Cookie Fonster’s Homestuck Commentary Part 70: A Friendship Permanently Ruined

Introduction

Part 69 | Part 70 | Part 71 >

Act 6 Act 2, Part 5 of 6

Pages 4569-4594 (MSPA: 6469-6494)

Jane’s conversation with Dirk’s responder about Sburb (i.e. stuff that matters) looks like this:

but her conversation with Roxy about teen drama shit looks like this:

(click to zoom in)

I think this difference says a lot about the alpha kids’ story arc, and how much time they waste on stuff that isn’t Sburb. I don’t even have much to say about the short pesterlog, other than that Jane is noticeably enthusiastic about starting up the game and more than ready to begin, and I think her entering the game could’ve easily progressed smoothly from here on out.

However—and this is a tangent that isn’t so much saying stuff about the short pesterlog—I imagine the progression of events might be too straightforward if Jane didn’t start getting bugged by other people. In the beta kids’ arc, getting John into the game was an interesting storyline because it was our first time seeing that happen, not to mention we didn’t even know he would be transported to another dimension. In the trolls’ arc that stuff is all kind of fast forwarded through, while in the alpha kids’ arc it’s interrupted by relationship drama. I think the story probably would’ve progressed interestingly enough without that happening since plot twists regarding starting the game have already happened in the form of things blowing up. Then again I can kind of see why Jane entering would keep getting delayed like that. Act 6 Act 2 isn’t really in any position to conclude yet; for one thing we still haven’t heard from Jake at all in this act, let alone see him make progress on his bunny mission.

Anyway let’s get on with the long pesterlog.

TG: ALART ALART ARLART AL*ERT AL*ART!!!!! 
TG: hugely important cornespondence 
TG: paging doctor crocker 
TG: rolal to docrock 
GG: 😕 
TG: heh heh 
TG: paging 
TG: bet you would like to get PAGED huh jane 
TG: *sweet innuendo 
GG: I’m not sure that qualifies as innuendo at all. 
TG: wonkwonkwonkwonkwonk 
GG: I honestly think you misspell things intentionally more often than not, regardless of blood alcohol content. 
GG: You just typed wonk five times in a row! 
TG: i have only junst begun to wonk 

After a really apologetic conversation earlier, it looks like the two are back to their usual banter.

GG: What is this urgent thing about, anyway? 
GG: Is it about your boobytrap? 
GG: Because you’re too late. It already blew up my whole bedroom, thank you very much. 
TG: no no 
TG: i mean i still feel shitty about that but its not abiout that 
TG: i know you already ran it i been talking to the shades 
GG: Yes, me too. Right now in fact, and I’m in a bit of a hurry! 
GG: What is this about? What are you even doing? 
TG: im in the lab doing a thing with my cat 
TG: but that doesnt matter i was doing some thingkin and was still feeling guilty about fuckin up ur computer and all of the sudden im in bff~ath mode here 
TG: so i gotta tell you something u need to know before its too late 
GG: Before what’s too late? 
TG: you and jake hookin up stupid! 
GG: Oh my god. 

It seems like all the alpha kids’ attractions to each other that don’t involve Roxy are entirely informed. Jane has never said anything so far to the effect of “Jake is hot” (including to the end of this conversation), and neither has Dirk. Roxy, meanwhile, shows all her attractions to people in really blatant ways. Although it’s reasonable to assume Jane keeps to herself about those feelings and hasn’t sorted them out yet, it’s still weird because they’re pretty much a thing Roxy keeps telling us about. 

TG: this is about turnin all your steamydreamz in to STEAMAY REALTITIES 
TG: ***realities lolo 
GG: This isn’t happening now… 
TG: whereins jc + je kiss & hug loads and start turnin out big heaps of wrigglers the old fashioned way<3<3,3,3<338O!!!! 
TG: i cant decide whether this mental image porcolating here is hot as shit or cute as fuck…… 
GG: No! Cease your lascivious porcolating at once! 
GG: Roxy, I can see you’re set on just wasting more of my time.
GG: I understand if you don’t wish to play this game, but please try not to interfere with those of us who do! 

I’m starting to feel REALLY stupid accusing Jane of being dumb. Here, she is being sensible and recognizing that all this romance drama stuff is a pointless waste of time.

TG: i found out today taht dirks gonna make a move 
GG: A move? You mean, a romantic one? 
TG: yes 
GG: On you? 
TG: omfffgggggg 
TG: JANE GET A CLUE 
GG: Um. 
GG: On me? 
TG: no 
TG: no my dear sweet janey not on you 
TG: ON JAKE!!! 
GG: Oh. 
GG: Ohhh. 
GG: I didn’t think… 
GG: That… 
GG: Hrm. 
GG: Are you sure? 

Everyone knows Jake is oblivious when it comes to romance, but it’s easy to forget Jane is that way too. This seems to be a feature common to all the human Prospit dreamers (except maybe Jade). But it doesn’t change that Jane is being sensible regarding stuff that actually matters.

GG: This is quite a development. 
GG: Poor Dirk! 
TG: what do you mean 
GG: Well, surely when he reveals his feelings, Jake will… 
TG: ?? 
GG: I mean… 
GG: He couldn’t possibly… 
TG: wut 
TG: repriprocate? 
GG: Yes? 
TG: why not 
GG: Because Jake is not a homosexual! 

This is a blatant callback to John’s infamous line where he said he wasn’t a homosexual. I think this line is meant to tell us that Jane is as naive and simple-minded as John is regarding romance. This is not to say it’s stupid for her to argue that Jake probably isn’t attracted to boys, just that Roxy responds with arguments as to why that might not matter. Maybe this is sort of meant to give readers a subtle idea of what it would be like if John was tangled up in this nonsense and actually was attracted to someone? But for some reason it’s kind of hard to imagine him having the same nervous breakdown Jane has a little later.

TG: are u suuuuuure??? 
GG: Are you saying he is? 
TG: nope 
GG: Then what are you saying? 
TG: im saying that 
TG: i dont fuckin know 
GG: But… 
GG: I thought it reasonable to presume he takes a shining to ladies. 
GG: He does speak fondly of certain females from his favorite films, does he not? 
TG: true that 
TG: but 
TG: how much does that really mean here jane 
TG: can you be totes sure on account a some dorky moive crushes 

[…]

TG: if dirk lets on all his feelins there is at least a CHANCE jake will go like DERP OK DUDE LETS MAKE OUT 

As I said earlier, we haven’t heard from Jake for quite a while so it’s a little hard to take Roxy’s descriptions of Jake for granted. Maybe those are sort of meant to warn us that Jake is soon going to be EXTREMELY obtuse and literal minded?

2019 EDIT: I think Roxy’s response to Jane’s assumption on Jake’s sexuality raises an important message about the stock people put in fictional characters’ sexualities. Roxy tells readers that characters’ actions can easily override whether a character is introduced to us as straight or gay, and more importantly, that people’s identity and sexuality aren’t always set in stone. Obama makes this point much more explicitly in what is easily my favorite part of the Homestuck Epilogues, and I think it’s an important message for readers to understand.

TG: im not saying be an idiot and start gushing at him incoherentry 
TG: but do SOMETHING 
TG: say how u feel 
TG: or flirst a bit or ask him out on a date inside the fuckin game or such 
TG: goddamn ANYTHING other that a bunch of bullshitty pining and tightassy NOTHING 
TG: you have to do what i say u promised 
GG: I promised to BELIEVE what you say, not DO it! 
TG: those 2 things are 
TG: prespicely the same shit 

Jane is flying high as the smartest of the alpha kids. Or I guess the smartest along with Dirk.

GG: If I agree to say something, will you stop tormenting me about it?? 
TG: yes 
TG: but only 
TG: because that will be impossible for me to do 
TG: when u + him r snoggin hard in motherfuckin makeout paradise 
TG: A K A SEX LAND 
GG: Fine. 
GG: But let the record show that this resolution has almost nothing whatsoever to do with your use of the phrase “SEX LAND.” 
GG: Just… 
GG: I need to think of what to say, and wait for the right moment. Is that ok??? 

You can’t really blame Jane for not knowing what to say to Jake. She still has barely talked about her supposed feelings for him at all. Also, it’s worth noting that Roxy keeps trying to convince Jane to go through with this stuff with sexual imagery, but she just finds it annoying.

OK I’m done with the pesterlog. Time for another flash, [S] Prince of Heart: Rise up.

Before I begin I’ll share a bit of trivia you may or may not know. The music in the flash (Time on My Side) was originally made as a battle theme for Dave, but despite the flash being about totally different things, the music works just as well with it because of the melodies used, specifically Beatdown from the Dave vs. Bro flashes and Black from Jack: Ascend. It makes for a lot of nice callbacks and parallels, stuff that only sometimes happens in relation to the comic’s music. For instance, Collide has some parts that sync well with the music references, others not so much.

When the flash starts, we get a lot of rapid flashing imagery to sync with the music, and it’s pretty much impossible to screenshot so I won’t put it in. Stuff like that tells me that the whole animation is a pretty obvious example of a flash whose existence is based on a song, which is a thing that happens in the comic sometimes.

As we zoom in yet again on Dirk’s eyes, they flash with Horrorterror imagery that calls back once again to [S] Jade: Wake up. Since the same thing happened when Rose stared into the cueball, I guess I can conclude that imagery is pretty much the general signal that the elder gods are doing stuff. It’s a thing I never realized until now, since three examples of something is pretty much the minimum to recognize a pattern.

Jake’s battle with Brobot opens with the Dave/Bro thumbs down thing, which is an obvious example of a callback with a twist. In this case, it says in a simple but surprising way that the robot is scary. Brobot being able to grow extra arms at will reminds me of how Jade’s dreambot could inexplicably do the same due to early installment weirdness. It might be a parallel between their respective human counterparts, I don’t know.

Dream Dirk leaves his room and carries HB’s head around Derse, and the first thing I’m reminded of is how the dreamer kids were all supposedly glorified as awaited heroes. A few posts ago I noted how it goes against logic that Dersites idolize their dreamers but go against their ultimate objective. By going against that preset system, Dirk essentially restores logic to the game’s ways.

I guess I was wrong to say Dirk was the only alpha kid who did a strife thing.Jake here is doing something that UNARGUABLY counts as that.

When Brobot slices Jake’s bullets with lightning speed and throws them at him, he’s re-established as an absolute nightmare of a fighter robot that puts Dave’s bro to shame. The weird thing is, that was previously established when he came out of nowhere and decapitated the goat lusus, but I guess it sort of needs to be reiterated here for the sake of this being a stand-alone flash.

I’m pretty sure all flashes in Act 6 Act 2 are pretty loaded with callbacks, and of the non-arbitrary kind. Jane: Enter is yet another good example as I’ll explain in my next post.

As Dirk flies around with the severed head, a crowd of Dersites starts following him in a way that calls back to all those Prospitians gathering for Jake’s funeral. In a way those scenes are kind of opposites: on Prospit the gathering was to mourn a hero’s death, but on Derse it’s to discover a hero’s awakening.

In these images, the Condesce is confirmed through callbacks to be the new queen of Derse. Specifically, these images call back to the Black Queen in [S] Jack: Ascend, and are pretty clearly meant to tell us who the new queen is.

More on those visual callbacks to Jack when I get to [S] DD: Ascend and [S] DD: Ascend more casually.

These callbacks also tell us that in the scratched session, B1 Jack’s equivalent in narrative role is not B2 Jack, but DD. This is another thing that’s better off after the scratch: while the beta kids’ Jack was unpredictable and violent, the alpha kids’ Jack is taken out of the picture and replaced with a much calmer new archagent, who gets a lot more focus in the story than his pre-scratch self but does a lot less harm to our heroes, and eventually becomes closer to an ally than a villain due to his friendship with Dad.

This scene calling back to the end of round 1 of Dave vs. Bro is the moment I realized I totally forgot Jake’s battle with Brobot is the most hilarious thing ever. I mean, sure, the robot is brutal and scary and at times has the same shocking effect Dave’s bro gave me when I got to the Dave vs. Bro flashes in this post series, but this battle also has just so many hilarious moments.

These pictures above both call back to Aradia beating up Vriska in [S] Make her pay, which is interesting because Jake and Dirk also have some subtle Vriska/Tavros parallels going on, but with Vriska serving Dirk’s role instead of Jake’s. Once could say that Vriska has her hands everywhere to the point where there are two parallels with her in one with Jake’s interactions with Dirk, namely her and Aradia one way, and her and Tavros the other way. This also reminds me that even the pre-scratch trolls have a thing that parallels Jake and Dirk, with the whole situation going on with Rufioh and Horuss.

Here we get to see HB’s true purpose in the story: scaring people not through his own astounding brutality, but through Dirk proving himself stronger than that guy ever was.

Jake stomping on Brobot’s shades only for them to regenerate is another thing that’s somehow more hilarious reading the comic this time around than it ever was before. Probably mostly because of Jake’s annoyed expression throughout the battle.

Turns out Dirk wrote his dramatic one-liner on the same newspaper which boasted about dream Jane’s death. The revenge symbolism is pretty obvious, but what’s maybe not as obvious is that this happens in the first place.

And DD crumbles up the note in disgust, which is kind of both a Dave thing and a Jack thing. It’s yet another callback that establishes his parallels with the beta kids’ Jack.

That absurd drubbing earned you another rung on your echeladder. One of the steeper prices you’ve had to pay for a bit of ladder climbing, but in the end you suppose it was all worth it to be able to bask in the glory and prestige of the PETER PANACHE rung. You guess? Who are you kidding, you don’t have a clue what that even means. 

The narration here tells us that Jake doesn’t actually care about leveling up on the echeladder despite the comic’s video game rules and stuff. The story is sort of questioning its own video game mechanics, which is a thing it’s done occasionally since early Act 5 or so.

Just as Dave wasn’t seen for long stretches of pages in Act 3 due to battling Bro, Jake spent quite a while out of focus in Act 6 Act 2 due to battling Brobot.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] 

GT: Bro. 
GT: Your contraption and its busy fists just royally kicked my ass. 
GT: And that sure as god made little green apples isnt all there is to say on the matter! 

Can the callbacks to Dave’s battle with Bro get any more blatant than this? I don’t think so.

GT: Are you listening my friend??? 
GT: Ill have you know my ass was straightup served ice cold. 
GT: My savaged caboose has been catered to impeccably. 
GT: Not unlike that of a gentleman stranded on an island inhabited by a race of indigenous butlers. 
GT: I hope the far fetched scenario i have described has adequately communicated the severity of my robotic buttwhoopin! 
GT: Does this mean i passed the test or whatever the fuck. 
GT: Can your robot drop the bullshit and give me the uranium now or what? 


As Jake notes, as per callbacks the obvious course of action would be for Brobot to give him the uranium now that the battle is over. But the way that happens calls back to something other than Dave and Bro to make things more varied I guess. More on that when it happens a tiny bit later.


GT: Dirk??? 
GT: Where the frig are you? 
TT: I’m afraid Dirk can’t hear you right now, Jake. 
GT: Aw nuts. 


In Jake’s previous conversations with Dirk’s responder, the responder spoke entirely for his human counterpart regarding the uranium situation. But now, with the responder having branded himself as his own person, he acts like it’s not his problem.

The very first glimpse we have a this mystery troll is vague enough to pass for Vriska, but the next page proves otherwise.

When Jake blacks out, we get yet another alpha kid having a brief vague dream before entering the game. But in this case, it teases something (or should I say someone) not just to him, but also to the reader.

And that someone is very much an enigma at this point. It’s really obvious readers were meant to take a wild guess who she is. Attentive readers may think back to to Doc Scratch’s references to another set of trolls who scratched their session and connect the dots, but readers who were like me in my first read would think “uh, another version of Vriska?” I don’t remember what I thought seeing Aranea for the first time, but I very much remember my reaction to seeing Meenah, which as I said in an earlier post was basically “is that a mean version of Feferi?” I think I probably thought a similar thing seeing Aranea.

GT: I still cant find dirk all i get is his jerkwad shades. 
GT: Surprise sur freakin prise. 
TG: jake enklish 
TG: cant u see im fuck deep in all these stupid meowcats 
GT: Oh. 
GT: No? 
GT: I cant see that actually. 
TG: i m also 
TG: fuck deep in busy 
TG: what ist it 
GT: Just seeing if you had heard from him yet. 
GT: I would really like to speak with him today. 
GT: You know like actually in person instead of through his aggravating liaison who is so far up his own ass with this hal 9000 schtick its ridonkulous. 

Here Jake puts the thing going on with Dirk’s responder in terms of movie references, something that happens again later on in an even more blatant way. I haven’t seen 2001 but I know enough about it to say that the comic seems to put its own spin on the concept of artificial intelligence turning evil, by having the responder confined in a pair of shades and thus unable to mess stuff up beyond a certain extent but able to torment Dirk just as well because of that.

GT: Man i just had a crazy dream after getting coldcocked by his roughhouse droid. 
TG: yeh theres been that goin around 
GT: What? 
TG: dreamin 

Yet another moment where a character notices a pattern right after I do.

TG: what was urs about 
GT: Well i dont want to alarm you or anything… 
GT: But it may just have featured none other than THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS???????? (note the number of question marks)
TG: WUT 
GT: She had sharp funny horns and a nice blue dress and she may have been some sort of spidery vampire? I dunno. It was very brief but she waved to me. 

While the alpha kids’ other dreams were related to plot stuff, directly or indirectly, Jake’s dream about Aranea might tangentially have to do with the whole romance subplot? Both in and out of universe, it kind of serves as a vague teaser of a new character as well. In Jake’s case, Aranea can be seen as a character in his story arc.

TG: nonononoononno 
TG: this wont do at all 
GT: What wont? 
TG: u slobberin over some alien dream girl 
TG: fuck THAT im having enough a hard time keppin trach of the jakestakes as it is 
GT: The jakestakes? 
TG: the jakestakes 
GT: Also who said she was an alien? I just thought she was some kind of pretty monster. 

If Jake has seen so many movies, he should really be able to tell apart monsters and aliens. After all those blue people from Avatar are aliens, aren’t they? Or maybe Roxy knows it’s an alien because she lives in a future where Earth was taken over by an alien queen who tried to enforce troll ways of living.

TG: wait a minnit… 
TG: has jane talked to u yet about anything? 
GT: About anything? Yes i do imagine our last chat could fit that description. 
TG: no 
TG: i mean 
TG: about anythin serious 
TG: feelinswasy 
TG: * wawys 
TG: * waways 
TG: * SHIT 
TG: * about your emotions 
GT: Not really. 
TG: uuuuuugh 
TG: i knew shed porcrastinate on this 

What’s interesting about Jane procrastinating is, the reader doesn’t really feel Roxy’s annoyance at Jane not doing it; rather, the reader feels Jane revealing her feelings being put off in favor of stuff that actually matters, like a cool flash and a teaser of yet another mystery character. Actually, the reader doesn’t even feel that putting off, rather experiences it through not anticipating Jane revealing her feelings. I can’t say for certain what readers at this time were most excited for, but I’d imagine the character teaser grabbed readers’ attention by far the most.

TG: can u just message her now 
GT: Sure. 
GT: But what are you talking about? 
GT: Should i expect a serious exchange about feelings and whatnot? 
TG: depenbs on the present magnitude of her tightassery 
TG: someone needs 2 move you fuckers along an get some stuff out in the popen already 

If only Roxy pushed her friends this hard to start up Sburb instead of embarrass themselves.

GT: I guess i cant help but wonder if that truly is the way she sees me or if it is just some wild ego stroking delusion on my part. 
GT: I always get this sense that people sorta fancy me but who knows i could be just miles off the old rocker about that! 

Another thing about Jake that’s important to note is that at this point he isn’t really that oblivious to his friends all liking him, and would probably know exactly what’s going on if not for his weird policy of believing only what people outright tell him.

GT: Youre right i think its high time we cleared the air on some things even if there is a chance it gets all awkward and prickly. 
GT: That is what being brave and adventurous is all about after all. It isnt just about summoning the courage to pilfer some priceless loot from trap laden catacomb. Or shooting at stuff with two guns at once. 
GT: There are treacheries of the heart to consider!!! 
TG: lol u f’n dork 
TG: but yes do that 

By thinking of the whole thing in terms of an exercise in adventure and bravery, Jake is the one who ends up pestering Jane about the whole situation, something she was clearly unable to do. I would say it a good thing that Jake does it if not for him promptly being brainless.

Before I go through this “OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING” conversation, I’d like to talk about this whole sequence in general because it’s kind of infamous. But before I talk about that I’d like to talk about what happens in the background of this conversation: Brobot ripping his heart out, pounding it on a rock, and blowing up. In my first Act 6 post, I said this happens in the background because it’s kind of the obvious thing to happen through callbacks. But now I’m not so sure how obvious it is. Instead of Jake getting the uranium the way Dave got his Sburb discs, the comic calls back to a different thing that may be more unexpected depending on how good the reader is at remembering callbacks.

As for the conversation itself, in a nutshell Jane fails to confess her feelings for Jake and promptly has a blatant nervous breakdown about it, but Jake remains oblivious and starts babbling about Dirk’s feelings for him. To many it’s a dethroning moment, not just for the comic’s enjoyability but also for the characters: Jake for being stupid and Jane for also being stupid, and maybe also Roxy and Dirk for brining this thing upon them. It also raises several questions, not the least of which is, why the fuck is everyone attracted to Jake? More importantly, it may lead readers to question why the comic is dwelling on this stuff. Unlike with the trolls’ romance drama (especially that with Eridan and Feferi), it’s harder to see this as an irrelevant interlude, since like the beta kids, the alpha kids truly are a quartet of main characters, so I don’t think I can answer this question.

But this sequence does at the very least have some amusing parts, like Jane’s facial expressions and sarcastic responses to Jake’s statements, and the overall way their friendship is totally deconstructed. In a way, this whole conversation is darkly humorous, which might seem like a terrible thing to say but really, by now I’m used to the comic mixing black comedy with serious dramatic stuff. OK it looks like I accidentally answered the question I left open.

I think I’ll cover the conversation in the following way. I’ll only comment on particularly interesting bits, not just because this conversation is probably better to comment on as a whole which I just did, but also because Jane’s thoughts sum the bulk of it up for us:

Jane is so frustrated she developed laptop telekinesis.

OK let’s begin.

I already posted this picture earlier but I don’t care.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] 

GT: Aloha madame. 
GG: Jake! 
GG: Hey there. I was actually about to message you. 
GT: Yes i have heard that maybe your correspondence was forthcoming. 
GG: You did? 
GT: I just got off the horn with roxy. 
GG: Wait… 
GG: What did she tell you? 
GT: Well. Not anything all that specific. 
GG: Did she goad you into writing this message? 
GT: Oh you know how it is. What with her ways. 
GG: What ways? 
GT: You know… ways! 
GT: I believe they are not incongruous with those of a feisty and provocative young woman. 
GG: Provocative my behind! 
GG: She is skirting dangerously close to meddlesome territory. 

Here, Jake says a very similar thing to something he said about Jane earlier (“She has her ways. I believe they are not incongruous with those of an intelligent and discerning young woman.”) in a way that makes him start to come off as repetitive. Jane immediately has a sort of questioning reaction to this, which is an early hint at the friendship deconstruction that’s right about to happen.

GT: I feel that total honesty between us will be the best policy as we begin our journey together. 
GT: So i say lets put all the facts on the table where we can both see them. 
GT: With that in mind i would like to ask you a question jane and i hope it doesnt strike you as being too forward. 
GG: … 
GG: Go on. 
GT: Maybe its just my imagination but ive picked up on certain lets say hints. 
GT: So i have to just come out and ask. Hoo boy this is actually proving to be a serious challenge to my bravery now that im going through with it. 
GT: Im getting a little hot under the collar here! 
GG: No, it’s ok… 
GG: Please continue! 
GT: Ok then. 
GT: What id like to know is… 
GT: Do you like me jane? 

And so, Jake succeeds in asking a question just about anyone would be nervous about. This is almost someone doing something right in this whole mess, but only almost.

GG: Uh. 
GG: Wait… 
GG: What? 
GT: I mean do you like me as more than a friend? 
GT: Do you envision us as like… 
GT: An item? A romantic pairing of sorts? 
GG: Wow, um. 
GT: Is that the direction in which you would prefer our relationship to progress? 
GG: Well, 
GG: I 
GT: Please! Be honest with me jane. 
GT: Just come out and say it. Do you fancy me? 
GG: No! 

This is the most blatant way possible to answer “no” to a question when you really mean yes. And yet, Jake totally takes Jane’s word for it. Roxy warned us that the guy is kind of mysterious and hard to understand, but it still comes as a shock how much he believes it. 

Also, just as many pages have their pesterlogs end with a wham line, the first page of this pesterlog ends with Jane saying “no”, which may feel like a slap in the face to those who absolutely despise the comic’s relationship drama, since it’s kind of presented in a similar way to important plot revelations.

GT: Please dont take this the wrong way but your answer is actually kind of a relief! 
GG: It is? 
GT: I consider you to be a lovely lady of the highest caliber and i really think any gent worth his salt would be a huge bozo to let the chance to go steady with you slip through his fingers. 
GT: Ive even given the possibility some thought myself. 
GG: You have? 
GT: Sure im only human jane im going to entertain lets say certain ideas. What ifs. You know? 
GT: Like what if we did meet up some day? And you asked me out or something. Im sure id say yes given all weve been through together and then well who knows? 

Here, the comic absolutely rubs Jane’s failure in our faces through Jake having zero filter and bringing up one of the infinitely many ways this could have gone better. As this bit demonstrates, just because a scene is darkly humorous doesn’t mean it isn’t still dark.

GG: You would?? 
GT: Probably but im kind of babbling here. The point is those are all just silly daydreams about stuff and about your feelings for me that i was projecting on you which werent even real. 

It’s even worse that Jake refers to his thoughts on Jane liking him as daydreams, almost as if those were his fantasies as well as hers.

In response to Jake rambling about Dirk (more on him monologuing about it a little later), we get this exchange:

GG: I think 
GG: That 
GT: What jane? 
GG: I think that it’s great if you are open to exploring those feelings.
GT: Thats really swell of you to say that. 
GT: Have i mentioned what a top notch friend you are jane? 
GG: Yes. 
GG: As a matter of fact you have. 

Earlier in the alpha kids’ story arc, Jane and Jake kept talking about how much they care about each other. But now this is totally deconstructed, with Jane giving a snarky response to such a remark.

After more rambling about Dirk:

GT: You are incredibly understanding jane. Thank you so much for listening. 
GT: I have never told anyone all that. Its so great to have a friend as good as you. 
GG: That is what I am good for, it seems! 

For some reason, Jake saying he has never told anyone all the stuff about considering a relationship with Dirk has no impact whatsoever, not like the other times characters say they never told anyone something. Instead it comes off as just more of his rambling, especially since Jane obviously would rather not listen to Jake talking about that stuff.

GT: If we hadnt cleared the air just now i probably never would have had the gumption to talk about it with you. 
GT: Its so cool how you were honest with me about how you felt. I think honesty is always the best policy. I cant believe how much i was overcomplicating all this in my head. 
GT: Haha the situation is really pretty funny when you think about it. 

Dramatic irony at its finest. The best thing about it is, it’s actual dramatic irony played completely straight, not any of the complicated stuff Dirk always talks about. But it works in that regard, due to how surprisingly thick-headed Jake is being.

GG: Screw it! 
GG: Ask him out. 
GG: Just kill the suspense already. 
GG: Become boyfriends and such. 
GG: Have some babies!!! 
GT: Whoa now! 
GT: Jane the decision to sire children with your best bro is not one to be taken lightly. 

You know Jane has lost it when Jake is being more sensible than how she is acting.

GG: Okay I think I have to go. 
GG: I have this stupid game to play. 
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] 

What a depressing note to end this pesterlog on. Thanks to all this bullshit, Jane is no longer enthusiastic about starting Sburb, which is the one thing in the alpha kids’ story arc that matters.

……

Holy shit I actually did it. I made it through what I’m tempted to call the worst part of Homestuck so far. I think I did it by skipping over 90% of Jake’s monologuing about Dirk and largely commenting on it as a whole, thereby making the conversation seem shorter than it really is.

TT: Here. 
GG: Get this shit out of my face. 
TT: But you need it. 
GG: Whatever. 
TT: Is something wrong? 
TT: What were you two talking about? 
GG: I don’t want to talk about it, and if I did, I sure wouldn’t want to talk about it with you! 
TT: Should I be offended, or apologetic right now? 
TT: Help me out. 
TT: You’re talkin’ to glasses here. 
GG: I just want to go to sleep and not wake up forever. 
TT: I think I’ll just put this card over here on the desk. 

Once again, the pesterlog about Sburb is brief, and it contrasts heavily against the one I started this post with. Here, Jane doesn’t want to do this thing anymore, meaning that relationship drama ruined everything.

OK this is a good stopping point. I was going to also cover the following pages focusing on the alpha kids’ Jack in this post but I’ve delayed this post long enough. What I did might actually be a better place to stop than what I was going to do because it starts with Jane enthusiastic about starting the game and ends with her not wanting to do it at all.

See you next time as the best character in Homestuck makes his debut.

>> Part 71: Rainbow Freefalls of Frivolous Banter

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