Intro Post

< 2017 Semifinals | 2017 Final | 2018 Semifinals >

---

Introduction

Hosted in Kyiv, Ukraine, the usual 26 countries battled to see who would be the winner of Eurovision 2017. We start with an opening film showcasing life in Ukraine, then a flag parade that sadly didn’t have physical flags, but instead stylized flags projected onto the LED screen. The flag parade did something unusual reminiscent of the Olympics: Ukraine, the host country, was put last, for the only ever time as far as I’m aware. The Olympics’ flag parades always start with Greece, so I think if we’re going this route, the Eurovision flag parades could start with Switzerland. But then again, that would mean Switzerland would have to qualify every year, and it makes more sense to list the countries in running order anyway.

The top three this year consisted entirely of countries who had never achieved podium places before. Moldova scored third place with a sequel to their Internet meme entry, “Run Away”. Bulgaria scored second place with X Factor jury bait, and most specially of all, 53 years after their first time participating in Eurovision, Portugal FINALLY won the contest with an old-fashioned jazz waltz. Their previous best (and still second highest) result was a sixth place in 1996.

The postcards this year are similar to those of 2016: the contestants performing various activities they like, but not necessarily in their home countries. I like that they all start with the contestants pretending to be still, then they burst into life at the end. I watched the final together with Liv with a mix of Swedish and Norwegian commentary, then by myself with German commentary. Somehow I’m just in a Peter Urban mood this time.

---

Israel: I Feel Alive

Artist: Imri Ziv

Language: English

Key: C minor

I’m not the best person to judge the attractiveness of men, but I think Imri is trying too hard to look sexy by wearing a sleeveless shirt that shows off his muscular arms. Why not just wear a tank top instead, or a shirt that suits his physique?

Starting from 2015, every Israeli entry is either a dance bop or a ballad, usually a dance bop. This in particular is a very typical Eurovision boybop, which is like a girlbop but sung by a boy. I really like the Middle Eastern violins near the end of the song, but other than that it’s just a standard dance pop entry. I suppose it works well enough as an opener, but the whole song is soured a little by the notes he misses near the start.

Poland: Flashlight

Artist: Kasia Moś

Language: English

Key: D minor

Too many recent Eurovision years put a ballad in the death slot, seriously. I defended the 2016 running order putting a ballad second, but it’s annoying when a ballad is put second almost every year. It’s worse because Kasia’s great voice is wasted on a dreary, flat attempt at a ballad that has an insanely cheesy fire/desire/higher rhyme in the chorus. Her voice has so much potential for dramatic entries, like an Albanian-style ballad. I’d also love to hear her cover “Rise Like a Phoenix”, which is in the same key as this.

Belarus: Historia majho žyccia (Гісторыя майго жыцця) (listed onscreen as Story of My Life)

Artist: Naviband

Language: Belarusian, for the first time

Key: E major

Normally it annoys me when a native-language song has its English title appear on screen, but I can actually excuse this one being listed in English. “Гісторыя майго жыцця” is a mouthful for anyone who doesn’t speak a Slavic language and has way too many different possible romanizations.

With this year, Belarus is the second last Eurovision country to sing in its native language; the only remaining one was Azerbaijan, who would introduce their language in 2024. I’m choosing to count “I’m a Joker” from 2012 as the debut of Georgian. This is one of two Eurovision entries sung in Belarusian; the only other is from the canceled 2020 contest. I don’t know very much about this language, though I’ve been told it’s mutually intelligible with Ukrainian. To me, it sounds like a slightly different cousin of Russian and Ukrainian, which it is.

This song works quite well as an introduction to the Belarusian language and I love the upbeat energy of this duo. I’d say this is the best Belarusian entry yet. Erica is right that the whole song is a bit too frantic and has too much hey-hey-hey, but I’m not as annoyed as she is. Plus, I feel a burning wish to understand the lyrics as I watch this song, because I feel they must be telling a profound story I wish I could understand. I don’t get this feeling with the few other songs this year in languages I don’t speak.

Going by translations, the lyrics seem to be about the two singers’ excitement for having a baby in the future, which doesn’t surprise me knowing their kiss at the end. Their entire performance feels like they were waiting for this kiss.

Austria: Running on Air

Artist: Nathan Trent

Language: English

Key: A major

Eurovision has three countries where the most spoken language is German and I swear they all signed a pact to refuse to acknowledge their language’s existence in Eurovision. But I shouldn’t begrudge Austria too much for singing in English—it’s not my country after all. This starts off promising, as a relaxing cutesy guitar tune, but it quickly gets way too repetitive and static. A song can never rely too much on a promising intro. I find it strange that this of all songs got zero points in the televote, instead of one of the more actively hated songs.

Armenia: Fly with Me

Artist: Artsvik Harutyunyan

Language: English

Key: A minor

Erica has an interesting story about this song. When she first watched Eurovision 2017, she was absolutely obsessed with this song, but she unfortunately overdosed on it. Although her opinions on Eurovision songs are often identical to mine, my experience with this song is the complete opposite.

I first heard this song because I discovered an old blog post of hers where she mentioned this song, and I didn’t think too much at the time—vaguely atmospheric, vaguely ethnic, not much else. But the more times I heard this while watching the show with Liv, the more this grew on me. I now really appreciate the atmospheric style, awesome bassline, and lick of ethnic elements. Not to mention her flawless singing voice and all those expressive dance moves. The instrumental of the song feels like Artsvik really is telling the listener to fly with her. When the synths build up in the second half, it really does feel like we’re flying with her. And the ending of the song feels like the story resolves amidst a joyous flight, the listener having agreed to fly with her.

Even though I now truly appreciate this song, I won’t repeat Erica’s mistakes by overdosing on it. Personally, the only Eurovision songs I can truly overdose on and listen to at every opportunity are the hectic dance bangers like “Cha Cha Cha”, “Europapa”, “Uno”, and “We Got the Moves” by Electric Callboy which isn’t a Eurovision song but who cares? Electric Callboy are absolute geniuses and NDR are absolute buffoons for rejecting them from Eurovision.

Netherlands: Lights and Shadows

Artist: O’G3NE, a trio of sisters

Language: English

Key: B major, D♭ major, D major

Before I begin reviewing this song, let me say it’s a pet peeve of mine when stage names consist of uppercase letters with random numbers or symbols thrown in. This trio’s name is stylized on the Eurovision screen as OG3NE, which I read as oh gee three en ee. These names are annoying to type and unintuitive to read, and I know the 3 is meant to indicate it’s a trio but I would have guessed it’s put only there to look cool. Putting an apostrophe in the band name helps make it more intuitive to read, at least.

This is another one of those entries with sweet but sad backstories: it’s written by the girls’ father as a tribute to their mother who was suffering from cancer and would die two months after the grand final. It’s competently made and sung very well with good harmonies, but it’s somehow just not my kind of song. The key and drum beat change too many times, and I’m really not a fan of the stompy drum beat at the last key change. Otherwise it’s a decent enough effort from the Netherlands.

Moldova: Hey Mamma

Artist: SunStroke Project, returning from 2010

Language: English

Key: B♭ minor

Moldova got a free ticket to the top three by riding off the fame of Epic Sax Guy. Do I have a problem with that? No, not at all, and neither should you because this song is buckets of fun. You might think this song got almost all its points from the televote, and indeed it was the televote’s third, but it also got a respectable eighth place from the juries. And I can see why: SunStroke Project really did give us a fun and accessible song.

I love these guys’ suits, they’re perfect for a sequel entry to “Run Away”. It’s more relaxed and just a little bit more classy. The sax riff is not as iconic as that of “Run Away”, but once you get used to it, it really ties the song together. It’s got a good beat and fun synth work and is very easy to sing along to. It even has a violin riff just like SunStroke Project’s first entry. The chords are repetitive but in a way that I’m OK with, because the varied dance beat of the song makes up for it. And the guys are full of campy charisma and having fun on stage.

As with the previous Epic Sax Guy entry, the lyrics are weird and janky, but that’s not the point of the song, is it? Liv does have a point when she says the stress on the phrase “she’ll be back home til sunrise” is weird and un-English.

When the lead singer says “clap your hands”, I like to amuse myself by singing the lyrics of “Celebrate” from 2004, the beautiful and poetic phrase “clap your hands, oh clap your hands, everybody just clap your hands” which always brings a tear to my eyes.

Hungary: Origo

Artist: Joci Pápai

Language: Hungarian

Key: A minor

This song blew me away so much in the second semifinal. After a whole bunch of boring and meh songs, Hungary slammed me in the face with the first good song in the semifinal, and the first good entry in Hungarian since 2005! In the grand final, on the other hand, it keeps the momentum going amidst a strong start. To get a picture of why this song surprised me so much, let’s recap Hungary’s history in Eurovision.

Hungary made a strong debut in 1994 with fourth place, the mouthful of a title that is “Kinek mondjam el vétkeimet”. I think this relaxed guitar tune gave Hungary the confidence that Europe appreciates the sound of their eccentric language, so then they sent a bunch of boring entries till they quit after 1998. Then in 2005, Hungary came back with the absolute banger that is “Forogj, világ!”, an entry that brings back their language with so much style. Their next participation in 2007 gave us “Unsubstantial Blues”, another great entry full of soul, but then for the next few years… most of Hungary’s entries were duds, I’m afraid to say. At least “Kedvesem” from 2013 is in Hungarian, but I really can’t stand all the repetitions of the title. “Running” from 2014 is pretty good, “Wars for Nothing” I can see some heartfelt appeal in, “Pioneer” isn’t particularly good or bad… but this year, Hungary brought back their language with just as much style as in 2005.

This is a true masterwork of an ethnic entry. I’ll start by discussing the message of the song, then the music. This song is a celebration of the Romani people in Hungary, a country where they suffer from some really nasty discrimination even in the 21st century. This man is dressed in traditional attire and sings about his own difficult experiences as a Roma (or Gypsy) in Hungary. The lyrics must hit extra hard to someone who speaks Hungarian; a translation of the lyrics says the second verse starts with “Why did you lie to me that the color of my skin doesn’t matter?” It tells viewers that not everyone gets to live in the idealized image of a world free from racism. It gives similar vibes to “White and Black Blues”, but a lot more moody and edgy in the best way.

And as a composition, this is total beauty. The song does something different in each verse: in the first, freestyle singing over a minimalist instrumental, then regular singing over a developed instrumental in the second verse, then a verbally dense rap section in the third verse. The chorus has a sticky “yaloma lomma” melody that’s incredibly easy to sing along to. The real wow moment is after the first chorus when the drum beat drops and that gorgeous violin comes in. I think I’m starting to get a soft spot for violins in Eurovision songs, almost as much as accordions.

The whole song is moody but also has an undertone of hope and pride in the singer’s culture. The song being in Hungarian is a good choice, because it gets Hungarians thinking about how they treat the Romani. It makes them realize that this ethnic minority has an interesting culture all of its own and deserves so much more dignity than they get. But even if you can’t speak Hungarian, you can sense the difficult emotions that this track conveys. This song got to a rocky start in the jury voting and only managed 17th place with 48 points. Fortunately, the televoters gave this song the respect it deserved: 152 points, propelling this song to a respectable eighth place.

I already know Joci will return in 2019. I haven’t heard his second entry yet, but I’m prepared to be pissed off that it didn’t qualify.

Italy: Occidentali’s Karma

Artist: Francesco Gabbani

Language: Italian, plus phrases in English, Sanskrit, and Ancient Greek

Key: A major

Every Italian entry from here on out is simply the winner of the Sanremo Festival, just as was the case in Italy’s early years and a few sporadic years since. Took long enough for Italy to finally resume being comfortable sending Sanremo winners! Their entries from 2013 and 2015 also won the festival, though the former was selected for Eurovision by a committee among competing Sanremo entries and they happened to pick the winner.

This song has very intriguing lyrics and a good message: it’s about Westerners idolizing aspects of Asian philosophy and religion but only understanding it on a surface level. The visuals on stage convey this theme very well, in a language-neutral way which I admire, even if I’m not sure the gorilla makes sense. But I don’t think this is all that special musical musically: it’s just a regular Italian dance song which does have some pretty good melodies. And I have to admit the English phrases are rather jarring. Still, this is decent enough to listen to that it doesn’t break the strong stretch that started with Moldova.

Denmark: Where I Am

Artist: Anja Nissen

Language: English

Key: B♭ minor

Peter Urban said that Anja Nissen, who was born and raised in Australia to Danish parents, barely spoke any Danish,* but he’s wrong. You can hear her speaking Danish in this interview and she’s very fluent! Sometimes she fills in with English phrases, and I can relate to her because I do the same when speaking German. I have respect for anyone who’s willing to maintain their immigrant parents’ native language.

This might not seem like the kind of music I should like, since it’s a regular electronic pop song without much flairs, but something about it just works. I’d say this is the best Danish entry since “Fly on the Wings of Love” from 2000. It has really good synth production, some great catchy melodies, and overall just manages to click with me. Plus, her red dress is absolutely gorgeous. I’d say it deserved more than 20th place. Liv loves this song even more; it’s her favorite of the year. This song got only eight points from the televote, all of which were from Australia. I’m sure you can guess why.

* Original quote: “Obwohl sie kaum Dänisch spricht, war es immer ihr Traum die alte Heimat beim ESC zu vertreten.” (Even though she hardly speaks Danish, it was always her dream to represent her old homeland in Eurovision.)

Portugal: Amar pelos dois (the winner)

Artist: Salvador Sobral

Language: Portuguese

Key: F major

My god, it feels absolutely unreal to finally get to type Portugal’s name in red. This country had competed in 48 Eurovision contests from 1964 to 2015 (they skipped 2016), and it took an unforgivably long 53 years until they first won the contest. As of this writing, Portugal is the most recent first-time winner of Eurovision, and the country that took the longest since its debut to win.

It turns out that skipping a year to revitalize Festival da Canção did wonders for Portugal! Their national final had been a Portuguese cultural tradition since the 1960’s, but after the frustration of Lúcia Moniz scoring only sixth place in 1996, Portugal checked out of Eurovision for most of the next two decades, barring a few honest efforts. But starting from this year, Portugal will finally be getting the respect their entries deserve. Their results the next two years weren’t great, but their four straight years of qualification since 2021 confirmed they’re no longer an underdog country.

Obviously I’m happy that Portugal finally has a win under their belt, but you might be wondering: do I actually like this song? Hell yeah, I love everything about it! In fact, it’s presently my second favorite Eurovision song of all time. I know I said before that my favorite is either “Ding-a-Dong” or “Dancing Lasha Tumbai”, but a few weeks ago I wrote an all-time top 20 list by hand, which I could reveal after I finish reviewing 2024. In first place came “Dancing Lasha Tumbai”, the absolute defining song of Eurovision. In second and third place were two pieces of undistilled musical beauty: this and (spoiler alert) “Tout l’univers”.

I really don’t think this style of music is fundamentally better than all the flashy in-your-face dance pop that Eurovision is famous for. If I did, then “Dancing Lasha Tumbai” wouldn’t be my favorite Eurovision song of all time. I really don’t want to sound like a musical elitist when writing this review; in fact, I’ll discuss the topic of musical elitism after I explain what makes this song work. But at the same time, which other song this year is so full of gorgeous jazzy piano chords, violins, and freeform singing? No other, that’s for sure.

This song doesn’t try to grab your attention in cheap ways: instead, it lets the beauty of music speak for itself. It’s a slow piano waltz with simple, stripped-back instrumentation: solely a piano and string ensemble. The minimalist instruments are made up for by the incredibly rich composition, full of colorful chords that I would have an absolute field day transcribing and learning on the piano. You may already know that this song was composed by the singer’s sister Luísa Sobral, who gave him the freedom to express the song as he sees fit. He performs this song a little differently every time, and that’s part of what gives it so much charm. You can always tell he’s full of emotion when performing this, perhaps a different emotion each time.

Just like the contest’s old days, this song’s performance is one guy all alone by a microphone singing his heart out. But it’s not entirely free of visual effects: the LED screen displays an enchanted forest, which blends in naturally with the background and doesn’t scream for the viewer’s attention. It’s truly beautiful to watch Salvador’s performance: he’s singing alone by his microphone in his native language just like old times, not surrounded by an audience of professional guests, but rather a huge crowd of fans from all walks of life, each slowly waving a different flag that represents them. The performance shows that no matter how overly elaborate Eurovision gets, it will always have a place for simple old-fashioned music.

This song overwhelmingly won both the jury and televote, both in the first semifinal and grand final. It got 382 points from the juries and 376 points from the televote (same as Cha Cha Cha), which amazingly is an almost even split! This adds up to 758 points, the highest score any song has achieved in Eurovision history. The second is “Stefania” from 2022, which only got 631 points. After binging so many old contests where Portugal was done dirty, it feels so amazingly refreshing that they now hold such an awesome record. They completely deserved it.

After winning the contest, Salvador Sobral gave a rather divisive speech about fast food music in which he famously said that “music is not fireworks”. Many fans call his speech pretentious, and I have to agree, it kind of is, and he unknowingly threw shade at most the other contestants this year. But at the same time, I had exactly the same opinion about popular music in 2017, and even as recently as just two years ago. I would have fiercely agreed with his speech back then. My Eurovision blog post series is what opened my mind to the diversity of modern music, and Salvador’s mind has similarly been opened in recent years.

In 2023, he had an interview in Portuguese (partial translation) in which he said he would not make the same speech today and now knows that music can also be fireworks. He also said that he doesn’t want to be the dictator of others’ tastes or be the boss of what is good music, which is a sentiment I greatly admire. This also reminds us that people can grow and change, and you shouldn’t always hold their old words against them.

Azerbaijan: Skeletons

Artist: Dihaj (Diana Hajiyeva)

Language: English

Key: F♯ minor

This might actually be the best Azerbaijani entry so far. It’s yet another piece of Swedish-produced pop, but I really like the dark gritty instrumentation, and the mix of pianos and synth work. Plus, the chorus is a total earworm, although I wish the lyrics of the backing singers were intelligible. I also like the staging with a chalkboard with a wall full of words and ladder with a guy dressed as a horse.

Croatia: My Friend

Artist: Jacques Houdek

Language: English and Italian

Key: F major, G major

The strong stretch of songs from Moldova to Azerbaijan was fun—now we sadly have a weak stretch of songs. I actually quite like the gimmick of him singing like a regular pop singer in English, and an octave lower in opera style in Italian. He sings in both styles very well and it’s hard to believe both are the same singer. I quite like the classical-sounding intro with the violins, but I hate hate HATE HATE HATE that he speaks at the start of the song. I instinctively say “shut the fuck up” every time he gives his speech about miracles. And then the rest of the song is a super-sappy pop ballad with another random classical strings section and a cheesy key change.

I should note that two friends of mine independently told me that they find it hilarious this guy got a “Homophobe of the Year” dishonor in Croatia when his stage persona is as gay and theatrical as it gets.

Australia: Don’t Come Easy

Artist: Isaiah Firebrace

Language: English

Key: B minor

The disparity between this song’s jury and televote scores is hilarious: 171 points from the jury, 2 (only Denmark) from the televote. I can tell that Australia felt that since sending an X Factor pop ballad with overproduced drums and pianos worked so well last time, they’ll do it again with a man. I kind of like the hollow synth riff that plays starting from the second verse, or at least I would if it didn’t repeat so many damn times. This is way too beige and jury bait-y for me.

Greece: This Is Love

Artist: Demy (Dimitra Papadea)

Language: English. I originally typed “Greek” by mistake.

Key: A minor

It’s always such a disappointment when Greece sends a song that doesn’t sound Greek in the slightest, but instead could come from any other country, and this is a perfect example. This is an extremely Greek-looking woman singing an extremely un-Greek-sounding song that starts as an average ballad and then turns into an average inane synth dance song. It doesn’t tell any sort of interesting story, it’s totally bland and a real disappointment from Greece. I’m completely unsurprised that Peter Urban said this sounded like something Cascada would write, and he’s right.

Spain: Do It for Your Lover

Artist: Manel Navarro

Language: A bit of Spanish, but mostly a constructed language where every single word is pronounced as “do it for your lover”

Key: G major

Ugh, fucking hell, now I have to review this godawful abomination. This is a real low blow from Spain and for Eurovision in general. The verse starts off nice enough with a feel-good reggae beat, so I can kind of see why someone would like this song if they listen to just the first 20 seconds. But then that stupid chorus appears where he sings “do it for your lover” so many times that I just want to rip out my ears. And then there’s that terrible off-key voice crack that immediately leads into more repetitions of “do it for your lover”.

Even ignoring the repetitive lyrics, this is terribly annoying and repetitive and a painfully uncompetitive entry, exactly the kind of shit that makes me embarrassed for the Big Five countries. I’m glad I am not Spanish, because if I was, I would refuse to acknowledge this song ever happened. This got a rightful zero points from the jury, but in the televote it got five points, all of which are from Portugal. This means it got more televote points than Australia, crazy enough.

OK, credit where it’s due, I do like the chord change where he sings “do it for those you ever care and love”, and the first 20 seconds before he starts repeating the title are decent enough in isolation. But I still absolutely hate this song. It’s a complete embarrassment for one of the most musically renowned countries in Europe. Spain, you can do SO MUCH better than this. Ah well, at least it’s not as bad as “Quién maneja mi barca”, which is the only Eurovision song that genuinely pains my ears. But that does NOT mean this song is any good.

Norway: Grab the Moment

Artist: Jowst (Joakim With Steen), not to be confused with Joost Klein

Language: English

Key: B minor

The crap stretch is over, now we have a mixed bag for the rest of the contest. It’s alright enough and works as a palate cleanser after Spain’s abomination and has a well-produced dancey chorus, but it’s a little repetitive and I wouldn’t come back to it. I’m intrigued by the bridge section that proceeds through an ascending series of entirely major chords, which sounds rather dissonant since the notes hop between so many different scales.

United Kingdom: Never Give Up on You

Artist: Lucie Jones

Language: English

Key: D minor

This is the only British entry from 2015 to 2021 that scored outside of the bottom three: it got a relatively good 15th place. The UK’s strategy this year was shameless jury bait, exactly like Germany did in 2024 and that worked surprisingly well. I’m never a fan of when Big Five countries get out of the bottom using songs that only appeal to the juries, and the UK and Germany in particular, I really wish would send more televote-friendly songs now and then.

Lucie Jones has a gorgeous voice and this song touches me a bit at the start. But as it progresses, it gets just a bit too power ballady for me. That said, it’s wonderful that they got twelve points for two years in a row: from the Maltese jury last year, and the Australian jury this year. We won’t get to hear “le Royaume-Uni, douze points” again until 2022.

Cyprus: Gravity

Artist: Hovig Denirjian

Language: English

Key: B♭ minor

Weirdly, I ended up enjoying this more in the grand final than in the semifinal. Maybe my spirits are just better this time. It doesn’t have too much of its own personality and is rather derivative of Imagine Dragons, but it does have a nice dark techno sound like Azerbaijan. I don’t love it, but I can listen to it without needing to turn it off.

Romania: Yodel It!

Artist: Ilinca Bălică featuring Alex Florea

Language: English

Key: B♭ major

I already mentioned in my semifinal post that this song was originally going to be for the Timebelle, the band competing for Switzerland; read my review of “Apollo” for more information.

The instrumental of this divisive song is a total knockoff of “Hall of Fame” by The Script featuring will.i.am. But no one’s ever gonna accuse this song of plagiarizing “Hall of Fame”, because accusers of plagiarism only care about the melody. If the melodies of two songs are mildly similar if you squint hard enough, someone will instantly jump towards plagiarism, but if the instrumental sounds nearly identical to another song—same chords, instruments, drum beat, and key—no one will bat an eye. It was my friend Liv who pointed out these songs’ absurd degree of similarity.  The songs are so similar that when she switched between a snippet of “Hall of Fame” and “Yodel It!”, I didn’t even register that they’re two different songs.

Liv didn’t remember anything about most entries this year, so she actually noticed this strange similarity on her own and felt vindicated when she looked at this song’s Wikipedia article. The same goes for Germany, which has also been accused of plagiarizing various pop hits.

Anyway, this song much like Croatia has a good vocal gimmick over a totally bland four-chord pop instrumental that I feel like I’ve heard hundreds of times before. Also, why couldn’t both of the singers yodel instead of just the woman, when that’s supposed to be the central theme of the song? I like the yodeling melody worked into the lyrics at a few times (“if you don’t believe it”) and she’s a damn good yodeler, but the rest of the song is annoyingly bland.

Germany: Perfect Life

Artist: Levina (Isabella Levina Lueen)

Language: Ger… nah, that’s too good to be true. Obviously it has to be in English.

Key: E♭ major

If I wasn’t German, I would be saying “I’m glad I’m not German this year, because this song is completely dull background noise that serves only to fill time on the radio and I’d scream that my country can do better than this”. Which is what I will do now: GERMANY CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS! I’m reading about the German national final and sighing deeply. It had two selected songs in English and five selected artists, who were narrowed down by their ability to sing English-language pop hits.

It’s practically an obligation in this era of Eurovision for the bottom two to be auto-qualifiers, and this time it’s Germany with six points and Spain with five. It annoys the hell out of me that Levina starts the song while laying down on the floor—again, don’t ask me why that drives me crazy. She’s not a particularly great singer, her voice cracks sometimes, and the stage is an uninspired mess of gray. It’s hard for me to even pay attention to the lyrics: all I hear is “something something (voice crack) something, that’s what you call a perfect life”. I hate that this is the genre my country still thinks is perfect for Eurovision.

Ukraine: Time

Artist: O.Torvald

Language: English

Key: C♯ minor

This is unfortunately Ukraine’s worst Eurovision result in history: third last place with 36 points. That’s actually impressive when you think about it, since they’re the only non-Big Five country that has never failed to qualify. It’s a pretty nice introduction to Ukrainian rock, a different genre from what we usually hear from this country, but sadly I can see why it slipped through the cracks for most voters. I personally quite like it; it sounds dark and gritty, but not over-the-top aggressive. But I couldn’t have imagined myself sparing some votes for it.

Belgium: City Lights

Artist: Blanche (Ellie Noa Blanche Delvaux)

Language: English

Key: C minor

The second half of this grand final jumps all over the place in quality: one moment I have to sit through bland shit, the next I’m slammed in the face with a masterwork.

I’m fascinated by this song’s huge disparity in results between the jury and televote, and between the semifinal and final. In the first semifinal, this song scored 13th place in the jury (ouch) and third in the televote, so fourth overall. Then in the final, it got 9th place in the jury and fourth in the televote, so once again fourth overall. It’s not too hard to see why: Blanche was quite shaky in the semifinal but sang quite a bit better in the final.

Eurovision fans tend to have one of two opinions on this song: either “Blanche is a horribly shaky and nervous singer”, or “yes, she’s shaky and nervous but that actually adds to the song” and I’m firmly in the second camp. This is the kind of song where I ordinarily wouldn’t pay attention to the lyrics, but Blanche’s uneasy, nervous tone draws my attention to “all alone in the danger zone, are you ready to take my hand?” She sounds like she is not ready for the listener to take her hand, but hopes that the listener is more confident than her.

The singer is a real beauty and so is this song. Even though it may seem plain and simple, something about it totally tugs at my heart. The moody piano chords, the electronic synths, and the drum beat all come together to make a strong instrumental, and it’s lifted by Blanche’s versatile voice. This song isn’t built around a two-voice gimmick like Croatia is, yet it somehow pulls off the double voice gimmick much better.

While Jacques Houdek simply alternated between two vocal styles as a gimmick, Blanche uses three different singing styles in succession: she uses a low chest voice for most of the song, switches to falsetto at the two minute mark, then when the song climaxes in the final chorus, she moves into a high-pitched head voice. She’s a versatile singer, yet the song isn’t designed solely to showcase her versatility. Her vocals tie into the song completely naturally. All in all, this doesn’t seem like the kind of song I would love, but her sensitive, authentic performance makes me notice every little detail that makes it work.

Sweden: I Can’t Go On

Artist: Robin Bengtsson

Language: English

Key: E minor

Now we’re at the third last song! My thoughts on the last three songs are exactly the same as Erica’s, but I’ll write my own reviews anyway.

Liv told me she was very sour when this song won Melodifestivalen 2017, although it’s grown on her since then and she now somewhat likes it. I’ve been watching through old Melfest finals with her recently and I preemptively can’t blame her, since Melodifestivalen is the competition where the wrong song wins almost every year.

Anyway, this is an alright radio pop song that’s pleasant enough on the ears, but nothing groundbreaking. As with many songs of this type, it’s catchier than I want it to be. It feels almost like it was designed to be a Eurovision opener, which it was indeed in the first semifinal.

I should note that the original version has the line “when you look this fucking beautiful”, which was censored to “freaking” for Eurovision. Liv and I would have both preferred “when you look this goddamn beautiful”, which I’m sure would be allowed, but it is what it is. I wish every song with profanity could be censored with word substitution, instead of omitting the swear word entirely because that’s a pet peeve of mine. Or better yet, that songs with profanity didn’t have to be censored at all, but I get why they are.

Bulgaria: Beautiful Mess

Artist: Kristian Kostov, the first Eurovision contestant born in the 21st century

Language: English

Key: C minor

Now we have the runner-up of this year, and Bulgaria’s best ever Eurovision result! It’s currently the third highest score in Eurovision history, behind “Amar pelos dois” and “Stefania” (the winner of 2022), and don’t ask me why. Their scores in the competition would quickly plummet from here, and they probably won’t rejoin the contest anytime soon.

Come to think of it, the top three this year are very similar to last year’s. First place is a beautiful, widely appealing song that I think completely deserved to win, second is shameless jury bait that makes me think “I guess she/he can sing, but how did this end so high?” and third is shameless televote bait that I can’t help but love. Exactly like “Sound of Silence” last year, I can see why the juries showered it with points, but only because that’s what the juries love to do, and I certainly don’t understand how it also scored secont place in the televote. It’s yet another X Factor pop ballad that’s just slow and dreary and doesn’t make me feel anything.

Plus, the lyrics don’t make sense to me, because I don’t get the mindset of thinking a traumatic, disastrous experience is also “beautiful”. For me, a beautiful experience is when something goes really well, not a disaster (the world shaking us, if that’s what the “beautiful mess” refers to) that had a vague silver lining.

France: Requiem

Artist: Alma (Alexandra Maquet)

Language: French and English again. Really, France?

Key: B minor

Why the hell did this song have to be put half in English for Eurovision? We’re not in 2001 anymore, making half the song in English isn’t cool anymore, not that I found it cool to begin with. The fully French version is a lovely French pop song with a good rhythm and classy orchestral sound, and it’s the version best known in France. It’s not nearly as good as “J’ai cherché” from last year but still one of France’s best efforts, at least when sung in the right language. The French lyrics are well-written but the English lyrics are jarringly simplistic and out of place. The rhythm of the English lyrics feels like French, much like the English part of Italy’s entry last year.

The singer has a decently good stage presence, but I don’t like that the screen shoves the Eiffel Tower in our faces. It feels like France is portraying a simplistic, dumbed-down image of itself to outsiders.

---

Who’s my favorite?

I had expected Portugal to be my landslide winner of this year, and I was half right. Portugal, Amar pelos dois is my confident winner of the year because it’s so different, but lots of songs deserve honorable mentions. Hungary has the other great native-language song and is probably my second favorite. Denmark and Belgium are regular pop that manages to click with me, and I’ll save further words for the general thoughts.

• Belgium, 2 (1976, 2003)
• Bosnia and Herzegovina, 1 (2006)
• Denmark, 3 (1963, 2000, 2001)
• Estonia, 1 (2009)
• Finland, 3 (1968, 1983, 1989)
• France, 4 (1977, 1990, 1991, 1997)
• Germany, 4 (1956, 1979, 1982, 1999)
• Greece, 1 (2013)
• Hungary, 1 (2005)
• Iceland, 1 (1992)
• Ireland, 4 (1970, 1980, 1993, 1994)
• Israel, 1 (1987)
• Italy, 1 (1958)
• Latvia, 1 (2002)
• Luxembourg, 4 (1961, 1965, 1972, 1988)
• Montenegro, 1 (2015)
• Netherlands, 8 (1957, 1959, 1964, 1967, 1969, 1975, 1998, 2014)
• Norway, 5 (1960, 1966, 1973, 1985, 1995)
• Portugal, 4 (1971, 1984, 2008, 2017)
• Serbia, 3 (2004, 2011, 2012)
• Sweden, 2 (1974, 1996)
• Switzerland, 1 (1986)
• Turkey, 2 (1978, 2010)
• Ukraine, 2 (2007, 2016)
• United Kingdom, 2 (1962, 1981)
• (22 winners)

Yay, I agreed with the winner two years in a row! I probably won’t agree with any more winners from here on out. And I picked Portugal as my winner three times before 2017, so take that, juries!

General thoughts:

Since it’s the last of four sequential “almost everyone sings in English” years, I expected this year to be a similar experience to the last few, but I couldn’t be more wrong. 2013 to 2016 generally consisted of two or three songs I love, and the rest is forgettable but harmless pop soup. This year, on the other hand, has a lot of songs I love and a lot of songs I hate. Aside from Portugal and the honorable mentions, Armenia is a real grower, Finland was totally robbed, and many others I would happily listen to. No need to bring up the songs I hate, because my opinion on a year is influenced mainly by how many songs I like.

Unfortunately I can’t say this was a better year than 2016, because the production is a big step down. Timur is a likable host who made the green room segments fun, but the other two guys are generic male Eurovision hosts whose voices get on my nerves. And the interval segments weren’t that entertaining or funny; Liv snarked that she hopes Måns Zelmerlöw got paid well for the overly long skit with him and this year’s hosts.

The grand final has three interval acts in total, but I almost want to count them as one big interval act with a grand theme: the diversity of modern Ukrainian music. First an interval act-y dance song by Ruslana similar in spirit to her new song from the 2005 final, but with a more modern sound. Second, a dance piece mixing a traditional Ukrainian orchestra with what Liv described as “Ukraine doing their best Kraftwerk impression”. And third is Jamala singing a touching song called “I Believe in U”, which is moody yet uplifting. My god, her voice is so great and expressive! I should really check out more of her songs.

Unfortunately, one of the interval acts had a nasty stage invasion. Some retard showed his butt to the stage early in Jamala’s song, but thankfully it was near the start so listeners can forget about it for the rest of her song. If he wanted to steal the show’s attention, then shouldn’t he have done it at the end of the song? In any case, as with the last time they hosted, Ukraine really knows how to do interval acts.

The voting felt jarringly rushed once again. I’ll get used to each country awarding twelve points soon enough, but the televote points are not as rapidfire as last year but still feel rushed. I’ve noticed that in the original televote points announcement system, it’s pretty hard to do the math to determine who still has a shot at winning. Strangely, the hosts referred to Filomena Cautela (one of the hosts next year) as a “former Eurovision host”. My best guess is that they meant she was one of the hosts for this year’s Festival da Canção.

Ofer Nachshon from Israel delivered his country’s votes with a speech in the host country’s language one last time. He confused fans when his words were misinterpreted to say Israel would be leaving Eurovision. Peter Urban had this exact misinterpretation, and I can only assume other commentators did the same. In reality, the Israeli Broadcasting Authority was soon to be shut down and replaced with a new broadcaster called Kan (not an acronym, so don’t call it KAN), which I’ll elaborate upon when beginning my 2019 review.

My Ukrainian friend Vlad (Famicom Guy) translated Ofer Nachshon’s speech into English for me: “Good evening, Ukraine! We wish you good health. We extend you a warm welcome from Israel.” Though the second sentence sounds odd translated to English, “здоровенькі були” (zdoroven’ki buly) is a common greeting among people that speak Ukrainian casually, which is why the hosts were impressed. The last sentence could be translated literally as “We sincerely wish you welcome from Israel.”

It was a cathartic emotional moment to see Portugal swoop the prize, and it’s rather sweet that Salvador Sobral asked the audience to listen to his sister who composed the song. Then they performed the winner’s reprise as a duet—that’s some true sibling love!

---

See you next time for the first year since 2013 with a respectable amount of native-language songs.

>> 2018 (Semifinals): A Refreshing Revival of Native Languages