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Cookie Fonster Fondly Recalls Eurovision 2023 (Final): A Duel Between Jury and Televote Bait

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Intro Post

< 2023 Semifinals | 2023 Final | 2024 Semifinals >

With the release of this post, I’ve finished my original goal back when I started this blog post series! But now, I have one more year left to review. Be patient for my 2024 posts, OK?

Introduction

Liverpool, England got to host the final of a special edition of Eurovision, the first to be co-hosted by two countries. The presenters consisted of three women, the same ones who hosted the semifinal, plus one man who joined them for the final. We have British actress and TV host Hannah Waddingham (or as I like to call her, the British Petra Mede), British singer Alesha Dixon, Ukrainian singer Julia Sanina, and for the final, the BBC commentator for Eurovision who’s originally from Ireland: Graham Norton. His presence among the hosts parallels Terry Wogan in 1998, the last time Britain hosted. Terry and Graham both alternated between hosting and commentating, because for the Brits, Eurovision wouldn’t be what it is without a sarcastic Irishman in the commentator booth. While Terry Wogan commentated solo in 1998, Graham Norton alternated with one of the semifinal commentators, Mel Giedroyc. I’ll be watching their commentary for the grand final.

The postcards did something special this year: they showcased three landmarks in Ukraine, the United Kingdom, and the country about to participate that each had something in common, such as universities, opera houses, or botanical gardens. In the third country, we see the contestant performing an activity of their choice, and oh my god they’re so fun to watch. They’re my favorite Eurovision postcards of all time and I’ll discuss further why they’re so great in the general thoughts.

The final results were a battle between two strong competitors: Sweden’s song that was blatantly designed to be popular, and Finland’s song which naturally became an enormous fan favorite. Sweden won the jury vote with 340 points and Finland won the televote with 376 points, but despite Finland’s bigger televote score, Sweden earned their seventh victory. Finland’s fan favorite got second place, and third place was somehow a girl bop from Israel. I won’t even mention which country got last place. It breaks my heart too much.

Ah yes, I remember the opening film and act with its new arrangement of Stefania! The BBC tricked me into thinking every past contest would be as good as this, god dammit. And the early contests with their orchestral reprises of the last winner tricked me into thinking every contest would open with a lovely rearrangement of the past winner.

That was an absolutely perfect flag parade and intro with the hosts—I stayed engaged all the way through. I love the parade alternating between British pop hits and Ukrainian Eurovision entries—an admission that Eurovision is far more influential to the Ukrainian music industry than to the UK’s, but the British music industry is still nothing to scoff at—and I love the 2023 flag parade in general. And the hosts’ opening is perfect too, I love that they tied it in with an announcement that Luxembourg would return next year. Before too long, we get to the first song of the evening, which is…

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My initial thoughts on the German entry for Eurovision 2024

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I’m making a post dedicated to the German entry because it’s my country (at least in the Eurovision sense) and I’m salty about the choice. Defying my expectations and hopes, they went with “Always on the Run” by Isaak. It sounds like a 2010’s UK entry and you know how well those did.

It’s generic and beige radio pop with zero personality that sounds like something I’ve heard hundreds of times before and proves NDR has learned nothing. This is exactly the kind of song I wanted Germany to stop sending. The national final was overloaded with songs of this type so it was inevitable that would happen. Not a single one of these songs gripped me or inspired me, but I would have been at least somewhat happy if they sent one of the two German-language songs, because I feel very strongly that Germany needs to stop pretending their language doesn’t exist. But I’ve said that like a million times in my Eurovision blog post series.

I wrote some notes about the final on paper (listed in italics from here on out) and my ranking was: Undream You > Naiv > Oh Boy > Katze > Forever Strong > Tears Like Rain > Always on the Run > Scar > Love on a Budget. The German-language songs are bold.

  • “Undream You” is better than the rest because it has actual personality. It’s a sweet and delicate song and the singer feels the lyrics very much.
  • “Naiv” is the only song that has a clear German musical identity, aside from Germany’s tendency to send this bland radio pop. It would have continued the momentum of songs that sound recognizably German after “Blood & Glitter”.
  • “Oh Boy” is jury bait-y, a little like “Tout l’univers”, but it really feels anonymous when you get down to it.
  • “Katze” is silly fluff that takes too long to build up. It’s not as out there and futuristic as the singers seem to think it is, going by their monologue before the song.
  • “Forever Strong” is a decent effort and Max Mutzke is a great singer as ever, but it’s very ballady and I wish he sent one of his German-language songs.
  • The other four are completely forgettable radio pop.

Basically, the part of the national final that I enjoyed the most was the members of Lord of the Lost saying that even though they scored last place in 2023, they absolutely loved participating in Eurovision and it boosted their career. I think Chris Harms (the lead singer, whose last name I keep misspelling as Hams) said “Wir haben nichts verloren und alles gewonnen” (we lost nothing and won everything). He seems like such a nice guy and I respect him a lot. If you can speak German, maybe check out his reactions to the entries of Das Deutsche Finale; if not, I wrote a summary in English. He kept saying that none of them gave him goosebumps but tried his best to be polite and respectful.

Germany’s approach to Eurovision is completely broken. But if there’s one thing I learned from binging every Eurovision contest (I finished 2005 a few days ago), it’s that eventually a country will redeem itself. Think about how delighted everyone in Norway was when they won in 1985! Or when Turkey scored third place in 1997 after years of poor results, then won six years later. Still, I’m jealous of all those other countries that are sending a cool and exciting song this year.

One thing is for certain: when I’m this frustrated with my country’s approach to Eurovision, that’s how you know I have completed my transformation into a Eurovision fan. I wonder if it’s been amusing or annoying for friends of mine to witness the Eurofanification of cookiefonster.

Also I just got a ticket for Lord of the Lost’s concert in Malmö, during Eurovision week.