Intro Post

< 2013 Semifinals | 2013 Final | 2014 Semifinals >

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Introduction

“Good evening, my name is Petra Mede. And we just—”

crowd cheers

If you need proof SVT picked the perfect host for 2013, here it is. The fans absolutely adore her.

The final of Eurovision 2013 opened with the contest’s first ever flag parade. Set to a choir number composed by Avicii (rest in peace) and Björn and Benny, all 26 finalists walk across a bridge meant to represent the Öresund bridge that connects Copenhagen with the contest’s host city: Malmö. I’ll be crossing that bridge many times next month. The parade feels rather solemn compared to the flag parades of later years, a bit too much like that of a sports event rather than a zany song contest. Still, this grand final has an admirably efficient introduction, especially compared to some years.

Just like last time Eurovision was hosted in Sweden, Denmark won with a radio pop song, more specifically one that I’d argue is a good radio pop song. Now the second place and third place… this hurts because Greece should’ve been AT LEAST top three, but I’ll list them anyway. In second place came Azerbaijan with some pop song much worse than “Alcohol Is Free”, and in third place came Ukraine with another pop song that doesn’t hold a candle to “Alcohol Is Free”.

To alleviate my dread of going through all these radio pop songs, I’ll take a different approach when reviewing this final. I decided to watch all the songs with my Swedish friend Liv, the watch-through broken into three parts. She’s the same friend I mentioned a few times in my last post, and we’re both going to Malmö for Eurovision 2024. I took notes on our opinions on each song, so that it’ll be easy to transform those into proper reviews. We watched the show together with German commentary, then I watched it alone with British commentary.

One more fact worth noting: The full points from the jury and televote (both in the semifinals and final) aren’t publicly known this year. The reason why is simple: Azerbaijan cheated and the EBU added new anti-fraud rules the next year. The best we have is each country’s average rank, which is a bit annoying but we’ll make do with it.

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France: L’enfer et moi

Artist: Amandine Bourgeois

Language: French

Key: C♯ minor

I’m taking a downsized approach in reviewing most of these songs, because otherwise this post would take too long to write. I know myself: when I take a moment to downsize a project, it upsizes again a few installments later. Think of it like trimming a bush—it’s never good to let the branches grow too long.

France opens the final with some bluesy pop rock in French that gets shouty at the end. Unfortunately it didn’t benefit from being placed at the start; it only got 23rd place. I find it decent enough but not a standout, whereas it’s one of Liv’s absolute favorites this year. She ended the song saying “fuck, that was good”. I’ve decided in this post that if I can’t say much about a song, I won’t press myself to say something.

Lithuania: Something

Artist: Andrius Pojavis

Language: English

Key: F major

Ah yes, this is the one with the baffling janky lyrics. I know what he’s trying to sing, but it’s hard not to interpret him as being sad because he doesn’t like the brand of shoes he’s wearing, so it’s impossible to take this seriously. As a song this is dreary forgettable pop, so let’s just move on.

Moldova: O mie

Artist: Aliona Moon

Language: Romanian

Key: D minor, F minor

I’m glad this song is in Romanian, because otherwise it would be another middling pop ballad thing. The language sounds quite lovely in this song, that’s pretty much it. I’m not saying I dislike it or anything, it’s just not memorable aside from the language. That’s a recurring theme this year: most songs are pleasant to listen to but not something I’d go out of my way to revisit.

Finland: Marry Me

Artist: Krista Siegfrids, who my German-speaking brain thought was spelled Siegfrieds

Language: English

Key: F major

Now time for an exception to my fast and loose review style, because I’m obligated to go into detail on this one.

I would not be surprised if Krista Siegfrids was the loudest person in all of Finland. She’s the polar opposite of the stereotype that Finns are deadpan and serious. I recently watched a Finnish-language documentary with English subtitles about the making of Eurovision 2007 and noticed a difference between the native Finnish speakers and the Swedish speakers: the Swedish speakers were more upbeat and humorous, whereas the Finnish speakers were more serious. Krista is a native Swedish speaker, but even then, she is insanely loud. She’s put this energy to good use hosting the Finnish national final five times.

I’m not sure what my opinion on the song is overall. It’s very catchy for sure, but Erica is absolutely right about the lyrics: they describe an annoyingly toxic relationship, no matter if it’s gay or straight. It gets repetitive after not too long and probably didn’t need to last the full three minutes. The bridge where the beat is half as fast gives me the same vibe as a dubstep interlude, despite not being dubstep.

The short quick lesbian kiss at the end is totally tacky. Graham Norton is absolutely right that anyone who’s offended by the kiss needs to grow up. It’s not offensive at all, it’s just tacky regardless of whether it’s straight or gay. It’s every bit as tacky as the infamous Danish kiss from 1957. The kiss would be less weird if this wasn’t a proposal song from Krista to her boyfriend. It almost feels as though Krista Siegfrids saw the Danish kiss in the Eurovision history skit from semifinal 1, then an idea popped into her head. Yes, I know she had long planned this, and I know her intention was to protest in support of gay rights (particularly gay marriage in Finland), but if I didn’t know better I’d think it was an on-the-spot gag.

I’m obligated to mention that Turkey didn’t broadcast semifinal 2 and the grand final this year (ostensibly due to low ratings) and China censored the kiss when they broadcast this contest five months later. Krista Siegfrids was in semifinal 2, so I’m sure you can guess the real reason Turkey didn’t broadcast it.

Spain: Contigo hasta el final

Artist: El Sueño de Morfeo

Language: Spanish

Key: A♭ major

This is Liv’s favorite of the year, so it must really hurt her that this got second last place and essentially killed this band’s career. But this blog isn’t about my friend’s opinions, it’s about my opinions. I think this is one of the better songs of the night, but I don’t love it anywhere near as much as she does. But I do like the song’s buildup from melancholy to hopeful and I can see it growing on me. I also like that it goes back to being relaxed near the end, so the listener can reflect on the musical journey, then goes upbeat one last time. It deserved better than only eight points.

This band hails from the Canary Islands, which I always confuse with the Balearic Islands. It shows in the singer’s lack of a “th” sound: she pronounces “azul” as “asul”, like Latin Americans. Here’s how you know which is which: the Canary Islands belong to Spain, and the Balearic Islands belong to Germany.*

* (They don’t actually, but in spirit they’re the 17th Bundesland.)

Belgium: Love Kills

Artist: Roberto Bellarosa

Language: English

Key: D♭ major

It’s always refreshing when you and your friend both agree that a song is a snoozefest. Part of what’s great about watching Eurovision with a friend is, when a song is particularly sleep-inducing, you can have a hearty conversation over it. This is just a boring radio pop song with a pointless dubstep interlude.

I want to say at least one interesting thing about each song in this post, and luckily my conversation with Liv brought something to mind. Thanks to a former friend of hers, she finds it annoying when the backing dancers make gestures directly behind the lead singer and hopes to pass on that pet peeve to me. I have enough Eurovision pet peeves as is, but I suppose one more can’t hurt.

Estonia: Et uus saaks alguse

Artist: Birgit Õigemeel

Language: Estonian

Key: F major

Estonia sent two native-language ballads in a row, which brings back memories of the 1990’s. What’s annoying about this year is, even the native-language songs sound like regular radio pop for the most part. This sounds like the kind of song that would be played a lot on radio stations that have a native language quota, and indeed I’m told this was played all the time in Estonian radio.

I like this a little more than “Kuula”: it’s fairly sweet and I like the grayscale to color gimmick at the start, but it’s too safe and inoffensive to click with me. I could put this on the background without wanting to turn it off, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to revisit this. I’m also not a fan of the recent trope where the final chorus starts with an extra-long note as the instrumental goes silent. Spain did the same last year and it got on my nerves. The language representation is nice though. This has English, Russian, Spanish, and Swedish versions too, maybe I’ll listen to those some other time. Sorry Birgit, you should’ve recorded a German version and then I’d be interested. I showed Liv the Swedish version and she was very impressed by it.

Belarus: Solayoh

Artist: Alyona Lanskaya

Language: English

Key: E minor, F minor

This feels a little bit like a 2000’s dance bop entry and it’s got a fairly good Latin rhythm, but the thickly accented English, repetitive chorus, and cheesy key change all make it sour to me. It’s the kind of song where I hear the chorus once and think “yeah that’s enough”.

Malta: Tomorrow

Artist: Gianluca Bezzina

Language: English

Key: A major

This is an average inane pop song with a cheesy twee guitar, so I’m fortunate to have two interesting things to point out about it. First off, this is one of the few Eurovision songs where it actually works to see the lyrics on stage, because the visuals are creative and fun to watch. It makes for some nice eye candy, but not the sexy human type of eye candy.

Second is something Liv pointed out: she is ticked off by the cursive singing in this song, which is a term I had never heard of before. It turns out cursive singing refers to when singers pronounce vowels with strange exaggeration—a classic trope of Lena Meyer-Mandrut (I did it just the other daaaaaay). Liv told me she thinks Lena does cursive singing very well, but Gianluca doesn’t at all. I think it’s because this type of singing adds some quirky personality to Lena’s entries, but it doesn’t add anything to this song.

Wait, a third observation Liv pointed out: She’s annoyed that the backing dancers aren’t clapping to the beat of the snares and now I’m annoyed about that too.

Russia: What If

Artist: Dina Garipova

Language: English

Key: A major, C major

Now we begin Russia’s three-year peace anthem phase. This is so goddamn sappy and saccharine, and to think it was one year before Russia invaded Crimea. It’s objectively not bad to listen to, but it’s hollow and insincere. It’s absolutely hilarious to read the lyrics without hearing the song: they’re the vapid, emptiest “what if we all held hands” drivel. I fucking hate that this scored higher than Greece. The key change up three semitones annoys me because I just know it’s supposed to seem even more powerful than a standard cheesy key change, and it actually does sound extra-powerful but it’s the absolute cheapest way to do so.

Germany: Glorious

Artist: Cascada

Language: English

Key: G minor

German-language music still doesn’t exist! It is simply not a thing that Germans ever make, who in their right mind would think it does? I will keep repeating the phrase “German-language music doesn’t exist” on every German entry from here on out, because it’s an obviously true fact that is correctly demonstrated in Eurovision.

Cascada is best known for their memetic hit “Everytime We Touch” and other Eurodance songs, and they were widely expected to score well except they didn’t: only 21st place with 18 points. It’s basically a typical Eurodance anthem that some people think plagiarized “Euphoria”, which would be just as silly as plagiarizing a random-ass Belgian entry from the 1990’s. I don’t know why it flopped this year, but I also don’t really care.

Armenia: Lonely Planet

Artist: Dorians, whose song disappointingly isn’t in Dorian mode (Liv noticed that, not me)

Language: English

Key: B major, D♭ major

I don’t have anything to say about this average rock song, aside from the somewhat interesting drum rhythm. I thought this was the one with the incorrect clapping rhythm, but I reread my notes and it turns out that was Malta. I miss Armenia’s ethno-bops already.

Netherlands: Birds

Artist: Anouk Teeuwe

Language: English

Key: B♭ minor (verses), A major (chorus), D major (bridge), B major (final chorus)

I agree with every single word of Erica’s review of this song. The only words I’d change are “was not expecting” to “wouldn’t have expected”, and “we got called last” to “they got called last”, because I am not Dutch. I’m just as delighted as she is that the Netherlands ended their non-qualification streak this year, because as mentioned in my last post, I have a special fondness for the Dutch. Which is funny because I dislike this song just as much as she does. Now I’m starting to understand that Eurovision awakens not just your inner patriot, but also makes you root for countries that your own is close with, or perhaps countries that you know a good friend from.

Musically, this song is the equivalent of wine. I feel like I should like it and find it classy, but it’s unfocused and discordant and not at all fun to listen to. Very much like wine, which tastes gross and pungent and is a total assault on the mouth, yet some people think it’s cultured to like wine. I get the same mood listening to this song as I do from tasting wine: I just feel miserable and think there’s something wrong with myself for not liking it.

The lyrics are weird and confusing—yes, I’ve been told they’re about losing friends to suicide, but they just seem stilted for me. I don’t know why she has to repeat “birds falling down the rooftops, out of the sky like raindrops” twice in the final chorus. I genuinely think this is an awful song, but I’m so overjoyed for my Dutch neighbors regardless.

I kind of hate that this song is what broke the Netherlands’ non-qualification streak, and that it finished a respectable 9th place. Because now, when a country has a years-long slump, fans like to say “this country needs someone like Anouk to break their bad luck, remember how amazing Anouk was???” Whereas the Netherlands had a far better song next year that I love with all of my heart. I would’ve liked it so much more if “Calm After the Storm” broke the unlucky streak instead, so that fans would talk about how amazing the Common Linnets were. That said, I recognize that the Common Linnets wouldn’t have been willing to participate in Eurovision if it weren’t for Anouk, so I reluctantly thank her for ending this slump.

Romania: It’s My Life

Artist: Cezar (Florin Cezar Ouatu)

Language: English

Key: B minor, C minor

I’ve occasionally mentioned an introductory document to Eurovision in these posts, starting when I reviewed Dancing Lasha Tumbai. It was written by an Australian friend of mine who I thank/blame for getting me obsessed with Eurovision. Two entries from 2013 were featured as introductory songs in this document, and this is the first one. It gave me a pretty good idea of how campy Eurovision likes to get.

Maybe it’s due to nostalgia, since I first heard this song almost two years ago, but I don’t care how cheesy this song is, I fucking love it. It’s got the full package of Eurovision camp: cheesy rhymes like “love is so bright like a diamond in the night”, falsetto opera singing, weirdly dressed backing dancers, a rising stage gimmick, a gratuitous dubstep interlude, and finally a gloriously cheesy key change. The dubstep part and key change in particular, those both crack me up every single time.

Sometimes, you need to stop and think about how Eurovision went from a bunch of guys in suits and ladies in dresses singing orchestral chansons to, well… this. But if you remember my review of “De vogels van Holland” (a Dutch song that happens to be about birds), you’ll remember I said Eurovision has been whimsical from the very beginning. It’s just been different flavors of whimsical over the years.

United Kingdom: Believe in Me

Artist: Bonnie Tyler

Language: English

Key: G major

Part two of the UK sending already renowned names who have nothing to lose, so if they score low it won’t dent their career. My notes say this is a dull snoozefest of a song. Liv agrees but has something additional to say about it: she says it could have been good if Bonnie had sung it in her prime. I think I agree with her.

Sweden: You

Artist: Robin Stjernberg

Language: English

Key: F♯ major

This year has many corporate-sounding radio pop songs, but in terms of corporateness, this is head and shoulders above the rest. I find this song disappointing because host entries are best when they showcase a different side of the country’s music from the previous winner. “When Spirits Are Calling My Name” from 2000, itself a Swedish entry, is a perfect example.

This on the other hand sounds like the most cliched obnoxious radio pop hit in the history of the world, exactly the kind you’d see in a corporate advertisement. Liv says this sounds like an ad for an oil company that’s trying to convince us they’re helping the environment, and I wish I had come up with that hilarious analogy.

I should also mention this is one of the most controversial Melodifestivalen winners. Liv said “let’s get Sweden over with” when we got to this song, then she showed me a recap of Melodifestivalen 2013 and ranted that the year was filled with amazing songs but all the good stuff didn’t make it to the finals. I got pissed watching the recap too, because so many of these are exactly the kinds of songs I wish Sweden would send.

Hungary: Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)

Artist: ByeAlex (Alex Márta)

Language: Hungarian

Key: C major

How many goddamn times is this guy going to say “kedvesem”? That really spoils what would otherwise be a decent understated guitar tune. It’s nice to hear a slow relaxed song in Hungarian, much like we did in 1994, but stop fucking saying kedvesem.

I should also mention that ByeAlex wanted to sing the final chorus of this song in Swedish in the grand final, but he wasn’t allowed to. I’m guessing the EBU was unhappy that Sibel Tüzün changed her song’s language in the 2006 final and decided not to allow that again. There is a mixed Hungarian/Swedish version available and the Swedish parts sound quite nice, perhaps because he doesn’t repeat “kedvesem” so often. ByeAlex has performed this song live before, which suggests he really badly wanted to sing it in Swedish.

Denmark: Only Teardrops (the winner)

Artist: Emmelie de Forest

Language: English

Key: C major

In her review of Eurovision 1991, Erica made an excellent point about Eurovision winners. In her own words, “for all that Eurovision can be incredibly out there, when it comes to the winners it’s a case of ordinary prevails.” One of the absolute best examples is this song.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like this song and if I ranked all of this year, it would probably fall around third place. It has a nice tin whistle and a rousing chorus, and the breathy singing is a bit annoying but not that intrusive. The lyrics are about hoping the world would stop fighting and it’s staged well too. I’m OK with it winning, but only because if they really had to choose a normal accessible song, then this the best option.

I consider this to be the “oh yeah, that one” of 2010’s winners because there’s not that much controversial about it, but it’s not typically viewed as exceptionally good. It has its fans for sure, but it’s not as renowned as the winners of 2010, 2012, or 2019; not as divisive as the winner of 2011; not as gimmicky as those of 2015 and 2018; and doesn’t have a complex story behind it like 2014 or 2016. And obviously “Amar pelos dois” from 2017 can’t be the “oh yeah, that one” winner, because it was such a huge moment for Portugal to finally win. Given all the bad luck Portugal had to deal with, it feels unreal to remember they did eventually win.

Iceland: Ég á líf

Artist: Eyþór Ingi Gunnlaugsson, who looks like a proto-Sam Ryder

Language: Icelandic, for the first time in 16 years

Key: A major, B major

Welcome back, the Icelandic language! We last heard you in 1997 and you’re sounding as goofy and quirky as ever. Sorry to any Icelanders reading this who thinks their language sounds normal—I’ve heard so much Swedish lately (and to a lesser extent, its two sister languages) that Icelandic sounds very silly now.

I’m delighted by the language representation in this song. You really get acquainted with the sound of Icelandic in three minutes, with all the “th” sounds and gratuitous H’s. It’s a sweet ballad with a nice memorable melody, but it’s still a ballad so not quite my kind of song. I’m not a fan of the key change, but at least it’s not at the most obvious point.

Azerbaijan: Hold Me

Artist: Farid Mammadov

Language: English

Key: B♭ minor

Ugh is all I can say about Azerbaijan’s voting scandals this year, and the fact that this got second place. At least it didn’t win, I guess. I’m glad that Azerbaijan is no longer cheating in Eurovision as far as I’m aware, and that they’re now sending local composers.

Anyway, this is an average well-produced pop ballad with a mirror staging gimmick intended to make people remember which one it is, and it succeeds in that manner. But it’s also very manufactured and plastic and did NOT deserve second place. I’m not mad at Denmark for winning, but I am mad at the second through fifth places for surpassing Greece. Also, another lame key change.

Greece: Alcohol Is Free

Artist: Koza Mostra featuring Agathon Iakovidis (who died in 2020)

Language: Greek, plus the title repeated in English

Key: D minor

In my heart, this is the real winner of 2013. It is Erica Dakin’s favorite Eurovision song of all time which proves she has good taste. It’s another song featured in the introductory document I mentioned earlier, and boy is it an absolute doozy.

Greece’s entries this era reflect their infamous economic crisis, but not in the sense that they purposely sent bad songs. Instead, some of their 2010’s entries are about the economic crisis, such as this one. The lyrics tell an allegorical tale of a ship losing track because the people steering it are drunk and have no idea what they’re doing. I’ve read from YouTube comments that it’s a perfect example of Greek humor, and that seems true but I’m not Greek so I’m sure I’m missing some cultural references.

Erica mentioned many things I love about this song: the mournful bouzouki intro, the way it launches into a hectic ska song that still sounds authentically Greek, the contrast between the exuberant members of Koza Mostra and serious Agathon on his bouzukelele (a word she invented). Indeed, when you love a song this much, all the little details in its composition and performance pop out to you.

I’d like to add a few more details about this song that pop out to me. I love that the performers all are in slow motion during the intro, then launch into their exuberant energy while Agathon looks serious in the center. I love the little drum fills that keep the song exciting, and the bridge section where the lights turn off. And those melodies, oh my god, they’re so amazingly well-written! They’re way too fast for me to sing along to, especially as someone who doesn’t know any Greek, so I hum them to myself instead (except “alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free”). It lifts my mood to hum these melodies, since they rise up and down and the other musical elements play in my head just by singing them.

The composition of this song is absolutely genius. If you listen to this enough times, you’ll notice that the melody in the intro is the same as that of the second chorus, which is super clever. And I love the way “alcohol, alcohol, alcohol is free” interacts with the bouzouki melody in the final chorus, as though the whole song is coming together. It revisits musical elements to just the right degree while doing new things with each of them.

This song is indeed absolutely perfect, both as a composition and performance. I’m not mad it didn’t win, but I am PISSED it only managed sixth place. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE TOP THREE AT LEAST! I get that normal accessible songs are the ones that win, but usually the extreme televote bait at least reaches the top five! “Dancing Lasha Tumbai”, “Party for Everybody”, and “Cha Cha Cha” are televote bait songs and they all reached second place. “Shum” is also extremely televote friendly and reached fifth place, which is still awesome because Eurovision 2021 was insanely competitive. This song, on the other hand, has no excuse to reach sixth place. As Erica says, “its sixth place is a fucking joke because it’s way better than sixth.” I blame the juries, who ranked it 14th place because they had no taste. The televoters gave it a more respectable fourth, but even then, GREECE WAS FUCKING ROBBED!

Ukraine: Gravity

Artist: Zlata Ognevich

Language: English

Key: A minor, C minor (verse 1), G minor, B♭ minor (chorus 1), C♯ minor (verse 2), G♯ minor, B minor (chorus 2), E minor, G minor, B♭ minor (final chorus). That was a doozy, but at least I didn’t have to list timestamps.

To rub salt in the wound, Greece is sandwiched by the second and third place of this year, as if to remind me that anyone who likes “Alcohol Is Free” is a weird hipster and true Eurovision fans prefer radio pop songs in English. I actually somewhat like this song, with its rousing melodies and rhythm of the synth chords, but is it better than Greece? Hell fucking no. I think gimmicky staging was a free ticket to the top five this year.

Actually, now that I think of it, I’m not as mad about this surpassing Greece than I am about Azerbaijan, Norway, or Russia. It flits between many keys in a way that feels rousing and exploratory, instead of unfocused. But I am still mad this surpassed Greece. I would’ve been less mad if the top three was Denmark, Ukraine, and Greece.

Italy: L’essenziale

Artist: Marco Mengoni

Language: Italian

Key: A♭ major, A major, B major

Time for our first 21st-century Italian male ballad, a genre that’s never managed to click with me and this is no exception. They’re just regular power ballads with an Italian lyrical rhythm over it. Marco Mengoni has a nice suit and sings it well (in a more subdued way than “Due vite”, his follow-up entry from 2023), but this isn’t my kind of song.

Norway: I Feed You My Love

Artist: Margaret Berger

Language: English

Key: B minor

This is an alright dark techno song, a little Depeche Mode-esque I’m told, but I’m afraid I don’t have strong feelings for it either way. I really don’t see why this scored better than Greece, at fourth place. I will say, the sound design of the synths is modern and forward thinking.

Georgia: Waterfall

Artist: Nodiko Tatishvili and Sopho Gelovani

Language: English

Key: D major, E♭ major

This is a dreary soppy swedo-pop ballad composed by Thomas G:son himself, out of character for Georgia and extremely not my kind of song. The juries kissed this song’s ass in the semifinal (5th place), and somewhat in the final (13th place), because they hate all things fun. And this has the exact same annoying long note trope I discussed in Estonia’s song, complete with a cheesy key change.

Ireland: Only Love Survives

Artist: Ryan Dolan

Language: English

Key: B minor

Is this year the first time the song performed last scored last place? I don’t know, I’m too lazy to check. It’s a shame the grand final ends with something so forgettable, but then again I find most songs this year forgettable. It’s a boring dance pop song and I can never remember how it sounds.

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Who’s my favorite?

Easy, it’s Greece, Alcohol Is Free by a landslide. It’s a peak Eurovision banger and anyone who doesn’t like it should be ashamed of themselves. I was hoping this year would have some strong contenders against Greece, but nothing else comes close. Welcome Greece to my list of winners at long last!

• Belgium, 2 (1976, 2003)
• Bosnia and Herzegovina, 1 (2006)
• Denmark, 3 (1963, 2000, 2001)
• Estonia, 1 (2009)
• Finland, 3 (1968, 1983, 1989)
• France, 3 (1977, 1990, 1991)
• Germany, 4 (1956, 1979, 1982, 1999)
• Greece, 1 (2013)
• Hungary, 1 (2005)
• Iceland, 1 (1992)
• Ireland, 4 (1970, 1980, 1993, 1994)
• Israel, 1 (1987)
• Italy, 1 (1958)
• Latvia, 1 (2002)
• Luxembourg, 4 (1961, 1965, 1972, 1988)
• Netherlands, 7 (1957, 1959, 1964, 1967, 1969, 1975, 1998)
• Norway, 5 (1960, 1966, 1973, 1985, 1995)
• Portugal, 3 (1971, 1984, 2008)
• Serbia, 3 (2004, 2011, 2012)
• Sweden, 2 (1974, 1996)
• Switzerland, 1 (1986)
• Turkey, 3 (1978, 1997, 2010)
• Ukraine, 1 (2007)
• United Kingdom, 2 (1962, 1981)
• (20 winners)

The only song that deserves an honorable mention this time is Greece’s northern neighbor Bulgaria. They were one of few countries to do something different, and the only song that’s even half as good as Greece. They sadly didn’t reach the grand final.

General thoughts:

While Eurovision 2011 and 2012 had lots of songs that actively annoy me, or are dull in an annoying way, 2013 is one of those years where most countries played it way too safe. This year felt like a radio pop fest much like the grayscale years were chanson fests, but there were a few lucky outliers like Greece. Shame the countries that did something different weren’t rewarded this year. That’s why I took a fast and loose approach reviewing this year: I never know how radio pop song #1 is different from radio pop song #2, so I breezed through them all.

Now let’s talk about what really matters: Petra Mede. Her style of hosting is completely different from any other presenter we’ve seen. She’s not just a random TV host or singer hired to present Eurovision. She puts on the persona of a quirky, comedic song contest host that is specifically tailored for Eurovision, and she stays in character all the way through! She makes a few slips of the tongue but bounces back like it’s no big deal. Putting on a persona like this takes some real talent. I hope the next few host broadcasters take notes from SVT—they showed us the right way to present Eurovision.

The entire contest beamed with Swedish humor, and in no place is this clearer than the interval act. Technically there were three interval acts in the final, but two of them were just song performances to fill time. The Swedish Smorgasbord song, on the other hand, I consider the interval act of Eurovision 2013. It’s a playful satirical song written by Edward af Sillén and sung by Petra Mede jam-packed with cultural references and puns, very much like the musical numbers we hear in Melodifestivalen but adapted into English. SVT saved the best interval act for the grand final and I admire that. The performance even seamlessly mixes in some classic interval act-style Swedish folk dancing.

Liv told me that anyone who praised the hosting this year has repressed that Eric Saade’s green room hosting ever happened. I cannot blame her one bit because that guy is annoying as fuck.

The voting was pretty boring since I don’t care about most of the songs, but it was hilariously weird seeing former Yugoslav countries not vote for each other (because none of them qualified). It was also funny hearing the spokespersons try to pronounce Malmö. A few of them said something in Swedish, and Liv has done me the favor of translating them (she’s a damn good translator):

• San Marino: Our dearest greetings to all of you in Malmö.
• Israel: Good evening Malmö, thanks for a fantastic show. Sweden really knows what they’re doing when it comes to hosting the Eurovision Song Contest.* To quote ABBA: thank you for the music. (Petra looked impressed.)
• Estonia: Good evening, Petra. I have to tell you that you look absolutely wonderful tonight. (Petra: Oh, thank you dear Rolf, and you have a pretty name.)
• North Macedonia: Good evening Sweden. Petra, thank you for the fantastic entertainment. You have done a really good job.
• Cyprus: Hi Petra, good evening from Cyprus. Thanks for a fantastic show.
• Switzerland: Good evening Petra, good evening Malmö, thanks for this evening’s show.

* In Swedish it’s normally called the “Eurovision Song Contest”, but he translated it as “Eurovisionsschlagerfestival”.

This year, the winner was announced as soon as it was impossible for any country to surpass her, which was when all but four countries voted. I assume this was done to save time: the same was done in 2014 and 2015. The voting overhaul in 2016 (each country’s jury, then each country’s total televote points) made this unnecessary.

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See you next time as Eurovision crosses to the other side of the Øresund bridge.

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