Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 108: Blindness Reinstigation Station

Introduction

< Part 107 | Part 108 | Part 109 >

Pages 6397-6446

Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 1, Part 4 of 5

This post’s title picture was originally going to be Terezi putting on her newly alchemized blindfold, but I feel a strange sense of obligation to use this one instead, much like I did in the posts featuring the Equius/Aradia and imagined Jade/Jadesprite kissing scenes.

Picking up from where we left off, it’s time for the middle part of the glitched selection screen, which is now the only open option. I find it amusing that the story’s glitches in this case make it more linear rather than less, as the page’s narration points out.

KANAYA: Why Would You Do That!
KANAYA: I Do Not Understand Why You Needed To Impale My Friend To Demonstrate Your Resurrection Abilities!
KANAYA: I Believed You!
KANAYA: It Was Pointless And Cruel And Does Not Advance My Willingness To Cooperate With You At All!
KANAYA: Furthermore It Did Not Prove That You Can Use Said Abilities To Harm Me!
KANAYA: I Believe That Assertion Was Based On A Fallacious Theory About My Constitution!
KANAYA: In Actuality One Could Easily Kill Me With Any Number Of Conventional Methods!
KANAYA: Im Sure You Could Chop My Head Off Or Burn Me Alive Or Crush Me To Death And I Would Die Just Fine!

Kanaya’s rant at Jane for killing Karkat as a demonstration features an amusing expansion upon her standard typing quirk: just as each word starts with exactly one capital letter, each sentence ends with exactly one exclamation point.

KARKAT: (whoa, kanaya)
KARKAT: (could you maybe not give the psycho fork girl any more ideas???)
KANAYA: I Am Not Scared Of You!
KANAYA: None Of Us Are!
KARKAT: (i kind of am)
KANAYA: Karkat Shut Up!
KANAYA: If This Treacherous Despot Serving Turncoat Seeks Compliance From Me Then She Will Have To Pry It From My Mutilated Lifeless Cadaver!
KARKAT: (oh no oh god oh no oh god)

Karkat interjects a few times with his immediately recognizable flavor of utter panic, just like how he was in Murderstuck when his friends started killing each other. His fear of Jane is more extreme than even his reaction to Gamzee when he turned evil, probably because he had thought for sure he was done with watching his friends die horribly.

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 102: The Great Metafictional Nostalgia Trip

Introduction

< Part 101 | Part 102 | Part 103 >

Pages 6055-6110

Act 6 Intermission 5, Part 4 of 5 (probably not 6)

I’ll only split Act 6 Intermission 5 into six parts if I feel I absolutely have to, like if the next post becomes insanely huge. Really don’t want to ruin my Pitbull pun from my last post.

This is my first Homestuck post of 2020!!! As I’ve said on Twitter, I intend on releasing posts regularly (on my usual once to twice a week basis) throughout at least the first half of the year, and boy am I excited to get back in the swing of things. I’ve estimated that I’ll reach Caliborn’s Masterpiece (a significant landmark point) in May or June, which means I’ll be able to make lots of progress on my Homestuck posts this year. And if I get bored of those, maybe I’ll even resume my rewritten post series.

KANAYA: …
KANAYA: …
KANAYA: …
KANAYA: …
KANAYA: …

Picking up from where we left off, we’re about to see what everyone’s favorite lesbian couple is up to in the meteor.

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Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 94: Wizardfic Nostalgification Station

Introduction / Schedule

Part 93 | Part 94 | Part 95 >


Act 6 Act 5, Part 2 of 6

Pages 5572-5634 (MSPA: 7472-7534)

“Nostalgification” is totally a real word, I swear.


Years in the future…
Minus several.


After a bunch of pages that were mostly romance drama and hints at the Condesce’s machinations, it’s time for a fun throwback. The image shown above depicts Roxy’s carapacian neighborhood on a rainy evening, just like how Rose’s house was in the early acts. This whole scene is going to be a lot of fun, I can tell.


I forgot how cute Roxy looks in her starting outfit, my god. Full disclosure: for me, a fictional girl’s cuteness is mainly determined by whether or not she wears tights.


It’s time to read Wizardy Herbert! You might already know that Wizardy Herbert is the name of one of Hussie’s pre-MSPA works. It’s an unfinished Harry Potter parody story with wild metafictional elements and overall insane nonsense. It is my understanding that Hussie in real life never cared much for wizards and decided when writing both Wizardy Herbert and Homestuck to crudely parody the fondness people have for them.

I don’t care much for wizards personally.

But this story? An absolute laugh riot that somehow doesn’t have a fanmade full version.


Oh boy, guys. I’m going to take you for a wild ride and dissect the HELL out of this story. I hope you’re ready for heaps of comparisons with the fanmade full version of Detective Pony, which I treat as canon in this post series.

“i think you were supposed to just tackle him,” beatrix said looking all kinds of put off. 

“all kinds of put off” is such a Roxy thing to say. The first sentence of this page already sets the stage for her absurd story perfectly.

wizardy herbert reached down to the body of the fictional camper he just shot and picked up the flag. “same difference.” 

“IS it?” 

“this is some lame magical version of capture the flag. the book wanted me to capture the flag from him. the flag has now been captured. anyway, hes just a kind of brainless puppet.” 

“then what are we?” she asked. 

“i dunno. brainless puppets whove spent a few years in the real world. kind of like everyone else, i suppose.” 


When you’re talking about metafiction, the “real world” can mean a lot of things. I can’t quite tell what that phrase refers to here; I assume Roxy’s story established that phrase’s meaning at some point before this page. Unlike with Detective Pony where we only saw the first few pages and got a rough description of the rest, we’re treated right away to the portion of Wizardy Herbert where the story has fallen apart and the title character is debating with his female companion about the nature of their story.

“jeez thats cynical. anyway, youre the one who said we should let the story play out the way its supposed to. im just pointing out your own rules.” 

I love how Beatrix’s reaction to Herbert’s metafictional nihilism is nothing more than “jeez thats cynical”. This is another bit that helps establish the story as a playful but earnest exploration of the nature of metafiction.

“ehhh.” herbert made a dismissive gesture with his smoking gun. “these punks were starting to get on my nerves. we’re making progress anyway. see? listen to that. russets scene is coming up. if i remember right this is the one that introduces his recurring love interest. also i guess the chief bad guy. i mean, sorta.” 

At this point, both Herbert and Beatrix are playing common roles in meta stories: Herbert as the extremely meta-aware hero/villain, and Beatrix as his loyal but oft-questioning assistant. Dirk invokes these roles both in Detective Pony and in the Meat Epilogue; the former role always with himself, and the latter role variously with Minos, Jeanne Betancourt, and Rose. In the Meat Epilogue, he takes advantage of the traits Rose has in common with him as well as her declining health so that she can play the role of the meta assistant and then get a fresh new robot body. Now that I think of it, it’s rather heteronormative of Dave at the end to think Rose and Dirk might be dating just because of these tropes. Normally he’s as woke as can be about LGBT topics; maybe he thinks Dirk’s mindset has changed simply because he’s so far up his own ass with self-importance.

/end tangent

This page of the story continues with double narration between Roxy’s usual writing and nonsensical SBaHJ-style Comic Sans writing. It’s clear that Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff cracks Roxy up just as much as the beta kids, which is very cute. The characters written SBaHJ-style are even more fake and confusing than the “normal” ones. I have no idea what’s going on now, other than that one of the Comic Sans characters is described as a handsome young man with black hair and glasses, which will soon lead to an allegorical exploration of John and Roxy’s relationship—perhaps a forewarning of what may become of it.

“why beatrix” he said with a super sly smile. “if i didnt know better, id say you were taking some enjoyment from watchin your dear pal russets smackdown.” 

“what? no!” she didnt let go of his arm. but he wouldnt quit his douchey smile. she went on. “you cant just keep offing fictional characters. its… i dunno. irresponsible.” 

“yeah yeah.” 

“besides you know the scene is supposed to play out like this. russet is supposed to get rescued. how is he supposed to get rescued if the bullies are dead? you cant just go around changing things.” 

“i guess youre right.” 

herbert holstered his gun admiring a few more choice sucker punches to russets midriff. OOF. that onell leave a mark. beatrix regained her calm. “so whos this guy thats supposed to save him?” she asked. “you say hes the villain?” 

“here he comes now.” 


Herbert’s shameless defiance against the story’s supposed rules reminds me of Caliborn, which makes sense because he and Dirk are alike in some ways, and because B2 Rose’s stories are also filled with cherub allusions.

Not understanding how sports work is something Roxy and Dave have in common.

Roxy skips ahead a few pages and now Herbert and Beatrix are dressed up to play some SPORTS. The Harry Potter satire is painfully obvious here—Quidditch is a staple of the series, even I know that—as is the fact that Hussie doesn’t like Harry Potter very much. As with Cronus’s backstory, elements everyone knows are incorporated and blatantly made fun of but none of the deeper plot seems to be referenced. I know this because if the plot of Harry Potter was deeply woven within Homestuck, then TV Tropes would be littered with comparisons between the two.

“russet! answer me!” beatrix demanded. “why the heck didnt you tell us? or tell grant for that matter?” 

herbert wasnt paying much attention. so russet was moody and cryptic and didnt tell people some stuff. what a bombshell. he worried at one of the springs poking out of his ridonkulous ball. it made a sproinging sound like a mouth harp and broke off. he wondered if the springs served any actual purpose. the springs did not serve any actual purpose. 

“how could you keep something like that from everyone? that you knew all along?” 

“i just wanted what was best for grant” he finally said. 

she had tons of questions but couldnt settle on the next one to ask. she wasnt about to let good body language go to waste so she did kinda what mimes do when they dont like something you said. how long did he know grant was from this dogshit wizardfic? howd he escape in the first place? was it really his spell that sealed them here? how long had he been planning this? she guessed that would explain why he had an absurdly obvious pseudonym. grant anonama? yeah like THATS a real name. great job bro, or should she say SLINUS. she wondered if his bogus name wasnt an anagram for something. like a clue dangled under their noses. magic bad guys do love their anagrams. they are just so damn clever and when you finally figure them out its like whoa INSTANT MINDFUCK. 


Roxy’s writing continues to be a mix of Rose and Dave, in all the opposite ways from how Dirk’s writing is. Her use of serial rhetorical questions reminds me of Rose just as much as her sarcastic commentary on narrative tropes reminds me of Dave. I’ve said before that it’s kind of funny Roxy and Dirk seem to inherit traits from both their respective ancestors when it’s technically the other way around.

Skipping a bit…

it was time to go. the narratives invisible conductor let them know with the arrival of a carriage. it was drawn by two floating, perfectly immobile wooden horses. herbert read this thing a hundred times but still couldnt understand the authors fascination with flying rigid wooden horses. 

This passage is obviously a self-deprecating jab at how much Hussie loves joking about horses, but its in-universe purpose is a bit less clear. I wonder if Roxy incorporated horses in her story to obliquely vent about her hopeless crush on Dirk? She knows very well that Dirk is a fan of horses and might even be playfully referencing Detective Pony.


Roxy skips to the end of what she has so far and oh my god, what is this. Herbert and Beatrix are freaking out and flailing their arms, but the horses’ facial expressions are blank as ever. It’s clear from this image that Roxy doesn’t have Dirk’s deep, resounding appreciation for horses. If Dirk drew this panel, the horses would be the ones freaking out.

“herbert watch where youre going!” 

“i cant. i think the book wants us to crash.” 

beatrix thought about it. she almost kicked the sides of her inert stallion to prod it along but caught herself. “do we really have to?” 


Here’s where we see Herbert suddenly had a change of mind regarding narrative rules. At first he brutally disobeyed what was meant to happen, but now to Beatrix’s surprise he’s following the rules.


herbert shrugged. another solid half minute of awkward horse advancement went by before the creaking oaken collision. herbert tumbled through the air and hit the grass pitch hard on his back. beatrix landed on top him. they founfd each other face to face. 

“is she serious with this?” she asked regarding the hella subtle way the author decided to craft this situration*. situation. is was like, popetry in motion. plus hornses(???) 

“im afaid* so. i think the story is builting romantic tension between us.” 

“it IS?” it was not a question. but a statement of major concorn. *cern 

“yeah. it it establushing* the groundwork for romance beween our characaters. its sort of the one token heroterosexual** romance in the book. we probably jush have to ride it out” 


Read this passage and tell me, TELL ME, it isn’t an accurate retelling of how John and Roxy’s relationship plays in the Candy Epilogue. Their relationship is a perfect example of a “token heterosexual romance”, so it’s only natural that it’s deconstructed to hell and back once they get back together. John is disconcerted by how easily their relationship happens but goes along with it because he thinks that’s how love is supposed to feel; Roxy is overcompensating for her grief over ruined friendships and Dirk’s death, which further hurts their relationship.

beautrix dinit* dint kno whaf*T the felling of collor red wash…. but 

she cloun*cloud*COULD swear the fleling 

she could swar 

the felling 

*FEEEEling 

ws crepping 

ontoo. herrrrrf. 

face. 

(RAAARARRAAUUUAAAAUUAGHGHGGHGGGGHHGH DOINT WRITE WHILT DRONK U LUSHEY DUMBO)


Roxy’s writing becomes more and more drunk as Herbert and Beatrix are about to have their romantic climax, which is again much like how romantic relationships in Homestuck work. Though this page of the story is mostly an allegory for John and Roxy’s relationship, this last passage most closely matches Rose and Kanaya, Homestuck’s token lesbian romance. As I’ve said in a few recent posts, these two ships have a lot of parallels that come to full light in the Candy Epilogue.


Well this sure was fun. I’m glad I got to the Wizardy Herbert section now instead of earlier, because in recent months I’ve written some metafictional stories inspired by Detective Pony and the Homestuck Epilogues that I haven’t shared with the public because they’re incredibly stupid. I can confirm that metafiction is both incredibly fun to write and incredibly easy to get carried away with. I’ll also say that although I have inserted myself into my metafictional stories, it’s always a different character who has the most meta knowledge—not because it would be too self-indulgent for my self-insert to know all the meta stuff, but because I think it’s way funnier if another character does.


Your home suddenly loses power due to the storm. Which… makes no sense? All devices in your house are powered by the portable green hubs you stole from the lab. That’s weird. 

Your laptop continues to run on battery power regardless.

This is a crazy cool throwback. It’s sure to remind readers of Rose’s story in the early acts, where a storm was causing her house to lose power and impeding her progress on starting Sburb. I must say, it’s incredibly refreshing to have a throwback arc after a bunch of annoying romance drama.


Roxy answers UU and it doesn’t take long for the conversation to diverge from whatever it was originally going to be. She realizes she isn’t drunk and that she somehow knows Calliope’s name.

Calliope says nothing but ellipses as Roxy observes the Furthest Ring’s damage. Roxy is given lots of commands in this dialogue sequence, but her responses to those commands are generally in dialogue instead of narration. Roxy’s monologuing is a substitute for second-person narration, which is done several other times in mid-to-late Act 6 like when Dave examines his old bedroom and breaks into tears about his old ironic nonsense, or during John’s entire retcon mission. I wish the Act 6 Act 6 intermissions had some amount of commanding characters like this instead of just constant [A6A6Ix] ====>; it would have livened things up quite a bit. I’m glad full-out second-person narration was brought back at the start of the epilogues.

Callback to a panel where Rose holds a crystal ball.


When Roxy finds Twinkly Herbert, Calliope starts talking in Morse code through… Herbert’s soul or consciousness or something? I’m not going to bother trying to explain this odd bit, but I will say I like how every dream bubble scene in Homestuck brings something new to the table of bizarre dream logic.


Calliope through Twinkly Herbert explains to Roxy that they both need to keep a low profile because Lord English is wreaking havoc upon the Furthest Ring in search for his dead sister.


TG: (the fuck?) 
TG: (what happened to my house) 
TG: (some stuff is different) 
TG: (i dont remember this) 
TG: (callie do you know whats going on) 
UU: -. — [no.]
UU: -… ..- – / .-.. . – .—-. … / -.- . . .–. / –. — .. -. –. [bUt let’s keep going.]
TG: (and what am i even wearing) 
TG: (what are these clothes?) 
UU: .. – / .- .–. .–. . .- .-. … / – — / -… . / – …. . / — ..- – ..-. .. – / — ..-. / .- / ..-. .- … …. .. — -. .- -… .-.. . / … -.-. .. . -. -.-. . / .– — — .- -. ? [it appears to be the oUtfit of a fashionable science woman?]
TG: (oh yeah) 
TG: (like a sexy science lady suit) 
TG: (thats p cool i guess) 


Here’s where things start to get fun. Roxy is now exploring Rose’s old house, which is even darker than it was when Rose explored it in the early acts. She’s dressed as her pre-scratch self which adds to the nostalgia and makes it feel like we’re exploring Rose’s house from her mother’s perspective. This is a rare occasion when characters in dream bubbles get to play the roles of their alternate selves, which hasn’t been explored much elsewhere aside from a few scenes with Aradia. I’ve accepted by this point that dream bubbles work in whichever way is most convenient for the scene.

It’s obvious through any scene involving the Lalondes that Hussie himself hates wizards.


Next comes a funny moment where Roxy examines one of her pre-scratch self’s wizard paintings and cracks up.

TG: (heck yes) 
TG: (hes so perf) 
TG: (callie check him out) 
UU: ..- — [Um.]
TG: (that aint even a painting) 
TG: (ahaha its so shitty) 
TG: (did someone like) 
TG: (grab a random ass low res wallpaper off the internet) 
TG: (of a jolly wizard doing what appears 2 be the worlds dumbest spell) 
TG: (and saved at low quality then just like) 
TG: (printed it way too huge) 
TG: (lmao) 
UU: —… ..- [:U]
TG: (its not even scaled proportionately) 
TG: (its stretched extra wide to fit this expensive as fuck frame) 
TG: (is that shit like) 
TG: (literal solid gold) 
TG: (ahahahahah i cant even deal) 
TG: (whoever did this was a wonderful genius) 


I like the implication that Rose’s mother wasn’t just a lunatic who freely collected all things wizard-related, but perhaps had a sense of humor about it all and took delight in the absurdity of old-timey wizard paintings.


Even though she’s mostly seen here cracking jokes about these wizards, it’s clear that Roxy truly thinks wizards are cool and badass.

This is such a great spooky panel.


Roxy sneaks by the corridor and here’s a fun callback. She catches a glimpse of the Condesce, just like Rose caught a glimpse of her mother so long ago. Calliope clarifies that the Condesce is only there through subconscious memories, which tells readers that this scene is there just for spooky flair.


Roxy makes her way to the observatory… or is it? The observatory symbol from Rose’s house is replaced with the cherub spiral, which signifies that things are going to be a bit different.

Note the candy flowers below the door. Are there meat flowers on the other side?


And HERE’S where things get extra fun. The memories transition to Calliope’s art style, which is another thing that’s never been done before. Calliope’s dream bubble scenes in her art style are a lot of fun and there’s going to be a few more in later acts.

There are totally meat flowers on the other side. It makes thematic sense and I feel like a genius for figuring it out.


Roxy exits the door and starts walking down a white spiral which is fun. This scene has lots of great art, especially that last panel above.


Calliope’s ghost’s visual appearance is a surprisingly spooky image which I think is a callback to at least five other panels.


The moment Roxy turns around, Calliope changes into her trollsona outfit. I think I now understand the point of that whole arc with Calliope’s appearance insecurities and Roxy’s sugary encouragement: it’s a counterpoint to John/Roxy, the token heterosexual romance as we all know. You could argue John and Terezi’s relationship is also a counterpoint to the token heterosexual romance, but that’s different because it’s an objectively better ship.


I’m going to be honest here. The art is by FAR the coolest thing about this sequence so far. It’s way more stunning than it has any reason to be, because all that’s happened so far is Calliope expositing about stuff we mostly already knew about Lord English and Roxy’s role as a void player. I’ll go through this exposition anyway because I’m kind of obsessed with Caliborn.

UU: on the day he foUnd a way to kill my dream self, i was done for. thoUgh to be honest, i doUbt i’d have fared mUch better regardless. 
UU: i think his half was always meant to predominate. 
UU: my will was simply not strong enoUgh to overcome his. yoU know as well as i how stUbborn he is. i don’t think he has ever had even a smidgen of doUbt in his thoUghts, or remorse for his deeds. whereas i was always plagUed by sUch feelings. 


Calliope’s talk about Caliborn reminds me of his story as an artist. We saw in his conversation with Jane that his stubbornness works in his favor when it comes to art; he starts the story incapable of producing art that is even remotely coherent, but doesn’t let doubt or remorse get in the way of becoming the best artist he can possibly be. Caliborn’s tale as an artist is so inspirational I don’t even care that he wrought eternal havoc upon paradox space. 

UU: on some level i always knew he woUld win. bUt i fooled myself. i thoUght i coUld overcome his ego by looking beyond his negative qUalities, staying optimistic, and working together with him in a game to accomplish something extraordinary. 
UU: and that in doing so, perhaps i coUld begin to help him change. to teach him to evolve beyond his hatefUl natUre. and as he changed for the better, slowly but sUrely, he woUld become more like myself. 
UU: that was how i thoUght i coUld predominate. it was how i was going to win! and really, if he grew closer to me in that way, by learning kindness and compassion, we both woUld have won. my predomination woUld not have meant his absolUte death, but oUr trUe Union. 


What Calliope is saying here is that the reason her brother predominated is because she succumbed to the human emotion of “friendship”. This makes a lot of sense if you think about the timeline where Calliope predominated. The way god tier Calliope talks about her brother in the Meat Epilogue suggests she was just as good at catching his weak spots as god tier Caliborn was at catching his sister’s weak spots.

UU: bUt sadly, i Underestimated how consUmed he was with the need to destroy me. 
UU: now he is completely obsessed with finding my soUl and wiping me oUt for good, even if it means tearing apart the reality that sUrroUnds Us. 
UU: he will never feel he has won Until all traces of me are gone. 
TG: uuuugh 
TG: hearing all that just makes me so unreasonably mad 
TG: FUCK that shitlord 


Hearing all that makes me unreasonably sad. I think Caliborn’s brain became kind of broken when he ascended to his final form and now he’s nothing more than a demon who’s out destroying everything in search for his sister.

UU: i have reason to sUspect there may be another iteration of myself oUt here. 
UU: one from a doomed timeline, who has kept hidden for a long time, jUst like i have. 
UU: bUt Unlike me, she sUpposedly came from a reality where she predominated instead of my brother. 
UU: and not by the means which i described. hers was not a mild Union of reconciliation. 
UU: amazingly, her predomination was absolUte! a major feat of will, jUst as his was with me. 
UU: as sUch, she went on to play the game, and… 
UU: well, i cannot even imagine what followed, aside from the fact that she eventUally mUst have died for existing in an offshoot reality. 
UU: if she exists, i woUld be eager to meet her. it woUld be a chance to get to know a version of myself who was strong enoUgh to override the will of my brother. 
UU: someone i might have become if i had a little more coUrage. u_u 
UU: and if she is sUch a person, then i really believe all i have heard mUst be trUe. i believe she is the key to defeating him. 
UU: so i have no choice. 
UU: i mUst go in search of myself. 


Calliope clarifies a mystery about the lost cherub plan: the cherub who can be used to defeat Lord English is an alternate ghost of herself who predominated over Caliborn. I didn’t realize alt Calliope was introduced this early; I thought it wasn’t until A6A6I4 when she was first brought up. I assume Calliope knows about her alternate self simply through her usual method of theorizing, which is good here because it turns the boring lost cherub mission into an enticing mystery arc.

Oh hell yes. I’m LOVING this outer spacey art.


TG: you sound like a real popular lady out here 
TG: even you are looking for you! 


Roxy and Calliope’s interactions have occasional good moments like this—emphasis on “occasional”. I’m starting to think it was the author’s intent to make them deliberately too sugary, as a counterpoint to the token heterosexual romance I talked about earlier.

UU: indeed. 
TG: well i hope you can find her 
TG: but 
TG: if thats your job 
TG: to find bizarro calliope and go wollop ur bro 
TG: then what is our heroic biz? 
UU: it’s the same as it always was. 
UU: to win the game. 
TG: oh yeah 
TG: duh 
UU: it is as i once told jane. 
UU: with victory yoU may finally exit this vast whirling storm.
UU: by claiming yoUr reward yoU woUld bring closUre to a very wide coil of caUsality, one not tracing a continUoUs path like a snake, bUt intricately woven like a wreath. 
UU: a ring of coUntless little rises and falls, ascents and descents, on its way Up and down a pair of mUch bigger ones itself. 
UU: from alpha to beta, then beta to alpha, as if a moUntain to be scaled and then climbed back down. its peak toUches the eye of a storm which cannot end Until the moment yoU all walk throUgh that door. 
UU: only then will there be calm. 
TG: ._. 
UU: ah, bUgger. forgive me, sometimes i forget myself and begin speaking in riddles. 
UU: it’s jUst a habit that is in the natUre of my people. 
TG: yeah i know 
TG: at least yours r better than your bros stupid games 
UU: don’t remind me. in my opinion they do not qUalify as anything of the sort, mUch the same as his “shitty twists”. >:u


Speaking in poetry definitely runs in the cherub family. Calliope, Caliborn, and the other Calliope all have a fixation on poetically retelling the events of Act 7, which is the grand culmination of all their artistic ambitions.

UU: as the one who provoked the breach in paradox space which i jUst coloUrfUlly described, he has always exerted his inflUence on yoUr realities from afar, and from many different angles. throUgh Unwitting sUrrogates, oUtsoUrced manipUlation, oUtright enslavement, and even petty harassment. bUt most of all, he prevails throUgh the simple inertia of inevitability that has always been on his side, as a lord of time. 
UU: and as the one who is to blame for foolishly allowing him access to sUch power, it’s only proper that i take responsibility for finding a way to defeat him. 
UU: bUt even thoUgh his methods of inflUencing yoUr session are indirect, they are still formidable. 
UU: there will be a nUmber of powerfUl foes who stand between yoU and victory. 
UU: tomorrow, a terrific battle will take place. 
UU: when yoU wake Up, i sUggest yoU begin to prepare. 


Why is it so surprising to me that ending Homestuck with Collide and Act 7 seems to have been planned this early? The battle against all the villains directly or indirectly affiliated with Lord English is indeed what stands between the kids and victory, and once the retcon is executed it all sort of… happens without a hitch??? Homestuck proper’s ending is a farce beyond farces and now that the epilogues are out I can’t help but love that.

TG: ummmm ok 
TG: how 
TG: like make more sick gear 
TG: i could hustle up another batch of illwicked guns 
TG: just a big ol pile of guns 
TG: jake can have the wimpy smaller ones 
TG: make jane like a fancy new fork or spoon or such 
TG: like an elite endgame spoon 
TG: whatever that is 
TG: like uh 
TG: the chowderfucker 5000 
TG: janey be flippin her godspoon round bopping monsters doing like 
TG: CUCKOO damage 
TG: wont bother make nothin 4 dirk since hes basically married to his boring anime sword 
TG: like u could even pry that thing from his rad dead cadaver 


Roxy knows a surprising amount about the alpha kids’ natures, as any good leader would. She’s completely right that while the other kids all get fancier weapons as their game progresses, Dirk is eternally inseparable from the same old anime sword.

UU: yes, i’m sUre new eqUipment woUld come in handy. 
UU: now that yoU mention it, well before i died or even realized i woUld not live to play, i made special exception to my rUle of staying linear with conversation. i messaged jane a birthday gift. 
UU: yoU see, i had a brief vision from skaia which sUggested to me she coUld Use a boost in morale on this special day, so i offered her something very dear to me. jUst a little token to show appreciation for her friendship. 
UU: i hope it will cheer her Up, and moreover that it will prove at least somewhat UsefUl to yoUr party. 
UU: bUt really, at this stage if yoU wish to prevail against sUch stacked odds, collecting boons sUch as new weapons and treasUres will only go so far. 
UU: i think yoU will need to embrace a far more sUbstantive gambit. 


Imagine me making queasy disgruntled noises with my mouth. That’s how I feel about this passage right now. I am sort of freaking out imagining a huge mess of pink and green emerging from my computer screen, accompanied by cupcake Jane’s enormous smile and beige skin.

TG: like what 
TG: omg are we gonna have to enlist fefeta 
TG: is fefeta the secret weapon 
TG: its fefeta isnt it 
TG: poor, sweet, dear, precious fefeta 😦 


You’re so close, Roxy! YOU’RE SO CLOSE!!!!! I wonder if Hussie at this point had already planned to connect Nepeta and Lord English just like fans joked about so long ago. Maybe that was one of those things he figured out naturally as the comic progressed and that’s how Davepetasprite^2 came to be?

UU: it is not fefeta!!! 
UU: i am sUggesting a measUre that is mUch more extreme. 
UU: i believe yoU shoUld all strongly consider ascending to the god tiers. 
TG: oh 
TG: ok that sounds cool what do we do 
UU: well of coUrse it soUnds cool! bUt it’s not necessarily as easy as it soUnds, steeling oneself for death. believe me. 
UU: bUt if yoU can find the resolve, then here is what yoU mUst do. 
UU: since none of yoU have any dream selves left, it won’t do any good to sacrifice yoUrselves on the qUest beds foUnd on yoUr respective planets. 
UU: and even if yoU did, there is not even a battlefield from which to rise anew. no, yoUr void session had only one path to ascension all along. 
UU: yoU mUst travel to the centre of the moons of prospit and derse, and there in the crypt yoU will find yoUr sacrificial slabs. yoU mUst lie on them, and then… 
UU: then yoU all mUst die. one way or another. u_u 


This bit is pretty cool because it finally gives an official name to the alternative to quest beds that allowed Aradia, Rose, and Dave to reach god tier. I feel that a proper exposition on sacrificial slabs was long overdue; Aradia’s ascension to god tier is especially confusing to first-time readers. Calliope is the perfect character to talk about this topic, and now is a good time for her to do so.


Calliope goes on to foreshadow and hint at more plot stuff I don’t have much to say about. She talks more about Lord English and the Condesce and implies through mention of multiple villains that there’s another unmentioned villain under English’s command; readers are likely to think of the alpha kids’ Jack Noir, who we saw some suspicious images of not long ago.


After a few more moments where Roxy and Calliope talk about how much they trust each other, Calliope suddenly freaks out about something.


UU: WHAT IS *SHE* DOING HERE??? 

After Calliope fed readers a whole bunch of juicy meat, it’s time for Rose’s appearance to dangle some delicious candy just too far away from readers to reach.


ROSE: Mom? ROXY: mom? 

This moment, holy shit. It’s so sweet and must be surreal for both Lalondes.

Just look at Rose and Roxy’s smiles. Cuteness that transcends words.


CALLIOPE: NO NO NO NO NO! THIS WON’T DO AT ALL! 
CALLIOPE: A LIGHT PLAYER? A LIGHT PLAYER??? 
CALLIOPE: HAVE YOU GONE MENTAL? WHY DON’T WE JUST BURN A BLOODY BONFIRE IN HERE! 
CALLIOPE: HE’LL SPOT US ANY MINUTE! ASSUMING HE ISN’T ALREADY ON HIS WAY TO BLOW US ALL TO KINGDOM COME!!! 


But not so much for Calliope, who FREAKS THE FUCK OUT at the sight of a light player. If you take a moment to think about who else is a light player, you’ll probably either fear the worst for Vriska and company who are also looking for Lord English, or look at Calliope funny for being so concerned with players’ classpects.


Poor Roxy and Rose. This is the second time a reunion between them is cut short, and it won’t be the last (or the saddest).

Alternian text: YOURE WELCOME


Roxy wakes up in her jail cell and notices a folder from the Condesce. It’s one of many times in this act where the witch is portrayed in a more humorous light. Just look at the fuchsia lip markings, GIFs of her deceased clown presidents dancing, flashing boondollars, and decoration with sea creatures.

Roxy is the best at “done with your shit” faces.

The folder has instructions for Roxy to do something “stupid and impossible”, so she throws it aside. As she talked about with Calliope in a part I skipped over in this post, she doesn’t want to use her void powers when it’s to serve a genocidal alien queen. This little stretch of pages establishes that Roxy despises the Condesce the most of the alpha kids, which suggests that at this point Hussie had already planned for her to be the one to kill the empress.


Roxy then gets some gifts from the Droll: Dad Crocker’s PDA and a magic ring. She’s confused by all these, and readers probably will be as well.


The Droll is dressed like his Midnight Crew counterpart too, except he’s more free to demonstrate his love for ridiculous hats. I can only imagine him begging his superiors to let him wear a ridiculous hat; after some negotiating, the Dignitary probably let this one slide.

Yet another perfect crime successfully perpetrated. And by crime, you guess you mean order from a superior. In your experience, the best crimes are the ones which are totally legal. 

You are so satisfied with your accomplishment, you cannot contain your exuberance for another second. You have no choice. You absolutely must do the happy umbrella dance, professional protocol be damned. 

Oh shoot. It seems you have misplaced your BULL PENIS UMBRELLA. There will be no dancing today. Now you’re sad.

The callback to Clubs Deuce’s bull penis cane is much funnier if you know the story behind it. As Homestuck Book 2’s commentary states, Deuce in the Midnight Crew intermission used a cane for one purpose or another, then Hussie realized that the picture he found was a bull penis cane, so he made a panel where Clubs Deuce realizes the same and freaks out. It’s clear that Hussie found that incident just as funny a few years later and took the opportunity to call back to it in a line that makes spectacularly little sense out of context.

I’m stopping here, right before Roxy pesters Dirk. This post was a lot of fun to write! See you next time as Dirk, Dirk, and Dirk have an existential confrontation that ends up bringing one of the funniest characters in Homestuck into existence.

>> Part 95: The Bodybuilder’s Triumphant Return

Cookie Fonster Dissects Homestuck Part 92: Quirk Resignation and Clown Vomit

Introduction / Schedule

Part 91 | Part 92 | Part 93 >


Act 6 Act 4 + Act 6 Intermission 4

Pages 5438-5511 (MSPA: 7338-7411)

The whole Caliborn/Hussie arc is a lot more metafictional than I remembered.


I always forget how good of a song Even in Death is, holy shit.


Time to begin Act 6 Act 4 of Homestuck! Unlike Act 6’s prior sub-acts, this one consists of a single flash. I think most people agree that it’s a good change of page for the alpha kids’ Medium exploration to be condensed into one flash, rather than another few hundred pages of dilly-dallying and romance drama. As with the trolls’ arc, we don’t really need to see the alpha kids’ usual game progression (or in this case, lack thereof) all over again. A montage showing us a few scenes of the alpha kids exploring their planets and their Jack Noir counting his days in jail is all that is needed.

Viewed from a different perspective, this planet probably looks like the Xbox logo.
The bluish canyon in this image is a small part of the big purple X.


Three new planets are introduced in this flash. First off is Jake’s planet, the Land of Mounds and Xenon. Better known as the Land of Hills and Stone Henges, or the Land of Stonehenges and a Big Purple X. The big X is an odd addition but it looks pretty cool, forming a pair of 360-degree canyons that intersect twice. Maybe the X is useful for planet navigation or something, who knows.


Jake’s planet is dark and desolate much like Jane’s, but not as lifeless. It has lots of mossy vegetation and civilization remnants based on real-world structures, most notably a bunch of red replications of the Stonehenge which matches with his last name. On a related note, you might already know that the planet acronym LOMAX is the same as the title character’s surname from Weekend at Bernie’s, one of Jake’s favorite movies. Fitting because Bernie Lomax is a corpse through most of the movie and the alpha kids’ planets are themed upon dead things.


Taking a closer look inside the planet, we find that the alpha kids’ session has skeletal underlings rather than your usual enemies. The enemies don’t look very easy to kill and get grist from, which doesn’t help the alpha session’s matters one bit. The dead aesthetic is pretty cool though.


The alpha kids did get enough grist, presumably through Jane’s Grist Gutter or whatever it’s called, to alchemize some cool clothes and weapons. Jake is carrying a pair of golden guns while wearing a sexy adventurer outfit, plus a Sweet Bro tattoo to match Dirk’s Hella Jeff tattoo. Probably the most humorous way possible to demonstrate that they are together now.


Meanwhile on Prospit, the alpha kids’ Jack Noir is tallying his days in prison. Do you know how CRAZY it is for there to be a Sburb session whose Jack Noir doesn’t do anything? Not even managing Derse paperwork under the queen’s command, there’s a different agent handling that.

The lights on these pyramids are colored like Jane and Roxy’s text. I should keep an eye out for more light colorings like this!


Roxy’s planet, the Land of Pyramids and Neon, is a fun one. A desolate pyramid world on the surface, but with gorgeous neon light radiating from the pyramids and throughout the sky. On the outside it looks almost as lively as some of the beta kids’ and trolls’ planets, which makes sense because Roxy’s always been the fan favorite alpha kid.

I like how Jane is casually walking around wearing a fake mustache now.


We see Roxy and Jane exploring LOPAN together and their fashion choices are interesting to me. Roxy’s wearing a skimpy purple dress plus some tight black covers on her arms and legs, while Jane has opted for an arguably more masculine outfit. I normally find denoting characters as “masculine” and “feminine” to be meaningless at best and sexist at worst, but the contrast between Roxy’s and Jane’s outfits is very obvious. (Just so you know, I’m taking a more “just for fun” approach than usual analyzing this flash.)


The alpha kids may not have alchemized as much sick gear as the betas, but they do make good use of what they have. I bet Roxy’s appearifier gun has more free reign now that they’re in a void session where there’s no way for the kids to accomplish anything useful until the beta kids arrive. Same reason their sprites have nothing predestined to prototype in them so Gamzee fills them all with troll corpses.

Dirk is so anime here it’s unreal.


After another shot of Jack tallying days in prison, the new planets are rounded off with the Land of Tombs and Krypton which is easily the wildest of the bunch. It’s a great planet-establishing shot to see Dirk jump out of a building dressed in full anime gear plus a gas mask. Unlike the other three planets, Dirk’s planet isn’t a free world of exploration but a complex maze of tombs loaded with toxic gas where getting to the surface is but a daydream. Kind of a good metaphor for Dirk’s character, especially with all his splinter selves.

I barely know anything about anime boys, regrettably enough.


Dirk and Jake exploring tombs together is quite the sight. Dirk looks like the ultimate breathtaking handsome anime swordsman, posing just like his pre-scratch self always did. And Jake looks like the anime swordsman’s dorky anime boyfriend, who is not quite as stereotypically anime but is most certainly anime by association. Dorky anime girls are a HUGE archetype so I’m going to assume dorky anime boys are as well. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

(This is extremely off-topic, but I’m normally more a fan of the stuck-up smart girl archetype than the dorky girl archetype. Just saying in case you thought otherwise.)

Yodelbooger in all his glory.

These shots of Dirk and Jake are followed by a statue depicting Yaldabaoth, who is Dirk’s denizen. Aside from looking cool, I think this image is shown to prepare readers for learning about Caliborn’s denizen, who is also Yaldabaoth. We’ll learn about this denizen quite a bit in Act 6’s next few sub-acts.

153 tally marks. Very easy to do the math.


On Jane’s 16th birthday, the tip of Jack’s Prospit spire breaks off and he stares longingly through the window of his jail cell. This is the second time in rather short succession we get to see a version of Jack Noir from a more pitiable perspective.


The flash ends with a zoom out to Skaia, showing the alpha kids’ rather barren Incipisphere in full view. The planets are rendered in the same style as in several flashes focusing on the beta kids, which is rather nostalgic. 


This zoom-out is followed by curtains, which is unexpected but also relieving, because I can’t imagine how boring it would be to read these scenes with long-winded dialogue. Some content is just better presented without text. This is not meant as an insult, it’s just a fact.

END OF ACT 6 ACT 4.


The curtains close in on the alpha kids’ void session in full view. Act 6 Act 4 was a very short act and I like it that way. It’s just one flash montage and that’s really all it needs to be. A very fitting celebration for Act 6’s first anniversary on 11/11. On to Act 6 Intermission 4!

– – – 


You are now Caliborn.

(this image cracked me up so hard)


It’s only natural that an oddball act is followed by an oddball intermission. Unlike Act 6’s prior intermissions focusing on the cast of the first five acts, Act 6 Intermission 4 is focused on Caliborn. This image above shows Caliborn leaving behind a trail of his sister’s book pages to wipe off his blood, and tells us this intermission is going to be loads and loads of fun.


As Caliborn walks, the narration has such gems as:

You love having a dead sister. Having a dead sister is an experience you would highly recommend to everybody.

and:

It’s hard being a cherub and growing up with lots of weird magical rules that nobody understands and have no discernible origin or purpose. 

It’s hard being a cherub and growing up with lots of weird magical rules that nobody understands and have no discernible origin or purpose, and nobody understands.

Caliborn’s narration is so absurdist and filled with self-deprecating callbacks, I love it.

God, I love Caliborn so fucking much.


You peer at your former prison through the scope on your MACHINE GUN. You aren’t really supposed to hold the gun by the magazine like that, but whatever. 

There’s the CRUXTRUDER. It was the only device available to be deployed. You’re pretty sure there were supposed to be more devices that went with it. But you guess your game session is a little different? 

You were also under the impression there were supposed to be gates directly above your home. But you don’t see any. Maybe if you look higher…

I find it interesting that Caliborn knows these basic facts about Sburb—facts you’d know only if you’ve read Homestuck and cared enough about it to properly digest it—and isn’t embarrassed that he knows those facts. It shows that he doesn’t quite represent generic Homestuck haters, but rather fans of the comic who are tsundere about it and/or don’t care about details like troll castes or classpects.

(I am so happy “tsundere” is part of my everyday vocabulary now. Having “tsundere” in your vocabulary is an experience I would highly recommend to everybody.)


Caliborn also observes the clouded Skaia and Prospit. His narration says:

You guess Jack Noir could still be up there too. You’ll have to catch up with him later for a debriefing. He has been very useful. You may need his service again some time.

It’s rather genre savvy of Caliborn to keep his Jack Noir handy. You’d think someone with such a twisted up mind would just walk aimlessly destroying everything in his path, but this guy knows what’s useful and works well under such minimalist conditions.

Now that you think about it, you believe your entire planet may have been sucked into the Medium, not just the cruddy statues. The landscape is very similar, minus the bright red glow from the supergiant. Add one more item to the list of things you don’t understand. You thought you were going to be sent to a cool new planet, unique to you and your adventure. Some sort of amazing new magical place you could conquer, not the same old barren ball of shit you grew up on. At least that is what Calliope had you believing. You think she was probably a liar, or just really stupid. Or both, times infinity.

Caliborn isn’t immune to perusing and taking thoughts from annoying Homestuck fans, which is to say Calliope. He can understand his sister’s theories just fine, as long as it’s something he can bring himself to care about.

Today is your first predomination day, and as with all zero preceding it, something feels… 

Something feels 

Er. 

What 

What are you looking at?


Caliborn gets a callback to the comic’s poetic title screen sequence, kind of like the one Karkat got at the start of the trolls’ arc but way more ridiculous and nonsensical.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long walk.


Just as John had a feeling it’s going to be a long day and Karkat had a feeling it’s going to be a long night, Caliborn has a feeling it’s going to be a long walk. I can’t say I really understand Hussie’s book commentary claims that Eridan was a prototype for Caliborn. Karkat is by far the troll most like Caliborn.

Caliborn gets a message from Roxy and realizes he has his sister’s computer in his sylladex.

Oh, right. It’s your sister’s computer, still stored in your shared sylladex. You never understood what a kid chained to her bedroom needed with a portable computer. It made you mad how stupid that was.

If you’re a really attentive reader, you’ll recognize this as Gamzee’s husktop. Kind of an amusing hint that Gamzee was the one who raised the cherubs. Being the wise clown uncle he is, he surely thought it a courtesy to pass his computer down to his cherub kids just like Rose did with Jaspersprite.


Caliborn walks away, ignoring Roxy’s message. We get to read her message and it’s very endearing and rambly.

TG: so yeah we all finally entered our game 
TG: i think i was being the worst kind of turd 4 opposing the idea so long 
TG: guess i thought i was being noble 
TG: like sacrificing something that was important and we all wanted anyways just so i could fuck with the witch and her plans 
TG: but i dunno what i was thinking 
TG: cause this shit here is p great i have got to say 
TG: now we are all of the sudden in this crazy place full of pretty green hills and a black empty sky 

TG: i never actually seen anything like plants growin or a country side 
TG: its so peaceful and quiet here 
TG: i mean the racket my loudmouth pals are makin notwithstanding 
TG: we are just chilling at jakes old broken house on a mountain figuring what to do 
TG: lol this all happened so fuckin fast! 
TG: i cant believe were all together like this suddenly 
TG: just 
TG: hangin out 
TG: in actual person 
TG: in our moon jammies 
TG: this is better than i ever thought it would be in the silliest and stupidest way 


Roxy’s monologue is a great way to show readers what happened right after the alpha kids entered the game. She’s just so happy getting to meet all her friends in person and regrets opposing it for so long. I guess Roxy just never knew how great it feels to meet all your friends in person until now.

As Caliborn walks away further, Roxy humorously recaps the events of the Unite Synchronization flashes. It’s mostly stuff we already knew, but then we get this little bit:

TG: and then we get to jakes place and shit everywhere is on fire and hes asleep there so dirk splashes him with a bucket of ocean and tells me and jane to hide?? 
TG: so we do and jake wakes up and starts arguing with dirks gross head from the fucking future and climbs up on this stone wall for some reason and just starts making out with the head while the volcano explodes??? 
TG: jane and i are like what the absolute FUCK while dirks just there with his bucket all like ‘yup’ 
TG: then we ollied out of that popsicle stand so now here we are 
TG: wow 
TG: that story is a goddamn mess 
TG: what did i even just say 


As Roxy points out, most of what happens in those two flashes makes no sense out of context and I love it. She accurately describes it all as “machiavellian/heroic XTREME STRIDER BULLSHIT”.

This image is SO FUCKING FUNNY.


Continuing the running gag of renaming animals to the opposite gender, Roxy immediately thinks of the firefly sitting on her head as a boy and names him first Doctor Blinkbottom then Twinkly Herbert.

This image is even funnier than the last one. Sometimes pictures say more than words ever could.


TG: not even ten stinkin mins into our magic bestfriendquest and theyre already jacking up the drama 
TG: need to flag down the dramambulance 
TG: haul these fuckers away 
TG: wow they are really being so absurd 
TG: maybe its just cause im not tipsy atm but this shit is like hells of amateur hour to me r now 
TG: maybe if i wasnt as sober as a nun gettin slapped by a librarian i wouldnt even notice? 


Not even ten stinking minutes into their magic bestfriendquest and Roxy has already proven herself to be the only party member who’s both sane and competent.

TG: fa reals tho may i just say 
TG: dying is a hell of a way to sober up quick 
TG: got 2 remember that trick 
TG: so hey wake up soon!! 
TG: i will try again later 
TG: must deal w some shit now 
TG: urgh 
TG: i think 
TG: i could use a drink 
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering undyingUmbrage [uu] 


And that’s a great note to end the alpha session’s starting moments on. What a beautiful sequence.

Caliborn then looks at the blinking light and notices…

The bottom part of Gamzee’s wings is shaped a bit like John’s harlequin doll. Very fitting for the plot-armored troll.

GAMZEE????

What the actual fuck is this guy doing here?!

Unlike last time we saw Gamzee out of nowhere, he has wings on his fake god tier suit—the same wings we saw him with in Ministrife. And this time, we don’t have any visual clues on how he got here like Aradia’s time travel music boxes. Even today we don’t know how Gamzee entered Caliborn’s session. The most likely explanation is  that when B2 Jack Noir’s head exploded, the black hole took Gamzee inside the fridge (plus the crowbar) to Earth in the distant future.


We get a short interactive page calling back to last time Gamzee appeared out of nowhere. Caliborn and Gamzee stare each other down, then this happens:


I’m…

I’m speechless.

Caliborn is truly a character like no other. It’s not enough that he kills the first living being he encounters. No, he brutally guns Gamzee down for four consecutive flashes until both his wings fall off and he rests on the ground, dead.


Caliborn probably knows that you aren’t really supposed to kill the first living being you encounter in your game, and figures that shooting Gamzee once will probably be useless. So he fires at Gamzee for five minutes until he’s confident that the clown is extra, unambiguously 100% dead. A good demonstration of his rule-bending tendencies.


As Caliborn walks toward the command station, the narration starts to blatantly lie about his thoughts and feelings. The narrator claims he deeply regrets killing Gamzee; Caliborn quickly figures out what’s going on.


I love how Caliborn types slowly and meticulously while Hussie types quickly like a normal person would.

No way! 
Then who would describe what you’re thinking and feeling? 
NOBODY. 
I CAN THINK MY OWN THOUGHTS JUST FINE. 
THEY ARE LESS STUPID AND CONDESCENDING. THAN THE THOUGHTS YOU TELL MY BRAIN TO HAVE. 
But your thoughts are shitty! 
You should be grateful to have someone to spice them up for you. 
NO. WHAT’S SHITTY. IS YOU. 
AND WHAT’S ALSO SHITTY IS THIS SHITTY PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE YOU LIVE INSIDE. 
I don’t live inside this thing, you idiot. 
This is just sort of like a radio tower. It receives and transmits signals. 
That’s kind of obvious? 
IT’S NOT OBVIOUS. IT’S DUMB AND CONFUSING. 
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON. 
TELL ME. 
Gamzee could have told you a lot of stuff. 
WHO?? 
I can’t believe you shot him like that. What’s the matter with you? 
He was literally the first living being you ever met in your whole life, and you gun him down without a single word? 
You’ve got some problems. 
OH. THE CLOWN. 
HE WAS DREADFUL AND PURPLE AND NEEDED TO BE EXTERMINATED QUICKLY. 


He was a huge fan of yours and was really looking forward to meeting you. 
He wanted to help you with your quest. 
THIS IS MY PLANET. NO ONE ELSE CAN LIVE HERE. I DON’T NEED HELP. 
Yet you want me to tell you what’s going on? 
YES. TELL ME IMMEDIATELY. 
Nah. 

Turns out Caliborn doesn’t necessarily kill everything in his path; he’s just weirdly prejudicial against clowns. What is even bad about clowns? I mean, aside from killing half their friends and causing abominable misfortune across paradox space. Clown prejudice is just one of many hurdles Caliborn must learn to overcome.


AUGH. 
What? 
I’M GETTING FRUSTRATED. BOTH BY YOU. AND THIS FUCKING KEYBOARD.

What’s the matter with it? 
IT’S MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO TYPE MY QUIRK. 
No it’s not. 
YES. THE CAPS LOCK KEY APPEARS TO BE PERMANENTLY DEPRESSED. 
HOW DO I MAKE IT NOT LIKE THAT. 
It’s locked. 
You need a key to unlock it. 
You need keys to unlock a whole bunch of features on this tower. 
WHERE IS THE KEY. 
How should I know??? 
BECAUSE YOU ARE AN INFURIATING FONT OF KNOWLEDGE ABOUT MANY THINGS. INCLUDING MY OWN BRAIN BEHAVIORS. 
Why should I tell you everything? 
Find your own fucking keys. It’s your quest, remember? 
NO, BUT TYPING LIKE THIS IS BAD. 
IT’S REALLY THROWING ME OFF. 
I don’t understand the problem. 
I CAN’T MAKE MY U’S LITTLE. 
No, I got that. But caps lock should make it easier. 
You do realize when caps lock is on, you can hold down shift to make letters lower case, right? 
WHAT. 
NO. 
I DON’T USE CAPS LOCK. I THOUGHT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE A TRAINING KEY FOR RETARDS. 
A training key? 
MAYBE ALSO FOR GIRLS. FOR WHEN THEY GET HYSTERICAL AND MAKE THEIR LETTERS SHOUT. 
Ok, got it. Really great theories there. 
So… how do you usually type then? 
JUST. NEVER MIND. 
Hang on. Are you saying you hold down shift with one hand, while hunting and pecking for all the letters with the other? 
And whenever you type a ‘u’ you just let go of shift?? 
I SAID NEVER MIND. 
Wow. 


Caliborn is such a treasure. He gets by life without understanding severely basic tasks, which again reminds me of Karkat.

OK LOOK. 
I CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE METHOD YOU PROPOSED IS A LOT MORE EFFICIENT AND SENSIBLE. 
I JUST HAVE MY OWN STYLE. 
THAT I’M COMFORTABLE WITH. 
AND ALSO. 
I JUST NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 
How old were you again? 
FUCK YOU. 
OK, THE THING IS. 
DON’T TELL ANYBODY I SAID THIS. 
BUT. 
I’VE ALWAYS HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE. 
AT. 
LEARNING STUFF. 
Yeah. 
I know.


Caliborn is an inspirational figure and no one can tell me otherwise. His brain works in strange ways, but that doesn’t stop him from becoming a mighty proud artist. As he ascends through the tiers of artistry, he tells readers they can accomplish anything if they put their mind to it, no matter what they think their talents may be. His evolution and improvement as an artist is a surprisingly realistic depiction of what it’s like to take on a form of art you’re wholly unfamiliar with and become good at it through perseverance.

Caliborn looks very determined as he figures out an easier way to type.


FUCK IT. 
I’LL JUST TYPE IN ALL BIG LETTERS. EVEN THE U’S. WHO CARES. 
Aw, looks like someone just took his first big step toward growing up! 
ACTUALLY, TYPING THIS WAY IS A LOT EASIER. LOOKS LIKE I WIN THIS ROUND ASSHOLE. 
Win what? I was the one advocating the use of caps lock in the first place, doofus. 


Part of becoming an artist is discovering better ways to do things and perhaps sacrificing techniques you thought were vital. Caliborn discovers it’s way easier to type without lowercase U’s and doesn’t feel unnatural typing that way like trolls do, or his sister who likes to pretend she’s a troll.

You may be destined for bigger things, but you’re still an atrocious, stupid child. 
And you may have won the “game” with your sister, but that doesn’t mean it was the best thing for your development as a person. 
You had her dream self killed, which is not an opportunity your species typically gets. So she died prematurely, instead of allowing the conflict within you to settle itself naturally. 
In short, you forced your predomination to happen a little too early, and now you’re stuck. 
STUCK? 
Yes. Your personality is stuck in some sort of cantankerous prepubescent limbo. You are going to be a stunted, miserable tool forever. 
WELL, HOW LONG WAS I EVEN SUPPOSED TO WAIT. FOR THAT TWEE BITCH TO GET OUT OF MY SKULL. 
It’s kind of sad. You don’t really know anything about your own species, do you? 
AND I GUESS YOU DO? 
Uh, yeah? 
Pretty much everything. 
TELL ME THEN. 
No. 
GOD. DAMN IT. 


Premature predomation is another hamper Caliborn eventually gets past: he becomes a big tough skull monster through amalgamation with a muscular sprite and an unbelievably strong clown, plus a horde of other powers to approximate what adult cherubs are supposed to look like. It’s too bad that Lord English’s pride falls apart after he kills Hussie and travels through the Furthest Ring, but Caliborn’s glory years shall never be forgotten.

(Between the debate surrounding Calliope and Caliborn’s age and maturity and their questioned capacity for human romance, most people agree it’s for the best Roxy and Calliope’s relationship was left ambiguous.)

I like how you’ll only notice Gamzee isn’t quite dead if you look closely.


THIS DIALOGUE IS GIVING ME A HEADACHE. 
BETWEEN YOUR PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE OBSTINACY. 
AND YOUR BIZARRE MOTIVATIONAL DIATRIBES. 
AND THE FACT. 
THAT I’M HAVING A HARD TIME TELLING OUR TEXT APART? 
What? 
You are? 
KIND OF. 
Well, here’s a hint. You’re the one typing in capital letters.
You’re also the one typing in surly, brief, stilted sounding phrases. 
NO, BUT THE COLORS ARE TOO SIMILAR. 
I KNOW THAT SOME LETTERS ARE BIG. AND SOME ARE SMALL. HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM. 
I JUST HAVE AN EASIER TIME THINKING IN COLORS. 
What does that even mean, “thinking in colors?” 
I TOLD YOU. MY BRAIN WORKS DIFFERENTLY, SO SHUT UP. 


Thinking in colors is likely something Caliborn has in common with his sister. When Calliope sent him old pesterlogs back when she was still alive, Caliborn probably felt horribly spited and pandered to because he knows he reads things far more easily when they’re formatted with bright colors.

Hussie explains that to change his text color, Caliborn needs to solve a puzzle and connect the right wires together. Then we get this passage discussing Gamzee:

What you really need is a guide. 
A mentor, of sorts. 
Too bad you shot that clown.

STOP TOUTING THE WISDOM OF THAT IMBECILE WITH THE DISTURBING UNDERPANTS. 
THE ONLY THING HE HAS TAUGHT ME. IS HOW TO RECEIVE HUNDREDS OF BULLETS THROUGH THE TORSO. IN THE LEAST DIGNIFIED MANNER POSSIBLE. 
AND ALSO. A CRASH COURSE IN DYING A PAINFUL DEATH. HOPEFULLY. 
Sorry to disappoint you. 
He’s not dead. 
WHAT. 
What did you expect? He’s clearly a god tier. 
BULLSHIT. 
Haven’t you ever seen a god tier before? 
You do know what that is, right? 
YES, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 
Then you know he’s immortal, and can only die under very specific circumstances. 
Guess there’s no point in trying to kill him! 
BUT HIS WINGS FELL OFF! 
I SAW THEM FALL OFF. 
Hmm. 
Yeah. I guess they did. 
So? 
SO. I THINK. HE’S PROBABLY FAKING. 
Oh please. Paranoid much?? 
Why would anyone go to that kind of trouble? What would be the point? 
He would have to be such a jackass to do that. 
I DON’T KNOW WHY HE’S FAKING. 
I JUST KNOW THOSE WINGS WERE BOGUS PIECES OF SHIT. THAT WERE LIKE. STRAPPED ON. 
WHICH MEANS. HE IS A FRAUD. 


Caliborn doesn’t care about the why. He only cares about the what, which allows him to cut to the chase and figure out the rules. As such, he doesn’t have any trouble processing the idea that Gamzee made a fake god tier outfit.

Bloody Gamzee is extremely disturbing, whether it’s text or visual.


If you don’t believe me, just see for yourself. 
HUH? 
You made the rookie mistake of turning your back on the body. 
OH MY GOD. 

HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY STILL BE ALIVE??? 
See? Fit as a fiddle. Barely a scratch on him! 
Just please don’t shoot him again, ok? 


Turning your back on the body is one thing Caliborn never quite learned not to do. Hussie goes on to explain Gamzee’s strange immortality:

Say it with me. 
“You can’t keep down the clown.” 
NO, I WON’T SAY THAT. 
SAY IT! 
“You can’t…” 
GO FUCK YOURSELF. JUST TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS. 
It means crazy clowns just won’t die for some reason. In adventures such as yours, they tend to linger long past their welcome. 
They linger and linger and linger, and just when you think you’re totally fed up with their bullshit and you can’t take another second of it, they just linger some more. 
And you never know what they’re up to, and they’re always scheming in the shadows, and it’s quite possible that whatever master plan they’re hatching just doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense at all. 
But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how stupid the clown’s schemes are, or how sick of him everybody is. 
He just. Won’t. Die. 
THIS IS. HONESTLY? THE WORST SALES PITCH FOR A MENTOR. THAT I HAVE EVER READ. 

Granted! 
But come on. Just let it slide this one time? Please? 
Just no more shooting. You can slap him around if you want. That’s fine. But shooting is off limits. 
WHY. 
Because you can’t kill him! He’s the most important character in… 
IN WHAT. 
Well, ok. Maybe not the MOST important. 
But he’s still really important! 


What Hussie is trying to tell us is that Gamzee’s clown immortality is the concept of “plot armor” taken as literally as possible. Gamzee is now the ultimate farcical plot device, used as the standard fallback character to fulfill plot points in Caliborn’s quest and to show his gradual character development.


Gamzee hands Caliborn a Skaianet power hub to help him out with connecting wires, but Caliborn shoots him again. I wonder where Gamzee got the hub? Maybe he looted it from Roxy’s house during the alpha session, just like Vriska did with the fenestrated walls after the retcon.

You mother fucker. 
HE LOOKED AT ME FUNNY. 
Yeah. 
Want to know why? 
BECAUSE HE’S A FUCKING CLOWN. 
DO NOT TYPE IN BIG LETTERS. IT CONFUSES ME. 


Sometimes it’s easy to forget the typical mannerisms of regular, normal clowns that don’t involve assembling bogus god tier outfits or selling jars of troll blood as they were magic potions. One day, Caliborn will be down with the clown too. It’ll just take a bit of warming up. 

Why do you have to be like this? 
Why can’t you just be down with the clown? 
I DON’T KNOW. 
I LIKE SHOOTING HIM. 
HE JUST HAS THIS. PERFECTLY SHOOTABLE TORSO. 
HEY. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS HORRENDOUS MUSIC. 
What. You don’t like it? 
IT IS WITHOUT A DOUBT. CAUSING ME MORE PAIN. THAN WHATEVER THIS UNKILLABLE CLOWN IS FEELING RIGHT NOW. 
Well, whenever you shoot the clown, I play the elevator music.
OH FUCK. NO! 
That’s the deal. 
Either shoot the clown and face the music, or put on your fucking big boy suspenders and stop trying to murder him. 


I love that Hussie immediately realizes he can bribe Caliborn not to shoot Gamzee by torturing him with elevator music. This guy is susceptible to the most ridiculous weaknesses, I swear.


With the hub plugged in, all the monitors now have power. One is unlocked already; the rest need to be unlocked with keys. The unlocked screen shows a picture of dream Calliope’s corpse, and Caliborn says he’s been wanting to change his text color to that of his sister’s blood. All he has to do is pick a color with his mouse.

Please don’t tell me Gamzee is sexually aroused by any of this.



Unfortunately, the mouse is quite possibly the least convenient type of mouse anyone could ever use. It’s a trackball mouse welded to the counter, and because the monitor is so high Caliborn has to weirdly twist his body to be able to use it.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. 
WHAT SORT OF ASSHOLE. WOULD SET UP A WIRELESS MOUSE. 
AND THEN WELD IT TO THE COUNTER. 
That’s a hell of a question. 
OHHH. 
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 
I AM SO. SO. PISSED OFF AT THIS. 
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS NIGHTMARE. 
I dunno. 
Someone who thought it would be funny watching you struggle with a shitty trackball mouse welded to a counter? 
I DEMAND TO KNOW. 
WAS IT YOU. 
IT WAS YOU. WASN’T IT. 
Maybe. 


“Maybe” is the correct answer. Obviously Hussie is the author of Homestuck, but in-universe we have no way of knowing who built the command tower and it doesn’t make much sense for it to be Hussie’s self-insert.

MARK MY WORDS. WHOEVER YOU ARE. 
SOME DAY I WILL TRACK YOU DOWN. AND KILL YOU. 
You already did. 
LIAR. 
It’s true. It already happened in like the quasi-future. 
UH. WHAT. 
For someone who’s supposed to be a Lord of Time, you really kind of suck at thinking 4th dimensionally. 
Let alone 5th dimensionally. 
You’ve got a long way to go, kid. 
QUIET. YOUR NONSENSE IS DISTRACTING. 


I can’t think of a single thing Caliborn says he will do in the future that turns out just to be bluffing. This guy is amazingly true to his words—as Hussie says, we already know that Lord English did indeed track him down and kill him.


OK. THERE. 
WAIT. 
THIS COLOR IS ALL WRONG. IT’S TOO MUDDY. 
Yeah. The environment is pretty grim up there. 
Skaia doesn’t provide very good lighting when it’s all clouded over like that. 
Just bump up the brightness on the display.


The image above was first seen before Calliope was revealed not to be a troll and it’s beautifully misleading. The blood looks like a muddy shade of green not unlike the colors of troll blood…


… but when the image is brightened, we get to see Calliope’s true blood color. It’s a very bright shade of green, the exact same color Lord English spoke in.

OK. HOW’S THIS. 
That looks better. 
Wait, let me check. 
Ok, yeah. #2ed73a. That’s correct. 
WHAT. 
That’s the hex code for the color. 
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. 
It’s the numerical representation of the color in hexadecimal format. 
OK. SO?? 
So I was just double checking to make sure it was right. 
AND. 
It was right. 
THIS IS A PARTICULARLY AGGRAVATING TANGENT. TO AN ALREADY GHASTLY CONVERSATION. 
I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE. AND HOW TO KILL YOU. 


Despite all his character development, Lord English later ends up killing Hussie the exact same way he had tried to kill Gamzee. Maybe seeing the sarcastic command station guy being pompous as ever reminded him of simpler times? Or maybe he just lost his usual personality beyond being a huge brute after becoming Lord English.

Next up, Gamzee gives Caliborn another gift.


WHAT IS THAT. 
What does it look like? 
It’s a magic crowbar. 
WHY IS HE GIVING IT TO ME. 
I’m not sure. 
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING. 
I know a lot of things. But I don’t always understand his motivation for doing the stupid things he does. 
WHY NOT. 
I just don’t. 
Like one time? He sold a girl some potions. I have no idea why he did that. 
POTIONS? 
Yes potions. 
He also threw some corpses into a sprite to revive them, and fused their identities to create a disturbing freak of nature.
I’m still not really sure why he did that. Probably just to fuck with everybody. 
WHAT CORPSES. 
It doesn’t matter what corpses. Just some corpses, ok? 
The point is, he probably didn’t even have any reason for doing it. He was just being weird and capricious. 
But that doesn’t mean it didn’t end up serving an important purpose anyway. 
After the fused corpse sprite exploded, both of their ghosts got fed up and decided to start working together. 
And now they’re doing some important stuff in the afterlife. But I kind of doubt this clown had any idea that would happen.
Or maybe he did? Who really knows with clowns. 


Here’s a funny bit where Hussie speculates on Gamzee’s motives. I love how even the author can’t come up with a logical explanation for why Gamzee did anything he did. Gamzee’s plot armor comes in two forms: armor that prevents him from dying (which is what plot armor usually means), and armor that prevents anyone from figuring out his motives (which is a definition I made up just now).

HOLY FUCK. WHO CARES ABOUT THIS. 
WHAT ABOUT THE CROWBAR. 
What about it? 
YOU SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT. 
It is important. 
But I don’t know if HE knows that. 
I BET THAT CROWBAR IS A USELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE. I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. 
Maybe he heard you bitching about the wireless mouse being welded to the counter, and he’s giving you something to pry it off with? 


Here’s a case where Hussie can easily guess Gamzee’s motives. It’s surprisingly sweet of him to keep doing Caliborn favors. But Caliborn has a much better idea:

Callback to Doc Scratch beating up Spades Slick.
Gamzee is resilient because he’s useful to the plot; Slick because he’s an enormous fan favorite.

Hey! Stop that. 
What did I say?? 
YOU SAID SHOOTING THE CLOWN WAS OFF LIMITS. 
BUT I AM STILL PERMITTED TO SMACK HIM AROUND. 
I’M JUST FOLLOWING THE RULES. 
That’s true. 
Ok. I’ll allow this. 
YESSSSS! 

Caliborn continues to demonstrate his mindset of bending rules by taking whatever way he can to beat up Gamzee. He immediately saw the crowbar not as a tool to pry things, but as a foolproof way to break anything. That’s exactly the role the crowbar plays, and has already played, in the plot of Homestuck. It’s also what Caliborn uses to beat up his denizen and destroy his clock to gain unconditional immortality.

Related to the topic of crowbars, many members of the Felt don’t technically have magic powers but rather own objects with time powers that match their names, like Die’s doll or Quarters’ coins. But Crowbar subverts even that because his role in the story is not as the guy who pries things open or as the guy who uses his crowbar to break jujus—rather, he’s an intelligent leader who makes a perfect rival to Spades Slick.


On the next page, Hussie changes his mind and plays the elevator music extra loud. This humorous moment shows Hussie isn’t a force of paradox space like what Caliborn is used to.

This page was slightly edited to match Homestuck’s move to homestuck.com.

The old version had a bottom bar with Hussie’s self-insert in a dream bubble.


And how does Caliborn respond to Hussie’s change of mind? He uses the crowbar to mess up Homestuck’s website. This moment is so fucking good, it needs no explanation. Note that one of the pieces of candy corn from the website’s top bar passes through the fourth wall and lands on Caliborn’s counter. I never noticed that detail until today.


Thank you. 
Now what exactly would you like to know? 
EVERYTHING. 
Everything is a lot. 
Care to narrow it down a little? 
OBVIOUSLY NOT THE BORING IRRELEVANT THINGS. 
DEFINITELY NOT THINGS LIKE. WHO KISSES PEOPLE. WITH THEIR UNPLEASANT NONSKELETAL SMOOSHY LIPS. 
JUST ALL THE THINGS THAT I NEED TO KNOW TO WIN THIS GAME. 
That’s not how adventures work though. 
You don’t just make some omniscient narrator inside a computer tell you everything all at once. 
There’s like this whole process to it. You reveal certain things at the right time, depending on whether the hero has met certain requirements and is ready to learn those things. 
What you learn and what I tell you is more up to you than it is to me. 
WHO CARES. 
I DON’T WANT YOUR EXCUSES. 
Aren’t you excited about your adventure? About being unchained for the first time ever, and getting to explore this mysterious place, and meeting people and solving puzzles that will lead to the realization of who you were meant to be, and how you fit into this epic? 
NO. 
SO FAR. THE ADVENTURE IS BORING, AND FRUSTRATING, AND CONSISTS OF AN IDIOT IN A COMPUTER, AND A CLOWN WHO WON’T DIE. 
I WANT TO KNOW WHEN I GET TO START FUCKING SHIT UP. 
You’ll definitely get to do that later. 
WHEN. 
Not long from now. 
LIKE. IN A COUPLE HOURS. OR. 
That’s up to you. There are puzzles to solve all over your planet. Your mentor can help. 
The sooner you do that, the sooner the fun will begin. 

Hussie’s self-insert is the best game guide character in Homestuck. Instead of being gleefully tight-lipped like sprites or space players, he explains through narrative tropes why he can’t just tell the player everything he wants.

YOU REALLY AREN’T TELLING ME ANYTHING. 
WE HAD A DEAL. I PUT THE CROWBAR DOWN. NOW TELL ME THINGS. 
Why don’t we narrow the scope of the Q&A then? 
Try asking very specific questions, and I’ll decide if it would be appropriate to answer at this time. 
YEAH. GOOD IDEA. 
THEN MY FIRST QUESTION IS. 
WHAT IS THE PLACE. 
The Medium. You are in your game session. 
I KNOW THAT. 
WHAT’S THIS PLANET, I MEAN. 
It was called Earth. 
EARTH. THAT’S IT? 
Yes. 
Weren’t all the Statues of Liberty a dead giveaway? 
If you see one or more shitty old Statues of Liberty on any post-apocalyptic wasteland planet, that automatically means it was Earth all along, as a rule. 
Then when you realize that, you’re supposed to have a mental breakdown. 
I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH THIS RULE. AND SKEPTICAL OF ITS VERACITY. 


I like how Hussie has to say as explicitly and unambiguously as possible that the cherubs grew up on Earth, not just to Caliborn but also to readers. He jabs at readers for not getting it before by talking about the trope where characters see a rusty Statue of Liberty, realize their desolate planet was Earth all along, and promptly freak out.

OK. WHY IS THIS MY PLANET IN THE GAME THOUGH. 
Cause your kernelsprite turned into a black hole and sucked it into your session? 
NO I MEAN. I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A COOL AND SPECIAL PLACE. 
LIKE A LAND OF SOMETHING AND SOMETHING. 
You do. 
You just have to unlock it. 
That is when your real quest will begin. 
HOW DO I DO THAT. 
You know. Finding keys. Solving problems. 
All the potential for extraordinary achievements in your quest must be unlocked first. 
We’ve been over this. 
WHERE DO I FIND THE KEYS. 
I don’t know. 
LIES. 
Why would I know that? You think I’m like an encyclopedia on key locations?? 
I got better things to think about than where all your stupid keys are. 
Find them yourself. Better hop to it! 


All this talk about finding keys and solving puzzles brings me back to Problem Sleuth. When Hussie says he has better things to think about than locations of keys, he’s probably referencing how much Homestuck grew in scope from his prior comics and is now far more than just a tale of puzzle solving.

NO. MORE QUESTIONS FIRST. 
WHAT AM I ULTIMATELY STRIVING TO UNLOCK. 
TO MAKE MY REAL LAND APPEAR. 
IS IT SOME SORT OF GIANT, FANCY KEYHOLE. 
No. More like a big door. 
A DOOR TO WHAT. 
TREASURE? 
Kind of. 


What Caliborn ultimately needs to unlock is a big door, which again reminds me of Problem Sleuth. 

If there’s any treasure in there, it would be guarded by your denizen. 
WHAT’S THAT. 
A powerful monster that rules your planet, asleep in the core.
He appeared there the moment Earth got sucked into your session. 
WHAT KIND OF MONSTER. 
IS IT A DEADLY, CHALLENGING MONSTER? 
Yes. 
He is the deadliest, most challenging denizen of all. 
He very rarely appears in game sessions, and is usually designated for the most naturally gifted warriors. 
His name is Yaldabaoth.


Now this is a surprise reveal right there. Before this page, we had reason to believe which denizen a player gets is only a matter of their aspect. But now we know there’s an exception for the strongest fighters of all. It makes sense in retrospect because Yaldabaoth is the only known denizen whose name isn’t Greek, and because we know Dirk to be an insanely tough fighter. It’s too bad his denizen doesn’t play a role in the story other than reminding us Dirk is naturally tough.

Hussie explains more about Caliborn’s denizen quest and The Choice and what do you know, I actually don’t remember the order in which this all happens. I think Caliborn met with his denizen once to unlock his timed planet destruction mission, then again to kill him and reap the spoils? Or something like that. Aranea’s going to helpfully explain all this in not too long.

SO WHAT’S SO TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS SESSION. ASIDE FROM THE FIRST STAGE BEING INSANELY BORING. 
It’s called a dead session. 
SO. 
So, there are three kinds of fucked up sessions, and yours is the worst. 
There’s a null session, which is pretty much a normal session that’s doomed to failure. 
Everything works correctly. The sprites are prototyped, the battlefield can evolve, the Forge is present, Skaia can gestate a new universe… theoretically. 
But events conspire such that this never happens. Basically the players are doomed to fail. 
Then there’s a void session, which is the same as a null session, but without even having the potential for success. 
Nothing is prototyped. The battlefield doesn’t evolve. There’s no Forge. It is completely inert. 
It has no chance of bearing fruit, at least not without some sort of miraculous external intervention. Like a deus ex machina. 
And then there’s a dead session, which is a void session but worse. It’s started by a single player. The kernelsprite collapses into a black hole, sucking the planet into it, and eventually the sun and entire solar system. There is no hope of creating a universe in such a session under any circumstance, not even with outside help. Victory and defeat in a dead session are dictated by totally different terms. 
One way of looking at it is, if you’re fortunate enough to even get your quest started, it will be like playing the game on the extreme difficulty setting. 
Hope you’re up for that! 

OF COURSE I AM. 
LET ME ASK YOU. 
IF YOU WERE THE MOST DEADLY DENIZEN OF ALL. 
WOULD YOU WANT TO MESS WITH… 

Candy corn is a surprisingly good stand-in for sharp teeth, both in Problem Sleuth and Homestuck.

*THIS*??? 

Caliborn is more than ready to play Sburb in extra hard mode. I just love that he doesn’t fear a single thing so far in this adventure.

Note the use of Gamzee’s old typing quirk, to make extra sure we feel bad for him.


Oh great. 
Now he’s vomiting blood. 
Are you satisfied? 
You made this dear, sweet, pseudo-innocent juggalo vomit liter after thick, glutinous liter of nasty purple blood. 



Hussie’s lines about Gamzee make us feel surprisingly bad for him, except for a small lapse of humor when he says he’s “pseudo-innocent” which is, well, the truth.

An exact retrace of the one time Calliope stuck out her tongue.


UUUGH. 
I’m debating whether I should play the elevator music again. 
Would that be funny? I’m not sure. 
Kind of borderline, really. 


And to top things off, Gamzee’s in such bad shape that Hussie doesn’t even want to play elevator music. I think I agree that it’s a borderline case.


Gamzee pukes up some keys and even Hussie is confused:

KEYS? 
What? 
HE PUKED UP SOME KEYS. 
That’s weird. 
What kind of keys? 
JUST SOME REGULAR LOOKING KEYS. 
WITH SOME KIND OF CLOWNY KEY RING. 
Hmm. 
Do you think they might work on this tower? 
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ASKING ME? 
HOW COULD THIS BE SOMETHING YOU DON’T KNOW. 
Don’t be that way. I’m just thinking out loud here. 
SO YOU HAD NO IDEA THAT THIS WRETCHED FOOL SWALLOWED SOME KEYS. 
INTENDING TO LATER REGURGITATE THEM IN FRONT OF ME. PROBABLY AS ANOTHER “PRESENT”. 
He’s kind of like a loyal pet, isn’t he? 
Dragging ridiculous stuff into the house as gifts for his master. 
Barfing up disgusting things on the carpet and beaming with pride over his generous offering. 
Isn’t that what you want from a devoted minion/mentor? 
DID YOU. OR DID YOU NOT. KNOW HE HAD THESE KEYS. 
Nope. 
I’m just as surprised as you. 
I DON’T BELIEVE YOU. 
Hey, I told you. 
I have no idea what that clown gets up to in his spare time. 
I’m not even really sure how he got here, to be honest. 
Maybe he stowed away in a shitty Liberty? 
Or maybe he was just hiding in one of the ventshafts on your meteor when you entered? He had YEARS of practice to master that move, now that I think about it. 


Gamzee’s motives are so bizarre that one must cherish these rare moments when someone so much as speculates as to what they might be.


Upon Hussie’s suggestion, Caliborn tries using keys on various slots and this comes up:


AH. YES. IT’S THIS BUMBLING TWIT. 
WHERE IS HE. 
He is in his game session, exploring his land. 
HIS LAND LOOKS COOLER THAN MINE. 
It is cooler. 
THAT FUCKER. I AM SO GOING TO MESS WITH HIM. NOW THAT I CAN SEE HIM. 
HEY. 
WHY CAN I SEE HIM NOW? THEIR GAME WAS BLACKED OUT. LAST I LOOKED. 
You were looking through a standard chat client viewport. 
This tower’s signal bypasses the field of void permeating the session. 
As long as you find the right tower, the right monitor, and have the right key, you should be able to see anything in existence from this planet. 


Caliborn is jealous of anyone whose situation sucks less than his no matter how stupid he thinks they are, which I guess means he has something in common with Eridan? I don’t know, just throwing it out there.

He then tries another key:


IT’S THE DIRK HUMAN. 
HE IS SOMEWHAT TOLERABLE. I MEAN. AS A STRONG AND COMPETENT MALE. 
What. So you’re down with the Dirk? 
NO. ALL I’M SAYING IS. THE DEATH I WISH ON HIM DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ESPECIALLY PAINFUL. 
IT COULD BE LIKE. GOING TO SLEEP. WITH MAYBE ONLY A SHORT SCREAM. 
I think you want to be bros with him. 
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. 
I WILL TRY ANOTHER KEY. 


FAN.

IN.

DENIAL.

Caliborn is just as loud and hammy about the character he likes as he is about characters he dislikes. He tries to downplay it by saying his favorite character is slightly less putrid than the others, but it’s so obvious he sees Dirk the same way Calliope sees all of the alpha kids. This is exactly what happens when you like a work of media and are embarrassed about it, which is definitely not something that’s ever happened to me oh my god don’t give me that look.


OH HO. 
AND HERE IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE. 
AN EXEMPLARY PAIR OF SAUCY BITCHES. 
DO YOU THINK… 
What? 
NO. NEVER MIND. 
IT WAS A FRIVOLOUS QUESTION. 
Think what? 
I WAS JUST WONDERING. 
DO YOU THINK IT’S LIKELY. 
IF I PEEK AT THEM FOR A WHILE. 
THEY WILL BEGIN TO. MAYBE. 
What? 
STROKE EACH OTHER’S HAIR. 
Ok, I’m leaving. 
OR MAYBE. 
WHAT’S THE WORD I’M THINKING OF. 
YOU DO IT WITH ANOTHER LIVING TORSO THAT’S NEAR YOU. I MEAN, A TORSO YOU HAVEN’T KILLED YET. 
WHEN ONE DARES TO ALLOW THE SEDUCTIVE SERPENT OF DEBAUCHERY TO SLITHER INTO ONE’S SARSWAPAGUS. 
What the fuck? 
I THINK IT’S CALLED. 
“SNUGGLING”? 
Bye. 


Caliborn’s sexy lesbian fantasies are so hilariously unfiltered I can’t even take him seriously. Being hammy about characters you find attractive is another thing fans in denial are prone to do.

WAIT! 
WHERE ARE YOU GOING. 
I think you’ve got a handle on this. 
You’re warming up to the clown, or at least you stopped shooting him every thirty seconds. 
So it seems like you’re ready to accept him as your mentor and begin taking this quest seriously. 
I FIND HIM MODERATELY LESS REPELLENT. 
AND HE HAS PROVEN HIMSELF USEFUL. I GUESS. 
I WILL ACCEPT THE RESILIENT BARD AS MY SERVANT. 
Cool. 
My work here is done then. 
Try out some more keys. Then go exploring and look for more. 
You’ll get the hang of it. 
 — The narrative prompt has been locked. — 

And just like that, Hussie’s done guiding Caliborn for now. He did all he needed and would rather not sit through a word of Caliborn imagining Jane and Roxy making out.

Boy am I glad Gamzee’s wounds heal later. I can hardly stand to look at him so bloody.


Caliborn smiles broadly as he tries one last keyhole and feasts his eyes upon this:


In Act 6 Act 4 we never quite got to see the alpha kids’ Jack in full view. This image is quite a wham shot: we see his leg chained to his jail cell just like Caliborn once was, with a golden tooth also like Caliborn.

END OF ACT 6 INTERMISSION 4

And that’s the image Act 6 Intermission 4’s curtains close in on. A surprise shot that foreshadows through cherub parallels that B2 Jack Noir won’t be harmless for much longer.

Act recap time, why not. Well, the little there is to recap anyway.

Act 6 Act 4 is just one flash montage of the alpha kids’ Sburb session, which works better than it has any right to.

Act 6 Intermission 4 is probably the most intermission-like of the Act 6 intermissions. It’s a short interlude between the beta and alpha kids’ storylines that focuses entirely on Caliborn. It’s an odd one out among the Act 6 intermissions that again works better than it has any right to.

See you next time in Act 6 Act 5 as Jane finally confesses her longtime crush on Dirk.

>> Part 93: A Friendship Even More Permanently Ruined

The Obligatory Homestuck Epilogues Post, In Full

I am still burnt out on this blog, that’s still a thing. Only a week since hiatus and I already wince at the thought of reviving my Homestuck posts, especially on a platform that’s not convenient at all for hosting these posts. I’m sick of gaining pretty much no traction because Blogger and search engines go together like jelly and hot dogs. I currently plan on switching to a different platform, maybe even purchasing a personal web domain because I’m 20 and that’s what 20-year-olds do. But for the time being, I might as well write a post providing my full thoughts on the Homestuck Epilogues.

BRIEF SUMMARY

4/20, read through Meat: epilogues pretty good
4/20, started Candy: what the fuck
4/21, stopped: aaaaaaaaughhhhh bluh i hate everything
4/24-ish, continued Candy: epilogues alright i guess also i am sad now
4/27-ish, finished: I LOVE HOMESTUCK

BRIEF-ISH SUMMARY

Meat was a wild ride that started as cool plot stuff and things that make you go “OH FUCK”, continued as basically chapters 7-9 of Detective Pony (which I naturally enjoyed a lot), and ended as a mess of sheer chaos and destruction. My thought process ended as, “oh duh, this is the bad ending, candy must be the good ending”. I was in for quite the nasty surprise.

I quit reading Candy just a few pages in. It didn’t take long for it to suddenly become the weirdest fanfiction ever. Frustrated, I started skipping and searching through later parts and got rather salty when it turned out both sides were the “bad ending”. I saw firsthand what vfromhomestuck meant by “clear your whole week”: this is not something most people can just read in one sitting. Then I recovered a few days and read Candy in earnest, in a somewhat anachronous order and with many parts read multiple times. Slowly, I started to hope that the epilogues would be followed up with a true happy ending for real this time. I may or may not have written a snippet of some form of fanfiction paving the way for a happy ending.

Once I finally accomplished the equivalent of reading Candy as intended, I got hit HARD with feels. I accepted that the epilogues have many issues but as a whole (not just the sum of parts) are an absolute masterwork, sometimes because of those issues. It didn’t take me long to realize the brilliant duality either. Meat is a side-splitting metafictional farce that (for me at least) is impossible to treat as anything resembling a story of people doing things. Candy is a tale of FEELS, and I don’t use the word FEELS lightly. FEELS means I almost cried, like I did when I watched the Futurama episode Luck of the Fryrish.

DETECTIVE PONY AND METAFICTION

Before I move on and talk about the CHARACTERS, I’m going to discuss the meat epilogue’s resemblance to sonnetstuck’s Detective Pony. I love everything about Detective Pony, more than almost anything else in existence. My abnormal love for that godlike fanwork probably skewed my perception of Meat a bit. Starting from page 17, Dirk takes over the narration then fights over it with god tier Calliope; both do rather questionable deeds and Dirk was hit hard by fans as a result. Seeing other fans react towards that character with such hostility gave me a very distinct feeling of “what, am I missing something?” Dirk’s takeover felt like a lengthy work of comedy to me; a story that never strips away from the fact that it’s fiction, in a vein near identical to that of Detective Pony. I like to think I am in the right for perceiving that arc this way, because I think everyone who has read Homestuck should read Detective Pony. One of the epilogue authors read Detective Pony after writing the epilogues and was struck by it; I take this accidental mirroring of (post-)canon as proof that sonnetstuck understands Hussie’s ways through and through. I like to think I have a solid understanding of Hussie’s ways by now, but this guy is on a whole new level.

That said, the meat epilogue gets a bit carried away with metafiction to the point of making me think, “god when will things go back to normal”. Towards the end of Detective Pony, Dirk goes through an existential crisis followed by a powerful revelation, and then resolves to do whatever it takes to erase his abominable creation. But the meat epilogue ends with (both figurative and literal) crashing and burning; no ultimate redemption for our poor Strider. Homestuck doesn’t usually have much of a problem with getting carried away with stupid nonsense; maybe a few rare occasions in cases like Hussie’s self-insert scenes. But getting carried away is a major criticism I have with cool and new web comic. I love that comic to death, but the parts that take a long time to dwell on the cool and new characters being creepy or weird are a chore to go through. o (the author of CaNWC) seems to have improved in that regard; the cool and new trolls’ arc is much more to-the-point with such nonsense.

Meat getting carried away with metafiction is a major cause of my initial burnout shortly after starting Candy. I was sick of this mass dump of metafiction and expected Candy to be a refreshing change of pace. Haha, if only. My fault for reading Meat first. At night I sometimes ponder in envy of the parallel universe me that started with Candy. Actually I don’t do that, I just thought it was a funny thing to say. Though I have on more than a few occasions sat in bed fantasizing about how awesome my life probably is in some parallel universe. What point was I making again? Oh whatever, it doesn’t matter. I guess I should write a similar overview of Candy’s narrative nature. Here goes:

LUCK OF THE FRYRISH AND SADSTUCK

Sad things are sad.

^ There, that’s my candy overview. How hard was that?

With the two summaries out of the way, I figure the best way to dump out my residual thoughts on the epilogues is going character by character. I won’t do every character, mostly just the ones who played large roles and were already characters in Homestuck proper. I’m sorting these characters in tiers of how well I think the epilogues handle them, mostly from worst to best.

N-TIER

N is not the lowest tier; it’s the tier that cannot be ranked. N stands for two things here: “Not Applicable” and “Narrators”. Naturally enough, two characters fit into that tier.

Dirk Strider: I’ve already talked about this guy quite a bit. I have a fondness for Dirk’s character and I think his dialogue and narration in meat do a good job portraying some ascended, ultimate version of his character without straying from his voice, the tone that makes him Dirk. That said, I’m a bit peeved that “normal Dirk”, the one iteration of Dirk Strider that isn’t total bonkers and just wants his friends to be happy, doesn’t exist in this story. In Candy, Rose suddenly loses the memories of her alternate selves, but for some reason Dirk keeps those memories and soon after commits suicide; he’s left out of the picture until Candy’s postscript, which I guess is a reasonable balance considering his indulgence throughout Meat. But why is only one of the succulently verbose Strilondes let off the hook? Some readers imagine Dave as the comic’s protagonist and Dirk as the antagonist; I’ve toyed with that idea myself and can see it symbolized, but it just feels so wrong to me. Maybe the authors did too good a job writing Dirk for me to be complacent with such a shift in role. His conversations with Rose were just as delightful as I had hoped and they aren’t weighed down too much in light of his shift in role, at least not for me.

Alt Calliope: The narrative rival to Dirk, as I mentioned previously. I’m not totally sure what to say about her, other than that one could see her as a counterpart to let’s say Anna Harley; a necessary piece in the Detective Pony analogy. Alt Calliope’s narrative arguments with Dirk were hilarious and that’s all there is to say on the matter.

G-TIER

I’m lucky Gamzee’s name starts with a G, because this means I can give him a tier of his own worse than F. As an individual arc that is; he’d get a much higher rating when taken as part of a whole.

Gamzee Makara: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I despised reading every word that came out of this guy’s mouth as soon as his “””redemption arc””” started. But I can clearly tell that was the point and that the suffering that is reading his words has a much greater purpose. Before you deem me a masochist or the kind that insists everything is “bad on purpose”, know that I am neither of those things but really do mean what I say here. Gamzee’s role in Candy draws tension between individuality and the whole. Reading this guy’s hogwash is suffering in and of itself, but ultimately it serves a role of showing us how fucked up the world of Candy is and helps the reader experience John’s existential crisis with him.

F-TIER

As before, these tiers are strictly about character arcs in isolation and not the big picture. This tier is home to none other than the legendary…

Jane Crocker: Boy did I predict the future on that one. A bit like Dirk, I would’ve liked it more if in only one epilogue did sweet innocent little Jane become such a monster. No way in hell am I going to run through the asshole things she does; it’s a load of sensitive topics I’m not comfortable discussing in any capacity. Instead, I’ll say that if I had to choose only one epilogue where Jane ran through her crazy presidential campaign it would be Candy; as with Gamzee’s arc, this campaign serves well as a part of John’s existential crisis. What’s weird here is that in Candy she originally cancelled all this, but later ended up basically doing it anyway with Dirk gone. I can imagine Jane going back to normal in Meat, maybe? Or in the hypothetical “true ending” I discussed prior.

D-TIER

Better known as “meh” tier. Mostly the characters that don’t do much and I wished did more.

Meenah Peixes: Needed more screen time, god damn it. She survives the Furthest Ring apocalypse, nabs the Ring of Life, then makes her way to Candy Earth and joins Karkat in the rebellion. Maybe it makes sense that her and Karkat teaming up in war is relegated to the background, to show how far the shouty guy has come in comparison to everyone else. I’ll come back to this point when I talk about Karkat.

Roxy Lalonde: Doesn’t do too much in either side, but does go through some touchy topics I’m not sure what to think about; I’m most certainly not ready to talk about those topics now. And regardless, Roxy’s role in the epilogues is better discussed when I talk about John and Terezi a few tiers up.

* UPDATE: I have now written a post about these touchy topics. Read at your own discretion.

Calliope: Doesn’t do all that much either, full circle to being the exposition alien with mysterious morality. I’m actually pretty OK with that. Certainly beats out the slog of endless “ur pretty” conversations. Calliope pretty much fades into the background on both sides, which is sad but fitting.

(About pronouns: I’ll keep referring to Roxy and Calliope as “she” unless I find reason to talk about the little those two do in Meat. I just avoided using pronouns in those paragraphs above.)

C-TIER

Better known as “meh” tier, but with a more positive “meh” than before. It’s the “meh” that indicates lukewarm satisfaction rather than annoyance at mediocrity.

Jade Harley: Really should be on a lower tier, because she did dick squat other than being horny and painfully oblivious to all the nonsense going on. But I’m a sucker for Jade being “Jade” and was happy to see even a trace of that early in Meat. As before, I’ll avoid the controversial topics surrounding Jade in the epilogues, aside from pointing out that this post reads very different now.

* UPDATE: I have now written a post about her in the epilogues too.

Karkat Vantas: This guy’s a bit of an odd spot. His leadership role is addressed in the absolute last way I expected. Could’ve gotten more attention from the story I suppose, but damn if his character arc didn’t get the most triumphant return imaginable.

Kanaya Maryam: I touched upon Rose and Kanaya’s relationship when I discussed the “buddy system” in my first epilogues post and I still stand by what I said there. Her strong attachment to Rose is integrated well into Meat without seeming like fluff or defining her entire character, because she actually does other things there too. In Candy they remain a stable happy relationship and I guess I’m cool with that.

Aradia Megido: Role is the same as ever and I’m fine with that. Death fangirl who works for predestination and has ambiguous morality. Her arc with alt Calliope ends with a cliffhanger that is easily the biggest reason to hope for a follow-up to the epilogues; if such a follow-up were to happen, I really look forward to hearing more from Aradia.

Sollux Captor: Sollux is by nature the other guy, that’s an immutable fact of life. He doesn’t do much other than snarking at whoever’s nearby and I can’t imagine it any other way.

Jake English: If not for a scene near the end of Candy, I’d put Jake at D-tier. Through all of Meat and most of Candy, Jake’s role is one of the oddest spots of all and it’s pretty hard to pinpoint what the authors were going for, lest I dabble in controversial topics some more. But Jake’s scene with John near the end of Candy is uniquely touching and makes the most out of his role as a second John. He moves in with John, bringing his son Tavros with him, and encourages John to reconcile with his former wife and make amends of sorts, ultimately giving a small portion of the cast a pseudo-happy ending. That whole part of Candy made me tear up.

Talking about the really GOOD parts is a perfect point for me to move on to…

B-TIER

Stuff that didn’t make it into A-Tier, which I’ve reserved for what struck me HARD.

Dave Strider: In both epilogues, Dave’s behavior generally seems based on how he acted in Act 6 Act 6 Intermission 5, which is actually a LOT better than it sounds and hell if I know why that is. Dave’s rants about politics and sexuality now have a charm I can’t quite describe. His absurd fixation specifically on the economy matches shockingly well with the nature of Homestuck. The three-way romance between him, Karkat, and Jade goes in very different directions on either side, which I’ll discuss a bit later. The epilogues even made Dave x Karkat an actually decent ship, how crazy is that??? The writers deserve a big badge of honor for doing that. Not sure what to say about specific things, but Dave was really well-written in an unexpected way.

Rose Lalonde: Again not sure what to say about anything in specific. Just really enjoyed reading Rose on both sides of the story. Shoutout to the heartwarming moment with John near the end.

A-TIER

Oh boy. Oh boy. Time for the big guns.

Vriska Serket: My mind hurts to process just how good Vriska’s appearance in Candy was, after leaving the Furthest Ring and landing on Earth. First she talks with John rather aggravated, then she brutally murders Gamzee, then she sits down and has an honest talk with her ectobiological clone raised by Rose and Kanaya, and in the end gets in touch with Terezi which leads to a cliffhanger. The story somehow created the PERFECT balance of sincere reflections and typical Vriska flavor, which was deeply lacking in A6A6I5 with its horrific polar opposite versions of Vriska. The two Vriskas’ conversation late in Candy is incredibly endearing and almost feels like an apology for the controversial Vriska/Vriska encounter back then. I accept the apology with open arms. Why is everything always so wonderful?

John Egbert: ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3. WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS SO WONDERFUL? John gets a deep meaningful existential crisis arc in both epilogues; both cases I easily latched onto and found a bit of myself in. I absolutely loved seeing him and Terezi interact as a duo of people with some perception of canonicity; I’ll get back to that point soon enough. John’s marriage to Roxy not working out is a testament to both his issues with canon and Roxy’s issues dealing with harsh situations. Roxy latches onto John and their son as a huge carefree pushover and he doesn’t like that at all. And that’s actually cool with me because John x Terezi is better in every way, as the epilogues made me realize. If that wasn’t enough, the end of Candy spoils our little hearts by having John reconcile with Roxy anyway and give hope for a better future. Though a part of me does want to see a true happy ending where John and Roxy date with their delightful dynamic from their first interactions, I’m beyond pleased with the epilogues’ handling of John either way. Swaying deep into some rather sad territory while remaining 100% faithful to his character that I’ve always loved so much.

Terezi Pyrope: FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES. Every scene with Terezi in the epilogues was so goddamn awesome. Her interactions with John were such a blast to read, with exactly the mix of humor and touching aspects that make both of the big John/girl ships what they are. How did the authors pull it off, making deeply emotional scenes without ever sacrificing that goofy Terezi flavor???

S-TIER

S in rating systems these days is way misused in my eyes. Normally A is meant to be the highest rating and S is used for the very rare absolutely exceptional case A doesn’t do justice. But now you see shit like SS, SSS, SSSS everywhere like one S isn’t the ultimate badge of honor? S is a rating I’d gladly give Detective Pony and may or may not give cool and new web comic. Same goes for my very favorite Futurama episodes. I’d give a few of Neil Cicierega’s works that rating if I’m feeling up to it. In this post, I’ve reserved the S rating for:

Barack Obama: THE BEST PART OF THE EPILOGUES, HANDS DOWN. His conversation with Dave near the end of Candy is perfect in every way, it really transcends words. Humor, emotional touching, plot revelations, and straight up “Homestuck feel” are blended into the most delicious melting pot imaginable. When Dave confesses that he might be gay and explains troubles in his three-way romance, Obama responds with a truly inspiring speech about identity that raises an excellent point about the differences between the epilogues involving aspects of people that may seem immutable to some. I think Obama’s speech leaves a powerful message I never expected Homestuck of all things to convey so well. I hope readers take that speech’s message into account, though I know many will probably be a bit naive about it.

If you refuse to read the epilogues at all costs, then I implore you to read Dave and Obama’s conversation anyway. You won’t be disappointed.

CONCLUSION

This post was so much fun to write, holy shit. I so badly needed to get all this out of my system. The only thing stopping me from continuing my Homestuck post series (plural) is that I don’t want to do it on Blogger anymore. The move to a new platform will happen soon enough, once I have some real-life things sorted out.

Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 58: Puppeteer Mythologification Station

Introduction

Part 57 | Part 58 | Part 59 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 31 of 32

Doc Scratch Intermission, Part 6 of 6

Pages 4036-4083 (MSPA: 5936-5983)

I can’t believe I’m this close to Act 6, with only two posts to go that likely won’t each take a week to make.

This girl was originally drawn without horns by mistake.
Hussie joked that Doc Scratch revoked her horn privileges.

Doc Scratch turns off the fifth wall and then Damara, I mean the Handmaid, I mean the mystery girl who looks like Aradia (I’ll just call her Damara for now), throws a chair at him. It’s always hilarious and satisfying to see people beat up Doc Scratch, even though I don’t really hate him.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 53: Scratch Doctor Narration Adventures

Introduction

Part 52 | Part 53 | Part 54 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 26 of 32

Doc Scratch Intermission, Part 1 of 6

Pages 3763-3832 (MSPA: 5663-5732)

NOTE: For once I managed to release a post ahead of schedule! God damn am I proud. I will leave for vacation June 9, so you should expect about three more posts before then.

Where we left off, Homestuck Disc 2 was taken to Doc Scratch for repair. Now, Doc Scratch takes over the narration for the second time, and helpfully changes the color scheme of the website so that his white text is easier to read. I think the color scheme change does a really nice job at changing the atmosphere of the site to a very different mood for Scratch’s section of the act.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 52: Metafictional Disc Glitch Madness

Introduction

Part 51 | Part 52 | Part 53 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 25 of 32

Pages 3717-3762 (MSPA: 5617-5662)

NOTE: This post took longer than I hoped because it goes through a lot of flash pages and those always take longer to cover than usual. For some reason it didn’t occur to me until yesterday that I could take screenshots from flashes far more easily by taking them from these fan-made storyboards. See the image above for how I feel about that.

Terezi is starting to surpass Karkat as my favorite troll.

Proceeding from where we left off, we have what appears to be yet another walkaround game, except it doesn’t work because the disc is missing. A weird big “Objection!” referencing Ace Attorney appears out of nowhere, our first hint that something isn’t right with the disc missing.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 51: A Tale of Two Vengeful Seers

Introduction

Part 50 | Part 51 | Part 52 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 24 of 32

Pages 3695-3716 (MSPA: 5595-5616)

When moving this blog to WordPress, I heavily edited the parts where I talk about John and Rose as a ship because let’s be real here, all I said about that pairing back then BADLY needed an overhaul.

It’s time for [S] Seer: Descend, a walkaround game that tops all others in chilling mood and rivals Alterniabound in scale while completely dominating it in plot relevance. Like some others, it opens with a flash sequence with, as the title suggests, Rose descending into the castle. I can’t help but notice the giant black squidmonster aura surrounding her, which just utterly dwarfs anything she did before going dark, and that includes glowing three different colors to my recollection.

Another part of the flash opening sequence that is pretty much impossible to screenshot: we very briefly glimpse both the green sun and a color-inverted pink sun. I’ve heard of theories that there’s a pink sun to complement the green sun, just like Alternia’s green and pink moons, though those are dismissed by many as a ridiculous crack theory that makes no sense. Only through catching the glimpse after rewatching that sequence did I notice that glimpsed pink sun. It’s really probably just a color-inverted green sun though.

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Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 50: The Sad, the Silly, and the Self-Indulgent

Introduction

Part 49 | Part 50 | Part 51 >

Act 5 Act 2, Part 23 of 32

Pages 3636-3694 (MSPA: 5536-5594)

So I’m halfway to 100 posts now. As with my inactive large number website, I’m impressed with myself by how much bigger this project is turning out to be than I first envisioned.

NOTE: I have officially decided to split Act 5 Act 2 into 32 posts, arranged like so:

  • Two more posts before the Doc Scratch intermission
  • Six Doc Scratch intermission posts
    • Two posts before the scrapbook section
    • Three posts for the scrapbook section
    • One post after the scrapbook section
  • One post after Hussie snaps out of the intermission; this will include Cascade and Intermission 2.

Note the flashing Bec symbol in the alert bubble.

TT: Sorry for the delayed response. 
TT: Answering seems to be what to do right now. 
GG: rose jeez!!! 
GG: finally 
GG: you sure seem to be absorbed in whatever youre doing on that computer… 
GG: were you talking to someone? 
TT: Oh, right. I forgot I gave you the code for the crystal ball. 
TT: And here I was thinking I could safely delay responding to messages without seeming like an ass, the way it usually works.
TT: Oops. 

Rose remarks that it’s kind of rude of her not to answer her friends’ messages. It’s weird, how throughout what I’ve covered last post, Rose realizes what she’s doing is bad but does it anyway.

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