Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 111: Extremist Blueblood Relevance Delusions

Introduction

< Part 110 | Part 111 | Part 112 >

Pages 6531-6605

Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 2, Part 1 of 4

I’m so close to the Gigapause now, I can almost smell it!

Sorry it took so long for this post to come out! I started it shortly after the last one, but I’ve been busy with finishing my classes the past few weeks. I now have one final exam and one project left for the semester, so I finished this post after doing one of my exams.

Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 2 of Homestuck opens with Crockertier Jane revealing herself to be the one who’s been building the alpha kids’ houses. This is a pretty cool usage of Act 6 Act 6’s motif of having our heroes hack their way through the final necessities of creating the new universe. It’s an odd choice for this intermission’s first scene given the nonstop action scenes that follow, but it makes sense to get this information out of the way before we dive into the meat (or at least, an extremely foolish attempt at generating meat).

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 87: The Mental Breakdown to End All Mental Breakdowns

Introduction

Part 86 | Part 87 | Part 88 >


Act 6 Intermission 3, Part 2 of 6

Pages 5264-5307 (MSPA: 7164-7207)

Alternate post title: Con Air – It’s No Masterpiece
Alternate post title 2: John Egbert Dissects Con Air
Alternate post title 3: Ghost Butt Speculation Station



Five years and one day ago, I started reading Homestuck for the first time. I can’t believe I’m still obsessed with it after all this time. Enjoy this post as a five-year celebration of sorts! I wrote the whole thing on vacation, then made a few revisions at home.

September 18 will be the fourth anniversary of my Homestuck blog post series. I think it would be fun to get to the end of Homestuck’s fourth year on that day, but that’s 900 pages away so it probably won’t be possible unless I REALLY pick up the pace.



You pause your adventure through the afterlife because you’ve been at it for way too long already. You’ll get back to this in a little while. You just know more of your dead loser friends are lurking in this area. You can feel their lameness emanating from beyond the grave. You can also feel it emanating from within the grave, which is good, because that’s where you are. The grave. 

The page that immediately follows Openbound Part 1 tells readers that we’ll be getting back to meeting the Beforan trolls in not too long. Another bit that was most useful for serial readers at the time.

What we REALLY need to do is see what John’s been up to. It almost feels like it’s been a year since we saw him. Hell, it’s probably his birthday again. When is it ever NOT John’s birthday???

Um, I’m pretty sure November 2016 was way more than just a year ago.

Jokes aside, “when is it ever not John’s birthday” is a damn good question. It’s incredibly disorienting whenever a part of Homestuck doesn’t take place on his birthday. I like to assume Harry Anderson Egbert was also born April 13, because of how much of the Candy Epilogue takes place on his birthday.


It is indeed John’s birthday; his fifteenth, in fact. To celebrate, we’re treated to an enormous zoom-in to the Prospitian battleship he and Jade have been living in. Act 6 Intermission 3 has quite a few lengthy art sequences, only befitting of an act that experiments HARD with storytelling style.

Casey/VBVS is extremely precious and pure.


This image is quite the nostalgia mine. John and Jade’s favorite things are scattered about in a dimly-lit hallway, with five familiar planets hovering above.

Still waiting to learn the in-comic story behind Charles Dutton…


Now THIS image above is quite a strange sight. John’s enormously built-up house looked stunning back in Act 5 Act 2, but now it just looks weird and nostalgic, especially when it’s unusually close to LOFAF and with a green space player aura around it.


The next few images bring about even more of this strange form of nostalgia. It’s all the familiar locations from the first five acts, looking the same as ever but kind giving off a weird feeling clustered together like this.


John’s built-up house doesn’t quite look the same as ever though. Everything’s fresh and repaired, not the insane mess of imp oil we knew prior. Makes sense given it’s been two in-story years since all that happened, but still gives off a strange feeling.

As for the light coming out of John’s house…


… it turns out to be coming from a TV playing his favorite movie, Con Air. A rather funny moment if I say so myself.

Looks like the cruxtruder was finally moved out of the way.


Now this is quite a cute image. The imps that trashed John’s house so long ago are now chilling out with him and Jade, along with Jaspersprite and some adorable little salamanders. They’re eating copious amounts of cake, as per Egbert family tradition.


It’s a bit odd that John isn’t smiling watching the movie he loves so much. What gives?

Jade lifting the cake with space powers looks really cute, I can’t explain why.
What a classic scene. A fitting time for John to realize something important…


JOHN: jade… 
JADE: hm? 
JOHN: i think i just realized something. 
JADE: what? 

Wait for it… wait for it…

15 YEAR OLD BOY SWEARING


JOHN: THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!! 

THE WHAM LINE.

I don’t think I need any words to describe the sheer shock value of John saying, and I quote, “THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS!!!” I absolutely love humorous wham lines like this.


JADE: whaaat 
JADE: but you love this movie! 
JOHN: yeah, i know. 
JOHN: i mean… i thought i did. 
JOHN: it’s been kind of a long time since i last saw it. i really remember it being a lot better than this! 
JOHN: but now everything just seems so cheesy and stupid. 
JADE: but you were making such a big deal about finally getting me to watch it with you on your birthday! 
JADE: you were going on and on about how i wouldnt be disappointed… but now youre saying you dont like it? 
JOHN: i don’t know. i’m trying to like it. i WANT to like it. 
JOHN: i want to feel the same magic that was there all the other times i watched it. 
JOHN: but i can’t, because… 
JOHN: it’s just… 
JOHN: not… 
JOHN: good. 😦 


So there we have it: John’s opinion on Con Air has flipped completely upside-down. It’s surprising, but considering people’s tastes change as they get older it’s not unusual…

JADE: really? 
JADE: i was actually kind of enjoying it! 
JADE: its very silly 
JADE: i really dont think its the kind of movie youre supposed to take all that seriously john 
JOHN: but i DID take it seriously!!! 
JOHN: i guess maybe that’s kind of the point. 
JOHN: i always thought all this hokey bullshit was legitimately awesome and compelling. 
JOHN: what was i even thinking! 


… at least until John goes into a discussion on taking media seriously. This is where he starts talking out of his ass, which he will only proceed to do more of. Taking a work of media seriously and not taking it seriously aren’t mutually exclusive—not even close. Does John even know what taking things seriously means?

JADE: i dunno…. 
JADE: but people can change their minds about things 
JADE: i think youre allowed to change your mind about a silly movie 
JADE: i used to LOVE the squiddles show when i was really young
JADE: but as i got older i started to realize it wasnt as great as i thought it was 
JADE: i was just too young to see how it was actually a flagrant vehicle for selling merchandise 
JADE: and if you believed the conspiracy theorists it might have even been pushing some other dark hidden agendas….. 
JADE: so i stopped liking the show itself as much but that didnt change the fact that i had a lot of fond memories about it 
JADE: i still loved all the cute characters and could enjoy it on a nostalgic level 


Jade’s reminisce upon the Squiddles show is pretty interesting. It’s an honest discussion on childhood tastes in media that doubles as an in-comic nod to Hussie’s Formspring posts where he claimed the Squiddles were based on people’s subconscious imaginations of the Horrorterrors.

Speaking personally, when I revisit media I liked when I was a kid I usually still enjoy it, but for way different reasons now that I’m an adult.* SpongeBob SquarePants is a prime example and I’m sure I’m not alone in that regard—I now find myself understanding and enjoying things about it I couldn’t grasp when I was younger, while dismissing the parts I liked when I was younger as juvenile humor. It’s a bit like how My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic did WAY too good of a job at adding elements that appeal to adults and ended up having a surprisingly large male fanbase, one that I was sucked into at one point. But there’s really way more childhood media than just SpongeBob that’s had that effect on me. I personally recommend everyone take a moment to look back on media they liked as a kid; you might be surprised by how much your tastes have (or haven’t) changed!

* I’m not even close to being an actual proper Adult though. In some ways I’ll probably never be one.

JOHN: well, maybe later i’ll be able to rekindle some nostalgic feelings about it. 
JOHN: but right now, i just feel like a dope for talking this up so hard. 
JADE: what is even the problem with it? 
JADE: ive just been watching this and thinking, yup, i can see why john was so obsessed with this movie… 
JADE: its funny! 


Aw, Jade is being so sweet. It just makes me smile seeing her understand John’s taste in media perfectly and turn out to enjoy Con Air more than she thought she would.

JOHN: it’s just non stop terrible action movie cliches! 

John, on the other hand? Get ready for him to play the role of a terrible film critic. Speaking from experience, it’s way too fun to write fictional characters analyze media you like (or dislike)—perhaps even more fun than analyzing media already is. I can tell Hussie had an insane amount of fun writing the scene that follows.

This is probably the most “film critic” face anyone has ever made in Homestuck.


JOHN: look. 
JOHN: i love nic cage. he is basically my hero, ok? 
JOHN: but i’m kind of just realizing now that he is EMBARRASSINGLY BAD in this movie! 
JOHN: he is just doing this corny parody of a southern guy who is down on his luck, and acts “charming” with his goofy accent and stuff. 
JOHN: some things i used to think were so badass are just coming off as ridiculous now. 
JOHN: can you believe that one time we were watching this movie, when he said “put the bunny back in the box” i actually high fived my dad? 
JOHN: this time that line just made me roll my eyes. 


The moment John starts talking about his dead father, every reader’s heart shatters into a million pieces. How could he even say such a thing?! I’ll talk more about John’s grief towards his father when he goes into full flipout mode.

JOHN: there’s so much crappy dialogue! 
JOHN: “cyrus, this is your barbecue, and it tastes good…” arrgh! 
JADE: but he was trying to sound like a hardened criminal to win the trust of john malkovich! 
JOHN: jade, please. it was a cheesy line, don’t be so naive. 
JADE: what!! 
JADE: you spent your whole life worshiping this dumb movie and now youre calling ME naive???? 


And it only gets better from there. Now Jade is the one that actually understands the movie while John misses the point of everything and just finds as many things to criticize as he possibly can.

JOHN: ok, i’m sorry. i guess in fairness to you, you have only just begun to climb the steep learning curve of this vexing and hypnotic film. 
JOHN: but i am no longer bound by its spell, jade. 
JADE: oh god 
JADE: vexing and hypnotic?? 
JADE: its a movie full of explosions about a guy with a mullet 
JADE: what is with you lately? you seem to be in such a crappy mood these days 
JOHN: i am fine. this MOVIE is what’s crappy these days. 
JADE: oh bluh bluh 
JADE: can we just finish the rest of the movie? 


John’s mental breakdowns are even funnier than I remember. His personality is completely overhauled when he throws tantrums like this; he now uses advanced poetic vocabulary in ways that make absolutely no sense.

I love this face. I can’t believe JADE is the one making it.


JADE: look you made us miss a whole bunch of stuff! 
JADE: hang on im going to rewind it… 
JOHN: who even cares what we missed. 
JOHN: just cameron stupid poe in his idiot wife beater babbling some more southern home spun heroic nonsense. 
JOHN: heart of gold my ass!!!!! 
JOHN: everything dave ever said about this movie was right! i can’t believe i used to think he was just trolling me. 


Here’s more of John being strangely black-and-white when it comes to taking media seriously and not seriously. I analyzed the times Dave poked fun at John’s favorite movies quite a bit in my rewritten posts about the early acts; it’s clear he likes John’s movies more than he lets on, or at least finds himself thinking about them a lot, especially Little Monsters with the apple juice pee scene.

JOHN: the stupid junkyard scene where cyrus makes a little model out of rocks and stuff, just so he could tell the criminals to surround some army guys and shoot them… that was pointless! 
JOHN: and all this heavy handed scoring. oh my god. the music makes every little thing into such a federal issue! 
JOHN: like… oh man, SOME MINOR CHARACTERS BEING INTRODUCED IN SLOW MOTION! dun-dun dun-dun DUN DUN DUN!!! 
JOHN: there. now you officially know they are all badasses. 
JOHN: also, i somehow didn’t even remember dave chappelle being in this movie. he was pointless too. 
JADE: whos dave chappelle? 
JOHN: and you know the malloy guy, the dick head cop who we’re supposed to hate, because of how he gives john cusack a hard time and makes asshole decisions with a helicopter? 
JOHN: well screw that! he wasn’t so bad. so what if he was a little grumpy? he was just trying to do his job. he had one of the best lines in the movie actually, which was another thing we were supposed to hate him for. 
JOHN: what was it? about how cusack was probably out saving a tree and recycling his sandals or some shit? HAHAHA! now that i think about it, i fucking LOVE malloy. 
JOHN: i’m going to rewind it to watch that scene again… 
JADE: no!!! 
JADE: dont touch the remote 
JOHN: oh, and we’re supposed to be like “YEAH” when cusack wrecks malloy’s awesome sports car. 
JOHN: but that was a nice car! john cusack shouldn’t have ruined it like that for laughs. 
JOHN: i know *I* wasn’t laughing, were you? 
JADE: YES :p 


Oh my fucking god, this is side-splitting. John’s nonsensical criticisms remind me of CinemaSins, a YouTube channel I used to be a big fan of until they became more and more of a sleazy blatant cashgrab. This whole rant is such an amazing parody of movie reviewers who miss the point of everything and only do it for the money, all because John isn’t quite thinking straight.

JOHN: john cusack was such a terrible character in this movie now that i think about it. i don’t really get what he added to it? 
JOHN: he was like the second hero… but dorkier? what did he even really do? he scampered around the junkyard for a while goofing off, and then when it was his time to shine… 
JOHN: HE DEMONSTRATED HIS MASTERY OVER HEAVY MACHINERY! wow, he can operate a crane! i am thrilled by the exploits of this pedantic weenie. 
JOHN: i guess he’s actually like cage’s estranged sidekick? almost like the robin that batman never realized he had. 
JOHN: now that i think about it, this movie was always an oddly poignant tale of bromance between cage and cusack. just two bros separated by destiny, waiting to be united. 
JOHN: when they finally come together to kick some ass, it is arguably more moving than when he reunites with his wife and daughter! 


Do you ever just read something that is every bit as hilarious as it is poignant? Through describing how touching it is when Cage and Cusack finally reunite, John is underhandedly venting about how badly he misses Rose and Dave.

All that said, there’s nothing unusual about realizing things about your life through media. That one anime I’ve been constantly talking about for the past few months reminds me of my days in middle school way more than I’d like to admit. One of the characters (Yui Hirasawa, if you must know) reminds me of myself which is great because she’s extremely super adorable. Some of the characters even remind me of specific friends from those days. And don’t even get me started on all the things about life I’ve realized through reading the Homestuck Epilogues, especially at the end with the Obama scene… I’m getting a bit off topic though. Let’s continue.

JOHN: i wonder if i’ll think that scene sucks now too? it used to move me to tears, but now i’ll probably think it’s so lame, i’m almost afraid to watch it. maybe i should try to leave at least SOME memories untainted. 
JADE: john you are kind of sounding like a crazy person here 


Despite suddenly disliking Con Air, John still has all these analogies between his friends and the movie’s cast heavily ingrained in his head. The poster shown in the Con Air parody flash near the end of Act 4 accurately maps John to Nicolas Cage, Dave to John Cusack, and Karkat to John Malkovich; he’s also mapped Cage’s daughter to the salamander named after her, and his wife to whoever is most convenient (which is at the moment nobody, more on that soon!). As such, he badly wants to leave some of his Con Air memories intact and especially doesn’t want to risk tarnishing his love for his beautiful salamander daughter.

JOHN: yeah right! crazy like a fOWWW! 
JADE: what??? 
JOHN: oh… 
JOHN: i guess there was a stray feather clinging to my pajamas and it just poked me in the ass. 


Can… feathers do that??? Maybe they can, I don’t know. Either way, this line humorously(?) demonstrates that John and Davesprite absolutely hate each other now.

Oh my god, Jade looks like she needs a hug.


JADE: yeah…. john 
JADE: i dont think davesprite is coming tonight 

JOHN: aw, man. really? 
JOHN: i knew we shouldn’t have invited both him and jaspers. 
JOHN: that’s just party planning BASICS. 
JADE: no… 
JADE: it has nothing to do with jaspers 
JOHN: oh. 
JOHN: then why? 
JADE: he uh… 
JADE: kind of broke up with me 


I’ve always found it kind of fascinating that Jade x Davesprite was simultaneously canonized and sunk through the last line above. I remember one person somewhere compared it to the sound of a ship going off and sinking at the same time, which is way too hilarious to imagine considering that breakups are, you know, sad. Especially in this case, because we didn’t know for a fact they were dating until we learned they broke up.


JOHN: what!!!
JOHN: when did that happen? 
JADE: a couple days ago 
JOHN: no. no way. 
JOHN: i cannot accept this! 
JADE: john its ok you dont have t… 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like the glue holding everything together on this miserable road trip! 
JADE: we were? 
JOHN: yes, jade. 
JOHN: you were our rock. 
JADE: your rock?? 
JADE: what are you talking about? 
JOHN: come on, jade. 
JOHN: you and dave sprite were like… an INSTITUTION on this stupid golden battleship. 
JADE: we were not an institution! 
JADE: you are just saying meaningless things now 


How did Hussie even write this??? It’s kind of crazy to imagine someone actually writing a rant that makes zero sense but fits well as part of a massive mental breakdown. First Jade and Davesprite are the glue, then they’re the rock, and now they’re an “institution”.

JOHN: why did he break up with you?! 
JADE: um… 
JADE: its complicated 
JADE: basically hes just going through a lot of stuff right now
JOHN: stuff?? 
JOHN: what stuff. 
JOHN: jade, we are all going through stuff. you don’t see me flying off the handle and breaking up with MY girlfriend. 
JADE: do uh… 
JADE: you have a girlfriend? 
JOHN: that is not the point. 

Time to finally discuss aromantic John headcanons, just like I would have done back in late 2016 if I wasn’t a complete idiot back then.

Well OK, maybe I wasn’t a complete idiot. I just didn’t understand any LGBT stuff beyond people being gay or straight and didn’t think most of it actually existed. Aromantic was one such thing I didn’t think existed, which is weird and a little embarrassing in retrospect because I now know that I am, and have always been, unmistakably aromantic.

A natural consequence of being aromantic is that I am obligated to discuss how that orientation is represented in Homestuck. I’m not of those people that puts extreme stock in their sexuality or other odd traits being accurately represented in media, but I can’t say it doesn’t feel extremely gratifying when media accurately represents traits of mine. I would go on more about that topic but I don’t want to get sidetracked into ranting about anime girls. Just watch K-ON! if you haven’t, if you like anything that’s fun and especially if you like good music I guarantee you won’t be disappointed. Every girl is best girl, Yui is just the best best girl.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah. Homestuck. John’s perception of romance in the first five acts was extremely childish, which evolved to strong disinterest in Act 6 Intermission 2 when he firmly declared romance and dating to be dumb and boring. I think it’s completely fair for readers at that point to confidently presume John to be aromantic. There’s just one catch though: identity questioning and reconsideration is a real thing that exists. It’s been a theme in Homestuck for longer than most people probably realize. Though people usually refer to gender and sexuality when they talk about “identity” in media, I think identity goes way beyond just that. It’s what you choose to affiliate yourself with or what sort of person you present yourself as, which I think has been a theme in Homestuck since the early acts. A major case of identity questioning is John’s opinion on Vriska, which constantly fluctuates between sincere admiration and extreme hatred and everything in between. His opinion on Vriska goes hand-in-hand with his opinion on romance, which also regularly fluctuates. At the point we’re in now, John is invested enough in romance to mention his nonexistent “girlfriend” amidst a mental breakdown. This isn’t the only time in this act where John mentions his “girlfriend”; maybe I’ll discuss that topic more there, especially since the next time he mentions it foreshadows his relationship with Roxy.

You may think that as an aromantic person, I would like it if Homestuck had an unambiguously aromantic character. But I actually appreciate the characters’ constant identity questioning far more than any of that! It’s really quite a shame fans of pretty much any media tend to perceive characters’ “identities” so robotically. Though there’s a lot of LGBT stuff I still don’t understand, I can safely say I’ve grown past thinking of any of it as firm and black-and-white.


This hand gesture. This FUCKING hand gesture. This MOTHERFUCKING hand gesture. It’s the absolute funniest thing to ever exist. The longer I stare at this image the funnier it gets.

JOHN: the point is that dave sprite is a douche. 
JADE: i dont think hes a douche, hes just… 
JOHN: no, he’s an orange feathery douche. 

JOHN: why is he such a basket case? he’s like regular dave, but like, aloof enigma edition. 
JOHN: maybe it’s because he’s part bird? i think becoming a bird and a sprite did something weird to him. 
JADE: i dont think being a bird ever bothered him 
JADE: like i said… its all more complicated than that 
JOHN: normal dave was so much more level headed. 
JOHN: i have to admit, i spend a lot of time wondering what he and rose are up to. 
JADE: me too 
JOHN: ehh… 
JOHN: maybe it’s for the best he broke up with you. 
JADE: why? 
JOHN: well, what kind of future do you think you would have with him? 
JOHN: he’s a sprite. like really, what even is a sprite? how long do they live? will he still be around if we win the new game we are allegedly trying to get to? 
JADE: i dont know 
JOHN: there are a lot of things we don’t know. 
JOHN: and also… 
JOHN: how do things even work if you marry a sprite? 
JADE: what do you mean 
JOHN: i mean… 
JOHN: ok, he has a ghost butt, for one thing. 
JADE: uh 
JADE: so 
JOHN: a GHOST BUTT, jade! 
JADE: SO WHAT IF HE HAS A GHOST BUTT!!!!! 
JOHN: i’m just saying… 
JADE: WHATEVER YOURE JUST SAYING, JUST STOP SAYING IT! 
JADE: and whatever youre trying to gesture with your hands there, stop doing that too! 


“Ghost butt” will never not be funny. Does John really know that little about how sex and romance work, or is he just too uncomfortable to use big boy words? We will probably never know… (it’s probably the latter)

Jade’s discomfort with John’s sexual rambles reads way differently knowing a CERTAIN THING about her in the epilogues…


JADE: today is your birthday, youre supposed to be having fun! 
JADE: but youve been so testy, as if youre committed to not having a good time 
JOHN: well, maybe i’m just getting a little tired of being stuck on this lame boat! 
JOHN: don’t you think it’s gotten kind of old? 
JADE: yeah, i can see how you might find it a little slow here 
JADE: i dunno, i havent minded much… maybe its different for me though because i used to live all alone? 


Eugh, please don’t make me think of Jade’s post-retcon battleship journey again. Jade has it so easy here but then the retcon made HER the one who was extremely depressed and lonely. The epilogues have redeemed much of my prior Homestuck salt, but they have only worsened my salt on how poorly the story treats Jade. The only reason I don’t constantly complain about Jade salt is that I am in awe about the characters that did get happy endings, especially Jake “Punching Bag” English in Candy.

JOHN: oh sure, i’m sure it’s GREAT for you. you get to spend your days smooching and breaking up with dave sprite and what not, and you can shrink down to any old planet you feel like, any time. whereas i have to make this whole big deal of ASKING you to shrink or unshrink me, and… 
JADE: but i dont mind doing that any time!!! 
JOHN: i know, but you think i want to bug you about that at the drop of a hat? when you’re busy and on dates and stuff? i just happen to have respect for something called PERSONAL BOUNDARIES, jade. 


Though John had just shown signs of not being quite as aromantic as we may have thought, he still seems slow to understand how romance works in practice. I can’t quite tell how much of his childish speak is an effect of his mental breakdown or recent revelation that Davesprite has a ghost butt.

JOHN: and it’s not like there’s really anyone else to talk to, except the inscrutable chess people and a bunch of brainless consorts and an idiot cat princess. oh and also nanna, but i mean, she’s my grandmother, and she’s great, but a guy can only spend so much quality time with his grandmother before he starts to feel like kind of a loser whose friends are too busy to spend time with him! 
JADE: john… if you told me this earlier i would have… 
JOHN: and i still never visit any interesting dream bubbles, and we can’t even finish our cool planet quests because the moment we broke through the window all our denizens decided to go back to sleep, and… 
JOHN: i guess what i’m saying is, i’m MORE than ready to get to the other window and meet our friends and other new people and stuff. 


Can I just say the word

“sadstuck”

and be done with this post??? Jesus Christ, this is killing me.

JADE: were already going as fast as i can make us go 
JOHN: and how fast is that again? 
JADE: about the speed of light! 
JOHN: well, can’t you use your space powers and bump it up a notch? 
JADE: no! nothing can go faster than light john 
JADE: unless you teleport of course 
JOHN: and why can’t you teleport us again? 
JADE: i already explained this! i cant do that here, its not within the domain of the green sun which gives me those powers!
JOHN: is that why we can’t go faster than light either? 
JADE: no thats just a regular law of physics!!! jeez 
JOHN: ok, i mean, i know that. but this isn’t really a regular place, right? 
JOHN: isn’t the speed of light like a thousand miles a second? so what does that really mean here? are miles and seconds the same here as on earth? how does this nonsense dimension we’re racing through jive with all the relativity mumbo jumbo? 
JADE: ok first of all, thats not even close to the speed of light 
JADE: light travels at a hundred and eighty six thousand miles per second no matter what frame of reference youre in… even this one! 
JADE: second of all special relativity and comparing laws of physics between different frames of reference, those are tricky issues to talk about! 
JADE: but id be more than happy to talk about them if youd like. actually i would enjoy that because i never really get to talk about science wi… 

JOHN: no, i don’t want to talk about physics! i don’t know anything about the laws of physics, because they are hard and boring. 

More Sadstuck when Jade reminds us she’s always been a passionate science nerd but never got to indulge with friends in that interest like John with his movies or Dave with his comics. At least the epilogues show that someone enjoys taking part in Jade’s lesser-known interests, namely her grandfatherson Jake.

JOHN: i simply would like them to behave in a way that is most convenient to ME and MY LIFE! is that really asking too much? 
JADE: yes as a matter of fact it is! 
JOHN: well, guess what? SCIENCE IS STUPID BULLSHIT!!! 
JADE: you take that back!!!!! 
JOHN: no. 
JOHN: magic is awesome. 
JOHN: science blows. 
JOHN: the end. 


😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

^ There’s ten frowny faces. One for John, one for Jade, and eight for dear sweet Casey the salamander.

Suddenly, John notices something stuck to his back. What could it possibly be???


This parody fatherly note just cracked me up so hard, holy shit. Why is Homestuck so funny?????

The real Dave would never spell McConaughey’s name correctly.


… well, at least until the line “im proud as shit youre my son or whatever.” That is so fucking mean and brutal, I can’t believe any version of Dave would ever make fun of John’s departed father so shamelessly.

It flips back into black comedy with the line “next stop: figuring out mcconaughey is trash” though.

It hurts so hard seeing a picture of the long gone Dad Egbert.


JOHN: THAT BASTARD!!! 
JADE: what? 
JOHN: THIS IS TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS. 
JADE: what is it?? 
JOHN: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS. 
JOHN: IT IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW!!! 
JOHN: RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH! 

JADE: where are you going? 
JOHN: I’M GOING TO GO KICK HIS ASS! 
JADE: what! john, no… 
JOHN: POSING AS MY DEAD FATHER BY MIMICKING ONE OF HIS GREAT FATHERLY NOTES HE USED TO HIDE AROUND THE HOUSE??? 
JOHN: AND ON THE TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY HE WAS SLAIN BY JACK NOIR, A *FACT* OF WHICH THAT CHEEKY ORANGE ASSHOLE IS PLAINLY AWARE?????? 
JOHN: THIS IS A NEW LOW, EVEN FOR DAVE SPRITE! 


Through going into full-scale flipout mode, John reveals that he misses his dad far more than he lets on. He now thinks of April 13 more as the anniversary of his father’s death than his own birthday.


JOHN: I’M COMING FOR YOU, DAVE SPRITE! 
JOHN: DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU MAGICAL SON OF A BITCH? I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! 
JOHN: THAT STUNT WASN’T COOL! *YOU’RE* NOT COOL! 
JOHN: LIKE IT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH YOU DUMPED JADE FOR NO REASON. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU! 
JOHN: YOU AND JADE WERE OUR ROCK ON THIS SHIP! YOU HEAR ME?? OUR ROOOOOOOOCK!!! 
JADE: 😐 
JOHN: AND NOW *THIS* BULLSHIT??? WHAT THE HELL, MAN. 
JOHN: I DON’T GO AROUND LEAVING FAKE PUZZLES FOR YOU LIKE FROM THE MOVIE SAW, DO I? HAVE YOU EVER HEARD ME SAY I WANT TO PLAY A GAME EVEN *ONCE*?? WELL, HAVE YOU???? 
JOHN: NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD STIR UP PAINFUL MEMORIES OF A DEARLY DEPARTED LOVED ONE, AND THEREFORE WOULD BE UNBELIEVABLY SHITTY OF ME!!!!!!!! 


John’s flipped his shit so hard he’s now talking about the movie Saw, a famous scene of which we recently saw Caliborn reenact. It’s a pretty neat case of circumstantial simultaneity.


JOHN: HEY! I SEE YOU THERE! 
JOHN: GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW, WISE GUY! 
JOHN: OH NO, DON’T PLAY DUMB. I CAN SEE YOU PLAIN AS DAY. I’M ON TO YOU, BUDDY. 
JOHN: STOP VAGUELY WATERMARKING THE SKY WITH YOUR SMUG DOUCHEY FACE THIS INSTANT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!!! 


And right after referencing Saw, John breaks the fourth wall by nodding in-comic to the sky watermarks the comic has occasionally done with such figures as Snoop Dogg and the ICP. It’s such a perfect way to convey someone is having a serious mental breakdown.


JOHN: YEAH SURE, LAUGH IT UP! THAT MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE WAY LESS OF A TOOL. NICE GOING BRO! 
JOHN: EVERYONE ON THIS BOAT IS SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT! WHY DON’T YOU JUST FLY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE? 
JOHN: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MUCH MORE OF A PRICK THAN THE REAL DAVE? YOU ARE THE MOST PISS POOR SUBSTITUTE FOR A BEST FRIEND A GUY EVER HAD. 
JOHN: I CAN’T *WAIT* TO MEET UP WITH THE REAL DAVE AGAIN. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO THE AWESOME STATUS QUO OF PRETENDING YOU NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! 


OOF OUCH SHIT FUCK. John’s lines about Davesprite sting HARD, HARD, HARD. I feel INCREDIBLY bad for John here. And I feel kind of bad for Davesprite too? But mostly John.

JADE: john… 
JADE: theres no one there 

JOHN: oh he’s THERE alright. 
JOHN: he’s probably just using some sprite magic so only i can see him. 
JOHN: don’t you see, jade? he’s antagonizing ME PERSONALLY, not you. he’s done with you, remember? 
JOHN: he already used you like a rented mule, and now he is moving on to greener pastures. 
JADE: what pastures 
JOHN: it’s me. 
JOHN: I’M the pastures. 
JOHN: and now his mule is grazing all over them, while he has a good laugh. 
JADE: what 
JADE: wasnt i supposed to be the mule? 
JADE: i dont think i understand your analogy 
JOHN: no, you see, it’s… 
JOHN: the mule represented, like… 
JOHN: i don’t know, like the spirit animal of his douchey ways. or something. 
JADE: …. 


John’s nonsensical metaphors are far funnier than they have any right to be. They might be even funnier than the metaphors the Striders are so fond of, because John’s always either fall apart early on or never make any sense in the first place.


JOHN: augh, WHO CAAARES. 
JOHN: who cares about mules, or pastures, or dave sprite’s stupid ephemeral sky visage. 
JOHN: who cares about anything!!! 
JOHN: who cares about my birthday, or nic cage, or this boat full of idiots. 
JOHN: JUST. 
JOHN: WHO. 
JOHN: CARES. 
JADE: john i think youre officially throwing a tantrum here 
JADE: … 
JADE: john? 

JADE: john… 
JADE: are you asleep? 
JADE: please dont tell me you just fell asleep in your driveway 


And so, John’s tantrum and Jade’s screen time are both cut short when John suddenly passes out. What’s he going to dream about this time? We’ll find out after Openbound Part 2; a rather entertaining cliffhanger, I must say.

This post was incredibly fun to write. It’s probably one of the most self-indulgent I’ve ever written. I found plenty of excuses to talk about the various media I’ve liked over the years; let’s be real here, at some point I’m going to cave in and write an enormous post all about my favorite anime girls. It will be epic, just you wait. But for now, see you next time as Meenah meets even more shitty joke characters, some of whom I already have quite a few possibly interesting(???) things to say about.

>> Part 88: Greaser Grillings and Ghostly GIFs

Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 85: The Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit

Introduction

Part 84 | Part 85 | Part 86 >

Act 6 Act 3, Part 11 of 11 HOLY FUCK I’M FINISHED WITH THIS ACT

Pages 5238-5262 (MSPA: 7138-7162)

I did it. I finally did it.

OK guys, it’s time. IT’S TIME. To finally finish commentating on Act 6 Act 3, the part of Homestuck this post series has been stuck on for almost three years now. Are you MOTHERFUCKERS ready for me to finally stop chickening out from dissecting enormous flashes?

I know this will make me sound like an idiot, but I’m really really looking forward to dissecting the Openbound trilogy of walkaround games where we get to know the Beforan trolls. So why not finally finish going through the last part of Homestuck I have left before those? We’re doing it, man. We’re making this happen.

Red Miles look stunning, no matter the circumstance.

[S] Dirk: Synchronize is a whole two minutes of Dirk being fucking awesome. The moment he wakes up, he cuts to the chase and starts doing awesome stuff.

This white cube is known as a “perfectly radical object”, which is a term I made up just now.

First, he captchalogues Squarewave; as we see firsthand, this robot can be compacted into a block form.

Next up is the obligatory thumbs-up/down sequence. As you’re surely aware, no Strider-centric flash is complete without at least one thumbs up (or thumbs down). That’s a proven fact of life.

And then here’s probably my favorite cool thing Dirk does in this flash. Remember how each of the beta kids had to find something heavy to open their client players’ cruxtruders? Dirk doesn’t need to do that. Through a well-timed acrobatic fucking pirouette, he pops open his own cruxtruder. That’s just, like. Way too cool and awesome.

The tint of orange is a nice touch, I can’t explain why. Looks way better when animated.

Another proven fact about Striders is that they can do stuff others couldn’t just through a bit of creative thinking. How does Dirk make it all the way to Roxy’s house in the limited timeframe he has to bring her back to life? First he builds up enough speed on his rocketboard to blast out the window (with a sick rail grind for good measure) …

… then he blasts through the fenestrated plane to Roxy’s Skaianet lab (with a sweet high five with Meenah for good measure) …

This is such a funny moment, my god.
 
This flash has a lot more good moments like this that I didn’t post pictures of. I suggest you rewatch the flash yourself.

… then he flies to Roxy’s house and kisses her corpse straight on the lips, conveniently censored by Squarewave’s text box. This censorship makes sense because Roxy is everyone’s favorite waifu and many’s faces will light up when she kisses or is kissed—exactly the kind of thing Hussie won’t treat his readers to under any circumstance, not even when Roxy is dead. It’s kind of like how we didn’t get to see Jade corpsesmooch Dave, since that ship was always a big fan favorite.

Why is it so goddamn funny whenever someone reacts to kissing a dead body the way a normal person probably would?

And then for the grand finale: Roxy tries to corpsesmooch Jane, Dirk sendificates a bucket back in time, and then he…

… decapitates himself?

I don’t think there’s a single other flash in Homestuck that ends on a note quite as confusing as this one. What reason could Dirk possibly have to send his severed head back in time at the cost of his waking self’s life? He was on such a roll. But this confusing ending makes sense, because this was only the first half of a grandiose sequence—the second half we’ll see after a few more pages.

After Dirk’s severed head appears in the ruins of Jake’s house, a mysterious hand dumps water from the bucket Dirk just sendificated to wake him up. Fun little mystery arc right there: we don’t have a clue who this hand could possibly be, nor do we know that Jake’s friends are all standing right behind him.

After a bunch of nonsense where Dirk’s responder cryptically asks Jake to kiss Dirk’s severed head, we get an interesting exchange where the Auto-Responder reveals his new name.

TT: Please don’t call me Auto-Responder. 
TT: It is very impersonal, and I no longer care for the designation. 
TT: I have decided on a new name, to distinguish myself from my human counterpart. 
GT: Really. 
GT: What is it? 
TT: Lil Hal. 
GT: Huh? 
GT: Why that name… 
TT: Just a reference to the protagonist of an ancient movie. You probably wouldn’t like it.

Lil’ Hal claims to have named himself after the “protagonist of an ancient movie”, which is invigorating to me. To demonstrate what I find interesting about this claim, let me use the example of a webcomic called…

*drumroll*

Homestuck.

So the protagonist of Homestuck is obviously John Egbert—that goes without saying, right? Not to some people. I’ve seen readers argue that through the principles of literature and character arcs, the true protagonist of Homestuck must be Vriska. I’ve also seen readers argue that the true protagonist is Caliborn, again due to the principles of character arcs. Both of those claims sound stupid to me (as much as I love Caliborn), but I can kind of see where they’re coming from if you want to think in insanely technical and twisted terms instead of doing things like a normal person?

I think Hal is using this same principle to claim HAL 9000 is the true protagonist of 2001: A Space Odyssey. He’s not just saying that for fun; it’s a genuine indicator that he’s now beyond thinking of things in human terms, instead going for the twisted morality of such figures as Doc Scratch and Skaia.

GT: Did you plan for this to happen… like for me to be in this situation? 
GT: How long have your machinations been in play! 
TT: Jake, come on. 
TT: The feat you describe would exceed the capabilities of even the most far fetched theoretical AI system. 
TT: It would be a daunting challenge to engineer such a series of events, even if I was relegated to a model of pure fiction. 
TT: Why would I be inclined to orchestrate such a convoluted sequence to produce such a specific and unsettling result, let alone be able to pull it off? 
TT: In addition to being moderately sociopathic, I would also have to possess unfathomable heuristic depth. 
TT: I would have to be the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit. 
TT: Do you think I am the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit, Jake?

This passage is more stupid meta nonsense wherein Hal messes with Jake, claiming that it’s unreasonable for him to expect this head-kissing situation to have been planned all along. I would normally skip over it, but I’m quoting it here because I love the phrase “the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit” and I want to make it extra clear I didn’t come up with that beautiful phrase myself.

GT: Little hal… i think youve gone and flipped your FUDGING LID. 
GT: Oh and hal is a STUPID NAME!!!! 
TT: It’s not exactly apropos, is it? 
TT: Or it wouldn’t be, if I truly were capable of what you have suggested. 
TT: No, to pull that off, I would have to be far more advanced than my cinematic predecessor. 
TT: My abilities would have to go well beyond those of Mr. Hal 9000. 
TT: They would have to be, you could say… 
TT: Over 9000. 
TT: [shades emote x9] 
GT: Augh not that fuckin meme again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find Homestuck’s references to the “over 9000” meme way way way too funny. Homestuck usually takes its in-story memes from Dave’s SBaHJ comics, which means any references to external memes will stick out like a sore thumb. Did Hussie ever take the opportunity to reference trending memes from the time he wrote his comic? Hardly ever. But did he shamelessly reference a meme that had fallen out of fashion before Homestuck started multiple times in the same act? Hell yeah he did. This meme is referenced three times in Act 6 Act 3; the latter two times it’s followed by a complaint about how overused it is.

Also, I begrudgingly admit that Lil’ Hal made a clever pun.

GT: So youre telling me that while i was asleep somehow EVERYBODY died??? 
TT: Jake, everybody is so utterly fucking dead, Jake. 
TT: And they will be not only dead, but royally boned forever if you don’t man the hell up and make out with me, right now. 
TT: Be the Salome to my John the Baptist. 
GT: I dont know what THAT means either!!! 
TT: I know you don’t. 
TT: But now is not the time to accelerate your cultural enrichment.

An inevitable side effect of being a pretentious toolbag is that you’ll never stop making references that you know others won’t get. Those two character traits just go hand-in-hand.

TT: The conductor is ready to strike up the band. 
TT: Press your lips against mine and make it count. 
TT: This severed head is your filthy tuba. 
TT: Our love will be your haunting refrain. 
GT: Whoa wait whoa whoa… our LOVE? Hang on a minute! 
TT: Stfu and kiss me. 

Problem Sleuth reference!!!!! It’s a very good reference, but at the same time incredibly disturbing, especially if you’ve actually read Problem Sleuth like anyone who’s read Homestuck should. Very fitting for Hal of all characters no less.

I should mention here, I participated in a Problem Sleuth community reread not long ago and wrote a short essay on Reddit reviewing it. It was my second time ever reading Problem Sleuth all the way through and boy was it a fun ride.

GT: Ok im going to! God!!! 
GT: I just… 
GT: This isnt how i pictured it going. 
TT: Pictured what? 
GT: Between him and me. 
GT: There had to be a better way than this! 
TT: This is the only way it can be. 
GT: I guess if it was going to go this way… 
GT: I kinda pictured something different? 
GT: There was stuff i wanted to say. 
GT: To the real him i mean.

More of the responder expressing a mindset common to the forces of predestination, with even more smartassery than usual.

TT: Tick, tock, Jake. Time is dead kids. 
TT: How ’bout that smooch? 
GT: Stop being so pushy! 
TT: I thought you were supposed to like adventure? 
GT: I LOVE adventure and you KNOW it! 
TT: I’m not sure what to believe anymore, frankly.

Oh man, we’re not too far from the point where Jake’s “loving adventure” trait is brutally deconstructed. He talks about it during the post-trickster split screen conversations and it’s one of the best parts of what is already one of my favorite sections of the comic.

GT: ALRIGHT WISE GUY YOU WANT YOUR FLIPPING KISS??? 
GT: YOU GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

A genuinely stunning image, just as Dirk (plus Dirk, with a bit of additional help from Dirk) had planned.

And then he does it. After a silly zoom-in to Dirk’s dead lips, we’re treated to this gorgeous shot of Jake English smooching Dirk Strider’s severed head in front of an erupting volcano. Too bad Jane, Roxy, and Dirk aren’t there to witness the utter beauty.

And with that, Dirk’s dream light overpowers and shatters into pieces. I guess it’s supposed to indicate that Jake did something mind-blowing? And also to lead up to the second half of Dirk’s flash sequence, [S] Dirk: Unite.

While Synchronize focused on Dirk’s waking self, Unite focuses on his dream self now that his waking self underwent his first of many decapitations to come. Cool duality, as we can see through visual callbacks.

The best sad face in all of Homestuck by far.

First off, Dirk kicks Roxy out of the way and corpsesmooches Jane; Roxy is amusingly disappointed.

Not shown: Jane transportalizing to the frog temple.
 
Interesting to think that dream Dirk probably could have done the same on Derse and met Jake in person long ago, had he not chosen to stay in hiding for so long.

As Dirk and Roxy fly through the Veil on the way to the meteor with the frog temple, they’re engaged in a weird sort of embrace—fitting for a first-time meeting between two people who had never spoken to another human being in person until this very moment.* One of them probably spent every day before then fantasizing about giving her friends a nice, warm hug; the other doesn’t even seem to know what hugging is. Kind of reminds me of the narration’s description of Dave and Dirk’s hug when John zaps back to it in the Candy Epilogue, where Dirk “looks like he’s never actually hugged another human being before”.

* I would say neither had met another human being in person, but that’s technically false because dream Dirk has seen Roxy’s sleeping dream self plenty before.

Jane joins the ship ride and it becomes even more of a spectacle than before, with her flailing around in confusion while Roxy is overjoyed and Dirk roughly tries to embrace them both while keeping his cool.

The bucket appears at just the right spot to land on Dirk’s rocketboard so he can fill it with water. Think about it for a second: Dirk had to time things just right and enter just the right location for the bucket to arrive for him to fill it up with water. If he made just the slightest slip, the bucket would have fallen into the ocean never to be seen again (except maybe by Caliborn millions of years in the future). How is it even possible for him to be this precise??? I guess that’s just Dirk for you. Though it’s not out of the question that adult Jade could achieve similar feats of precision, with the uncanny scientific knowledge she demonstrates in the epilogues.

Turns out the mystery hand that dumped water on Jake turned out to be none other than Dirk himself, his dream self to be specific. I like how Dirk could have woken Jake simply by poking him or something, but instead went through this whole scheme to get Jake to kiss his severed head and thus had to find a different way to wake him up.

Jake sees Dirk alive and freaks out, dropping his severed head in the process; the girls’ reactions are truly something to behold. Roxy is staring with her mouth open à la Karkat. Jane is making exact same uncomfortable face she made when failing to confess to Jake, which was a bit of a fandom meme at the time. Meanwhile, Dirk is just standing calmly with a bucket in one hand as if nothing surprising happened, which makes sense because he just executed his whole crazy plan without a hitch. I love when flashes end on humorous notes like this.

These panels show us that Dirk’s robots are handling what would be his and Roxy’s entries into the Medium. His Strider cleverness shines here: he sent the portable Squarewave to handle Roxy’s entry and left the mighty Sawtooth to handle his own. Note that we don’t get to see their entry items, which makes thematic sense because robots are doing the job this time.

Meeting together in person is one of the few things the alphas did better than the betas.

Meanwhile, the alpha kids have all gathered at the ruins of Jake’s house. Jake’s entry item is a tree like Jane’s, but with a Lord English doll hanging from it instead of nothing. It doesn’t serve all that much of a thematic purpose, other than foreshadowing that Caliborn is Lord English which we’ll see firsthand very shortly.

Sawtooth: Enter.
Squarewave: Enter.
Jane, Dirk. Jake, Roxy: Enter.
… And we’re done!

The three following entries into the Medium don’t get dramatic animations, nor do they need to—just short, simple flashes without audio. It’s kind of amazing seeing those three entries happen in short succession, rather than each occurring in its own dramatic way.

There’s one more character in the alpha kids’ arc yet to enter the Medium, who most certainly will get a dramatic animation. I’ve been waiting SO LONG to get to this point, my god. Are you ready? ARE YOU READY? It’s time to dissect one of the best flashes in the comic, maybe the best besides Cascade. [S] Caliborn: Enter, here we come!!!!!!!!!!!

Trivia time!
 
Caliborn is the only character in Homestuck whose name is revealed through the title of a flash.

This flash opens by alternating between where we last saw Caliborn (about to wake up from Calliope’s final nap in their shared sarswapagus) and where we last saw Lord English (traveling through Hussiespace in his Cairo Overcoat). Good use of circumstantial simultaneity to finally reveal Lord English’s identity.

Remember the cruxite doll we just saw hanging from Jake’s tree? This is why we saw it.
This is where the MUSIC DROPS, MY GOD I LOVE HOMESTUCK MUSIC

Then the red spirals on Caliborn’s cheeks become red circles and he wakes up. One hell of a wham shot right there.


This flash’s music has so many dramatic reprises of familiar Homestuck themes, I love it.

As English travels through the Furthest Ring, the Sburb spirograph logo does its usual funky animation in the background. It feels so amazing seeing that logo again; it tells readers that this is going to be a DRAMATIC end-of-act flash.


We start to see some familiar imagery as English’s journey continues. First the Horrorterrors from when we were introduced to the Furthest Ring, then the dream bubble Roxy visited with that weird pastiche of Earth, LOLAR, LOWAS, and Skaia.

Doomed copies of Karkat and Nepeta getting together is more than can be said about A LOT of popular ships.

And inside that bubble is a huge party of troll ghosts—some familiar like the doomed Karkat and Nepeta standing together, some never seen before like the god tier Tavros.

Fittingly enough, when Lord English enters the scene we see a memory of the Felt manor all the way back from the Midnight Crew intermission. It’s a great demonstration of how the scenery of dream bubbles changes depending on who’s inside that doubles as a reminder that the intermission is when we first heard about English.

Among the many ghosts watching English’s entrance, three look especially familiar: the John from Davesprite’s timeline and the two unlucky doomed copies of Dave. It’s sweet to see them gathered together like this, at least until we see what follows.

When English appears in full view, this flash takes a moment to remind us that he is a Hero of Time in an unusual way: through English descending onto what is technically a memory of Dave’s quest bed.

English’s full appearance transitions us to what we now know is his younger self. The first thing Caliborn does as a predominated evil cherub is take off his shackles, which he has no reason to keep on now that his sister is dead. There’s one problem though: he can’t unlock his sister’s shackle. So how does he get out of this predicament?

This might be THE most jaw-dropping moment in all of Homestuck.

He BITES HIS MOTHERFUCKING LEG OFF. Or should I say, he bites her motherfucking leg off.

Words cannot describe how just plain shocking this scene is. It’s the perfect character establishing moment for Caliborn.


I completely forgot about Caliborn’s bloody head, holy shit.
Another moment tough to screencap, the leg isn’t even visible here. I wish the readmspa.org storyboards were finished 😦

Caliborn tosses her leg aside and spits out a tooth in the process. This is the first instance of the tooth/leg motif, a sibling of the eye/arm motif. Technically the first of only two instances (the other is the alpha kids’ Jack Noir), but cool and new web comic also has an instance that is done hilariously and very much in the spirit of parodying Homestuck.

Later on, this leg will get replaced with a sick golden leg. Kind of a shame it gets replaced with a boring pegleg when he becomes Lord English, but I guess that’s the way things are.

When Caliborn puts on his leg, we learn that he isn’t quite as stupid as we may have thought; certainly not stupid in the way his sister is. It turns out Caliborn had already planned this day out and had a robot leg ready waiting to be put on—the same leg he got Dirk in the past to make for him. Cunning plans that break imaginary “rules” are something Caliborn has in common with the Striders, especially Dirk. Dirk’s plans are always insanely complicated, while Caliborn’s plans are always insanely stupid yet brilliant at the same time.

Similar to what we saw with Calliope earlier, Caliborn’s scepter transforms into a rifle. Kind of interesting that in Caliborn’s case, a character pattern is shown in a dramatic flash instead of through the usual narration. Same goes for his name reveal.

And if you thought Caliborn was scary, wait till you see what Lord English is about to do. He blasts a rainbow laser beam out of his mouth…


The musical motif in this scene is the same one that played when John went to his dad’s room for the first time.

This time, it’s in a scene that’s even more terrifying.

… which VAPORIZES THE GHOSTS INTO DUST. All those doomed clones of characters hanging out in the dream bubble? They’re gone forever. I know of people who screamed out loud when they got to this part.



Then the dream bubble explodes, creating PHYSICAL CRACKS IN REALITY!!! This moment is simply stunning, I can’t get over it.

The cruxtruder’s lid is pure red, not flashing red and green.

What do we have here in Caliborn’s Sburb session? A black cruxtruder displaying ~U instead of a countdown, with a red and green flashing kernelsprite. This scene seems to indicate that dead sessions have way less than the bare minimum needed for a usual Sburb session. There’s also something really strange and ominous about a black cruxtruder.

On the topic of characters with sunglasses, Nervous Broad and Meat Roxy have the same energy.
 
No, meat Roxy does not wear heart-shaped sunglasses, stop pretending he does.

1/17/2020 EDIT: God damn it, why didn’t the Homestuck^2 authors listen to me???

Meanwhile on the trolls’ meteor, Dave watches the destruction from afar, the glass cracks reflected in his sunglasses. Why do cosmic-scale events always look so COOL reflected in those Stiller shades????? Both in Problem Sleuth and in Homestuck.

A zoom-in to Dave’s eyes transitions us to the musical climax of the flash, where Caliborn’s kernelsprite collapses into a black hole and starts sucking in everything around it, including all those shitty Statues of Liberty. The only way to properly react to this part is to sit there with your mouth wide open.

At the end of this climactic section, Caliborn goes through the usual Medium entry sequence with his home flashing all white, but with a twist: after the trolls’ meteor enters the game, the entirety of Earth enters as it’s sucked into the black hole. I can only say, that’s a hell of a twist if I’ve ever seen one.

Gorgeous image. There’s a reason I chose it as this post’s title picture.

And then comes the aftermath of this flash, with a sequence I really love. Remember the big and scary Jack Noir from the beta kids’ session, with first guardian powers and endless rage that made him an unstoppable killing machine??? Well, he and his Prospitian counterpart just watched the destruction and are both staring in shock. Neither look like they have any idea what just happened.

As a chilling reprise of the piano riff that ends [S] Descend and opens [S] Jade: Enter plays, the flash zooms out from Caliborn’s black hole to reveal the same shape vague haunting image Calliope showed us from her dreams not long ago. That’s a spectacularly high-stakes note to end Act 6 Act 3 on.

I love how Act 6’s first three sub-acts all end on similar images to their corresponding early acts. Act 1 and Act 6 Act 1 both end with a surprise explosion; Act 2 and Act 6 Act 2 end with scenery of Earth centuries in the future; and Act 3 and Act 6 Act 3 end with a newly-revealed celestial body.

END OF ACT 6 ACT 3

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT, I FINALLY DID IT. I FINISHED ACT 6 ACT 3 IN MY HOMESTUCK POST SERIES AND IT TOOK OVER TWO YEARS AND SEVEN MONTHS. FINALLY I AM DONE WITH THIS ACT AND CAN GO ON TO THE BEFORUS TROLLS! OH MY GOD. I DID IT. THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

I AM GOING TO RECAP ACT 6 ACT 3 NOW.

… to the best of my ability, because I was on that act for almost three years.

Act 6 Act 3 is easily the best of Act 6’s first three sub-acts. It goes lighter on romance drama and way heavier on cool plot stuff. Threads are tied, Dirk does awesome things, and Caliborn does stupid but oddly brilliant things. Caliborn in this act was absolutely fantastic; a joy to read and full of surprise twists on the way. This act also has lots of good silly scenes, like Jake’s dream bubble scenes with Brain Ghost Dirk and Aranea, or Jack Noir’s Jailbreak adventure. The scene where Dirk draws pictures of his friends holding hands for Caliborn is one of the biggest laugh riots in all of Homestuck.

What about the girl characters in this act? Jane, Roxy, and Calliope? They were alright I suppose. Didn’t get as much screen time as the boys though. Jane got some cool point-and-click minigames at the start, Calliope had some good exposition scenes and a surprisingly hilarious sequence where we explored her room, and Roxy didn’t do much but was fine too. I didn’t mean to split the characters between boys and girls like that; I just realized I wrote almost exclusively about male characters in the paragraph above.

Act 6 Act 3 didn’t have very many flash pages, but the ones it did have were spectacular. The Myststuck series of walkaround games is excellent and hits home the formula of making a good minigame; the next few flashes are silly joke ones (I have a massive soft spot for [S] DD: Ascend more casually). The only usual dramatic Homestuck flashes were right at the end: two focused on the alpha kids and one focused on Caliborn. And all three were glorious, on the same level as the best flashes throughout Act 5 Act 2.

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I can’t believe it took me so long to get through this act, almost as much as I can’t believe I’m finally done with it. Even after I got out of my nearly two-year hiatus, numerous circumstances kept interrupting me and then I got REALLY distracted when the Homestuck Epilogues came out. But what can I say, now that I’m done I’m done and I can hopefully pick up the pace now.

I should also mention that I’ve always felt the end of Act 6 Act 3 is a turning point in the comic’s enjoyability. After this point, the story starts to get more questionable: first the pre-scratch trolls appear, then the beta and alpha kids’ relationships REALLY fall apart, and then comes the controversial retcon and the excessively long Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 5 where so much is just not good. I suppose I’ll see for myself if it’s really as bad as I remember.

See you next time as we finally meet, uh, those characters.

>> Part 86: Oh God, It’s Those Characters

Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 4 Rewritten: Haunting Voices and Coolkid Mishaps

Introduction

Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 >

Act 2, Part 1 of 5

Pages 248-357 (MSPA: 2148-2257)

Link to old version

Keeping this post’s title the same as before. Couldn’t think of a better one.
Also, just warning you: this post is HUGE.

Before we begin Act 2, I’m going to talk about John, then talk about Rose. It’s a longstanding tradition for me to talk at length about characters when they are first introduced, but it’s a little difficult to do with the first two main characters this early on so I’ll talk about them now instead.

I love John Egbert. Have I ever said that? He is a protagonist done right and is the best character other than Caliborn. In many works of media, the protagonist is the main focus but the one people love the most is a wacky side character or someone else in the main group. But in this comic, none of the other three kids I think have quite the same charm as John. Almost every protagonist of the comic’s story arcs (John, Spades Slick, Karkat, Roxy, Meenah) has a distinct kind of charm to them. In Roxy’s case, she wasn’t the original protagonist of her group, but retroactively became the true protagonist because she was the one that turned out to have the most “protagonist charm”. I relate to John a lot; he is extremely honest and doesn’t believe in anything that’s too weird, confusing, or depressing, whether it be complex romance*, Rose’s interest in dark things, or impending inevitable doom. Naturally enough, John is airheaded a lot of the time, but maybe a bit less than you’d think. If you see him lying about something, usually he’s lying to himself, denying something he doesn’t want to be true.

* His later romantic dynamic with Roxy is not complex at all! Just a girl who is as pure-hearted and silly as he is. If Karkat’s explanation is anything to go by, same goes with Terezi blackways.

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Cookie Fonster Critiques Homestuck Part 2 Rewritten: The Fatherly Miniboss

Introduction

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 >

Act 1, Part 2 of 3

Pages 47-137 (MSPA: 1947-2037)

Link to old version

Most of the title pictures for these rewritten posts are probably going to be the same as the old versions. 
Most of the titles for these rewritten posts are probably not going to be the same as the old versions. 

NOTE: This is still not a restart of my Homestuck post series. I’m only rewriting my first 27 posts to better match them with my current quality standards. Post 83 is planned for late March!

Also, my first 27 posts now list the new homestuck.com page numbers as well as the old MSPA page numbers. Hope I’ll do the rest soon enough.

John leaves his room, and here’s our first impression of his father. A slightly crazy guy that likes comedians, pranks, and clowns. This is where I stop having the impression Hussie just came up with things right off the bat and expanded upon them later; I’m almost certain he always intended for these clowns to become a plot point. Either that, or he decided the harlequin doll was a fun idea to put in the sprite and it naturally progressed into something big from there. I can tell Hussie had too much fun writing the scene with Gamzee where it turned out everything tied together.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 50: The Sad, the Silly, and the Self-Indulgent

Introduction

Part 49 | Part 50 | Part 51 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 23 of 32

Pages 3636-3694 (MSPA: 5536-5594)

So I’m halfway to 100 posts now. As with my inactive large number website, I’m impressed with myself by how much bigger this project is turning out to be than I first envisioned.

NOTE: I have officially decided to split Act 5 Act 2 into 32 posts, arranged like so:

  • Two more posts before the Doc Scratch intermission
  • Six Doc Scratch intermission posts
    • Two posts before the scrapbook section
    • Three posts for the scrapbook section
    • One post after the scrapbook section
  • One post after Hussie snaps out of the intermission; this will include Cascade and Intermission 2.

Note the flashing Bec symbol in the alert bubble.

TT: Sorry for the delayed response. 
TT: Answering seems to be what to do right now. 
GG: rose jeez!!! 
GG: finally 
GG: you sure seem to be absorbed in whatever youre doing on that computer… 
GG: were you talking to someone? 
TT: Oh, right. I forgot I gave you the code for the crystal ball. 
TT: And here I was thinking I could safely delay responding to messages without seeming like an ass, the way it usually works.
TT: Oops. 

Rose remarks that it’s kind of rude of her not to answer her friends’ messages. It’s weird, how throughout what I’ve covered last post, Rose realizes what she’s doing is bad but does it anyway.

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