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We’re well into national final season now and holy fuck, we’re being absolutely SPOILED with all those native-language songs. As well as the return of Petra Mede as a host! The more native-language songs a contest has, the more likely one of them is to win. This is shaping up to be such an exciting year.
Introduction
After Turkey won the contest in 2003, the enormous city of Istanbul had the honor of hosting a very special edition of Eurovision. It was the first whose copyright belonged to the European Broadcasting Union rather than the host broadcaster, the first to use the standardized Euro♡ision logo, and most importantly, the first to take place over multiple evenings: a semifinal and a final. Featuring a whopping 36 countries, it was the largest Eurovision contest up to this point, even if you count the non-qualifiers from 1993 and 1996 as participants.
This contest featured all 26 countries that participated in 2003, all five countries that were relegated after 2002, one country (Monaco) we hadn’t seen since 1979, and four newcomers. The new guys in this contest were Albania, Andorra, Belarus, and Serbia and Montenegro (which I’ll refer to as S+M to avoid confusion with the two countries it would later split into). S+M is a special case because they participated in 1992 under the name Yugoslavia but were then kicked out due to the Yugoslav wars. Yugoslavia renamed itself to “Serbia and Montenegro” in 2003 and by that point, tensions with the rest of Europe were cooled down enough to let S+M into Eurovision.
Fourteen countries—the Big Four and the top ten non-Big Four countries from 2003—made it directly to the final. The other 22 countries had to compete in the semifinal for ten slots in the grand final. In this post, I’ll discuss the twelve entries that didn’t make it to the final.
Two more fun facts: This contest was the only one where the semifinal took place three days before the final, instead of two and/or four. And this was the only contest from 1999 and 2010 not to take place in a country’s capital.
Even though I said I’m not a fan of Peter Urban’s commentary, I’ve decided I’ll give him a chance this time. This means I’ll be watching both parts of this contest with German commentary.
Finland: Takes 2 to Tango
Artist: Jari Sillanpää
Language: English
Key: A minor, B♭ minor
The last two contests reversed the recap to mitigate recency bias, but this contest didn’t do the same and the effects are clear: none of the first seven songs qualified to the final. In fact, only three of the ten qualifiers came from the first half of this semifinal. It could just be a coincidence, but we’ll see if any of these first few songs deserved better.
I get the feeling this song and its performance were inspired by “I Wanna”. It’s composed in a Spanish-sounding genre (not the first time Finland has done this) and has an enormously elaborate performance. It’s a fun concept but I wish it sounded more like pure tango, instead of a hybrid of tango and Eurodance. It would be a lot more structurally varied if it didn’t have that stompy, dancey drum beat throughout.
Belarus: My Galileo
Artist: Alexandra and Konstantin
Language: Nearly incomprehensible English
Key: F major
Another fun fact about this contest: since France, Poland, and Russia only broadcast the grand final, they weren’t able to vote in the semifinal. They didn’t even use backup juries for some reason. But even if Belarus got twelve points from all three of these countries, they wouldn’t have made it to the final.
I keep forgetting Belarus used to be in Eurovision, perhaps because they weren’t very successful in the contest. The only time they reached the top 10 was in 2007, when they scored sixth place. I’m not familiar with any of their Eurovision entries except 2020, so there will plenty of unexplored ground. Belarus could have probably hosted Eurovision if they did win, because they hosted Junior Eurovision in the 15,000-seat Minsk Arena twice.
If I wasn’t told this song was in English, I would have thought she was singing meaningless noises with a few English words mixed in. If I was watching in 2004 and didn’t know Belarusian was a Slavic language, then I might have assumed that’s what the language sounded like. This song tries to be ethnic with that little flute-sounding instrument, but it’s hardly even ethnic on a surface level. As a composition it’s just a bunch of boring Eurodance. I can see why this didn’t do well.
Switzerland: Celebrate
Artist: Piero and the Music Stars
Language: English
Key: C major, D♭ major, D major
Pretty much every Eurovision country has at least one entry that’s infamously terrible, and this is Switzerland’s. They scored zero points in the semifinal, which was the wake-up call needed for them to take the contest more seriously. During the relegation era, a poor-scoring country could be in the grand final every other year, but now that semifinals are a thing, if a country keeps scoring badly they’ll never reach the final.
I don’t care what anyone says, I fucking love this song. Do I think it’s a good song? Hell no, of course I don’t. I think this song is so bad it’s good, much like many people feel about The Room or Sonic 06. It’s a shitty kids’ party song with inane repetitive lyrics, an annoying lead singer who begs for the audience’s attention, and backing singers who look like drunk college students. Everything about it is absolutely hilarious to watch.
I could talk endlessly about works of media that I find hilariously bad, but I’ll focus only on this song here. There are a lot of little things about it that crack me up. For starters, even though Piero and his crew repeat “clap your hands” 32 times throughout the song (two of which Piero shouts in the bridge), this isn’t even close to being the kind of song people clap their hands to. And yet Piero keeps shouting at the audience and even holds his hand to his ear near the end. I also love the contrast between flamboyantly excited Piero and his sleepy mumbly backing singers. And I always burst out laughing when Piero bumps into his microphone 40 seconds in. Don’t even get me started on the hilarity of the double key change!
The fundamental reason this song is so hilarious is that it isn’t trying to be awful. Piero sincerely thinks it’s an amazing song and sings it with so much joy. All the most hilariously bad media is made by people who don’t know how to make good media. Unfortunately, a lot of Eurovision artists in the 2000’s, sometimes even the presenters and spokespersons, tried to capitalize on the badness by being bad on purpose. A lot of the time, viewers don’t even realize that such songs are bad on purpose, which means they failed at being bad on purpose. I feel the same way about voting mishaps: accidental voting mishaps are hilarious, but intentional voting mishaps piss me off. This song is bad in a pure, genuine way, and that’s why I love it so much.
Latvia: Dziesma par laimi
Artist: Fomins and Kleins
Language: Latvian, for the first and only time
Key: E♭ major
This song has the kind of title that Terry Wogan would have chickened out on pronouncing, but Peter Urban did it. His commentary on this contest has been neutral in tone so far, as German commentators tend to be.
Anyway, let’s cherish the only Eurovision song in Latvian as of this writing! So many countries are sending native-language songs in 2024 that I’m almost expecting even Latvia to do it. They only have one Latvian-language song in their national final, but anything is possible. I find Latvian an intriguing language in terms of sound: it sounds like halfway between Finnish and Slavic. Probably because it’s heavy in both consonant clusters and diphthongs.
As a song, this is unfortunately rather disappointing. It’s an alright indie-sounding rock tune, but the singers sound either sleep-deprived or drunk. My parents always say that I act the same way when I’m sleep-deprived as I do when drunk, so the two descriptors may well be interchangeable. The song doesn’t really have a good melody or hook to engage the listener, so it didn’t have much of a chance at qualifying.
Come to think of it, most of the post-1992 participants in Eurovision have at least one native language entry that I’m fond of, or at least remember well. The other two Baltic states have “Rändajad” and “Sentimentai” respectively, which are both total bangers. Let’s hope that someday, Latvia sends a song like that too! For now, the best Eurovision song to remember the language by is the Latvian version of “My Star”.
Israel: Leha’amin (להאמין)
Artist: David D’Or
Language: Hebrew and English
Key: F♯ major, G major
This song scored 11th place tied with Estonia, so these two came closest to qualifying out of the eliminated songs. It’s a relaxing peace ballad in terms of instrumental and lyrics, but a more modern type of ballad than what was so common of the 90’s. He sings it in opera style for some reason, and while he’s good at the style it’s just not my thing. The structure quickly gets repetitive and the key change doesn’t help it.
Andorra: Jugarem a estimar-nos
Artist: Marta Roure
Language: Catalan, which we almost heard back in 1968
Key: F♯ major
Welcome aboard Andorra, another country that I always forget was in Eurovision! They competed in Eurovision from 2004 to 2009 and never qualified for the grand final—the closest they came was 12th place in the 2007 semifinal. Unlike its fellow microstates of Monaco, San Marino, and pre-1991 Luxembourg, Andorra tried their best to send singers from its own country, small as it may be.
It’s interesting to hear 2000’s Europop in Catalan and I like the melody in the chorus, but yet again the singer sounds sleep-deprived. We’ll hear four more Eurovision songs in Catalan, so I hope at least one clicks with me.
Among the 80,000 or so people in Andorra, there have to be some total musical geniuses somewhere. I think low population doesn’t have to prevent a country from doing well in Eurovision, not any more than high population means a country always scores well. It all depends on how much the country’s broadcaster cares about the contest. Let’s hope that with the right push of interest, Andorra can someday make a splash in this contest.
Portugal: Foi magia
Artist: Sofia Vitória Inácio
Language: Portuguese
Key: E minor
Please don’t tell me we’ve gone back to Eurodance soup. I really hope that only the non-qualifiers are cheesy Eurodance with mediocre singers. It’s pretty funky especially in the chorus, but that doesn’t outweigh my distaste for Eurodance. It just means the song is a little better than other Eurodance songs. After the bridge section with just drums and voice I was totally expecting a key change, but it doesn’t have one. Shame because I actually would have liked a key change in this song. The singer’s dress would look badass if it was black, but since it’s pink it just looks bizarre.
Malta’s entry is next, and Peter Urban kept mentioning Ralph Siegel produced its revamped version. Despite this, Germany didn’t give Malta points in the semifinal or final. Maybe the Germans were tired of Siegel showing up in Eurovision so much.
Monaco: Notre planète
Artist: Maryon Gargiulo
Language: French
Key: E major, F♯ major
Monaco’s return to Eurovision is strange because it only lasted three years. After not qualifying from 2004 to 2006, Monaco gave up on the contest again and their return is still uncertain.
I kind of like the gentle sci-fi intro where Maryon wears a cloak with lights representing the stars, but the rest of the song is a chanson sung over Eurodance. Not my cup of tea at all.
Lithuania: What’s Happened to Your Love?
Artist: Linas and Simona
Language: English
Key: D minor
The second Spanish-sounding dance song of the night, I really want to like this more than I do. The instrumental is a lot of fun and less Eurodancey than Finland, but the lyrics are amateurish and janky, and the singers can’t sing that well. It just kind of falls flat for me, but maybe a more flattering performance would have saved it. So far, none of the non-qualifiers I’m gutted about. Will the last three of them change my mind?
Slovenia: Stay Forever
Artist: Platin (Simon Gomilšek and Diana Lečnik)
Language: English
Key: E♭ major, E major, F major
After a bunch of competitive entries that I skipped over, this is a real letdown: just a lifeless Europop duet that’s slightly off key. It’s an absolute drag to listen to, probably the worst song of the night so far. It’s easy to see why this didn’t qualify. Even the other former Yugoslav countries didn’t like this song much, since it only got five points from them and none from anyone else.
Estonia: Tii
Artist: Neiokõsõ
Language: Võro, a minority language of Estonia
Key: D minor
Unlike the other non-qualifiers, this seems like quite a competitive ethnic entry. It has a mysterious sound heavy in drums and chorus singing, plus a chorus that’s more dancey but doesn’t break the pace. I like the drums in this song a lot, but the singers aren’t great and I hate the abrupt ending, which basically means I want to like it more than I do.
Denmark: Shame on You
Artist: Tomas Thordarson
Language: English
Key: A major, B major
We’re at the third Spanish-sounding song of the night, and none of them qualified to the final. I like this one the most of the three, because it’s fully Latin pop-sounding and doesn’t mix the genre with Eurodance. Plus, aside from the fire/desire rhyme, the lyrics are more interesting than most of the English-language songs this year. It describes the topic of a breakup more colorfully than English-language Eurovision songs normally do. I especially like the line “but lately we’ve been like two actors in a show”.
If you ever wondered what a Latin pop song sounds like in Danish, wonder no longer because this song has a Danish version too! It’s called “Sig det’ løgn” (say it’s a lie) and it fits the language surprisingly well. This was the last year where Denmark required Danish-language songs in their national final.
Semifinal thoughts:
The hosts are full of excitement about this contest, and who can blame them? Turkey had waited almost 30 years to win this thing. I just wish the male presenter didn’t talk so damn fast.
I’m happy to say that pretty much all the good stuff made it to the final this year. Denmark is the best song of the non-qualifiers and Finland was a decent effort, but I’m not heartbroken that those two didn’t make it. Switzerland’s song may be comically bad, but it’s better than the dirges from Belarus and Slovenia. Most of the good stuff in the semifinal is the second half, which means the first seven songs not qualifying was probably a coincidence.
The votes were open for not five, but ten minutes, during which we saw a countdown on the corner of the screen. As the timer counted down, we saw a recap of all the songs, then an interval act featuring Turkish drummers and dancers—exactly the kind of interval act I love to see, and perfect for increasing the tension. Then came a promotional ABBA video, and a recap of the songs going straight to the final. The recap misleadingly featured the Swedish version of “It Hurts”.
And finally came the most nerve-wracking part of Eurovision week: the qualifier reveals. There’s nothing quite like the joy when one of your favorites makes it to the final, even if you’re watching 20 years later and already know the results. There’s also nothing like the “sure, OK, what’s the next one?” feeling when an entry you’re indifferent about reaches the final. One more irreplaceable feeling is the unsurprise when one of the flashy dancey songs qualifies for the final. I didn’t experience the heartbreak when one of your favorites doesn’t qualify in this semifinal, but I’m sure I will in the next few years.
See you next time as two of my favorite Eurovision genres (an ethno-bop and a Balkan ballad) clamor for the prize of 2004.
>> 2004 (Final): Ethno-Bops, Balkan Ballads, and Future Hosts
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