Intro Post

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Introduction

Whenever Sweden hosts Eurovision, it never takes long for them to decide on an arena. The big three cities (Stockholm, Gothenburg, and Malmö) all compete to host, a few other cities sometimes throw their hat in but never stand a serious chance, and most of the arenas are eliminated due to sports schedule conflicts. For Eurovision 2013, the winning building was a place I will be inside in less than a month: the Malmö Arena.

Inside the arena, we find 39 countries competing for the grand prize, directed by the most beloved host in Eurovision history. Say hello to our lord and savior Petra Mede (be sure to roll the R). That’s right: after all those three-host years, Sweden picked the first solo presenter since 1995. I could not be more thankful. Petra is the absolute perfect Eurovision host and I can see why she was brought back for 2016 and 2024. If she was a My Little Pony character, her cutie mark* would be the Eurovision trophy. She shares the honor of hosting multiple Eurovision contests with two other hosts: Katie Boyle (1960, 1963, 1968, 1974) and Jacqueline Joubert (1959, 1961).

Armenia returned to Eurovision after skipping 2012, while four countries chose not to return: Bosnia and Herzegovina, Portugal, Slovakia, and Turkey. Portugal came back the next year, but we won’t see any more of the other three countries, except one last Bosnian entry in 2016. Eurovision came damn close to featuring a complete map of Europe, but for the foreseeable future that ship has sailed.

One change this year that I am very happy about is that the running order is no longer random! As I’ve mentioned way too many times, randomized song order will inevitably lead to strange coincidences and annoyances, like too many dance pop songs in a row or a ballad unfittingly placed at the start, so this is a very welcome change. Also, this is the first year where viewers could vote using the Eurovision mobile app.

I watched the first semifinal with Swedish commentary, and the second with Norwegian commentary. That’s because a friend of mine provided both videos in HD. This will be an adorably tiny post, covering only 13 songs.

* Colloquially known as a “butt tattoo”. It indicates a pony’s special talent.

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Austria: Shine

Artist: Natália Kelly

Language: English

Key: B minor, C♯ minor

Edward af Sillén was busy directing the contest this year, so the substitute Swedish commentator is Josefine Sundström. A Swedish friend of mine (who sent me these video files in HD) described her as a “boring-ass radio host” at first, but then backpedaled and said she was “deadpan and completely hilarious”. Turns out the boring host was the commentator of 2016. I’ll have to rely on that friend for any memorable commentator lines.

If you’re wondering why Natália’s name has an accent in it, I think it’s because her mother is Brazilian. Spanish and Portuguese both use accents to indicate the stress of syllables, but their systems are slightly different. In Spanish, “Natalia” has stress on the second A, but in Portuguese “Natalia” would have stress on the I instead, which is why it’s spelled Natália. And in Spanish, if Natalia had stress on the I it would be spelled Natalía.

Anyway, the first semifinal of Eurovision 2013 opens with a bog standard pop song with no distinguishing features, other than a fairly good voice and a poorly executed key change.

Slovenia: Straight into Love

Artist: Hannah Mancini

Language: English

Key: B minor

The Swedish commentator mentioned that Slovenia was almost not going to compete in Eurovision 2013 due to financial concerns, but they decided last minute to send an American singer who lives in Slovenia. The EBU must have been so relieved about this!

Right at the start, this song slams you in the face with shameless early 2010’s dubstep. The rest is regular dance pop with some tinge of dubstep. I’m starting to see why people my parents’ age look down on cheesy 1980’s synth pop, because I feel exactly the same about dance pop from 30 years later. It is just so goddamn tacky.

Croatia: Mižerja

Artist: Klapa s Mora

Language: Serbo-Croatian (Croatian)

Key: F♯ major

Sadly none of former Yugoslavia made it to the grand final this year. Five former Yugoslav republics participated in 2013, which means that five of twelve songs in this post are from this region. Imagine if all of these countries had “Former Yugoslav Republic” in their official names. The Former Yugoslav Republic of Slovenia, the Former Yugoslav Republic of Croatia, and so on. Montenegro could also be the Former Serbia and Montenegro Republic of Montenegro.

Croatia went traditional again this year and sent a Balkan choir. These guys have nice harmonies and costumes and it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but it’s nowhere near something I want to keep. Maybe because as a composition it’s pretty safe and standard. The most interesting thing about the song is that it’s in the Chakavian regional dialect.

Montenegro: Igranka (Игранка)

Artist: Who See featuring Nina Žižić

Language: Serbo-Croatian (Montenegrin)

Key: G minor

Every Eurovision fan knows about “Euro Neuro”, but most fans forget that Montenegro doubled down the next year and sent something just as bonkers… or maybe 80% as bonkers. It’s a duo of rapping astronauts plus a shouty female singer over a hectic exaggerated dubstep beat. I had thought I already knew all the bizarro joke entries by this point, but it turns out a few had slipped under my radar, like this one.

This, people, is a country that truly does not want to win Eurovision. You can theorize all you want about a country sending something weak because they want to avoid winning, but if a country truly wants to eschew and wants to participate anyway, they’ll internally select the absolute weirdest shit. I almost want more of the countries that are struggling to pay the money to go complete bonkers, but then we’d repeat the headache that was Eurovision 2008.

Anyway, this song is fucking hilarious and if you think otherwise you’re wrong. The funniest part of the song is not the goofy rapping or astronaut suits, but the absurd over the top dubstep beat. Dubstep in general is extremely funny to me, because it was trendy for a few years when I was a teenager, but then it abruptly stopped being cool. And I know we’ll have even more gratuitous dubstep to come…

Although the lyrics of this song are about a dance party where money is of no concern, in the context of Eurovision this and “Euro Neuro” have a totally different message. Montenegro is telling viewers that they’re short on money and would not be able to host Eurovision, so they best they can do is showcase their shitposty Balkan humor. There were four former Yugoslav countries in this semifinal and they voted for each other as usual, but none of them qualified. This did get a respectable 41 points (12th place), with even twelve points from Serbia.

Cyprus: An me thimáse (Aν με θυμάσαι)

Artist: Despina Olympiou

Language: Greek

Key: C major, D major

I hear a lot of mentions of economy and financial crisis from this Swedish commentator. It’s clear that the financial crisis has dented the participant map of Eurovision, and it unfortunately hasn’t recovered. Turkey and Hungary refuse to participate in a gay event, half the Balkans don’t have the funds, Slovakia never built the spark of interest, and Russia and Belarus are banned. These days, our best hope in expanding the attendance list lies in the microstates. We got Luxembourg back in 2024 and Monaco may well be next.

Yay to Cyprus for singing in Greek, but boo for singing a sappy romance ballad. Not just that, but a sappy ballad with a cheesy key change, like we’re in Eurovision 1994 all over again. I’m sure this year is a delight for fans of native-language ballads, but come on, give me some native-language ethno-bops instead! Luckily, the other Greek-language song this year will be much better.

It’s a little fitting that I compare this year to Eurovision 1994, because while 1994 is best known as the Riverdance year, 2013 is arguably best known as the first year with Petra.

Serbia: Ljubav je svuda

Artist: Moje 3

Language: Serbo-Croatian (Serbian)

Key: D minor

Strangely enough, the former Yugoslav countries weren’t all in the same pot this year—that’s why we got four of them in one semifinal. Slovenia was put in a pot with Austria, Hungary, Romania, Moldova, and San Marino, whereas the other former Yugoslav countries were grouped with Switzerland and Albania. It would’ve made more sense to swap Switzerland with Slovenia, but despite the abundance of neighborly voting, none of former Yugoslavia qualified.

I think I’m getting better at understanding the Scandinavian languages, particularly Swedish. I caught the Swedish commentator saying that one of the girls from Moje 3 (Nevena Božović) is the first Eurovision contestant to have competed in Junior Eurovision, where she scored third place in 2007. Though we also had a Junior Eurovision singer in the backing for Poland in 2010. Unfortunately, in Eurovision these girls got a less glamorous prize, the Barbara Dex Award. Luckily Nevena got a second chance in Eurovision 2019 and made it to the final.

This song brings back memories of a 1997 entry I almost forgot existed: “Probudi me” from Croatia. In both cases, a former Yugoslav country that ordinarily sent strong competitive entries mysteriously broke character, and sent a cheesy girl pop song anchored in its era with hideous outfits that look randomly generated and an overcomplicated dance routine. The difference is that Croatia didn’t win the Barbara Dex Award in 1997, but Serbia this year did. And this song ends abruptly because who needs proper endings, am I right?

Semifinal 1 thoughts:

I kept pausing during the children’s choir rendition of “Euphoria” at the start, but once Petra Mede made her dramatic entrance, I was completely immersed in the show. Her jokes make me laugh so hard and her diction is perfect in both English and French. Petra had previously hosted Melodifestivalen 2009, so she has some experience hosting song contests. She pulls it off so well in three languages: Swedish in Melodifestivalen, English and French in Eurovision! That’s a true polyglot to me. For me, being a polyglot is not about how many languages you speak, but how fluently you can express yourself in each of them. Perfect fluency in (let’s say) only English and Spanish is more impressive than natively speaking English and knowing a scattered amount of five other languages from school and Duolingo.

The opening act felt like “in case anyone arrives ten minutes late, we’ll pad out the show” and the interval act is some kind of techno dance number that feels like “if you need to go to the bathroom or grab a snack, now’s the time”. Those are both fair I suppose, but tedious to those binging Eurovision years later. Still, I can see why SVT didn’t make those parts too exciting. Imagine a poor soul who had to poop while watching Eurovision 1994 and missed the entirety of Riverdance!

Anyway, about the songs: most in this semifinal were average and inoffensive pop, even the native-language ones. I’m very happy we finally see all the names of the competitor countries during the qualifier reveals! The contest should’ve done this since 2004, but better late than never. Denmark’s qualifier reveal made me happy, but the one that made me cheer the loudest is the Netherlands. Not because I like the song (I don’t at all), but because the Netherlands had dealt with such an unlucky streak. I’m filled with joy that the Netherlands qualified, as though this were my own country. Maybe neighborly joy got the better of me—I’ve always had a fondness for the Dutch. They’re direct and honest, they’re damn good at learning languages, and their own language is adorable.

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Latvia: Here We Go

Artist: PeR (Please Explain the Rhythm)

Language: English

Key: C major

Jeez, how many times are these guys going to shout “make some noise”, or sing “here we go”? This is a bunch of repetitive rap dance pop with only one chord progression, like the upbeat intro to a movie stretched for three minutes. I suppose it’s a suitable opener, but it’s also an unsurprising last place. Oh god, this also has a gratuitous dubstep interlude. This must be the year where all countries are getting dubstep out of their systems, like 2008 with campy joke entries, 1999 to 2001 with Eurodance, and 1986 to 1989 with tacky 80’s outfits.

San Marino: Crisalide (Vola)

Artist: Valentina Monetta, returning from 2012

Language: Italian

Key: E♭ minor, E minor, F minor

The postcard briefly gave me an urge to visit San Marino, impressive for such a tiny country. They made it look incredibly appealing with all those views from mountains and streets with bars. This year’s postcards are focused entirely on the participating countries, a change of pace from last year’s indulgent showcases of Azerbaijan.

The first half of this song is an Italian ballad in 6/8 time with freeform singing, and it’s actually quite decent, better than any previous San Marino entry. But in the second half it turns into a Eurodance song signified by a costume change, then my enjoyment decreases. Then we get two key changes in the dance section for some fucking reason. Yes, two key changes. I thought we were long done with that, but this was composed by the old fart named Ralph Siegel. I love some of Siegel’s Eurovision songs (particularly Dschinghis Khan) but I think he composed more entries that annoy me.

North Macedonia: Pred sa de razdeni (Пред да се раздени)

Artist: Esma Redžepova (who died in 2016) and Vlatko Lozanoski

Language: Macedonian and Romani

Key: G minor

The Macedonian sections (sung by Vlatko) sound like typical dance pop in a Slavic language, whereas the Romani sections (sung by Esma) sound more like an ethno-bop which I like better. This could’ve been one of my favorites if it was a full ethno-bop, but as it stands it’s merely one of the more pleasant songs. I get the feeling we won’t hear ethno-bops much these next few years, especially because Turkey quit the contest. Ah well, at least we still have pre-Swedification Greece for a few more years. I’m happy we’re now beyond the Swedification era of Greece, because “Zari” in 2024 is exactly the Greek-language banger I never knew I wanted.

Bulgaria: Samo shampioni (Само шампиони)

Artist: Elitsa Todorova and Stoyan Yankoulov, the duo returning from 2007

Language: Bulgarian, plus “one, two, three, four” in English

Key: A minor, then E minor in the bridge, then back to A minor

After hearing the last few qualifiers, which were mostly boring, I was starting to lose my patience with this year. Then I saw Bulgaria was sending the same duo who sang “Water” from 2007 and I thought to myself, “ugh, fine, I guess I’ll review this next, at least Greece isn’t far away”. I was so pleasantly surprised! I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a hell of a lot better than “Water”… can I?

I had described “Water” as a Bulgarian counterpart to “Quién maneja mi barca”. This, on the other hand, is more like a Bulgarian counterpart to “Shum”. Why did this score so much worse than Elitsa and Stoyan’s last entry, and why is it so much less popular? This is way more melodic than “Water” and way more musically varied. It starts with a quick drum intro, then slams you in the face with a bagpipe and white voice singing done so much better than last time. This has a properly haunting and harmonious style of singing, it has awesome drum solos, and it has a fucking bagpipe! Even the bits of dubstep are fine by me because they’re subtle. It packs so many musical ideas into three minutes and takes you on a wild ride through Bulgarian folktronica. I surprisingly like the warbly singing in the bridge, perhaps because she doesn’t go over the top waily.

Holy shit Bulgaria, I need to process this. I was starting to think this country would never send a song to Eurovision that clicks with me, but they went ahead and proved me wrong. I was not expecting to like this song at all, so this really threw me for a loop. I am pissed off this song didn’t qualify, but I’m also glad that this year has a non-qualifier I’m pissed about, because otherwise this post would be boring. I need to find a song to take out my anger on that this didn’t make it through… how about Malta?

This song scored sixth place in the televote and last place with the jury, LAST PLACE WAIT WHAT? Well OK, we don’t actually know the jury and televote points this year. The best we have is the average ranks, so this might not actually have been the juries’ last place. Still, considering 2007 was entirely a televote year, it sort of makes sense that Bulgaria did so much better then. The juries were averse to ethno-bops this year. I think my opinions on “Water” and “Samo shampioni” are the inverse of most fans.

Israel: Rak Bishvilo (רק בשבילו)

Artist: Moran Mazor

Language: Hebrew

Key: E♭ minor, F minor

This is the most recent Eurovision song to be entirely in Hebrew, just so you know. Starting from 2015 Israel has mostly abandoned representing their language, except in a handful of phrases sprinkled in. I agree with Erica, this seems like the kind of power ballad that viewers would be obsessed over so I’m surprised this didn’t qualify. This absolutely doesn’t click with me though. It’s the kind of song where I wait for it to be over, and the key change made me groan.

Albania: Identitet

Artist: Adrian Lulgjuraj and Bledar Sejko

Language: Albanian

Key: B major

When listening to this song, it took me a while to decide that this was in B major. Large portions of this song could just as well be interpreted as major or minor, like the musical equivalent of tiptoeing around calling someone “he” or “she”. It’s a decent piece of Albanian rock and I slightly think it deserved to qualify, but nothing about it really grips me. It has a cool guitar solo but lacks memorable hooks.

Switzerland: You and Me

Artist: Takasa, a band of Swiss Salvation Army soldiers ranging from 22 to 95 years old

Language: English

Key: G♯ minor

After the UK sent a grandpa and Russia sent grandmas last year, Switzerland sent a group with a 95-year old member as if to say, “bet you can’t top that!” Emil Ramsauer was the oldest member of the group and died in 2021, at 103 years old.

Speaking of old people, I’m starting to embrace the absurd frequency of Lys Assia being dragged into Eurovision. Petra Mede interviewed her before Albania’s song began and it’s clear that she still loves Eurovision over 50 years later, which is rather sweet. She even competed in the Swiss national selection for 2012, I forgot to mention that last time. I wonder if Eurovision 2018 will do anything to pay tribute to her?

This is just a mediocre rock song with a strange assortment of instruments on stage: timpani, trombone, string bass, and electric guitar. The song does have a timpani and trumpet, but it’s mainly built around regular brass instruments. It’s one of those songs known for a trivia point and nothing else.

Semifinal 2 thoughts:

Lately a Swedish friend of mine has been teaching about the history behind Melodifestivalen and the contest’s extravagant self-deprecatory sense of humor. She’s been showing me clips of the contest and translating them to English live for me. It’s abundantly clear that Eurovision 2013 inherits the same sense of humor, but toned down for international audience.

All the skits and jokes this year are genuinely funny. There aren’t just a few good jokes and a few cheesy jokes, the entire presentation this year has the perfect humor to make a Eurovision nerd like me explode in laughter. I’ve seen the skit recapping Eurovision history before, I believe when I was early in this blog post series, but it’s ten times funnier now that I’ve seen every previous contest.

The interval act is just four regular swedo-pop songs in English, pretty disappointing. I think SVT structured the show so that people could go to the bathroom during the interval acts and not miss much, which is logical but disappointing. Everything else about this year’s presentation has been stellar. The host interludes and skits all keep my attention perfectly. How can you not love Petra worming her way into old Eurovision performances with appropriate attire, or the completely real and official EBU spokesperson, Lynda Woodruff? Though I’m told Swedish fans eventually got tired of seeing Lynda so much in Melodifestivalen and Eurovision.

I’m somewhat happy Iceland qualified due to the language representation, but the only qualifier that made me scream “YES!” was the last one: Greece. It was a gut punch when Malta was revealed as the ninth qualifier, because that meant Bulgaria and Greece couldn’t have both made it through. “Alcohol Is Free” from Greece is one of those Eurovision entries that make me scream in excitement whenever it’s brought up. I can’t wait to analyze it in depth. I’m sad Bulgaria didn’t qualify, since that was the first entry of theirs that clicks with me, but the rest I won’t miss.

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See you next time for the greatest Greek entry of all time.

>> 2013 (Final): The Year of Gratuitous Dubstep Drops