the scratch), but without helpful visuals. The result is a bunch of randomly selected details told in an order that makes as little sense as possible.

ARANEA: Why, Meenah. Could it 8e that you would like to hear more? 
ARANEA: I must 8e imagining things, 8ecause you are on record as finding my stories 8oring. 
MEENAH: no these stories are more interesting than your usual ones 
MEENAH: i can tell because im actually still a wake 

It may seem weird that Meenah actually likes these stories, but I think the real reason she does is because this small glimpse of her world is enough to entice her and get her riled up for more.

Upon request, Aranea tells Meenah the story of the Condesce, in a way that isn’t too short or too long.

Been a while since we last saw this stock reaction.

ARANEA: Instead of storming off to the moon in a huff, Peixes em8raced her role as an heiress. 
ARANEA: Once she reached the age to challenge the empress, she killed her predecessor easily. 
ARANEA: She did more to sink our race into perpetual darkness and violence than any empress before her, and her rule lasted the longest 8y far. 
ARANEA: She conquered thousands of planets and star systems, many of them personally. She was responsi8le for the death of trillions. 

I don’t think we knew this much prior about the extent of the Condesce’s reign! She really was a tough girl, and it’s no wonder Meenah swoons over how awesome her post-scratch self is. This is easily the strongest reaction anyone has to learning about themselves on the other side of the scratch, aside from Dave whose mind is blown in a somewhat different way.*

* A bit off-topic, but I just remembered Jade is the only human that didn’t learn anything about their adult life. Poor Jade; usually Jane has it this bad.

ARANEA: That’s the first half of her story. 
ARANEA: In the second half, she escaped to a fresh universe to wreak more havoc. 
ARANEA: She infiltrated a planet called Earth, which is home to a race called humans. These guys here. 
ARANEA: On the post-scratch version of Earth (long story), she gained a8solute power, flooded the planet, and completely wiped out the human population, while expanding her a8ilities even further. 
ARANEA: She then somehow entered the humans’ game session, and took control there as well. 
ARANEA: She did all this at the 8ehest of her employer, and has shown no signs of slowing her rampage, or ever dying, for that matter. 
ARANEA: So, Meenah. How was that story? Are you 8ored yet? 
MEENAH: 38o 
JAKE: (Dirk…) 
DIRK: What? 
JAKE: (I think…) 
JAKE: (I think thats the batterwitch!) 
DIRK: Uh, yeah. 
DIRK: You’re just getting that now? 

Oh yeah, Jake is still here. I’m getting a little sick of saying “what follows is hilarity that needs no explanation”.

JAKE: (I have to stop her! Thats why im here i just figured it out. I have to do it bro!) 
DIRK: No you don’t. Come on, don’t be an idiot. 
JAKE: (Yes i do thats what you do when you go back in time and find hitler.) 
JAKE: (Thats like one of the rules of adventure if you have the chance to kill hitler and stop his crimes from happening then you do it!) 

With a story as complicated as Homestuck, it almost seems obligatory that there’s a point where they do the classic trope when they find Hitler (or equivalent) in the past and kill him. The way this comic does it, naturally enough, subverts everything about it that makes it seem cool and instead makes Jake look like an idiot.

JAKE: YOU KILLED DIRK AND ROXYS BRO AND MOM RESPECTIVELY! 
JAKE: OR YOU WILL LATER I THINK AND I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN! 
ARANEA: No, no, Jake, that was in another universe! Or, I mean…….. 
JAKE: I WONT LET YOU TURN MY PLANET INTO WATERWORLD! 
JAKE: THAT MOVIE WAS GREAT! BUT NOT *THAT* GREAT! 
ARANEA: She isn’t the same person though! I mean, she is, 8ut…….. 
JAKE: I CANT LET YOU EXPLOIT YOUR BAKED GOODS EMPIRE TO MASSACRE THE HUMAN RACE! 
ARANEA: She won’t grow up to do any of that! She’s the pre-scratch version who……. 
ARANEA: You see, the 8atterwitch you’re talking a8out was a totally different, uh…….. 
JAKE: OVER MY DEAD BODY AM I GONNA LET YOU STICK A PAIR OF STINKIN JUGGALOS IN THE WHITEHOUSE! 
ARANEA: Augh, why does this all have to 8e so complicated to explain!!!!!!!! 
JAKE: KARATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *CHOP!* 
MEENAH: oof 
DAVE: what 
DAVE: juggalos 
DAVE: rose is he drunk too 
DAVE: what is going on 

I’m speechless, again. Too bad Aranea left out the detail that the Condesce hired Guy Fieri and the ICP to rule over America; or from her perspective, someone with a name similar to Meenah’s ancestor and a duo that reminded her of the subjugglators. Out of all the weird elements of pop culture worked into Homestuck’s plot, juggalos are the one that never fails to make me laugh.

Apparently Terezi can see Brain Ghost Dirk. Another random bit with some untapped potential. Or maybe just serves to remind us that she has mind powers, which comes in handy later on.

Ruining the fun.

SOOOOOOOOOOO
COOOOOOOOOOOL

Meenah’s reaction to her post-scratch life is full on played for laughs. Does she go through some more serious thoughts regarding her vs. her alternate villainous self like Dirk does? I don’t remember but she probably internally did at some point.

And Brain Ghost Dirk apparently still exists. Whatever this means, I don’t think it’s revisited until he reappears in the Game Over timeline (god I hate that I have to call it that now).

Jake wakes up to a message from Calliope. She tells him that she’s worried because her dream self is dead, and nudges him in the right direction to finish the bunny mission, wrapping that arc out of the way.

For old time’s sake (or from his perspective, first-and-only time’s sake), he experiments with the bunny’s functionality. This brings back memories of the much more sunny and whimsical home Jade lived in, compared to Jake’s bleak, more realistic hideout. Those fruits just sort of exist, nobody knows why.

Next, Jake grabs the globe that used to top his house out of his inventory and shrinks it down. I completely forgot what the ultimate point of that globe was, if anything, other than a keepsake.

The armaments bloom out of the time capsule, then something else will bloom in about an hour. Jake uses the bunny to shrink the weapons to bunny size. I’ve accepted at this point that we know the general origin of all four weapons and can infer they all got together somewhere, though it still would’ve been better if Hussie spent just a bit of the late comic actually doing that.

At least John and Jake meeting in person actually did happen.

You finish off your note with a few more friendly words, and something vague about who you really are. You are just following your alien friend’s advice on maintaining a bit of secrecy so as not to cause timeline problems, but boy is it hard keeping secrets. You can’t help yourself, and slip in a subtle clue that your grandmother is actually his pal Jade. Tee hee. You figure if John is even half as sharp as you, he will pick up on that right away. 

And pick up on that right away he does. That helps quite a bit and is in fact completely harmless to everything.

And so ends one of the early Act 6 subplots.

What follows is an incredibly silly but oddly emotional flash narrating the chronicles of the bunny from here on out. All those pages really do feel like a nostalgia blast, especially since I put this post series on hiatus for so long. Like the Con Air parody flash fake-out ending of Act 4, it is all set to a cover by Michael Guy Bowman of a song from one of John’s favorite movies, but this time in the giant montage section the song is sped up like Jaspers’ “fast forward” flash.

Near the end of the flash, Terry Kiser and Liv Tyler’s faces (the actors) flash as the Green Sun is created, which is both silly and emotional—two movie-loving Harleybert dorks, both reflected in that climactic moment.

And that was how that stuff happened. 

The bunny didn’t make it.

That’s damn sad. The bunny lived a long happy life, set to that weird flash.

See you next time as Caliborn continues to prove he is the best character.

>> Part 82: Order and Chaos, Represented by Chess

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